Category Archives: Faith

May6

If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

Posted on by
Standard
If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

I’m still struggling with the diarrhea that was the subject of my last post, Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. I thought it was getting better, but a few days ago I had a really bad episode that left me feeling very discouraged. I know, at least in my mind, that it’s not God who’s making me sick. I just don’t understand why it’s continuing on for such a long time when I’ve prayed in faith for God to heal me. I guess I need to continue to trust and believe no matter whether I see results or not.

That’s a hard thing to do, you know ~ keep believing even when I don’t see results, especially when healing from diarrhea is what I’m praying for, and it keeps happening over and over and over and over and… well, you get the picture. It seems like it will never end, and it gets harder and harder to believe God when diarrhea keeps pouring out my other end ~ and I do mean that literally (and if you’re wincing at the image that evokes, just think how I feel everytime it happens!).

A complicating factor in all this is that I’m in constant pain from the arthritis in my knees and hips. Ever since I had the arthroscopic surgery on my right knee last January I’ve been in constant, agonizing pain. After the surgery the doctor gave me a prescription for oxycodone. I took it one time, but it didn’t help much, and I knew then that I wouldn’t take it anymore. I’ve decided not to take any pain killers other than an anti-inflammatory drug and extra-strength Tylenol because I don’t want to mess with an addiction on top of what’s already going on in my life. I’ve found that the Tylenol and the anti-inflammatory work enough to keep the pain bearable so I can function if I’m consistent about taking them twice a day.

I’ve mentioned all of the above so that I can write about what I really want to talk about…

If I let myself be governed by feelings, which would be really easy to do what with the diarrhea that seems to be ruling my life at the moment, then I would become discouraged and full of despair, and give up ever believing that God will deliver me from this scourge.

But I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to let the light in my lighthouse go out, because Jesus is the light of my life. He is the light of my world, and if I give place to despair, my world will become full of darkness, and I don’t want that to happen. If I ever gave up on Jesus, that would be a disaster in my life. God never gave up on me, not one time, so I never want to give up on Him.

For You, O LORD, are my lamp; the LORD illumines and dispels my darkness. ~ 2 Samuel 22:29, Amplified Bible.

Your word is a lamp to walk by, and a light to illumine my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NET.

I like the way the NET translates that verse, but I also like the way the NKJV and the ESV render it,

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NKJV and ESV.

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” ~ John 8:12, NKJV.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that feelings are notoriously unreliable, but Jesus, the lover of my soul, is ever faithful, and will never lie to me, will never break His promises to me, and as I quoted above, He said about Himself that He is “the light of the world.” ~ John 8:12 and 9:5. So it stands to reason that He can be my lighthouse and my port in whatever storm I’m going through.

On the other hand, if I start following my feelings, then the light in that lighthouse will go dark, so to speak, and when that happens it can’t be relied upon to lead me anywhere. And considering God has been leading and protecting me throughout my life whether I knew it or not, it behooves me to continue following His guidance now that I do know about it. He is faithful to perform His Word in my life. He always has been and He always will be.

8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. 9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. 10“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 11So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NKJV.

Something else I’ve come to understand is that God is much more interested in the growth and development of my character than He is in my happiness. Happiness is temporal and fleeting, and is based on what’s happening in the moment, but my character development is a part the process of sanctification and becoming more and more like Jesus, which I very much desire. So while sanctification is sometimes painful and uncomfortable, I’ll take that any day over being happy, as long as I know God is in it.

I was reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians that says,

For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17, Christian Standard Bible.

It feels like diarrhea is so much more than a light and momentary affliction, especially since it’s been going on for such a long time (I know in God’s eyes two months is less than the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye, but to me it feels like an eternity). But when I think of what it’s like in Heaven, diarrhea truly is nothing by comparison, regardless of how long it lasts.

I mean, Heaven has streets paved in gold that’s so pure it’s transparent like glass, and colors beyond anything we’ve ever imagined here on earth ~ and that’s just for starters. Jesus will be there in the flesh and I’ll get to meet Him face to face, and know Him as He knows me now. I can’t think of any better reality than knowing Jesus face to face. There can be nothing better than that!

And if we think we know what beauty is here on earth, we don’t have a clue. Heaven is sublimely beautiful far beyond anything human beings can comprehend. The best description can be found in the Book of Revelation. It’s a long passage, but as you read it just envision in your mind’s eye the amazing, unimaginable beauty that the passage is describing,

12The city wall was broad and high, with twelve gates guarded by twelve angels. And the names of the twelve tribes of Israel were written on the gates. … 14The wall of the city had twelve foundation stones, and on them were written the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. 15The angel who talked to me held in his hand a gold measuring stick to measure the city, its gates, and its wall. 16When he measured it, he found it was a square, as wide as it was long. In fact, its length and width and height were each 1,400 miles. 17Then he measured the walls and found them to be 216 feet thick… 18The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass. 19The wall of the city was built on foundation stones inlaid with twelve precious stones: the first was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20the fifth onyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, the twelfth amethyst. 21The twelve gates were made of pearls—each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass. … 23And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. ~ Revelation 21: 12, 14 – 21, and 23, NLT.

