Monthly Archives: May 2022

May11

Mothers and Fathers

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Last Sunday was Mother’s Day. I’m not very fond of Mother’s Day, and neither am I crazy about Father’s Day.

I used to have a problem from the beginning of October till the middle of January, but over the last couple of years God has been healing me so that the time between Hallowe’en and Christmas is no longer such a problem for me, and for that I am extremely grateful. But the deadly depression that used to devastate me between Hallowe’en and Christmas has transferred itself to Mother’s and Father’s Days.

So now I get sad and depressed between May and June, and everytime I see an ad on TV about Mother’s Day or Father’s Day I get all jumbled up and chaotic inside. But I also feel angry, because all the commercials talk about how wonderful moms and dads are, and neither my mom nor my father were even remotely nice, much less wonderful or amazing in any way. I mean, just writing this post is making me feel despondent, miserable, and desolate ~ as well as infuriated and resentful.

Both my parents presented a happy front to the world. Harry made himself out to be a highly intelligent solid citizen who always worked to support his family, while my mother made the whole world love her. The front my mother presented to the world was that of someone who loved everyone, and loved to give of herself to everyone. Everyone thought my mother was an absolute Saint, who could do no wrong, could probably walk on water, and held the walls of the church up, because she was one of its pillars.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My mother did a lot of good things for her church. She was the wedding coordinator, and did all the flowers and decorations for all the weddings and every event her church held for the better part of 40 years. She also volunteered in the church office at least once a week during those same 40 years. And if that wasn’t enough, she sang in the choir, also for those self-same 40 years. The problem was, she was so busy making the world think she was God’s Woman of Power for the Hour that she had no time for me or my sister, and while she was doing all that cool stuff out In public, at home she was allowing my father to beat me within an inch of my life, and rape me repeatedly virtually every day of my life. And when I told her about the abuse memories I was having, and that they were both physical and sexual, her response was,

“Well, I knew something was going on physically, because I saw bruises. If I had known it was sexual, the divorce would have happened a lot sooner.”

When she said that, I thought I would boil over with anger! I wanted to yell at her that children are murdered all the time by parents who are physically abusing them. The idea that she had known that Harry was beating me, and did NOTHING to stop him or protect me in any way made me want to SHRIEK with RAGE!!

And then I knew I had to forgive her. Even though I had every right to be angry, even enraged, at her, I knew that holding on to all that anger wouldn’t help me let go of the pain or put it behind me. Besides, God commands us to forgive. If nothing else, God forgave me, and since that’s true, I can do no less to everyone who’s sinned against me, and that’s a LOT of people!!

“Then Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ ‘Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!'” ~ Matthew 18:21-22, NLT.

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” ~ Matthew 6:14-15, NLT.

Seventy times seven comes out to 490. I’m sure Peter thought he was being really spiritual when he asked Jesus about forgiving someone seven times, and I can just see his face when Jesus told him that seven times wasn’t enough, that he had to forgive 490 times. 490 times!! You’ve gotta be kidding me!! That’s impossible!! I want to say to Peter, Yes, it is impossible to forgive even once without God’s help. So of course you can’t forgive someone 490 times on your own. You will absolutely need His help to forgive that many times!!

I’ve been able to forgive my mother and my father for everything they did to me. But I’ve only been able to do it with God’s help. I never could have done it on my own. NEVER!!

And I wouldn’t even want to try. I would much rather be fully dependent on God, and grateful for the Cross of Christ and His resurrection, and the comfort and indwelling advocacy of the Holy Spirit than to presume that I could do any of it without Their enabling grace and mercy!

Anything else is pure arrogance and pride, and I want no part of that.

I’ll deal with Father’s Day come June. Once problem at a time!

May2

A Surfeit of Ideas

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Originally I planned to use this post to break my long silence, but circumstances dictated otherwise when the situation with the two kittens came up (read Solomon and Gracie and A Crushing Blow, and Yet I Have Hope for that story). This post came about as a result of realizing I had too many ideas to write about rather than not enough, which is kind of a nice problem to have, if you think about it. But I’ve decided to publish it anyway, even if it isn’t breaking my silence, because I still have all those ideas surfeiting around in my head, and they need an outlet. So here it is in all its original glory, with a little pfft at the end.

It’s been a very long time since I posted anything here, a fact which I greatly regret, but about which I can do nothing. Part of the reason is that I’ve been kind of depressed, though that’s not a very good reason, because being depressed is actually a perfect reason to write, not a reason to not write.

I’ve just realized that another reason I haven’t written anything is because I’m struggling with a surfeit of ideas. In other words, I’ve got so many ideas for things to write about that they’re swirling around in my mind, and geysering out my ears, and through the top of my head like Yellowstone National Park’s Old Faithful geyser.

So I’m having a terrible time picking and choosing which ones to write about and which ones to set aside for a later time, or just plain ignore.

For instance, I’ve been actively looking for a new cat or cats for months, and I could have written about that. I’ve filled out cat adoption applications until I’m blue in the face, and none of them have borne any fruit, so I’ve been constantly disappointed, but I keep on praying, believing that God has the perfect cat or cats waiting for me. I just have to find it or them.

