Apr23

Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. But Christ…

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1“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”…8Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content. Ecclesiastes 1:2, 8, NLT.

The dichotomy between the meaninglessness of Ecclesiastes and leading a victorious Christian life is especially pertinent when things are not going well, which is something I will talk about below.

The whole idea of Christ bearing my sins for me was really brought home to me this Easter. It all of sudden occurred to me that when Jesus took my sins in His body on the Cross, He bore ALL my sins, and once that happened, I became sin-less, as if I had never sinned. I could picture myself completely innocent, as if I had never done anything wrong, a perfectly pure and undefiled baby who had never been affected by the evil of this broken world.

Being able to see myself in that way really makes a difference in the way I navigate my life, or at least it should. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. As Paul said in Romans, Chapter Seven,

21I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. ~ Romans 7:21-25, NLT.

So even though I know, at least positionally, that I am completely sinless, I’m still dominated by sin in my day-to-day life. And my favorite verse in the above passage is verse 24,

24O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I especially feel the wretchedness of Romans 7:24 when things aren’t going well, as is the case right now. I’ve been suffering from a case of chronic, sometimes explosive diarrhea for about two months now, and I’m beginning to feel like it’ll never end. I’ve become very discouraged. I’ve had accident after accident after accident, and once it happened while I was out and about. When that happened I was taking Solomon and Gracie to a vet appointment and I’d already arrived at the vet’s office, so I couldn’t turn around and go home. I just had to go in and head for the restroom. Talk about humiliating! Fortunately it wasn’t as bad an episode as some of the other ones have been, but that it happened at all was bad enough.

My doctor doesn’t know what’s causing it. I’ve had stool samples analyzed by the lab, and they found nothing, so now my doctor wants me to see a GI doctor. The problem with that is that I don’t trust anyone but my primary care doctor, and my therapist, and God. One of the people who abused me when I was a kid was a doctor, so I have big trust issues with medical people.

Another aspect of this is that I’m in constant pain from my hips and knees. I can’t stand for more than a couple of minutes before it becomes unbearable. I realize it’s not related to the diarrhea, but it’s definitely a complicating factor.

I know that my posts are usually positive and sweetness and light, but I’m really struggling here, and if I can’t be honest on my blog, where can I be, except with God?

I think things started to get bad after I published a post on November 27 of last year called I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God. Ever since I published that post it seems like things started getting worse and worse, culminating in this horrible diarrhea. I get the feeling the devil is trying to make me change my stance on God’s goodness.

Well, I’m not going to! I don’t understand why this diarrhea has continued on for so long, and I really don’t understand why God hasn’t healed me, when I’ve prayed for healing, and prayed and prayed and prayed for it. The accidents just keep happening and happening, and I’m so TIRED. I’ve also begun yelling at God, and I thought I was beyond that, plus I really don’t like doing it. I think I’ve given up on God healing me, because I’ve stopped asking.

I feel like I’ve begun to lose hope, something I didn’t think would ever happen once God set me free. But here I am.

However, even though I can’t feel it, I refuse to believe all hope is lost.

17Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: 18Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 19The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-19, KJV.

And then there’s this from the Psalms,

12But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. 13For they are transplanted to the LORD’s own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. 14Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. ~ Psalm 92:12-14, NLT.

So maybe all is not lost, and what I need to do is trust that God is there even though I can’t feel or see Him right now. I know that His Word is true, and He is just as faithful in the hard times as He is when things are good. Jesus is still the Author and Finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2), and I want Him to continue on in that role.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 24“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I hope in Him!” ~ Lamentations 3:21-24, NKJV.

I thank you, Lord, for Your goodness and kindness to me! Whether I can feel it or not, I know You are with me, because Your Word says You are! You’ve been with me throughout my life and that won’t change now, because You are ever faithful to me!

Apr4

Discovering God Through Art

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I was fooling around on Instagram the day before yesterday, as I am wont to do, and I came across this amazing portrait artist, whose name is Alistair Adams. And I all of a sudden realized that if I were doing artistic things ~ drawing, painting, stuff like that ~ what I’d be doing is portraits, because doing faces is what I’ve always loved best. Below is a face that I did a long time ago:

I know it’s really big, but I couldn’t figure out how to crop it down to a more manageable size, so you get to look at him larger than life. I did this drawing a really long time ago, 1991 to be exact. I took it from a magazine photograph because it was sort a of practice drawing to see if I could actually do it. I never planned on selling it. In fact, I have it hanging on the wall of my dining room. It’s called “Toying With Love” and it’s graphite on paper, and is 8 x 10 inches. The original photograph had a butterfly inside the toy, but I didn’t like that so I put a heart there instead. The thing is, I’ve done very little since. Here’s one:

This was a commission I did for a friend of her granddaughter when she was two weeks old. There were a number of things about the drawing that I didn’t like, and just couldn’t seem to fix, mostly concerning her hair. I tried and tried and tried some more, to no avail. It took me five long years, and my friend was endlessly patient, and I ended up telling her that I wanted to give her the drawing for free because I had taken so long, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She insisted on paying me the price we had originally agreed upon, including the framing.

