Category Archives: God’s Grace

Oct9

An Unusual Endeavor

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Anyone who knows me knows that I’m kind of shy as far as sharing Jesus is concerned. I don’t talk about my faith easily with anyone. But I’ve been praying that God would help me to become bold about sharing my faith with other people, because the Bible says,

“For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.” ~ Luke 9:26, NKJV.

I don’t ever want Jesus Christ to have to say that He’s ashamed of me! I want more than anything to have God be pleased with me, to have Him say, “Well done, Sarah! You’ve done what I wanted you to do! You’ve served Me well, and I’m so pleased with you!”

I’m getting better at it. It’s easy to be bold on Facebook, though, to be honest, I think that’s because I can’t see the faces of the people I’m talking to, so I don’t know how they’re reacting to what I’m saying. I can’t tell if they’re rejecting my ideas ~ which, in my mind means they’re rejecting me ~ but who cares if they reject me. They rejected Jesus before me, and He’s the Son of God, so I’ve decided it’s time for me to get over myself. It’s always more important what God thinks of me. I don’t care anymore what other people think of me.

Like I said, it’s getting easier to be bold, thankfully. And then, a couple of weeks ago, at a Wednesday night Bible Study at church, God laid it on my heart that I need to witness to a friend. It happened during worship as we were preparing to take Communion. I’ve been concerned about this friend for a very long time, but Wednesday night I felt a new urgency about it, and I knew I had to write him a letter telling him about Jesus, and what He’s done for me.

I can always tell when God is speaking to me, because it happens when I least expect it, usually during times of worship, and especially during worship at church. It’s even happened before when I’m taking a shower, I’m assuming because I play worship music during that time. I don’t hear actual words, nothing like that. I get ideas that I know aren’t my thoughts, because they’re ideas that are very different than my thoughts.

So, even though I knew it would be a difficult letter to write, I knew I had to be obedient to God’s leading. To disobey would be to risk my friend’s eternal destiny, and I didn’t want to be responsible for not witnessing Jesus’ love and God’s saving grace for him, and losing the chance to plant seeds for his salvation. So I prayed that God would give me the words to write and the boldness to say what was necessary, and I wrote the letter. It took me a couple of days, but I got it written, and I sent it off. I was quite surprised at how outspoken and audacious I was able to be. I really laid it on the line, and I was very grateful to God for His help in knowing what to say and how to say it.

There are a number of places in Scripture where it says you don’t have to worry about knowing what to say when you’re in front of people who want to know what you believe. When that happens, Jesus said in the New Testament that you would be given the words to speak by the Holy Spirit, and, God told Moses the same thing in the Book of Exodus,

“Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” ~ Exodus 4:12, NLT.

I use that Scripture whenever I’ll be talking to someone and I’m not sure what to say to them. And then, Jesus told us in the Gospels,

18“You will stand trial before governors and kings because you are my followers. But this will be your opportunity to tell the rulers and other unbelievers about me. 19When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. 20For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” ~ Matthew 10:18-20, NLT.

9“But watch out for yourselves, for they will deliver you up to councils, and you will be beaten in the synagogues. You will be brought before rulers and kings for My sake, for a testimony to them. 10And the gospel must first be preached to all the nations. 11But when they arrest you and deliver you up, do not worry beforehand, or premeditate what you will speak. But whatever is given you in that hour, speak that; for it is not you who speak, but the Holy Spirit.” ~ Mark 13:9-11, NKJV.

11“Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. 12For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” ~ Luke 12:11-12, NKJV.

As I was writing the letter I found the above Scriptures working in me, giving me the words I needed when I needed them, and I’m so grateful to the Holy Spirit for His assistance, because I couldn’t have written such a letter without His help. God is faithful in every circumstance! He has never failed me! Thank you Jesus, thank you Father, and thank you Holy Spirit!

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

I don’t know if I’m a skillful poet, but I love to write, and I try to use beautiful words as I’m doing it, plus I’ve always loved that verse, so I think I’ll end here, even if it feels like a bit of a non sequitur. But this blog is all about writing. About my life, about serving God, and about God healing my life, not necessarily in that order.

And now I think I’m done!

Jul31

The Pain That Cannot Forget

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“He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.” ~ Aeschylus.

I love that quote from Aeschylus. It says so perfectly what my life is about, though hopefully, as God continues to heal me, my life will be less about the pain and more about being healed.