So regardless of how bad things seem now, the present is nothing compared to what’s coming in Heaven,

7But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory, 8which none of the rulers of this age knew; for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. ~ [Isaiah 64:4], 1 Corinthians 2:7-9, NKJV.

I can’t wait!!

Apr23

Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. But Christ…

Posted on by
Standard

1“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”…8Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content. Ecclesiastes 1:2, 8, NLT.

The dichotomy between the meaninglessness of Ecclesiastes and leading a victorious Christian life is especially pertinent when things are not going well, which is something I will talk about below.

The whole idea of Christ bearing my sins for me was really brought home to me this Easter. It all of sudden occurred to me that when Jesus took my sins in His body on the Cross, He bore ALL my sins, and once that happened, I became sin-less, as if I had never sinned. I could picture myself completely innocent, as if I had never done anything wrong, a perfectly pure and undefiled baby who had never been affected by the evil of this broken world.

Being able to see myself in that way really makes a difference in the way I navigate my life, or at least it should. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. As Paul said in Romans, Chapter Seven,

21I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. ~ Romans 7:21-25, NLT.

So even though I know, at least positionally, that I am completely sinless, I’m still dominated by sin in my day-to-day life. And my favorite verse in the above passage is verse 24,

24O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I especially feel the wretchedness of Romans 7:24 when things aren’t going well, as is the case right now. I’ve been suffering from a case of chronic, sometimes explosive diarrhea for about two months now, and I’m beginning to feel like it’ll never end. I’ve become very discouraged. I’ve had accident after accident after accident, and once it happened while I was out and about. When that happened I was taking Solomon and Gracie to a vet appointment and I’d already arrived at the vet’s office, so I couldn’t turn around and go home. I just had to go in and head for the restroom. Talk about humiliating! Fortunately it wasn’t as bad an episode as some of the other ones have been, but that it happened at all was bad enough.

My doctor doesn’t know what’s causing it. I’ve had stool samples analyzed by the lab, and they found nothing, so now my doctor wants me to see a GI doctor. The problem with that is that I don’t trust anyone but my primary care doctor, and my therapist, and God. One of the people who abused me when I was a kid was a doctor, so I have big trust issues with medical people.

Another aspect of this is that I’m in constant pain from my hips and knees. I can’t stand for more than a couple of minutes before it becomes unbearable. I realize it’s not related to the diarrhea, but it’s definitely a complicating factor.

I know that my posts are usually positive and sweetness and light, but I’m really struggling here, and if I can’t be honest on my blog, where can I be, except with God?

I think things started to get bad after I published a post on November 27 of last year called I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God. Ever since I published that post it seems like things started getting worse and worse, culminating in this horrible diarrhea. I get the feeling the devil is trying to make me change my stance on God’s goodness.

Well, I’m not going to! I don’t understand why this diarrhea has continued on for so long, and I really don’t understand why God hasn’t healed me, when I’ve prayed for healing, and prayed and prayed and prayed for it. The accidents just keep happening and happening, and I’m so TIRED. I’ve also begun yelling at God, and I thought I was beyond that, plus I really don’t like doing it. I think I’ve given up on God healing me, because I’ve stopped asking.

I feel like I’ve begun to lose hope, something I didn’t think would ever happen once God set me free. But here I am.

However, even though I can’t feel it, I refuse to believe all hope is lost.

17Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: 18Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 19The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-19, KJV.

And then there’s this from the Psalms,

12But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. 13For they are transplanted to the LORD’s own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. 14Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. ~ Psalm 92:12-14, NLT.

So maybe all is not lost, and what I need to do is trust that God is there even though I can’t feel or see Him right now. I know that His Word is true, and He is just as faithful in the hard times as He is when things are good. Jesus is still the Author and Finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2), and I want Him to continue on in that role.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 24“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I hope in Him!” ~ Lamentations 3:21-24, NKJV.

I thank you, Lord, for Your goodness and kindness to me! Whether I can feel it or not, I know You are with me, because Your Word says You are! You’ve been with me throughout my life and that won’t change now, because You are ever faithful to me!

Mar21

Beauty from Ashes

Posted on by
Standard

Today is my birthday (though by the time this is published it’ll be the day after my birthday). I’m seventy-one years old, and I’m so grateful to God that He’s brought me this far. I have SOOO MUCH to be grateful for! First and foremost, there’s the Cross of Christ, of course, but God has been saving my life my whole life long. His goodness and mercy towards me are absolutely unfathomable.

I wrote a post back on November 27, 2023, entitled I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help) that pretty much sums it all up for me. God’s goodness has been the guiding force behind my whole life, whether I knew it or not, and I’m so grateful to God for His kindness and goodness in my life. I’m kind of at a loss for words, because there aren’t enough words to express how much gratitude I feel.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:4-6, NKJV.

I have a thing for beauty, and I feel like God has made my life into something beautiful. He didn’t have much to work with, because I was a thoroughgoing mess. Psalm 23:4-6 is my life in a nutshell. I walked through the valley of the shadow of death throughout my childhood, because I was always afraid that one or the other of my parents were going to do me in if I did something they didn’t like. My mother tried it a number of times when I was a baby, and my father threatened to do so if I told anyone what he was doing to me. But God was protecting me, so I really could “fear no evil”, because God was with me.

