Category Archives: God’s Trustworthiness

May6

If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

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If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

I’m still struggling with the diarrhea that was the subject of my last post, Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. I thought it was getting better, but a few days ago I had a really bad episode that left me feeling very discouraged. I know, at least in my mind, that it’s not God who’s making me sick. I just don’t understand why it’s continuing on for such a long time when I’ve prayed in faith for God to heal me. I guess I need to continue to trust and believe no matter whether I see results or not.

That’s a hard thing to do, you know ~ keep believing even when I don’t see results, especially when healing from diarrhea is what I’m praying for, and it keeps happening over and over and over and over and… well, you get the picture. It seems like it will never end, and it gets harder and harder to believe God when diarrhea keeps pouring out my other end ~ and I do mean that literally (and if you’re wincing at the image that evokes, just think how I feel everytime it happens!).

A complicating factor in all this is that I’m in constant pain from the arthritis in my knees and hips. Ever since I had the arthroscopic surgery on my right knee last January I’ve been in constant, agonizing pain. After the surgery the doctor gave me a prescription for oxycodone. I took it one time, but it didn’t help much, and I knew then that I wouldn’t take it anymore. I’ve decided not to take any pain killers other than an anti-inflammatory drug and extra-strength Tylenol because I don’t want to mess with an addiction on top of what’s already going on in my life. I’ve found that the Tylenol and the anti-inflammatory work enough to keep the pain bearable so I can function if I’m consistent about taking them twice a day.

I’ve mentioned all of the above so that I can write about what I really want to talk about…

If I let myself be governed by feelings, which would be really easy to do what with the diarrhea that seems to be ruling my life at the moment, then I would become discouraged and full of despair, and give up ever believing that God will deliver me from this scourge.

But I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to let the light in my lighthouse go out, because Jesus is the light of my life. He is the light of my world, and if I give place to despair, my world will become full of darkness, and I don’t want that to happen. If I ever gave up on Jesus, that would be a disaster in my life. God never gave up on me, not one time, so I never want to give up on Him.

For You, O LORD, are my lamp; the LORD illumines and dispels my darkness. ~ 2 Samuel 22:29, Amplified Bible.

Your word is a lamp to walk by, and a light to illumine my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NET.

I like the way the NET translates that verse, but I also like the way the NKJV and the ESV render it,

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NKJV and ESV.

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” ~ John 8:12, NKJV.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that feelings are notoriously unreliable, but Jesus, the lover of my soul, is ever faithful, and will never lie to me, will never break His promises to me, and as I quoted above, He said about Himself that He is “the light of the world.” ~ John 8:12 and 9:5. So it stands to reason that He can be my lighthouse and my port in whatever storm I’m going through.

On the other hand, if I start following my feelings, then the light in that lighthouse will go dark, so to speak, and when that happens it can’t be relied upon to lead me anywhere. And considering God has been leading and protecting me throughout my life whether I knew it or not, it behooves me to continue following His guidance now that I do know about it. He is faithful to perform His Word in my life. He always has been and He always will be.

8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. 9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. 10“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 11So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NKJV.

Something else I’ve come to understand is that God is much more interested in the growth and development of my character than He is in my happiness. Happiness is temporal and fleeting, and is based on what’s happening in the moment, but my character development is a part the process of sanctification and becoming more and more like Jesus, which I very much desire. So while sanctification is sometimes painful and uncomfortable, I’ll take that any day over being happy, as long as I know God is in it.

I was reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians that says,

For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17, Christian Standard Bible.

It feels like diarrhea is so much more than a light and momentary affliction, especially since it’s been going on for such a long time (I know in God’s eyes two months is less than the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye, but to me it feels like an eternity). But when I think of what it’s like in Heaven, diarrhea truly is nothing by comparison, regardless of how long it lasts.

I mean, Heaven has streets paved in gold that’s so pure it’s transparent like glass, and colors beyond anything we’ve ever imagined here on earth ~ and that’s just for starters. Jesus will be there in the flesh and I’ll get to meet Him face to face, and know Him as He knows me now. I can’t think of any better reality than knowing Jesus face to face. There can be nothing better than that!