I’ve become aware that a lot of my behavior has been motivated by a desire to rebel against my mother, because she didn’t protect me from Harry’s atrocities, and I’m doing it even as an adult, which, of course, is long after the abuse ended. All this time I thought it was simply driven by pain, but it turns out it’s much more complex than that. I think pain is at the root of it, but there’s a lot of rebellion there too.

Rebellion is something that God hates, so I don’t want any part of it. The Bible likens it to witchcraft,

“Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the LORD, He has rejected you as king.” ~ 1 Samuel 15:23, NLT.

To be honest, I also think there’s a part of me that is just plain lazy. I dislike change, so rather than grow, I’m choosing to remain in the muck and mire of the mess I’m currently wallowing in, though it could be more inertia and less laziness.

I think I’m going to publish this as is, even though it’s unfinished, partly because I’m unfinished. But I’m grateful that I won’t stay unfinished, because…

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. ~ Philippians 1:6, NLT.

…because I know that God will continue healing me until I’m completely healed when Jesus comes back and takes me Home to be with Him. I can hardly wait for that day!!

Sep25

Having Flashbacks In the Dentist’s Chair

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I broke a tooth yesterday, so I had to go to the dentist today. I didn’t have a dentist before yesterday, because I’m terrified of going to see them. Everytime you go to the dentist, they have to numb your gums, and everytime they do that, I can not only feel, but hear the POP of the needle going into my gums. It’s the creepiest thing, and it just terrifies me.

Until today when I was sitting in the dentist’s chair, I thought hearing the pop of the needle going into my gums was the only problem I had with the dentist.

Turns out I was wrong, very wrong.

So I was sitting in the dentist’s chair, and she told me to close my eyes as she was working on my teeth. I did that, but then I started seeing all these flashbacks. You know, Harry doing bad things to me. Only this time, the flashbacks were specifically about oral sex ~ I’m sure because the dentist was messing around in my mouth, forcing it wide open as she was drilling, etc.

Hence, the next time the dentist told me to close my eyes ~ once I could get a word in ~ I said I couldn’t because it made me have flashbacks, so she stopped suggesting it, thankfully. And as long as I kept my eyes open the flashbacks were held down to a dull roar ~ because once they’d begun, I couldn’t make them stop. I almost started crying, they got so bad.

I’ve known for years that Harry forced me to have oral sex with him. The very first memory I had back in 1980 was of him forcing me to have oral sex in the shower when I was about two years old. Then years later, I found a report from my pediatrician saying I had a rash around my mouth when I was about four, and I was fairly certain what had caused the rash.

And when I say oral sex, that’s exactly what I mean. Harry was forcing me to put his penis in my mouth, and my mouth was too small for it, so it made me gag and choke, which made him mad, so he started hitting me, after which I got confused and terrified, so I lost control of my bowels and pooped on the shower floor. That made Harry REALLY mad, so he picked up my feces and threw it at me, and then he forced me to eat it.

How can people be so beastly towards other people, especially towards innocent children? What did I ever do to him to make him hate me so?

I forgive him! I purpose in my heart to forgive him!

This was horribly difficult to write. It was a new memory, and it came up in public, and in a strange place, with people that I didn’t know, so I had no one with whom I could process it. I had to keep it all inside until I got home.

So I took myself to McDonald’s and got a Mocha Frappé to reward myself for adulting so well! Yay me! And more importantly, yay God, because I couldn’t have done it without Him. Throughout the appointment I was repeating a verse from Isaiah to myself,

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3, NKJV.

And then I personalized it,

You will keep me in perfect peace because my mind is stayed on You, because I trust in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3, personalized.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used this verse to get me through a difficult situation like today, and especially once I started having those flashbacks. Being able to draw on the Holy Spirit, and the Father, and my Sweet Jesus by meditating on Scripture, as I did today, made all the difference.

As Jesus told the Apostle Paul when Paul asked Him to remove the thorn in his flesh,

“My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9, Good News Translation.

I was weak today, and I’m glad I was, because God is faithful and trustworthy. He always keeps His promises. He always shows up if we will only put our trust in Him.

I’m so glad I did!

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Holy Spirit! Praise God! God is so good!

Sep11

An Attitude of Gratitude ~ Part II

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Adopting an attitude of gratitude has been more helpful than anything else I’ve tried as I’ve recovered from my childhood. It was easy to focus on how awful I’d had it as a kid, but that didn’t help me to grow and heal. In fact, it only made me feel worse.