To me that’s God creating beauty out of ugliness, and as God has healed me over the years, I feel like He’s prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemy, the devil, because God and I get the last laugh. The devil tried hard to destroy me but failed, and between me and God, he will always fail, because my life is committed to God, and Jesus is my Lord, and the Holy Spirit is my helper and advocate. So goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever! AMEN!!

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. ~ Colossians 3:16, KJV.

Feb4

I’ve Got an Itch to Scratch

Posted on by
Standard

Every once in a while I get the itch to write, and when I do I know I’d better scratch it, because if I don’t, I could be setting myself up for a rip-roaring case of writer’s block, and I really don’t want that. Thus the reason for this post.

My desire is always to represent Christ well in my day-to-day dealings ~ in the way I treat other people, in the way I interact online, and in the way I utilize the financial resources God has blessed me with. And it’s that last that gives me the biggest problem. I love giving to ministries that are doing God’s work, preaching the Gospel to unreached people-groups, and making sure that the Bible gets into the hands of every person who wants or needs one, regardless of what language they speak.

The problem I have is that when I donate to a ministry, almost immediately I start getting letters from other organizations and ministries that I’ve never given money to, who say they urgently need my money. Sometimes they go so far as to say on the outside of the envelope that children will die if I don’t send them my money. I don’t even know how they got my name and address, and I feel incredibly manipulated by their tactics. Sometimes they include money in the envelope (a nickel or a dime; one time it was a quarter), and many times they also insert sheet upon sheet of address labels, as if giving me a bunch of address labels will make me grateful enough to respond by sending them my money. One organization even sent a tee shirt. A tee shirt, for goodness’ sake!

NO! My giving must be motivated by the Holy Spirit and no one else, and certainly not by manipulation and strings attached to the requests of whatever organization. On the face of it, these organizations are probably worthy causes, but the way they go about their campaigns leaves a great deal to be desired, at least in my book. It may be that I’m the only one in all of Christendom who has a problem with this, and it may be that I’m ultra sensitive to the manipulation because of my background, but whatever the reason, it’s a real problem for me.

You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.” ~ 2 Corinthians 9:7, NLT.

Every month I get all worried that I’ve blown it because I should have given to some organization that sent me a solicitation for money using one or more of the tactics mentioned above, plus I feel anxious that maybe I’m being a selfish jerk because I don’t want to give to some ministry who sent me a tee shirt or whatever.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I love giving to God’s work in the world. I love being able to further the Name of Jesus, to help in preaching the Gospel of Christ, seeing people getting saved, and knowing that I had a part in making that happen. But I don’t love giving to organizations that manipulated me into sending them my money. That makes me feel resentful, and I can’t imagine God is pleased with that, either on the ministry’s end because of the tactics they used to convince me to donate to them, or on my end because I’m not giving with a joyful heart. Interestingly, the Greek word for “cheerful” is the same word from which we get the word “hilarious”. So you could interpret that to mean that God loves a hilarious giver. How cool is that! I like that! Therefore if I can’t give to a ministry hilariously, then I won’t give to them at all!

In the first place, I’m not writing this to please anyone except God, and He knows I’m not selfish. And as far as being afraid that I’ve blown it because I didn’t donate to whatever cause that arrives in my mailbox, as I was writing about it in the previous paragraph, I was reminded of that verse in First John,

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18, NKJV.

I realized that what I was feeling was fear when I thought of trying to figure out what ministries to donate to, because I was afraid of displeasing God if I chose the wrong ones. Pleasing God has always been central to my life as a Christian. It guides my thoughts and actions. I write this blog because I want to please Him, and because He’s eminently worthy of being worshiped.

And then I realized that, paradoxically, as strange as it sounds, maybe I’m trying too hard to please God. It says in the Book of Hebrews,

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. ~ Hebrews 11:6, NKJV.

I already have all the ingredients necessary for pleasing God! I believe He exists, and I diligently seek Him all the time, everyday. Hebrews 11:6 says that you must have faith if you want to please God. There was never a time in my life when I stopped believing in God’s existence. Many people who’ve endured what I’ve gone through decide at some point that God doesn’t exist ~ they become atheists. Their thinking is that if God were real, He would have done something to help them ~ He would have put a stop to the abuse ~ and since He didn’t, therefore He doesn’t exist.

I’m not sure why that never happened to me, but I’m extremely grateful that it didn’t. I never, ever want to lose my relationship with God! My faith is the most important part of my life, and I’d be utterly bereft without it.

So maybe I already have faith, and therefore I already am pleasing to God! Wow! That’s quite a revelation to me. What it means is that I can quit striving so hard and just rest in His love. I really like the sound of that.

15Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. ~ 1 John 4:15-16, NKJV.

It feels like that verse is describing me. Jesus Christ is definitely the Son of God as far as I’m concerned ~ the Bible says He is, and He called Himself the Son of God on a number of occasions, so that settles it for me.

