“He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.” ~ Aeschylus.

I love that quote from Aeschylus. It says so perfectly what my life is about, though hopefully, as God continues to heal me, my life will be less about the pain and more about being healed.

I’ve become aware that a lot of my behavior has been motivated by a desire to rebel against my mother, because she didn’t protect me from Harry’s atrocities, and I’m doing it even as an adult, which, of course, is long after the abuse ended. All this time I thought it was simply driven by pain, but it turns out it’s much more complex than that. I think pain is at the root of it, but there’s a lot of rebellion there too.

Rebellion is something that God hates, so I don’t want any part of it. The Bible likens it to witchcraft,

“Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the LORD, He has rejected you as king.” ~ 1 Samuel 15:23, NLT.

To be honest, I also think there’s a part of me that is just plain lazy. I dislike change, so rather than grow, I’m choosing to remain in the muck and mire of the mess I’m currently wallowing in, though it could be more inertia and less laziness.

I think I’m going to publish this as is, even though it’s unfinished, partly because I’m unfinished. But I’m grateful that I won’t stay unfinished, because…

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. ~ Philippians 1:6, NLT.

…because I know that God will continue healing me until I’m completely healed when Jesus comes back and takes me Home to be with Him. I can hardly wait for that day!!