And if we think we know what beauty is here on earth, we don’t have a clue. Heaven is sublimely beautiful far beyond anything human beings can comprehend. The best description can be found in the Book of Revelation. It’s a long passage, but as you read it just envision in your mind’s eye the amazing, unimaginable beauty that the passage is describing,

12The city wall was broad and high, with twelve gates guarded by twelve angels. And the names of the twelve tribes of Israel were written on the gates. … 14The wall of the city had twelve foundation stones, and on them were written the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. 15The angel who talked to me held in his hand a gold measuring stick to measure the city, its gates, and its wall. 16When he measured it, he found it was a square, as wide as it was long. In fact, its length and width and height were each 1,400 miles. 17Then he measured the walls and found them to be 216 feet thick… 18The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass. 19The wall of the city was built on foundation stones inlaid with twelve precious stones: the first was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20the fifth onyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, the twelfth amethyst. 21The twelve gates were made of pearls—each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass. … 23And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. ~ Revelation 21: 12, 14 – 21, and 23, NLT.

So regardless of how bad things seem now, the present is nothing compared to what’s coming in Heaven,

7But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory, 8which none of the rulers of this age knew; for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. ~ [Isaiah 64:4], 1 Corinthians 2:7-9, NKJV.

I can’t wait!!

Apr3

Writer’s Block Notwithstanding…

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I’ve been struggling with what to write about lately ~ a LOT. I started working on a post about beauty, and I wanted to include some photos of birds, but I couldn’t figure out how to format them the way I wanted them to look. I finally got so frustrated that I had to walk away or I was going have a panic attack and throw my computer, which would have been a really bad thing to do.

Since the not-throwing-my-computer day, which was a long time ago, I keep getting ideas of topics to write about, but because I haven’t finished the post about beauty, I can’t really move on to any other subjects. So here I am, blathering on about wanting to write about beauty and beautiful things, but not being able to for whatever reason. Maybe if I write about wanting to write about it, that will help me move towards actually writing about it. So here goes…

I crave beauty. I need to be surrounded by beauty and beautiful things, so I make sure my environment always has artwork on display, plus I always have the means to create my own artwork as well. Beauty feeds my soul. I talk to God about it all the time. Everytime I see something beautiful in His creation I tell Him about it, and thank Him for it. God’s Word is beautiful, and I listen to it while I’m sleeping at night. In fact, it helps me fall asleep, because it fills me with peace.

Give unto the LORD the glory due unto His name; worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness. ~ Psalm 29:2, KJV.

But godliness actually is a source of great gain when accompanied by contentment [that contentment which comes from a sense of inner confidence based on the sufficiency of God]. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6, Amplified Bible.

Both those verses talk about some form of beauty. The first one, Psalm 29:2, talks about worshiping the Lord in the beauty of holiness. Who knew that holiness could be beautiful? But it can be, and it is, because God is beautiful, and He is holy.

The second one, 1 Timothy 6:6, is a little more obscure, but if you think about it I’m sure you’ll be able to see it. The confidence that comes from knowing God will always be there for you, always meeting your needs, always keeping His promises to you ~ that will bring a deep-seated peace and such great contentment, knowing you never have to worry about where your next meal is coming from again ~ that truly is a beautiful thing!

And then there’s Psalm 23. There’s probably no more beautiful description about the sufficiency of God than Psalm 23,

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. 3He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:1-6, NKJV.

It’s interesting that I’m focusing on Psalm 23 in this post, and in the one before this, because I’m going through some intense testing right now (so if you think of it, I would really appreciate your prayers), and it’s really comforting to know that I can trust God to have my back in the midst of this. I know it’s not God doing it, because of what it says in the Book of James,

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. ~ James 1:13, NKJV.

And I really like the way the Amplified Bible translates it,

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God” [for temptation does not originate from God, but from our own flaws]; for God cannot be tempted by [what is] evil, and He Himself tempts no one. ~ James 1:13, Amplified Bible.

It’s encouraging to know that God won’t ever tempt me to do bad things. My father used to do that, and then he’d punish me when I did what he’d tempted me to do. It was all a great big trick with him, and I could never figure out what the rules were. But God doesn’t do that, and for that I’m eternally grateful!

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. ~ James 5:16, NKJV.

Jan13

God Knows I’m Suffering?

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8Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~ 1 Peter 5:8-10, ESV.

Over the summer my right knee started acting up, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. After my friend came to stay with me in the middle of October, my knee was still causing a small amount of pain, but I could still walk on it, and it was barely noticeable. On the ten-point pain scale the doctor gives you it would have been about a two or a three.