What finally made it so I could say it was finished was my cousin, Linda Gunn, who is a wonderful professional artist, and who has always been amazingly encouraging to me as a mentor. I decided to go to her studio one day and take this drawing with me to see if she could help me with it. When I told her I was having trouble figuring out what to do next, she took one look at it, and said, “What do you mean, what should you do with it? It’s finished!”

You have no idea how relieved I was to hear that! She told me not to worry about the hair, and just be done with it. I felt like dancing around the room, I was so elated! So I cleaned it up and took it to the framer. It’s called “Tiana at Age Two Weeks” and it’s graphite on paper, and is 16 x 20 inches.

So I spent most of the day when I was fooling around on Instagram looking at all of Alistair Adams’ work that he’d posted. And I was constantly amazed at his skill. His portraits are beautiful! And I found myself wondering if I could do that, and I knew I had to try. So that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t know how it’ll turn out, but I’ll never find out if I don’t try. And with God on my side, and at my side, it seems like it would have to go somewhere, don’t you think?

For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us]. ~ Ephesians 2:10, Amplified Bible.

I love the way the Amplified Bible renders that verse. It seems to me that just as God has created me to do good works, He has made me His master work, His work of art, so He will help me to create works of art as I give Him glory, which I fully intend to do.

Apr3

Writer’s Block Notwithstanding…

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I’ve been struggling with what to write about lately ~ a LOT. I started working on a post about beauty, and I wanted to include some photos of birds, but I couldn’t figure out how to format them the way I wanted them to look. I finally got so frustrated that I had to walk away or I was going have a panic attack and throw my computer, which would have been a really bad thing to do.

Since the not-throwing-my-computer day, which was a long time ago, I keep getting ideas of topics to write about, but because I haven’t finished the post about beauty, I can’t really move on to any other subjects. So here I am, blathering on about wanting to write about beauty and beautiful things, but not being able to for whatever reason. Maybe if I write about wanting to write about it, that will help me move towards actually writing about it. So here goes…

I crave beauty. I need to be surrounded by beauty and beautiful things, so I make sure my environment always has artwork on display, plus I always have the means to create my own artwork as well. Beauty feeds my soul. I talk to God about it all the time. Everytime I see something beautiful in His creation I tell Him about it, and thank Him for it. God’s Word is beautiful, and I listen to it while I’m sleeping at night. In fact, it helps me fall asleep, because it fills me with peace.

Give unto the LORD the glory due unto His name; worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness. ~ Psalm 29:2, KJV.

But godliness actually is a source of great gain when accompanied by contentment [that contentment which comes from a sense of inner confidence based on the sufficiency of God]. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6, Amplified Bible.

Both those verses talk about some form of beauty. The first one, Psalm 29:2, talks about worshiping the Lord in the beauty of holiness. Who knew that holiness could be beautiful? But it can be, and it is, because God is beautiful, and He is holy.

The second one, 1 Timothy 6:6, is a little more obscure, but if you think about it I’m sure you’ll be able to see it. The confidence that comes from knowing God will always be there for you, always meeting your needs, always keeping His promises to you ~ that will bring a deep-seated peace and such great contentment, knowing you never have to worry about where your next meal is coming from again ~ that truly is a beautiful thing!

And then there’s Psalm 23. There’s probably no more beautiful description about the sufficiency of God than Psalm 23,

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. 3He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:1-6, NKJV.

It’s interesting that I’m focusing on Psalm 23 in this post, and in the one before this, because I’m going through some intense testing right now (so if you think of it, I would really appreciate your prayers), and it’s really comforting to know that I can trust God to have my back in the midst of this. I know it’s not God doing it, because of what it says in the Book of James,

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. ~ James 1:13, NKJV.

And I really like the way the Amplified Bible translates it,

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God” [for temptation does not originate from God, but from our own flaws]; for God cannot be tempted by [what is] evil, and He Himself tempts no one. ~ James 1:13, Amplified Bible.

It’s encouraging to know that God won’t ever tempt me to do bad things. My father used to do that, and then he’d punish me when I did what he’d tempted me to do. It was all a great big trick with him, and I could never figure out what the rules were. But God doesn’t do that, and for that I’m eternally grateful!

