Monthly Archives: June 2017

Jun13

New Directions…

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I’m feeling more and more like I need to write SOMETHING every day. If I want to be a writer then I have to write. I have to practice the craft of writing on a regular basis. Even if it’s nothing better than sheer blather, at least I’ll be putting words to [digital] paper. Plus, if I want to have a blog that I’m willing to publish and that people desire to read and follow, then I have to give them something to read on a regular basis, and it has to be something meaningful enough that they’ll come back for more, and bring their friends along for the ride as well. It also has to be something that’s interesting enough to me that I want to keep on doing it.

I can use this as a multipurpose blog: it can a place to practice my writing, as well as a forum for me to talk about issues that are important to me. In addition I can use it for the purpose for which I originally intended it, which was to help me work out my childhood abuse issues. And besides all that, once I’m posting on a consistent basis, I’ll start publishing my posts, which means I would publish my posts on my Facebook feed and possibly my Twitter feed, something I’ve never done before.

So…

With that in mind, let the words come!

Jun10

The Continuing Saga of My Struggles With Mom’s Death, or Why Can’t I Cry?

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Well, it’s now May 8th, seven weeks to the day since Mom died.

I’m still struggling, though the issues are somewhat different. Now it’s more about realizing how much I miss what I had with her while she was here. And the frustrating thing is, while she was here, I didn’t know I had it.

Jeff says I was never, not from the very beginning of my life, able to establish a real bond with my mother, so it’s understandable that I wouldn’t feel much in the way of grief when she died. I can see where he’s right about that, but it still feels wrong that I’m not all broken up that she’s gone.

I still haven’t had a memorial service for her. I’m fairly certain there are people who would come to one, but I can’t seem to rev up any interest in planning it. I just want to forget about the whole thing and go on with my life, but I don’t know if it’s okay to feel like that, and even more, if it’s okay to do that ~ mostly because it feels like if I did that I’d be pretending my mother never existed.

I feel like my mother left a desert in my heart. I know that’s not true, because God has done a tremendous amount of healing in me, but somehow, that’s how it feels, and that’s the picture I get when I think about my mother’s influence in my life over the years. I guess I shouldn’t worry whether my feelings are right or wrong, and just accept them as my current reality. If I do that then I can ask God to heal what’s there and change my current reality to a new one that’s better and more God-honoring, as well as mother-forgiving, with no desert. Isaiah 35:4-6 says,

4Say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you.” 5And when he comes, he will open the eyes of the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf. 6The lame will leap like a deer, and those who cannot speak will sing for joy! Springs will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams will water the wasteland. ~ NLT.

That’s what I want my life to be like: where flowers are always blooming, and hearts are always joyful, and God is easy to find. In other words, Heaven!