30And truly Jesus did many other signs in the presence of His disciples, which are not written in this book; 31but these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in His name. ~ John 20:30-31, NKJV.

69“Hereafter the Son of Man will sit on the right hand of the power of God.” 70Then they all said, “Are You then the Son of God?” So He said to them, “You rightly say that I am.” 71And they said, “What further testimony do we need? For we have heard it ourselves from His own mouth.” ~ Luke 22:69-71, NKJV.

My friend suggested that I change the way I think about the ministries I donate my money to. She suggested I ask God to show me a few specific organizations to give to, and pretty much ignore the ones that come in the mail beyond that, unless the Lord sends a bolt of lightning to strike the envelope for the specific ministry He wants me to contribute to. I already know the few specific ministries, because I’ve been giving to them for a while now, so I guess my problem is already solved. Plus, as I referenced above, God loves a cheerful giver, as it says in 2 Corinthians 9:7, and the word “cheerful” is the same word that we get the word “hilarious” from. I really like the idea of being able to give to God hilariously, with a joyful heart. That makes it sound fun.

Just following my friend’s suggestion has given me a great deal of peace. I no longer feel any anxiety about whether I’m doing it right, or whether I’m making God mad because I’m not giving to all the ministries that send me requests for money in my mail.

What a relief!! Thank you Jesus!!

Jan13

God Knows I’m Suffering?

Posted on by
Standard

8Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~ 1 Peter 5:8-10, ESV.

Over the summer my right knee started acting up, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. After my friend came to stay with me in the middle of October, my knee was still causing a small amount of pain, but I could still walk on it, and it was barely noticeable. On the ten-point pain scale the doctor gives you it would have been about a two or a three.

In the last month or so the pain in my knee has exploded. It’s now at a twelve or even a fifteen on a scale of one to ten, and I can’t walk on it or put any weight on it. My friend, Linda (name changed to protect her privacy) is having to wait on me hand and foot, something I hate. I’m far too independent to want anyone waiting on me like that, but I can’t do anything for myself because I have to use crutches to get around.

Linda is cooking for me and bringing me my medications when I need them. She’s also making sure the cats get fed, and keeping the kitchen cleaned up, something I didn’t do much of when I was alone. I let my housekeeper take care of that, and she comes once every two weeks. Linda is also driving me to doctor’s appointments and to church.

Linda being with me during this time has been a true life-saver, and I’m extremely grateful to her and to God. I simply could not have survived on my own. I would have ended up in some kind of facility, which would have been exponentially worse.

On another note, the doctor did x-rays two weeks ago today, but they revealed nothing. So an MRI was done a week ago last Monday, and I’m waiting for the results on that as I’m writing this.

All of the above was written in November and December, and it is now one week into the New Year. I’m still on crutches, and still in pain, and tomorrow (Monday, January 8th) I will finally get the results for the MRI that was done about three weeks ago. I don’t know what it will show, but I certainly hope it shows something to explain all this pain in my right knee.

It turns out that the pain is caused by a tear in the lateral meniscus, and the doctor says the way to fix it is an arthroscopic procedure, which they will do on January 25th. So between now and then there will be a flurry of activity: doctor’s appointments to clear me for the procedure, lab tests and ekgs, and a doctor’s appointment with the surgeon to explain the operation and answer my questions.

I guess the reason I’m talking about my knee and all the pain it’s causing me is because in all that’s gone on God has never abandoned me. He’s always been faithfully with me, and been there to help me. Everytime I go up or down the stairs leading to my apartment I pray for His help, because I have to use crutches, and I always have this feeling that I’m going to lose my balance. He’s always there to help me and keep me from falling.

God is SOOO GOOD!!

I can hear people saying, “If God was really there with you, He would have kept this from happening in the first place!”

The Christian life doesn’t work that way. God never promised us a rose garden, but He did promise to walk with us through every circumstance regardless of the difficulty of the situation. Plus, in this fallen world, the human body wears out over time (I’m 70 years old), and that’s what’s happening to me, though I firmly believe that God can heal me.

1But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. 2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.” ~ Isaiah 43:1-2, NKJV.

The story of my life will bear witness to the truth of that passage. And if you read the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the Book of Daniel (see Daniel 3), you’ll find that God walked with them when they were thrown into the fiery furnace, and kept them safe and unharmed because they were faithful to stand for Him regardless of what it meant for them.

15I will give you one more chance to bow down and worship the statue I have made when you hear the sound of the musical instruments. But if you refuse, you will be thrown immediately into the blazing furnace. And then what god will be able to rescue you from my power?” 16Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. 17If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 18But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” ~ Daniel 3:15-18, NLT.

24Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” 25“Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.” ~ Daniel 3:24-25, NKJV.

So the upshot of it all is that, yes, God knows I’m suffering. He knows and He cares. He’s walking with me through it, and helping me every step of the way. He keeps me upright when I’m walking on crutches, and He’s as close as my next breath. He helps me fall asleep at night, especially when my cats are running around fighting with each other and doing zoomies up and down the stairs. As well, He helps me sleep when the pain in my knee is unremitting and so bad that I can’t find a comfortable position, but when I wake up the next morning it’s gotten better.