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. ~ James 5:16, NKJV.

Mar21

Beauty from Ashes

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Today is my birthday (though by the time this is published it’ll be the day after my birthday). I’m seventy-one years old, and I’m so grateful to God that He’s brought me this far. I have SOOO MUCH to be grateful for! First and foremost, there’s the Cross of Christ, of course, but God has been saving my life my whole life long. His goodness and mercy towards me are absolutely unfathomable.

I wrote a post back on November 27, 2023, entitled I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help) that pretty much sums it all up for me. God’s goodness has been the guiding force behind my whole life, whether I knew it or not, and I’m so grateful to God for His kindness and goodness in my life. I’m kind of at a loss for words, because there aren’t enough words to express how much gratitude I feel.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:4-6, NKJV.

I have a thing for beauty, and I feel like God has made my life into something beautiful. He didn’t have much to work with, because I was a thoroughgoing mess. Psalm 23:4-6 is my life in a nutshell. I walked through the valley of the shadow of death throughout my childhood, because I was always afraid that one or the other of my parents were going to do me in if I did something they didn’t like. My mother tried it a number of times when I was a baby, and my father threatened to do so if I told anyone what he was doing to me. But God was protecting me, so I really could “fear no evil”, because God was with me.

To me that’s God creating beauty out of ugliness, and as God has healed me over the years, I feel like He’s prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemy, the devil, because God and I get the last laugh. The devil tried hard to destroy me but failed, and between me and God, he will always fail, because my life is committed to God, and Jesus is my Lord, and the Holy Spirit is my helper and advocate. So goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever! AMEN!!

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. ~ Colossians 3:16, KJV.

Feb4

I’ve Got an Itch to Scratch

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Every once in a while I get the itch to write, and when I do I know I’d better scratch it, because if I don’t, I could be setting myself up for a rip-roaring case of writer’s block, and I really don’t want that. Thus the reason for this post.

My desire is always to represent Christ well in my day-to-day dealings ~ in the way I treat other people, in the way I interact online, and in the way I utilize the financial resources God has blessed me with. And it’s that last that gives me the biggest problem. I love giving to ministries that are doing God’s work, preaching the Gospel to unreached people-groups, and making sure that the Bible gets into the hands of every person who wants or needs one, regardless of what language they speak.

The problem I have is that when I donate to a ministry, almost immediately I start getting letters from other organizations and ministries that I’ve never given money to, who say they urgently need my money. Sometimes they go so far as to say on the outside of the envelope that children will die if I don’t send them my money. I don’t even know how they got my name and address, and I feel incredibly manipulated by their tactics. Sometimes they include money in the envelope (a nickel or a dime; one time it was a quarter), and many times they also insert sheet upon sheet of address labels, as if giving me a bunch of address labels will make me grateful enough to respond by sending them my money. One organization even sent a tee shirt. A tee shirt, for goodness’ sake!

NO! My giving must be motivated by the Holy Spirit and no one else, and certainly not by manipulation and strings attached to the requests of whatever organization. On the face of it, these organizations are probably worthy causes, but the way they go about their campaigns leaves a great deal to be desired, at least in my book. It may be that I’m the only one in all of Christendom who has a problem with this, and it may be that I’m ultra sensitive to the manipulation because of my background, but whatever the reason, it’s a real problem for me.

You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.” ~ 2 Corinthians 9:7, NLT.

Every month I get all worried that I’ve blown it because I should have given to some organization that sent me a solicitation for money using one or more of the tactics mentioned above, plus I feel anxious that maybe I’m being a selfish jerk because I don’t want to give to some ministry who sent me a tee shirt or whatever.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I love giving to God’s work in the world. I love being able to further the Name of Jesus, to help in preaching the Gospel of Christ, seeing people getting saved, and knowing that I had a part in making that happen. But I don’t love giving to organizations that manipulated me into sending them my money. That makes me feel resentful, and I can’t imagine God is pleased with that, either on the ministry’s end because of the tactics they used to convince me to donate to them, or on my end because I’m not giving with a joyful heart. Interestingly, the Greek word for “cheerful” is the same word from which we get the word “hilarious”. So you could interpret that to mean that God loves a hilarious giver. How cool is that! I like that! Therefore if I can’t give to a ministry hilariously, then I won’t give to them at all!

In the first place, I’m not writing this to please anyone except God, and He knows I’m not selfish. And as far as being afraid that I’ve blown it because I didn’t donate to whatever cause that arrives in my mailbox, as I was writing about it in the previous paragraph, I was reminded of that verse in First John,

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18, NKJV.