And then Easter was approaching, and I could have written about that. I value the Cross of Christ, and His Resurrection above all else in my life, except for possibly God’s Word, because without those two events I’d be utterly lost and dead. So, seems to me, there’s plenty to write about there.

Once Easter is over, next we have Mother’s Day, and after that, Father’s Day. For years all my problems were centered around the time between Hallowe’en and the middle of January. I would get horribly depressed, so depressed that it was hard to get out of bed. It was even hard to blink and breathe! But God has been healing me on the sly, so to speak, because slowly but surely, without me noticing, the holidays were no longer such a problem ~ something for which I’m very grateful. Feeling that awful all the time was incredibly difficult. I felt almost physically ill, I was so depressed, so I was very glad once I began to notice that I was feeling better around the holidays.

But then I began to observe that instead of getting depressed around the holidays, it had transferred itself to Mother’s and Father’s Day. I guess I should be grateful that I’m not depressed around the holidays AND around Mother’s and Father’s Day!

Blessings for small favors!!

So the upshot of all this thinking is that I finally have something to write about. I don’t know how long it will last, writing about all these ideas milling around in my surfeiting mind, but at least, now I can start.

I have to add an addendum here, however. I’ve just remembered why I didn’t publish this back when I first wrote it months ago. It’s because I couldn’t think of a Scripture verse to use. I’ve committed myself to making God’s Word preeminent in my life. I know God sees it that way, so I can do no less.

I will worship toward Your holy temple, and praise Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth; for You have magnified Your word above all Your name. ~ Psalm 138:2, NKJV.

I’ve tried, to the best of my ability, with God’s help, to include at least one Scripture verse in every post that I publish. I don’t know how well I’ve succeeded. There may a post here and there that don’t have any Scriptures in them, but they are few and far between.

Because this post is about writing, or rather, about not being able to write, I wanted the verse to be about writing, but I couldn’t think of one. Aarrgh!! I kept wracking my brain and praying for God’s help. And then, last night He reminded me of a verse from Psalm 45 that’s perfect.

My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. ~ Psalm 45:1, NKJV.

How cool is that! And not only is it about writing, but it’s about praising God! I love the Bible! God has incorporated stuff into it to meet every single teeny tiny need. You are amazing, God!!

I love You so!!

May1

A Crushing Blow, and Yet I Have Hope

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“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” Romans 5:5, KJV.

Last Tuesday I posted the wonderful news of two adorable kittens that I was going to be able to adopt. Unfortunately, I found out on Wednesday that I won’t be able to adopt them after all. Needless to say, I feel devastated.

I was able to meet the two kittens on Tuesday afternoon, and was utterly captivated by their cuteness. And in the process I decided on what I wanted to name them; to wit, Solomon and Gracie. What I didn’t know was that, when faced with the prospect of having to give them up to me, the woman who’s been fostering them came to the realization that she couldn’t do it.

It turns out that she was the one who’d originally found them and rescued them off the street when they were newborns, basically saving their lives. That’s a bond that is very hard to break.

So I’ve spent the rest of the week mourning over two furry children that weren’t really mine yet, even though they felt like mine because I’d held them and played with them and named them. In my mind they were mine, so it feels like a death now that I have to give them up, even though I never truly had them.

So what’s next? Well, the woman who found these kittens for me has said she will continue looking for a new pair. She has been a real blessing in all this. Wednesday morning we texted back and forth for almost three hours as she allowed me to rage and cry. She allowed me to have my feelings without condemnation or criticism. All she kept saying was how sorry she was. I finally realized that it wasn’t really her fault, so I told her that. I forgave Vickie (the woman who’s fostering the kittens; I’m changing her name to protect her privacy). I pray that they prosper with her, and that she is exceedingly happy and blessed with them.

As I was going through this, the Scripture verse that kept trumpeting loudly in my mind was Romans 5:5, and I figured it must be God telling me not to give up, and not to be ashamed of feeling sad because it’s just kittens after all; if I’m going to be sad I should be sad about something important (I hope you can sense how far into my cheek my tongue is!); or of being hopeful. So that’s why I quoted that verse at the beginning of this post. So I plan to keep on looking to Jesus, who is the Author and Finisher of my faith,

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” ~ Hebrews 12:2, NKJV.

I know that He has a beautiful plan for me, and I believe that plan includes two kittens, so I’ll keep on looking for them. I’ve come to realize that I experience loneliness a whole lot more than I’d like to admit, and having cats mitigates that for me.

As I’ve mourned and grieved and cried and prayed and talked to God about everything this week, I could sense that God has a pair of kittens for me. I just have to be patient.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” ~ James 1:2-4, NKJV.

Even though I’ve forgiven Vickie I wish someone would talk to her and ask her if she has any idea just how deeply she hurt me when she changed her mind and took those kittens back. Because actions have consequences, and what’s going to happen when the next time comes? And the time after that, and the time after that? Will she change her mind and decide she wants to keep those kittens too?

I think I can be patient if I know my kittens are coming!