In the last month or so the pain in my knee has exploded. It’s now at a twelve or even a fifteen on a scale of one to ten, and I can’t walk on it or put any weight on it. My friend, Linda (name changed to protect her privacy) is having to wait on me hand and foot, something I hate. I’m far too independent to want anyone waiting on me like that, but I can’t do anything for myself because I have to use crutches to get around.

Linda is cooking for me and bringing me my medications when I need them. She’s also making sure the cats get fed, and keeping the kitchen cleaned up, something I didn’t do much of when I was alone. I let my housekeeper take care of that, and she comes once every two weeks. Linda is also driving me to doctor’s appointments and to church.

Linda being with me during this time has been a true life-saver, and I’m extremely grateful to her and to God. I simply could not have survived on my own. I would have ended up in some kind of facility, which would have been exponentially worse.

On another note, the doctor did x-rays two weeks ago today, but they revealed nothing. So an MRI was done a week ago last Monday, and I’m waiting for the results on that as I’m writing this.

All of the above was written in November and December, and it is now one week into the New Year. I’m still on crutches, and still in pain, and tomorrow (Monday, January 8th) I will finally get the results for the MRI that was done about three weeks ago. I don’t know what it will show, but I certainly hope it shows something to explain all this pain in my right knee.

It turns out that the pain is caused by a tear in the lateral meniscus, and the doctor says the way to fix it is an arthroscopic procedure, which they will do on January 25th. So between now and then there will be a flurry of activity: doctor’s appointments to clear me for the procedure, lab tests and ekgs, and a doctor’s appointment with the surgeon to explain the operation and answer my questions.

I guess the reason I’m talking about my knee and all the pain it’s causing me is because in all that’s gone on God has never abandoned me. He’s always been faithfully with me, and been there to help me. Everytime I go up or down the stairs leading to my apartment I pray for His help, because I have to use crutches, and I always have this feeling that I’m going to lose my balance. He’s always there to help me and keep me from falling.

God is SOOO GOOD!!

I can hear people saying, “If God was really there with you, He would have kept this from happening in the first place!”

The Christian life doesn’t work that way. God never promised us a rose garden, but He did promise to walk with us through every circumstance regardless of the difficulty of the situation. Plus, in this fallen world, the human body wears out over time (I’m 70 years old), and that’s what’s happening to me, though I firmly believe that God can heal me.

1But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. 2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.” ~ Isaiah 43:1-2, NKJV.

The story of my life will bear witness to the truth of that passage. And if you read the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the Book of Daniel (see Daniel 3), you’ll find that God walked with them when they were thrown into the fiery furnace, and kept them safe and unharmed because they were faithful to stand for Him regardless of what it meant for them.

15I will give you one more chance to bow down and worship the statue I have made when you hear the sound of the musical instruments. But if you refuse, you will be thrown immediately into the blazing furnace. And then what god will be able to rescue you from my power?” 16Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. 17If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 18But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” ~ Daniel 3:15-18, NLT.

24Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” 25“Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.” ~ Daniel 3:24-25, NKJV.

So the upshot of it all is that, yes, God knows I’m suffering. He knows and He cares. He’s walking with me through it, and helping me every step of the way. He keeps me upright when I’m walking on crutches, and He’s as close as my next breath. He helps me fall asleep at night, especially when my cats are running around fighting with each other and doing zoomies up and down the stairs. As well, He helps me sleep when the pain in my knee is unremitting and so bad that I can’t find a comfortable position, but when I wake up the next morning it’s gotten better.

I feel immense gratitude to God for His presence with me as I walk through this time in my life. I couldn’t do it without Him! And of course, as ever, I’m so grateful for the Cross of Christ. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for that!

THANK YOU, JESUS!!

Nov27

I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help)

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As I’ve had time to reflect over this Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve come to realize that God’s faithfulness has stood me in good stead throughout my life. Regardless of the circumstance He has protected me, saved me from the worst of my father’s atrocities, and kept me alive when my life was threatened ~ as it was on many occasions.

6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, 7rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. ~ Colossians 2:6-7, NIV.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28, NKJV.

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands. ~ Psalm 138:8, NKJV.

And I especially like the way the New Living Translation renders it,

The LORD will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me. ~ Psalm 138:8, NLT.

I can hear some of you saying, “Are you going to tell me that God is using what you went through as a child as a part of His plan for you?” Yes, I believe God is using my childhood as a part of His plan for my life. It’s an uncomfortable thought, but my childhood, as horrific and painful as it was, has brought me closer to God. Knowing that God was protecting me from the worst of the abuse, and saving my life ~ even from my own suicide attempts, of which there were many ~ has made me glad to be alive, and so grateful to God for His efforts on my behalf that my appreciation and thankfulness know no bounds. I’m extremely grateful for the Cross, and I want nothing more than to know God, and to know Jesus, and to know the Holy Spirit, and to serve Them. It’s the least I can do after all They’ve done for me!