I feel immense gratitude to God for His presence with me as I walk through this time in my life. I couldn’t do it without Him! And of course, as ever, I’m so grateful for the Cross of Christ. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for that!

THANK YOU, JESUS!!

Oct9

An Unusual Endeavor

Posted on by
Standard

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m kind of shy as far as sharing Jesus is concerned. I don’t talk about my faith easily with anyone. But I’ve been praying that God would help me to become bold about sharing my faith with other people, because the Bible says,

“For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.” ~ Luke 9:26, NKJV.

I don’t ever want Jesus Christ to have to say that He’s ashamed of me! I want more than anything to have God be pleased with me, to have Him say, “Well done, Sarah! You’ve done what I wanted you to do! You’ve served Me well, and I’m so pleased with you!”

I’m getting better at it. It’s easy to be bold on Facebook, though, to be honest, I think that’s because I can’t see the faces of the people I’m talking to, so I don’t know how they’re reacting to what I’m saying. I can’t tell if they’re rejecting my ideas ~ which, in my mind means they’re rejecting me ~ but who cares if they reject me. They rejected Jesus before me, and He’s the Son of God, so I’ve decided it’s time for me to get over myself. It’s always more important what God thinks of me. I don’t care anymore what other people think of me.

Like I said, it’s getting easier to be bold, thankfully. And then, a couple of weeks ago, at a Wednesday night Bible Study at church, God laid it on my heart that I need to witness to a friend. It happened during worship as we were preparing to take Communion. I’ve been concerned about this friend for a very long time, but Wednesday night I felt a new urgency about it, and I knew I had to write him a letter telling him about Jesus, and what He’s done for me.

I can always tell when God is speaking to me, because it happens when I least expect it, usually during times of worship, and especially during worship at church. It’s even happened before when I’m taking a shower, I’m assuming because I play worship music during that time. I don’t hear actual words, nothing like that. I get ideas that I know aren’t my thoughts, because they’re ideas that are very different than my thoughts.

So, even though I knew it would be a difficult letter to write, I knew I had to be obedient to God’s leading. To disobey would be to risk my friend’s eternal destiny, and I didn’t want to be responsible for not witnessing Jesus’ love and God’s saving grace for him, and losing the chance to plant seeds for his salvation. So I prayed that God would give me the words to write and the boldness to say what was necessary, and I wrote the letter. It took me a couple of days, but I got it written, and I sent it off. I was quite surprised at how outspoken and audacious I was able to be. I really laid it on the line, and I was very grateful to God for His help in knowing what to say and how to say it.

There are a number of places in Scripture where it says you don’t have to worry about knowing what to say when you’re in front of people who want to know what you believe. When that happens, Jesus said in the New Testament that you would be given the words to speak by the Holy Spirit, and, God told Moses the same thing in the Book of Exodus,

“Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” ~ Exodus 4:12, NLT.

I use that Scripture whenever I’ll be talking to someone and I’m not sure what to say to them. And then, Jesus told us in the Gospels,

18“You will stand trial before governors and kings because you are my followers. But this will be your opportunity to tell the rulers and other unbelievers about me. 19When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. 20For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” ~ Matthew 10:18-20, NLT.

9“But watch out for yourselves, for they will deliver you up to councils, and you will be beaten in the synagogues. You will be brought before rulers and kings for My sake, for a testimony to them. 10And the gospel must first be preached to all the nations. 11But when they arrest you and deliver you up, do not worry beforehand, or premeditate what you will speak. But whatever is given you in that hour, speak that; for it is not you who speak, but the Holy Spirit.” ~ Mark 13:9-11, NKJV.

11“Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. 12For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” ~ Luke 12:11-12, NKJV.

As I was writing the letter I found the above Scriptures working in me, giving me the words I needed when I needed them, and I’m so grateful to the Holy Spirit for His assistance, because I couldn’t have written such a letter without His help. God is faithful in every circumstance! He has never failed me! Thank you Jesus, thank you Father, and thank you Holy Spirit!

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

I don’t know if I’m a skillful poet, but I love to write, and I try to use beautiful words as I’m doing it, plus I’ve always loved that verse, so I think I’ll end here, even if it feels like a bit of a non sequitur. But this blog is all about writing. About my life, about serving God, and about God healing my life, not necessarily in that order.

And now I think I’m done!

Aug27

No Such Thing as a Mistake

Posted on by
Standard

I’ve been wanting to learn how to paint, and I even went so far as to tell my cousin, who’s a professional artist, that information. She responded by ordering some art supplies from Dick Blick, which was really cool, but which kind of scared me, because that meant I actually had to produce some artwork using the materials she sent me.

I love doing art, but I have an ambivalent, love-hate relationship with it, and with anything creative ~ making art, performing music, etc., etc. Doing creative activities fills me with fear because of the spectre of Harry threatening me if I make a mistake.

Whenever I would practice the piano as a child, if I made a mistake, Harry would stand behind me. But it wasn’t just that he was standing behind me. He stood behind me with no clothes on. His private parts were right at eye level, and he would snarl at me, “Do that again and you’ll regret it!” in a low voice so that only I could hear him. And because he was standing there naked, I knew what the punishment would be for my mistake: I’d get raped.

