Monthly Archives: August 2023

Aug31

Old Age Isn’t for the Old

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As I get older, I’ve decided that I don’t like the process of getting old. I don’t imagine anyone really does, not that there’s anything we can do about it, but for me it’s a new and different experience. I would rather just be young, and then be old, and then be in Heaven with Jesus.

The process of going from one stage to the next kind of sucks. My joints ache and my equilibrium is off most of the time, so that when I stand up I have to wait until I’m sure I won’t fall over. I’ve never had that problem before, so I feel frustrated about having to wait. It’s not dizziness, but rather more like vertigo, and it’s completely new over the last few months. I always thought I was a patient person, but I guess I’m not, because I get irritated when I can’t just get up and go.

It’s probably a good lesson to learn, however, because it means I have to think before I leap, which is never a bad thing to do. It means I’ll have to listen for God’s leading before running off and doing anything, something I always want and need to do. I never want to be without the leading of the Holy Spirit.

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. ~ John 14:26, NIV.

Jesus said that to His disciples about the Holy Spirit, and I love that different translations transcribe the Greek word paraklētos in ways that describe the Holy Spirit’s job. To wit, advocate (NIV, NLT), comforter (KJV, American Standard Version), helper (NKJV, NASB), counselor (Hebrew Names Version, RSV, Christian Standard Bible). Advocate, comforter, helper, and counselor are all roles that the Holy Spirit fills as He is surety and guarantor with us for Christ after He ascended to Heaven to sit at the right hand of the Father.

So then, after the Lord had spoken to them, He was received up into heaven, and sat down at the right hand of God. ~ Mark 16:19, NKJV.

49“Behold, I send the Promise of My Father upon you; but tarry in the city of Jerusalem until you are endued with power from on high.” 50And He led them out as far as Bethany, and He lifted up His hands and blessed them. 51Now it came to pass, while He blessed them, that He was parted from them and carried up into heaven. ~Luke 24:49-51, NKJV.

The Outline of Biblical Usage on the Blue Letter Bible website says that paraklētos can be translated in the following way: comforter, consoler, advocate, one who pleads another’s cause before a judge, a pleader, counsel for defense, legal assistant, an advocate, an intercessor, called to one’s side, called to one’s aid. In the widest sense, Holy Spirit was supposed to take the place of Christ with the apostles, to lead them to a deeper knowledge of the gospel truth, and give them divine strength to enable them to undergo trials and persecutions on behalf of the divine kingdom.

I think it almost goes without saying that what goes for the apostles also goes for us. Jesus prayed later in the Book of John,

“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message.” ~ John 17:20, NLT.

So the Holy Spirit’s roles are just as applicable for us as they were for the apostles. I’m so glad for that, because I need Him every second of every hour of every day, and I’ve heard it said that Holy Spirit is a gentleman, so He’s not going to help you if you don’t want Him to.

Well, I WANT Him to!! Not only that, but I NEED Him to!!

So now that I have to move more slowly than I used to? Well, it’s kind of a hassle. I’m just not used to it. All my life I’ve been able to move about and do everything quickly and easily, without having to think about what I’m doing before I do it. Even when I was multiple I didn’t have to think about the process of doing things, at least what I was aware of, that is.

I think I’ll just have to be grateful that I’m alive and still able to worship God and be thankful for my salvation, because I can definitely do that. I don’t have to think about that at all. Jesus is still alive and on the throne of my life, regardless of how wobbly I am.

I thank God for the Holy Spirit!! I’m so grateful for the Cross of Christ!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!

Aug27

No Such Thing as a Mistake

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I’ve been wanting to learn how to paint, and I even went so far as to tell my cousin, who’s a professional artist, that information. She responded by ordering some art supplies from Dick Blick, which was really cool, but which kind of scared me, because that meant I actually had to produce some artwork using the materials she sent me.

I love doing art, but I have an ambivalent, love-hate relationship with it, and with anything creative ~ making art, performing music, etc., etc. Doing creative activities fills me with fear because of the spectre of Harry threatening me if I make a mistake.

Whenever I would practice the piano as a child, if I made a mistake, Harry would stand behind me. But it wasn’t just that he was standing behind me. He stood behind me with no clothes on. His private parts were right at eye level, and he would snarl at me, “Do that again and you’ll regret it!” in a low voice so that only I could hear him. And because he was standing there naked, I knew what the punishment would be for my mistake: I’d get raped.

So I froze. I couldn’t go on practicing because I was so terrified, at which point Harry would hiss, “What are you waiting for? Keep on playing! Keep on playing!” My fear level was so high, the likelihood of another mistake was just about 100%. It seemed like Harry wanted me to do it again just so he could rape me. He was just looking for an excuse.