In addition to all the other things I’ve described above, I feel a closeness to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit that I never thought possible, and a peace and contentment and happiness that I never could have dreamed of, especially given what I’ve lived through. I can always sense the presence of God, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He hears and answers my prayers regardless of how long it takes for the answer to come. I don’t want that to sound arrogant, because that’s certainly not how I intend it, and I know many people who really struggle in that area, besides which, I’ve contended with unanswered prayer myself.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve got it all together, because I certainly don’t. I’m a sinner just like everyone else, and I need God’s mercy and grace just like the rest of you. I get frustrated and angry the same as everyone else, and I have to cry out to God for help on a regular basis. I’m just grateful that He’s available for me to be able to do that!

8Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ 9and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! ~ Philippians 3:8-11, NLT.

I love this passage from the Book of Philippians. The all-encompassing, all-consuming desire of my life has become to know Christ, and to learn to love Him more and more. We can all learn to love Jesus more. There are always greater depths to plumb in knowing God. One of the best things about God is His mysteriousness! That’s one of my favorite things about reading His Word ~ you can learn more about Him by reading the Bible.

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” ~ Luke 7:47, NLT.

7The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; 8The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; 9The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. 10More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. ~ Psalm 19:7-10, NKJV.

God has forgiven me of many sins, and as a consequence I love Him a LOT, and I love His Word a lot. Reading the Bible has changed my life in so many ways, which are marvelously described in the above quoted passage of Scripture from the Book of Psalms.

I’ve been meandering and wandering around throughout this post, and I’m not sure that I’ve made myself clear. I mean, I understand what I’m getting at. I’m just not sure that anyone else does. What it all boils down to is that, as the title says, I will never, never, EVER doubt God’s goodness, (with God’s help). He’s brought me through too much for me to ever doubt that He has my best interests at heart. I feel the need to qualify that never, never, ever however, because I can’t do anything without God’s help, nor do I want to.

Well, I guess that’s it! Maybe I wasn’t rambling and digressing as much as I thought I was!

Nov21

Kindness to a Fainting Friend

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I’ve had a friend staying with me for the last couple of weeks. She had emergency surgery and had no place to stay afterward because she’d sold the home she’d lived in off and on for over 30 years. It says in the Book of Job,

To him who is afflicted, kindness should be shown by his friend, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. ~ Job 6:14, NKJV.

I especially like the New Living Translation of that verse,

One should be kind to a fainting friend, but you accuse me without any fear of the Almighty. ~ Job 6:14, NLT.

And the English Standard Version is even better,

He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty. ~ Job 6:14, ESV.

The second half of that verse is a little confusing, so I decided to include the ESV, because that version makes it much more clear than the other translations. I don’t ever want to be guilty of forsaking the fear of God. That would be a really dumb thing to do, considering I value God’s opinion of me above all else. Regardless, that verse forms the basis for the title of this post.

It’s been over forty years since I had a roommate, and the last time didn’t go very well, which was why I’ve lived alone all these years, aside from the fact that I kind of like living alone. I’m not accountable to anyone but my cats and God. I can do whatever I want whenever I want when I’m by myself, and especially, I can talk to God out loud and no one will think I’m weird.

I figured there must be something wrong with me, since I failed the last time I tried over forty years ago. It never occurred to me that every relationship is a two-way street, and that both parties contribute to its success or failure. Needless to say, I’ve grown a lot since then, but I’m still surprised to find that things are going quite well this time. My friend and I are able to get along without any difficulties, and we’ve been able to resolve any problems that arise easily and without conflict. Also, she’s a good cook ~ which is great for me, because I don’t cook; I nuke ~ so she cooks most of the time, and I’ve begun to cook a little too. All of which says that I’m becoming marginally domesticated as a result of having her stay with me!

How cool is that!

Having this latest wrinkle added to my life has given me a whole new perspective on things. Maybe I could consider living with a roommate ~ or not ~ but maybe a roommate isn’t outside the realm of possibility for me, as long as it’s the right person. I just have to make sure that it’s the right person, otherwise I’ll end up in disaster like I did forty years ago, and I really don’t want that to happen!