So I froze. I couldn’t go on practicing because I was so terrified, at which point Harry would hiss, “What are you waiting for? Keep on playing! Keep on playing!” My fear level was so high, the likelihood of another mistake was just about 100%. It seemed like Harry wanted me to do it again just so he could rape me. He was just looking for an excuse.

Even now I can feel the terror that I felt back then, and I want to weep for that little girl that I was, but as much as I want to hate Harry, I can’t, because I know God loves him as much as He loves me, so I choose to forgive him.

I don’t remember what happened after that, but suffice it to say that I’ve always had a hard time playing classical music, as much as I love doing it. Worship music is easier once I get going, but I haven’t played any music at all for many years, and artwork is also difficult for me for the same reason. I’m terrified I’ll make a mistake.

I was talking about this with McT during my last session, and the thought occurred to me that with God there’s no such thing as a mistake. Mistakes are under the blood of Christ. They were dealt with at the Cross, and I don’t have to be afraid of them anymore. Now I have to figure out how take that idea into my heart so I can act on it and actually begin to make art.

That’s the puzzle. That’s the conundrum. How do I act on it and begin to make art? I think I just have to step out in faith and start!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ Hebrews 11:1, NKJV.

It’s funny. I don’t have a problem doing counted cross stitch, even when I make mistakes and have to frog something I’m working on (frogging is when you’ve made a mistake and have to rip something out; you know, rippit rippit rippit), which is what’s happening with my current project. It’s a sampler by Long Dog Samplers called Jouissance, and it’s really beautiful. I’ve provided a link to it so you can see a picture of what it’s supposed to look like, but I might include a pic of it here as well, partly because I’m using a different colorway than what was originally called for. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make the images here smaller, to no avail, so what you see is what you get. They’re both a little blurred and larger than I’d like, but I think you can get an idea of what it looks like.

The Original Version of Jouissance

As I said, I’m having a problem with this project, because I discovered last night that I’ve miscounted, so I’ll have to frog some stitches or else my count will be off for the whole project. Fortunately I’m not that far along, but it’s annoying that I have to rip out these stitches because it’s the second time I’m having to do so. I miscounted it in the same spot a couple of days ago because I keep mixing up which end of the chart is up.

My Version of Jouissance

SILLY ME!!

I’ll have to label the top of the chart in big bold letters so I can’t make the mistake again, because I really hate having to frog my stitches! It slows my progress and it can be discouraging if I let it get me down.

I’m not sure why cross stitching is different than other kinds of creativity as far as my ability to do it without fear, but it is, and I love doing it.

It seems to me that mistakes in artwork can be thought of as creative variances or differences. You can use them to explore new creative pathways and experiments, and I’m thinking maybe that’s what I should do with the art materials my wonderful cousin sent me. I should play with them and have fun with them. If I can do that with them, then maybe learning how to paint with them won’t be so scary, and it’ll be easier to experiment with them like I’ve been thinking of doing.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

That’s all I can think of at this point, so I think I’ll stop here. If nothing else I have to frog those miscounted stitches on my project so I can start making progress again. Oh well! But at least I caught the mistakes early so it won’t take much effort to fix them.

Onward and upward!

Apr10

Through the Eyes of Jesus

Posted on by
Standard

I’ve come to realize that everytime I look in the mirror I have two choices. I could see myself as Harry, the devil, and the world would have me believe that I am, or I could see myself as God sees me. Satan and the world, working through Harry, tried to convince me that I was ugly and worthless. But God thinks I’m beautiful, and He valued me enough that Christ was willing to go to the Cross and die to save me from my sins. And since God is smarter than Satan, and He’s certainly smarter than Harry was, I think I’ll stick with God.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” ~ 1 Samuel 16:7, NLT.

It took me many years to be able to come to that conclusion. I had to wade through a whole lot of pain and emotional sludge before I was able to reject what Harry had beat into me every day of my life, and believe what God said about me in Scripture.

There’s a saying that says beauty is only skin deep. Well, I beg to differ, because God, Master of the Universe, Creator of All Things, says otherwise. Whoever said beauty was only skin deep was ignorant. More to the point, they had their eyes focused on the wrong things. Skin-deep beauty is only what you can see on the surface, but there’s so much more underneath that. As 1 Samuel 16:7 says above, God looks at the heart, and I think that’s where the true beauty lies, for it’s out of the abundance of the heart that one speaks.

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. ~ Luke 6:45, NKJV.

One can read beautiful poetry or speak deadly curses. The one will create positive feelings, and the other will cause sadness and depression.

“Earth’s crammed with heaven,

And every common bush afire with God;

But only he who sees, takes off his shoes,

The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.”

Those four lines are from Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poem, Aurora Leigh, and I think they are some of the most beautiful poetry I’ve ever read anywhere. They talk about God’s presence everywhere on earth, whether you see Him or not, and if you choose, you will recognize that He’s there, and everytime I read those lines I think beautiful thoughts, and God shows me new things from His Word.

How cool is that!!

