Flawed and Fallible

Standard

Yup, that’s me. I am a flawed, fallible, and sinful person. That’s why I’m so incredibly grateful for the Cross and what Christ did there for me. Christ’s death on the Cross, and His subsequent resurrection mean everything to me, because without them I would have succeeded in one of my many suicide attempts, and then I would have ended up in Hell. So there isn’t enough gratitude throughout the whole universe for me to express how grateful I am to Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit.

That said, I still mess up on an extremely regular basis.The difference is, because I have Christ in my life, I can ask Him to forgive me according to 1 John 1:9.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ~ 1 John 1:9, NKJV.

The reason I bring this up is because I recently became acutely aware of just how flawed and fallible I truly am, and it’s probably at least partly a result of the abuse from my childhood. If you’ll remember, I’ve said before that the pain inflicted on me when I was little is my parents’ responsibility, but I bear the burden for what happens now as a result. I’m an adult now, so I can’t blame my childhood if I decide to go out and rob a bank or burn down a house (which, by the way, are things I would never do, just so you know). This post isn’t about that. It’s about how I function in relationships.

Relationships are very difficult for me, something that’s fairly common for people who are survivors of child abuse, and especially for people who’ve experienced childhood sexual abuse. The only time I was safe when I was little was when I was alone, so I learned fairly quickly that being an introvert was the best way to keep myself safe and abuse-free. Of course being an introvert didn’t protect me from Harry and his horrors, but nothing could safeguard me from that. God made things easier, however, because He gave me the ability to become multiple, and that saved my life many times over. So even though I couldn’t keep myself free from being abused, at least I could stay alive.

Recently I got into a difficult interaction with a dear friend. She’s probably the best friend I have in the world, and I love her dearly. I will do anything for her if it’s within my power, even to the point of dying for her if need be. She’s been with me through thick and thin, and she knows everything about me.

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” ~ John 15:13, NKJV.

I’ll call her Sylvia for purposes of anonymity and privacy.

Sylvia’s mother died on February 25th of last year, so this whole year has been really hard for her. Most of the time I’ve been fairly good about being available when she needs me, but the last month or so I blew it big time, because I fell into my usual little hermity way of doing things, and in the process I’m ashamed to say I forgot about calling her for a couple of weeks. (I didn’t forget about her; I thought about her all the time, but somehow calling her became separated in my mind from thinking about her, as strange as that seems.) But I just plain forgot about everyone else for a couple of weeks, and poor Sylvia got the worst of it because she was the neediest, legitimately so. It ended up being more like a month because once I realized I’d neglected her for two weeks, it took me another two weeks to get up the courage to reestablish contact. I knew she’d be mad at me ~ justifiably so ~ and I’d have to apologize, which I didn’t mind doing. I was wrong, after all!

I wrote a post back on June 18, 2019, entitled I Would Make a Great Hermit in which I related why I like being alone so much, and why it’s so easy for me to do my hermity thing, so to speak.

So I had a lot of apologizing to do, and Sylvia and I had to figure out how I could change the way I do things so the last month of me neglecting her wouldn’t happen again. We set up a time when I went to see her and we sat down and talked it all out. And we decided that I would text her every couple of days just to say hi, and maybe I would include a funny cat photo with my text (I have a LOT of funny cat pics. I find them on Facebook ALL the time in this Facebook group I’m part of, Episcopal Cats With Problems.) Below is a classic example.

So I think I’ll leave it at that. Every time I look at the above photograph I start giggling helplessly. I think there are nine cats in that box, and for the life of me I can’t figure out how they all crammed themselves in there. One of the things I’m most grateful to God for, aside from the Cross, is a sense of humor, which I know I got from Him, because I know He has one too. I’m sure He laughs every time He sees photos like this just like we do.

About sarahjesusnlily

My name is Sarah Abigail Kuriakos. I come from a background of extreme child abuse, and it almost destroyed my life. My mother tried to kill me while I was an infant, my father threatened to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me, and I tried suicide nine times as an adult. Fortunately, God had other plans, and none of the attempts on my life succeeded. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle the progress I'm making as God heals me from my childhood, while making sure that God is glorified in the process. I'm a voracious reader, and I enjoy crocheting, doing counted cross stitch, and creating art. I also enjoy playing with my cat Lily, listening to Christian music, and watching movies. My favorite books are, first and foremost, The Holy Bible, then Jane Eyre, David Copperfield, The Count of Monte Cristo, and To Kill a Mockingbird. I also love Christian apologetics. The most important thing in my life is knowing and serving Jesus Christ, and telling people about His great love for them. People need to know that God loves them!