It would be nice if it was my friend, because she’s a known entity, and I wouldn’t have to get used to someone new. I’ve already begun to get used to her, plus she’s someone I’ve known for many years, and we enjoy each other’s company. The same things make us laugh, and the same things make us sad. She knows my background ~ in fact, she was part of the prayer team that prayed for me to be integrated out of multiplicity back in 2003.

So it’s something to think about at least. We’ve been talking about it, and I was surprised that she didn’t pooh-pooh the idea out of hand. I thought sure she’d reject it without even considering it, but she didn’t. We agreed that it’s an option to be evaluated along with all the other possibilities that are available. And we also acknowledged that, first and foremost, we have to pray about it, because God has a plan for both of us, whether that plan includes us living together or not.

So that’s it. In the time since I started writing this over a month ago, all kinds of things have happened, and I’ve become more and more comfortable with the idea of having my friend live with me. She had her surgery on October 14th, and came to stay with me after she was discharged from the hospital, so I picked her up from the hospital and brought her home with me. God is so good, and I’ve learned all sorts of things about myself since she arrived, most important of which is that I’ve grown enough that I can consider living with a roommate if she’s the right person. I’ve been quite satisfied to live with Jesus as my roommate all these years, because He doesn’t do bad things to me.

There are friends who pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. ~ Proverbs 18:24, RSV.

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. ~ Proverbs 18:24, NKJV.

It’s interesting that the same verse could be translated so differently, which is why I included both versions. The part that matters is the second half of the verse, because Jesus is the Friend who sticks closer than a brother, of course, and I’ve learned that I can trust that He would never do anything to hurt me. I’m so grateful for that! And maybe I’m strong enough now that I can deal with it if I get into a painful interaction with a roommate, because I can go to God with the pain, whereas I couldn’t do that before, because I didn’t know Him well enough to know that I could trust Him.

It’s so good to know that trusting God can translate into trusting people!

Oct9

An Unusual Endeavor

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Anyone who knows me knows that I’m kind of shy as far as sharing Jesus is concerned. I don’t talk about my faith easily with anyone. But I’ve been praying that God would help me to become bold about sharing my faith with other people, because the Bible says,

“For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.” ~ Luke 9:26, NKJV.

I don’t ever want Jesus Christ to have to say that He’s ashamed of me! I want more than anything to have God be pleased with me, to have Him say, “Well done, Sarah! You’ve done what I wanted you to do! You’ve served Me well, and I’m so pleased with you!”

I’m getting better at it. It’s easy to be bold on Facebook, though, to be honest, I think that’s because I can’t see the faces of the people I’m talking to, so I don’t know how they’re reacting to what I’m saying. I can’t tell if they’re rejecting my ideas ~ which, in my mind means they’re rejecting me ~ but who cares if they reject me. They rejected Jesus before me, and He’s the Son of God, so I’ve decided it’s time for me to get over myself. It’s always more important what God thinks of me. I don’t care anymore what other people think of me.

Like I said, it’s getting easier to be bold, thankfully. And then, a couple of weeks ago, at a Wednesday night Bible Study at church, God laid it on my heart that I need to witness to a friend. It happened during worship as we were preparing to take Communion. I’ve been concerned about this friend for a very long time, but Wednesday night I felt a new urgency about it, and I knew I had to write him a letter telling him about Jesus, and what He’s done for me.

I can always tell when God is speaking to me, because it happens when I least expect it, usually during times of worship, and especially during worship at church. It’s even happened before when I’m taking a shower, I’m assuming because I play worship music during that time. I don’t hear actual words, nothing like that. I get ideas that I know aren’t my thoughts, because they’re ideas that are very different than my thoughts.

So, even though I knew it would be a difficult letter to write, I knew I had to be obedient to God’s leading. To disobey would be to risk my friend’s eternal destiny, and I didn’t want to be responsible for not witnessing Jesus’ love and God’s saving grace for him, and losing the chance to plant seeds for his salvation. So I prayed that God would give me the words to write and the boldness to say what was necessary, and I wrote the letter. It took me a couple of days, but I got it written, and I sent it off. I was quite surprised at how outspoken and audacious I was able to be. I really laid it on the line, and I was very grateful to God for His help in knowing what to say and how to say it.

There are a number of places in Scripture where it says you don’t have to worry about knowing what to say when you’re in front of people who want to know what you believe. When that happens, Jesus said in the New Testament that you would be given the words to speak by the Holy Spirit, and, God told Moses the same thing in the Book of Exodus,

“Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” ~ Exodus 4:12, NLT.