2There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement. Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn’t burn up. 3“This is amazing,” Moses said to himself. “Why isn’t that bush burning up? I must go see it.” 4When the LORD saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, “Moses! Moses!” “Here I am!” Moses replied. 5“Do not come any closer,” the LORD warned. “Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. ~ Exodus 3:2-5, NLT.

As far as the negative is concerned, I’ve heard enough evil, gloomy, bleak, and fearful stuff from Harry and my mother to last me into eternity. All that negative input made me hate myself. It also motivated me to become self-abusive, and it drove me to consider suicide. I tried it nine times, but thankfully I was unsuccessful. At the time I was mad. I thought, “Geez! I can’t even kill myself right!” But now I’m so glad my efforts were ineffective. I’m excited to be alive, and in love with Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

If only everyone could see themselves, as well as other people, the way God sees them! It would make such a difference in people’s lives, and in the way culture is played out. People would be able to see the true beauty in the people around them, as well as themselves, and things like plastic surgery would be much less common, or maybe even not be practiced at all.

So those are just some thoughts I’ve been thinking about, with Resurrection Sunday on my mind (it was yesterday), and being grateful for all that Jesus Christ did for me on the Cross and three days later in His Resurrection, and all that He continues to do for me every day. Any gratitude I express now can’t come close to what I really feel, but I’ll say it anyway, because I can’t keep silent about it.

Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6, NLT.

God has blessed me with such abundance that I can’t even describe it, and I am SOOO GRATEFUL!! God is SOOO GOOD!! Thank You Jesus!!

Mar20

The Big Seven-Oh, or Seventy Years of Gratitude

Posted on by
Standard

Today is my birthday and I’m seventy years old. Seventy years old. WOW!! That means I’ve lived seventy years. Seventy years is a VERY long time. That means God has kept me alive for seventy years, through nine suicide attempts, through my mother’s attempts to kill me when I was a baby, and through all of Harry’s threats to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me.

I think it means I’m kind of a miracle, given all that God had to do to keep me alive through all those years and all that mess, and I thank Him for it. I’m incredibly grateful to Him for it!

But what I’m most grateful for is what Christ did on the Cross. If He hadn’t gone to the Cross and died for my sins, then all that other stuff wouldn’t be worth a hill of beans. So more than anything I’m grateful for my salvation. It’s far and away the best decision I’ve ever made.

It turns out that 70 years is equal to 25,550 days, which is the same as 613,200 hours, which translates into 36,792,000 minutes, which is equivalent to 2,207,520,004 seconds. That’s 2 billion, 207 million, 520 thousand, and 4 seconds, just in case you got lost in all those numbers like I did. And it turns out that in these same seventy years, my heart has beat 2,450,000,000 times. That’s 2 billion, 450 million times. WOW!!!

That’s a LOT of seconds, and a whole lot of heartbeats!

It may seem kind of silly for me to go from years all the way down to seconds, and even more so on the number of heartbeats, but I’m doing it to remind myself and anyone who reads this that God has been faithful in fulfilling His promises to me, and has kept me alive through thick and thin every second of every day throughout the years of my life, from the day I was born onward.

I find that amazing, given what I’ve experienced in my life! And it fills me with gratitude towards God, and Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit for all that they’ve done for me.

I could be dwelling on all the bad, evil, and negative stuff that’s been in my life, but what good would it do me? It’s not happening anymore. It’s in the past, and I can’t change it, or wish it away, and I certainly can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I know I relate abuse incidents that happened when I was a kid ~ things Harry or my mother did to me or whatever ~ but my purpose in doing so is to demonstrate how God has been working in me from the time I was born onward to save my life and keep me alive long enough for me to decide to accept His free gift of salvation, and then He could begin to heal me. It’s never to glorify the abuse, or the evil that was done to me.

And looking back, I don’t think I would want to change any of it. If I were to change any of my life, what would I change? Would I ask for different parents? Would I ask to be born in a different country or a different culture? If I were to change any of it, even a little bit, then I wouldn’t be me, and I’ve grown to like myself. And besides that, if I were to come from different parents ~ which could mean that there would be no abuse in my (new) background ~ then I would be someone else. I would be another person with different DNA, and different siblings, or maybe no siblings at all.

And while having a different family, and therefore different DNA, and no abuse, thereby making me a completely different me would be something to consider, I don’t think I would want anything different than what God has already given me. The main reason for this is that if I were a different person, there’s no guarantee that I would have the kind of relationship with God that I have now, and God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are the most important aspect of my life. I can’t live without them. I don’t know but what I would reject God and become an atheist if I were this different person. I would really not want that. In fact I hate the very idea of it.

While the life God has given me has been full of suffering, it’s also been a life that’s full of God, and I would much rather have a God-filled life that’s full of suffering than a life empty of God with no suffering. To me the life separated from God actually has greater suffering than a life filled with God. So I’ll take my life any day, because, though it’s been filled with suffering, it’s also been full of God, and the presence of God makes all the difference.

Jesus + nothing = EVERYTHING!!!

10My aim is to know Him, to experience the power of His resurrection, to share in His sufferings, and to be like Him in His death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. ~ Philippians 3:10-11, NET.