Even now I can feel the terror that I felt back then, and I want to weep for that little girl that I was, but as much as I want to hate Harry, I can’t, because I know God loves him as much as He loves me, so I choose to forgive him.

I don’t remember what happened after that, but suffice it to say that I’ve always had a hard time playing classical music, as much as I love doing it. Worship music is easier once I get going, but I haven’t played any music at all for many years, and artwork is also difficult for me for the same reason. I’m terrified I’ll make a mistake.

I was talking about this with McT during my last session, and the thought occurred to me that with God there’s no such thing as a mistake. Mistakes are under the blood of Christ. They were dealt with at the Cross, and I don’t have to be afraid of them anymore. Now I have to figure out how take that idea into my heart so I can act on it and actually begin to make art.

That’s the puzzle. That’s the conundrum. How do I act on it and begin to make art? I think I just have to step out in faith and start!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ Hebrews 11:1, NKJV.

It’s funny. I don’t have a problem doing counted cross stitch, even when I make mistakes and have to frog something I’m working on (frogging is when you’ve made a mistake and have to rip something out; you know, rippit rippit rippit), which is what’s happening with my current project. It’s a sampler by Long Dog Samplers called Jouissance, and it’s really beautiful. I’ve provided a link to it so you can see a picture of what it’s supposed to look like, but I might include a pic of it here as well, partly because I’m using a different colorway than what was originally called for. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make the images here smaller, to no avail, so what you see is what you get. They’re both a little blurred and larger than I’d like, but I think you can get an idea of what it looks like.

The Original Version of Jouissance

As I said, I’m having a problem with this project, because I discovered last night that I’ve miscounted, so I’ll have to frog some stitches or else my count will be off for the whole project. Fortunately I’m not that far along, but it’s annoying that I have to rip out these stitches because it’s the second time I’m having to do so. I miscounted it in the same spot a couple of days ago because I keep mixing up which end of the chart is up.

My Version of Jouissance

SILLY ME!!

I’ll have to label the top of the chart in big bold letters so I can’t make the mistake again, because I really hate having to frog my stitches! It slows my progress and it can be discouraging if I let it get me down.

I’m not sure why cross stitching is different than other kinds of creativity as far as my ability to do it without fear, but it is, and I love doing it.

It seems to me that mistakes in artwork can be thought of as creative variances or differences. You can use them to explore new creative pathways and experiments, and I’m thinking maybe that’s what I should do with the art materials my wonderful cousin sent me. I should play with them and have fun with them. If I can do that with them, then maybe learning how to paint with them won’t be so scary, and it’ll be easier to experiment with them like I’ve been thinking of doing.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

That’s all I can think of at this point, so I think I’ll stop here. If nothing else I have to frog those miscounted stitches on my project so I can start making progress again. Oh well! But at least I caught the mistakes early so it won’t take much effort to fix them.

Onward and upward!

Aug17

In Spite of Me

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I’m so grateful for God’s faithfulness! Even when I’m running around, doing my level best to go against what I know God wants me to do, God is still there, loving me and pointing me in the right direction.

19I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 20I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 21Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 22Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:19-23, NIV.

If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is. ~ 2 Timothy 2:13, NLT.

I love the last part of that verse, “…for he cannot deny who he is.” It says everything about God and His attributes ~ His faithfulness, the fact that He always keeps His promises, the fact that He never lies, and so many other things about Him. So regardless of whether we are faithful to keep our promises to God, or not, He will always be faithful to who He is, because He can’t be any other way.

God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

I am SOOO GRATEFUL for that!! Throughout my childhood God was protecting me from the worst of the abuse. I didn’t know He was there, but He was keeping me alive ~ even when I didn’t want to be alive. God, in His sovereign mercy and grace, knew that better times were coming, and kept me alive so I would be able to experience them. And more importantly, He knew He had things for me to do once I was beyond the abuse.

I’m still trying to figure out what those things are. I know I’m supposed to be keeping this blog, and I’m supposed to be doing artsy-creative things like cross stitch, as well as other things that I’m only beginning to consider.

And probably most important of all, I’m supposed to grow more deeply in love with Him and His Word ~ which I have NO problem doing at all.

I can’t think of anything more to write about, though that may be because it’s about 2 a.m. So maybe I should just publish what I’ve written and be done with it.

I’m going to quote from Lamentations again because I need to be reminded that God is always faithful towards me. He has been my whole entire life, and because He never changes, His faithfulness will continue.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:21-23, NKJV.

So that’s it. God is faithful and He always will be, and as long as that’s true ~ and it always will be ~ then I have nothing to fear.