I use that Scripture whenever I’ll be talking to someone and I’m not sure what to say to them. And then, Jesus told us in the Gospels,

18“You will stand trial before governors and kings because you are my followers. But this will be your opportunity to tell the rulers and other unbelievers about me. 19When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. 20For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” ~ Matthew 10:18-20, NLT.

9“But watch out for yourselves, for they will deliver you up to councils, and you will be beaten in the synagogues. You will be brought before rulers and kings for My sake, for a testimony to them. 10And the gospel must first be preached to all the nations. 11But when they arrest you and deliver you up, do not worry beforehand, or premeditate what you will speak. But whatever is given you in that hour, speak that; for it is not you who speak, but the Holy Spirit.” ~ Mark 13:9-11, NKJV.

11“Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. 12For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” ~ Luke 12:11-12, NKJV.

As I was writing the letter I found the above Scriptures working in me, giving me the words I needed when I needed them, and I’m so grateful to the Holy Spirit for His assistance, because I couldn’t have written such a letter without His help. God is faithful in every circumstance! He has never failed me! Thank you Jesus, thank you Father, and thank you Holy Spirit!

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

I don’t know if I’m a skillful poet, but I love to write, and I try to use beautiful words as I’m doing it, plus I’ve always loved that verse, so I think I’ll end here, even if it feels like a bit of a non sequitur. But this blog is all about writing. About my life, about serving God, and about God healing my life, not necessarily in that order.

And now I think I’m done!

Aug17

In Spite of Me

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I’m so grateful for God’s faithfulness! Even when I’m running around, doing my level best to go against what I know God wants me to do, God is still there, loving me and pointing me in the right direction.

19I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 20I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 21Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 22Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:19-23, NIV.

If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is. ~ 2 Timothy 2:13, NLT.

I love the last part of that verse, “…for he cannot deny who he is.” It says everything about God and His attributes ~ His faithfulness, the fact that He always keeps His promises, the fact that He never lies, and so many other things about Him. So regardless of whether we are faithful to keep our promises to God, or not, He will always be faithful to who He is, because He can’t be any other way.

God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

I am SOOO GRATEFUL for that!! Throughout my childhood God was protecting me from the worst of the abuse. I didn’t know He was there, but He was keeping me alive ~ even when I didn’t want to be alive. God, in His sovereign mercy and grace, knew that better times were coming, and kept me alive so I would be able to experience them. And more importantly, He knew He had things for me to do once I was beyond the abuse.

I’m still trying to figure out what those things are. I know I’m supposed to be keeping this blog, and I’m supposed to be doing artsy-creative things like cross stitch, as well as other things that I’m only beginning to consider.

And probably most important of all, I’m supposed to grow more deeply in love with Him and His Word ~ which I have NO problem doing at all.

I can’t think of anything more to write about, though that may be because it’s about 2 a.m. So maybe I should just publish what I’ve written and be done with it.

I’m going to quote from Lamentations again because I need to be reminded that God is always faithful towards me. He has been my whole entire life, and because He never changes, His faithfulness will continue.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:21-23, NKJV.

So that’s it. God is faithful and He always will be, and as long as that’s true ~ and it always will be ~ then I have nothing to fear.

May12

Real Brokenness, but Glorifying God

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Every once in a while I become aware of just how broken I am as a result of the abuse and incest that was forced upon me by my parents. Most of the time I’m able to live my life without having to acknowledge the real damage that Harry did with his abuse and selfishness. But there are times when I can’t avoid looking at it any longer.

I’m reminded of it everytime I have to make a phone call, or if I want to take a shower, or if I want to go someplace wearing a dress. For most people these things are normal everyday occurrences, but not for me. For me they are fraught with danger, and as such I’ll do almost anything to avoid doing them. And they are just three examples of things that are difficult in my life because of what Harry did to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m limping through life crippled to the point of complete incapacity. While my life is difficult, God is so marvelously good to me that it’s hard to describe. My needs are abundantly met, and I can always sense His presence with me. He’s always there to talk to, and I have His Word to turn to when I need it. Having God’s presence with me more than makes up for the difficulties that I live with as a result of Harry’s selfishness.

“And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” ~ John 17:3, NKJV.

Knowing that I have Someone I can trust completely means the world to me! Going from not being able to trust ANYONE to being able to trust One Person completely is a pretty amazing transformation if you ask me. And considering the One Person I’m trusting is God Almighty, Master of the Universe, Creator of All Things, that makes it even better.