I spent years being angry at God for what had happened to me. In fact, that’s all I could see or think about. I devoted a great deal of time to informing Him about how badly He’d messed up my life by allowing Harry and my mother to abuse me as they had, by even placing me in that family in the first place.

What I didn’t understand was that God, because He’s GOD, and therefore Creator and Ruler over everything, including me, had the absolute right to do whatever He wished with my life, just because He’s God. What that means is that He didn’t have to ask my permission before He did something in my life. Specifically, He didn’t have to ask me, or explain to me, why He was placing me in the particular family that He put me in. He’s God and therefore sovereign, and doesn’t owe anyone an explanation about anything.

Woe to the man who fights with his Creator. Does the pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with him who forms it, saying, “Stop, you’re doing it wrong!” or the pot exclaim, “How clumsy can you be!”? ~ Isaiah 45:9, TLB (The Living Bible).

I love the way this translation words it, because that’s exactly what I was trying to do. I was trying to tell God that He had done it wrong by giving me those specific parents. As far as I was concerned, He should have given me much better parents. Parents who were nicer and more loving, as if God, Master of the Universe, Creator of All Things, had made a mistake. And I felt very angry, even enraged, about it too.

Looking back, I can see how incredibly arrogant and presumptuous I was in thinking that. I was displaying the same kind of arrogance Satan did when he decided he would assume God’s throne and overthrow Him, which of course, was impossible. The result of his presumption was that he got tossed out of Heaven forever, and thrown down to Earth.

“How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, you who weakened the nations! For you have said in your heart: ‘I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God; I will also sit on the mount of the congregation on the farthest sides of the north; I will ascend above the heights of the clouds, I will be like the Most High.’“ ~ Isaiah 14:12-14, NKJV.

Then the seventy returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your name.” And He said to them, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. ~ Luke 10:17-18, NKJV.

What I didn’t realize was that if He had given me different parents, then I wouldn’t be me. I’d be someone else with different DNA, a completely different genetic makeup, and completely different reactions to everything. Even more, I would also have a different relationship, or perhaps no relationship at all, with God, and the thought of that horrified and terrified me. I can’t imagine a life where God isn’t a part of it, nor do I want to.

So it seemed I had a decision to make, whether or not I was consciously aware of it. I could hold onto my anger at God, and reject Him and the salvation He offered through Jesus Christ. Or I could be smart and let go of my anger, and accept the grace, and the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.

I knew that letting go of my anger meant accepting my past and the terrible suffering that went with it, but there was suffering either way, whether I stayed angry or let go of it. I’d already begun to feel like I was losing my mind because the anger had such a tight grip on me. I was breaking things (the windshield of my car, and one of my tires had fallen victim to my rage), and it felt like there was band around my head that grew tighter every day because I was so angry all the time. In addition, I’d begun to fear that I would lose my salvation if I didn’t let the anger go, because I was yelling and cursing at God almost constantly, and while God is extremely patient and long-suffering, I couldn’t imagine that He’d put up with my childish temper tantrums forever, all the Scriptures to the contrary notwithstanding.

And then I heard James Dobson say something on a Focus On the Family broadcast that brought me up short, and made me think that maybe I was barking up the wrong tree. I don’t remember what the subject of the broadcast was, but what Dr. Dobson said was, “We don’t have the right to hold God accountable.”

What that meant to me was that I didn’t have the right to question God’s sovereignty, which is exactly what I was doing. Human beings don’t have the right to question their Creator’s plan for their lives. God loves us, and because He’s Perfect He really does know what’s best for us. Being Perfect means He doesn’t make mistakes with regard to our lives, and in my case, with regard to my life.

There are times when I have a hard time with that concept. When I consider the absolute Hell I went through as a child, and the love I’ve gone without, because neither parent was willing to meet my emotional needs in any substantive way, which left me feeling like I was starving to death emotionally most of the time.

But I’ve come to realize that God didn’t make a mistake by giving me these parents, as difficult as my life with them was. He had a plan. I think that plan was that I would be able to form a relationship with Him that would be so far above and beyond anything I could ever imagine, one that would never have happened had I been born into any other family.

I’ve come to value my relationship with God far more than any other affiliation in my life, and I wouldn’t be willing to give it up for anything. Thankfully I don’t think He expects me to.

Even though I feel like there’s a gaping hole in me emotionally, I know there’s only One Person who can meet that need, and that Person is Jesus Christ. So I will eagerly await His appearing, and long for the time when I can see His beautiful face, and know Him as He knows me now.

E‘en so, come quickly Lord Jesus!!