Aug17

Brokenness and Disappointment

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I hate disappointing anyone, but I especially hate disappointing McT, and even more so, God. Just so you know, McT is my therapist.

I’m in a stuck place at the moment, and it feels impossible to get unstuck. I know it’s not undoable. It just feels that way, and sometimes feelings are easier to listen to than logic.

So how do I get beyond this impasse? It sounds easy enough ~ just stop listening to all those negative feelings. But it’s not as easy as you might think, because it requires that I change a number of things in my life, and I don’t like change.

Most people don’t like change because it means they have to learn new ways of doing things, and the same can be said of me. At age 70, I’ve become set in my ways, and I don’t want to change the way I do things. But I know that God is timeless and He doesn’t feel old. His joints don’t ache and He doesn’t get tired, so He’s not bound by the same constraints as we are. My joints do ache, and I’m tired all the time, so it’s gotten harder and harder for me to do even the simplest things like pick up my socks and put them in the laundry so I can wash them. As a consequence my bedroom floor is covered with dirty socks, and I’m too tired to pick them up.

HARRUMPH!!

My whole apartment is like my bedroom floor, and though the rest of my apartment isn’t covered with socks, it is covered with other things that need to be picked up just as badly. And the cats don’t help matters any, because they just love to race around tearing things up, making the mess even worse.

I THINK I NEED A HOUSEKEEPER!!! However, even if I had a housekeeper, that wouldn’t give me an excuse to leave things in a mess.

When I was talking with McT yesterday, he suggested that I see keeping my apartment clean as an act of worship towards God. I hadn’t ever thought of it like that, and I really like that idea.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. ~ Romans 12:1, NKJV.

He proposed taking Romans 12:1, quoted above, and instead of my body, substitute my apartment. So it would read, “Sarah, by the mercies of God, present your apartment as a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.” ~ Romans 12:1, paraphrased and personalized. I don’t know if I’m allowed to do that, but something needs to be done about this apartment, and keeping it clean as an act of worship towards God would help to motivate me to work at it. And I REALLY need motivation!!

With this stuckness I’m struggling with, I’m feeling broken and especially in need of God’s mercy, grace, and help. I always need God, every second of every hour of every day, but I need Him particularly right now, because with my joints aching so much, it’s going to be really hard to bend down to pick up all my socks, since some of them are under my bed.

When I get stuck, and I’m stuck for a long period, I feel like I’m disappointing God ~ and at the moment, McT as well ~ because I’m not making the right choices. I’m sitting around wallowing in self-pity. I know it’s not helpful to do that, but I’m doing it anyway. Maybe if I could see some progress being made on my apartment I’d feel better about myself, and I’d be able to stop feeling sorry for myself. It’s kind of a cyclical thing. If I could just cut the tape next time I go around the cycle, I’d slide off the end and the cycle would stop.

That’s all I can think of at the moment. I just know that things have to start getting better pretty quickly, because I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I feel overwhelmed most of the time, but with God I can’t be, so I’m just listening to negative feelings again. It makes me really mad at myself, and I feel like a total screwup. I have to remind myself that with God all things are possible.

24“And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” 25When His disciples heard it, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?” 26But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~ Matthew 19:24-26, NKJV.

And for added emphasis,

25“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” 26And they were greatly astonished, saying among themselves, “Who then can be saved?” 27But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.” ~ Mark 10:25-27, NKJV.

Then I think I’m probably giving place to temptation by listening to negative feelings, at which point, God reminded me of that verse about temptation,

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT.

So what it boils down to is that I have no excuse. I can trust God or I can reject Him and go it on my own. Of course there’s really only one option ~ trusting God. Rejecting Him and going it on my own is no option at all.

It’s just that trusting Him feels so incredibly hard right now, because it means that I have to trust Him for the strength to help me get down on my hands and knees and find all my socks when my joints hurt, and then get up inspite of the pain and weakness.

And I have to trust Him to help me clean up my kitchen regardless of how much my knees and hips hurt when I’m standing at the sink and loading the dishwasher. I have to do all that myself while trusting Him for the strength.

And I have to trust Him for the strength to get down on the floor so I can clean out the litterbox, and then get back up, when I hate cleaning out the litterbox.

All of that feels like way too much trust to me, but it can’t be, because it says in Scripture,

The Lord answered, “If you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘May you be uprooted and thrown into the sea,’ and it would obey you!” ~ Luke 17:6, NLT.

This has turned out to be a pretty long post, but it’s been kind of stream of consciousness. More than anything else I’m preaching to myself, and all of you get to listen in as I try to encourage myself.

More than anything I know that God is faithful. I know He will help me if I’ll just let Him.

So I just have to let Him!