God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

Mar20

The Big Seven-Oh, or Seventy Years of Gratitude

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Today is my birthday and I’m seventy years old. Seventy years old. WOW!! That means I’ve lived seventy years. Seventy years is a VERY long time. That means God has kept me alive for seventy years, through nine suicide attempts, through my mother’s attempts to kill me when I was a baby, and through all of Harry’s threats to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me.

I think it means I’m kind of a miracle, given all that God had to do to keep me alive through all those years and all that mess, and I thank Him for it. I’m incredibly grateful to Him for it!

But what I’m most grateful for is what Christ did on the Cross. If He hadn’t gone to the Cross and died for my sins, then all that other stuff wouldn’t be worth a hill of beans. So more than anything I’m grateful for my salvation. It’s far and away the best decision I’ve ever made.

It turns out that 70 years is equal to 25,550 days, which is the same as 613,200 hours, which translates into 36,792,000 minutes, which is equivalent to 2,207,520,004 seconds. That’s 2 billion, 207 million, 520 thousand, and 4 seconds, just in case you got lost in all those numbers like I did. And it turns out that in these same seventy years, my heart has beat 2,450,000,000 times. That’s 2 billion, 450 million times. WOW!!!

That’s a LOT of seconds, and a whole lot of heartbeats!

It may seem kind of silly for me to go from years all the way down to seconds, and even more so on the number of heartbeats, but I’m doing it to remind myself and anyone who reads this that God has been faithful in fulfilling His promises to me, and has kept me alive through thick and thin every second of every day throughout the years of my life, from the day I was born onward.

I find that amazing, given what I’ve experienced in my life! And it fills me with gratitude towards God, and Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit for all that they’ve done for me.

I could be dwelling on all the bad, evil, and negative stuff that’s been in my life, but what good would it do me? It’s not happening anymore. It’s in the past, and I can’t change it, or wish it away, and I certainly can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I know I relate abuse incidents that happened when I was a kid ~ things Harry or my mother did to me or whatever ~ but my purpose in doing so is to demonstrate how God has been working in me from the time I was born onward to save my life and keep me alive long enough for me to decide to accept His free gift of salvation, and then He could begin to heal me. It’s never to glorify the abuse, or the evil that was done to me.

And looking back, I don’t think I would want to change any of it. If I were to change any of my life, what would I change? Would I ask for different parents? Would I ask to be born in a different country or a different culture? If I were to change any of it, even a little bit, then I wouldn’t be me, and I’ve grown to like myself. And besides that, if I were to come from different parents ~ which could mean that there would be no abuse in my (new) background ~ then I would be someone else. I would be another person with different DNA, and different siblings, or maybe no siblings at all.

And while having a different family, and therefore different DNA, and no abuse, thereby making me a completely different me would be something to consider, I don’t think I would want anything different than what God has already given me. The main reason for this is that if I were a different person, there’s no guarantee that I would have the kind of relationship with God that I have now, and God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are the most important aspect of my life. I can’t live without them. I don’t know but what I would reject God and become an atheist if I were this different person. I would really not want that. In fact I hate the very idea of it.

While the life God has given me has been full of suffering, it’s also been a life that’s full of God, and I would much rather have a God-filled life that’s full of suffering than a life empty of God with no suffering. To me the life separated from God actually has greater suffering than a life filled with God. So I’ll take my life any day, because, though it’s been filled with suffering, it’s also been full of God, and the presence of God makes all the difference.

Jesus + nothing = EVERYTHING!!!

10My aim is to know Him, to experience the power of His resurrection, to share in His sufferings, and to be like Him in His death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. ~ Philippians 3:10-11, NET.

Feb2

My Blocked Brain

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It’s been about two weeks since I tried to write anything, mostly because I made a muddle of the post I was working on, and I just couldn’t finish it. So I decided I would try writing a train-of-thought post, just so I could get myself putting words to paper, so to speak, thereby, hopefully, unblocking my brain. We’ll see how it goes…

I got myself on a reading program ~ finally, though it remains to be seen if I’ll be able to maintain it over the long haul. As much as I love God’s Word, I struggle to read it consistently every day. As the Bible says, “…The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” ~ Matthew 26:41, and Mark 14:38, NIV. Sometimes I’ll go for months without reading it at all, even though I use it all the time. I quote it here in just about every blog post I write, and I use it when I’m praying for myself, and for other people. But I know I need to keep reading and studying regularly to keep my spiritual tank full, plus I always have fun when I’m doing my reading.