6 responses »

  1. I was really moved by your post and you come across as a good person with no intentions of doing harm to others and having experience trauma in your life due to living in a flawed, fallible, and sinful world. I love your photo of the cats too perhaps they took up boxing. I do hope God continues to protect and bless you best wishes Huw

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for reading, Huw, and thank you for commenting! We all live in a messed up world, but thankfully, God is good, and my childhood would have been even worse if He hadn’t saved my life a whole bunch of times. I’m eternally grateful to Him for a lot of stuff. That picture of the cats is one of my favorites. I love anything that makes me laugh, or that brings beauty into my life.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting. I hope your life is going well and is blessed by the Lord.

      Blessings,
      Sarah

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Sarah, Good to hear from you! What a healthy way to deal with all the issues you and all of us face when dealing with relationships. They seem hard at the best of times, but we know it must be a struggle for you to try and live the blueprint of befriending another human being. Thinking the texting is a good idea. I have a very good friend from way back in school days, she and I are polar opposites and sometimes I feel like I just cant take it anymore. Pretty sure she feels the same way as dealing with someone as intense as myself must make a person weary. Anyhows…..people need their space and we need contact so well done.

    Like

  3. Hey, Kim! I love it when you comment! You have such wisdom, and you present it with such kindness. I always appreciate hearing what you have to say.

    Relationships have always been a struggle for me, and in the past I think I’ve taken the easy way out by playing the introverted hermit card. But more and more I’m realizing that I can’t do that anymore, not if I want to be the witness for Christ that I think He wants me to be.

    Of course, that’ll probably mean going back to church at some point in the near future. I’ve been watching it online since the pandemic started. Having to quarantine because of the pandemic gave me an excuse to not go, and I just never went back. It’s so much easier for me to watch it online. I don’t have to interact with people, I can just watch from home. But I know Hebrews 10:25 says we are to not forsake meeting together with other believers, and watching church services online by myself is missing that one key ingredient.

    So that’s where I’m at. God is so good to me, and He’s continually at work in me both to will and to do of His good pleasure. ~ Philippians 2:13, personalized.

    I think God just gave me that verse to let me know that I’m not to worry about this issue, because He’ll help me get to church when I’m ready. The New Living Translation says,

    “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” ~ Philippians 2:13, NLT.

    Well, praise God, and thank you, Jesus, and hallelujah, Holy Spirit! And thank you, Kim for your part in helping me to resolve this issue, because I’ve been fussing with myself for awhile about it. Now I won’t.

    I hope you and your family are doing well. I love you so much. You’re such a blessing to me!

    Like

  4. Hi Sarah,
    I have to tell everyone this because of what I wrote regarding my friend from school. Obviously we have been friends for ions, but being so different makes it hard. But let’s talk about the rewards too. It was my 60th birthday on March 5th. She had our exercise group get together and send me a birthday video and they were all singing their hearts out. Did I do that for her 60th? No, I didnt, but look what she did for me. It was such kind of a small act of kindness, but also very big. Remembering this is what God wants for us.
    Also addressing church attendance, this one may face some blow back, but what makes a worship service and brings the Holy Spirit amongst us? Two or more in His name. So many churches are so LARGE and having so many leadership problems, I think God loves it when 2 or more of His children come together to worship Him. This morning during the walk our hearts felt so heavy for the Ukraine situation and all the repercussions zooming down the path, that we just started praying and the Spirit gave us back the Sermon on the Mount. What a sense of peace, from just that interaction. This world will implode, but God has us. And that is true peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This will be the third time I’ve tried to post this comment. Maybe THIS time it will work! The first time I tried was about a week ago, the second time was earlier today, and then now.

    I wouldn’t worry about what you said about your friend before. We’re all different and unique; God made us that way, and friendships are part of that uniqueness. What you said didn’t strike me as wrong or funny at all, so no worries.

    I’m so glad when you comment! Your kindness and wisdom are so rich and meaningful to me that I don’t care what you say, I just want to hear from you!

    I hope you and your family are doing well, and I love you a lot.

    Blessings,
    Sarah

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s