Feb2

My Blocked Brain

Posted on by
Standard

It’s been about two weeks since I tried to write anything, mostly because I made a muddle of the post I was working on, and I just couldn’t finish it. So I decided I would try writing a train-of-thought post, just so I could get myself putting words to paper, so to speak, thereby, hopefully, unblocking my brain. We’ll see how it goes…

I got myself on a reading program ~ finally, though it remains to be seen if I’ll be able to maintain it over the long haul. As much as I love God’s Word, I struggle to read it consistently every day. As the Bible says, “…The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” ~ Matthew 26:41, and Mark 14:38, NIV. Sometimes I’ll go for months without reading it at all, even though I use it all the time. I quote it here in just about every blog post I write, and I use it when I’m praying for myself, and for other people. But I know I need to keep reading and studying regularly to keep my spiritual tank full, plus I always have fun when I’m doing my reading.

I suppose that sounds strange. How can you have fun when you’re reading the Bible? Well, I do. I don’t find the Bible at all boring. The Bible is full of fascinating stories, and beautiful poetry, and gorgeous imagery. Now, to be sure, you have to believe that God exists, and that the stories contained in the Bible are true, but that’s not a problem for me, because I do believe in God, and I love Him passionately, and I believe that the stories in the Bible are true, because God is a god of miracles, and He can’t lie. So if He says something in the Bible happened, then it really happened, because God can’t tell a lie.

God is not a man, so He does not lie. He is not human, so He does not change His mind. Has He ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

God means everything to me, as does Jesus Christ, His Son, and so does the Holy Spirit. Jesus saved me gloriously by dying on the cross, and coming back from the dead, and the Holy Spirit lives in me, and guides and teaches me everyday as the guarantor of my hope of eternal life, and of God fulfilling His promises to me.

And you too trusted him, when you heard the message of truth, the Gospel of your salvation. And after you gave your confidence to him you were, so to speak, stamped with the promised Holy Spirit as a guarantee of purchase, until the day when God completes the redemption of what he has paid for as his own; and that will again be to the praise of his glory. ~ Ephesians 1:13-14, J.B. Phillips New Testament.

When I’m reading my Bible, I get to spend time with God, and learn more about Him. Reading the Bible means I get to dive deeper into His Word, and come to a deeper understanding of who He is. God is an endless well of beauty and mystery and holiness and truth, and He wants us to search Him out so we can know and understand Him, even though we’ll never reach the bottom of that well. His mysteriousness is one of my favorite things about God, because there’s always something new to learn about Him, and the Bible is the place to look for the answers to your questions about Him.

When I say that Jesus saved me gloriously by dying on the cross for me, I mean just that. Not only did He save me because I’m a sinner ~ because I am a sinner. We’re all sinners, and if you think you aren’t, then you’re deceiving yourself. Just ask yourself about the last time you lied.

“You must not tell lies about other people.” ~ Exodus 20:16, Easy-to-Read Version (ERV, Commandment Number Nine.

Or how ‘bout the last time you coveted your neighbor’s car because yours is in the shop and his never breaks down.

“Do not want anything that belongs to someone else. Don’t want anyone’s house, wife or husband, slaves, oxen, donkeys or anything else.” ~ Exodus 20:17, Contemporary English Version (CEV), Commandment Number Ten.

Jesus also saved me from my childhood. If it wasn’t for God protecting me from the worst of my parents’ abuse, I wouldn’t be here to write this blog and tell you my story. God gave me the gift of multiplicity, which helped to keep me alive, and protect me when the abuse was too much for me to bear. I used to hate being multiple, but now I’m very grateful to God for the multiplicity, because I know how instrumental my alters were in keeping me alive. Multiplicity is a gift from God to help a child survive what is otherwise unsurvivable. Anyone who thinks multiplicity is demon possession doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

Well, I think my blocked brain is blocked no longer, thank God, and I think I’m pretty much done with this post. It’s a bit of a hodgepodge, but I said what I wanted to say.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. ~ Ephesians 2:10, NLT.

In the Greek, the word masterpiece is poiēma, from which we get the English word poem, which is a thing of beauty, and that’s how I want to finish this post, because while that’s how God sees me, that’s also how I see God’s Word, because the Bible is a masterpiece.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NLT.

One of the main reasons I love the Bible is because it’s a record of who God is, and what He’s like. And if the Bible says God can or can’t do something, then that’s what God can or can’t do. You can take the Bible at face value. What it says is the Truth. Jesus is the Word of God, and He’s also the embodiment of the Truth.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.~ John 1:1,14, NKJV.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.~ John 14:6, NIV.

I’ve been lied to many times in my life, so truth and integrity and honesty are important to me, and if I find someone whom I can trust to tell me the truth all the time, then I will give myself fully to that person. I’ve found that trustworthiness and integrity in God and in Jesus Christ, and in His Word. He’s healed me and saved me, and given me His Word to teach me and show me that He keeps His promises. I’m very grateful for everything God has done for me. He has my undying gratitude and love. I can never thank Him enough for saving me from Hell, and for saving me from the hell of my childhood.

Thank you, Jesus, thank you God, and thank you, Holy Spirit!!