I suppose that sounds strange. How can you have fun when you’re reading the Bible? Well, I do. I don’t find the Bible at all boring. The Bible is full of fascinating stories, and beautiful poetry, and gorgeous imagery. Now, to be sure, you have to believe that God exists, and that the stories contained in the Bible are true, but that’s not a problem for me, because I do believe in God, and I love Him passionately, and I believe that the stories in the Bible are true, because God is a god of miracles, and He can’t lie. So if He says something in the Bible happened, then it really happened, because God can’t tell a lie.

God is not a man, so He does not lie. He is not human, so He does not change His mind. Has He ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

God means everything to me, as does Jesus Christ, His Son, and so does the Holy Spirit. Jesus saved me gloriously by dying on the cross, and coming back from the dead, and the Holy Spirit lives in me, and guides and teaches me everyday as the guarantor of my hope of eternal life, and of God fulfilling His promises to me.

And you too trusted him, when you heard the message of truth, the Gospel of your salvation. And after you gave your confidence to him you were, so to speak, stamped with the promised Holy Spirit as a guarantee of purchase, until the day when God completes the redemption of what he has paid for as his own; and that will again be to the praise of his glory. ~ Ephesians 1:13-14, J.B. Phillips New Testament.

When I’m reading my Bible, I get to spend time with God, and learn more about Him. Reading the Bible means I get to dive deeper into His Word, and come to a deeper understanding of who He is. God is an endless well of beauty and mystery and holiness and truth, and He wants us to search Him out so we can know and understand Him, even though we’ll never reach the bottom of that well. His mysteriousness is one of my favorite things about God, because there’s always something new to learn about Him, and the Bible is the place to look for the answers to your questions about Him.

When I say that Jesus saved me gloriously by dying on the cross for me, I mean just that. Not only did He save me because I’m a sinner ~ because I am a sinner. We’re all sinners, and if you think you aren’t, then you’re deceiving yourself. Just ask yourself about the last time you lied.

“You must not tell lies about other people.” ~ Exodus 20:16, Easy-to-Read Version (ERV, Commandment Number Nine.

Or how ‘bout the last time you coveted your neighbor’s car because yours is in the shop and his never breaks down.

“Do not want anything that belongs to someone else. Don’t want anyone’s house, wife or husband, slaves, oxen, donkeys or anything else.” ~ Exodus 20:17, Contemporary English Version (CEV), Commandment Number Ten.

Jesus also saved me from my childhood. If it wasn’t for God protecting me from the worst of my parents’ abuse, I wouldn’t be here to write this blog and tell you my story. God gave me the gift of multiplicity, which helped to keep me alive, and protect me when the abuse was too much for me to bear. I used to hate being multiple, but now I’m very grateful to God for the multiplicity, because I know how instrumental my alters were in keeping me alive. Multiplicity is a gift from God to help a child survive what is otherwise unsurvivable. Anyone who thinks multiplicity is demon possession doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

Well, I think my blocked brain is blocked no longer, thank God, and I think I’m pretty much done with this post. It’s a bit of a hodgepodge, but I said what I wanted to say.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. ~ Ephesians 2:10, NLT.

In the Greek, the word masterpiece is poiēma, from which we get the English word poem, which is a thing of beauty, and that’s how I want to finish this post, because while that’s how God sees me, that’s also how I see God’s Word, because the Bible is a masterpiece.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NLT.

One of the main reasons I love the Bible is because it’s a record of who God is, and what He’s like. And if the Bible says God can or can’t do something, then that’s what God can or can’t do. You can take the Bible at face value. What it says is the Truth. Jesus is the Word of God, and He’s also the embodiment of the Truth.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.~ John 1:1,14, NKJV.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.~ John 14:6, NIV.

I’ve been lied to many times in my life, so truth and integrity and honesty are important to me, and if I find someone whom I can trust to tell me the truth all the time, then I will give myself fully to that person. I’ve found that trustworthiness and integrity in God and in Jesus Christ, and in His Word. He’s healed me and saved me, and given me His Word to teach me and show me that He keeps His promises. I’m very grateful for everything God has done for me. He has my undying gratitude and love. I can never thank Him enough for saving me from Hell, and for saving me from the hell of my childhood.

Thank you, Jesus, thank you God, and thank you, Holy Spirit!!