I realized that what I was feeling was fear when I thought of trying to figure out what ministries to donate to, because I was afraid of displeasing God if I chose the wrong ones. Pleasing God has always been central to my life as a Christian. It guides my thoughts and actions. I write this blog because I want to please Him, and because He’s eminently worthy of being worshiped.

And then I realized that, paradoxically, as strange as it sounds, maybe I’m trying too hard to please God. It says in the Book of Hebrews,

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. ~ Hebrews 11:6, NKJV.

I already have all the ingredients necessary for pleasing God! I believe He exists, and I diligently seek Him all the time, everyday. Hebrews 11:6 says that you must have faith if you want to please God. There was never a time in my life when I stopped believing in God’s existence. Many people who’ve endured what I’ve gone through decide at some point that God doesn’t exist ~ they become atheists. Their thinking is that if God were real, He would have done something to help them ~ He would have put a stop to the abuse ~ and since He didn’t, therefore He doesn’t exist.

I’m not sure why that never happened to me, but I’m extremely grateful that it didn’t. I never, ever want to lose my relationship with God! My faith is the most important part of my life, and I’d be utterly bereft without it.

So maybe I already have faith, and therefore I already am pleasing to God! Wow! That’s quite a revelation to me. What it means is that I can quit striving so hard and just rest in His love. I really like the sound of that.

15Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. ~ 1 John 4:15-16, NKJV.

It feels like that verse is describing me. Jesus Christ is definitely the Son of God as far as I’m concerned ~ the Bible says He is, and He called Himself the Son of God on a number of occasions, so that settles it for me.

30And truly Jesus did many other signs in the presence of His disciples, which are not written in this book; 31but these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in His name. ~ John 20:30-31, NKJV.

69“Hereafter the Son of Man will sit on the right hand of the power of God.” 70Then they all said, “Are You then the Son of God?” So He said to them, “You rightly say that I am.” 71And they said, “What further testimony do we need? For we have heard it ourselves from His own mouth.” ~ Luke 22:69-71, NKJV.

My friend suggested that I change the way I think about the ministries I donate my money to. She suggested I ask God to show me a few specific organizations to give to, and pretty much ignore the ones that come in the mail beyond that, unless the Lord sends a bolt of lightning to strike the envelope for the specific ministry He wants me to contribute to. I already know the few specific ministries, because I’ve been giving to them for a while now, so I guess my problem is already solved. Plus, as I referenced above, God loves a cheerful giver, as it says in 2 Corinthians 9:7, and the word “cheerful” is the same word that we get the word “hilarious” from. I really like the idea of being able to give to God hilariously, with a joyful heart. That makes it sound fun.

Just following my friend’s suggestion has given me a great deal of peace. I no longer feel any anxiety about whether I’m doing it right, or whether I’m making God mad because I’m not giving to all the ministries that send me requests for money in my mail.

What a relief!! Thank you Jesus!!

Jan13

God Knows I’m Suffering?

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8Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~ 1 Peter 5:8-10, ESV.

Over the summer my right knee started acting up, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. After my friend came to stay with me in the middle of October, my knee was still causing a small amount of pain, but I could still walk on it, and it was barely noticeable. On the ten-point pain scale the doctor gives you it would have been about a two or a three.

In the last month or so the pain in my knee has exploded. It’s now at a twelve or even a fifteen on a scale of one to ten, and I can’t walk on it or put any weight on it. My friend, Linda (name changed to protect her privacy) is having to wait on me hand and foot, something I hate. I’m far too independent to want anyone waiting on me like that, but I can’t do anything for myself because I have to use crutches to get around.

Linda is cooking for me and bringing me my medications when I need them. She’s also making sure the cats get fed, and keeping the kitchen cleaned up, something I didn’t do much of when I was alone. I let my housekeeper take care of that, and she comes once every two weeks. Linda is also driving me to doctor’s appointments and to church.

Linda being with me during this time has been a true life-saver, and I’m extremely grateful to her and to God. I simply could not have survived on my own. I would have ended up in some kind of facility, which would have been exponentially worse.

On another note, the doctor did x-rays two weeks ago today, but they revealed nothing. So an MRI was done a week ago last Monday, and I’m waiting for the results on that as I’m writing this.

All of the above was written in November and December, and it is now one week into the New Year. I’m still on crutches, and still in pain, and tomorrow (Monday, January 8th) I will finally get the results for the MRI that was done about three weeks ago. I don’t know what it will show, but I certainly hope it shows something to explain all this pain in my right knee.

It turns out that the pain is caused by a tear in the lateral meniscus, and the doctor says the way to fix it is an arthroscopic procedure, which they will do on January 25th. So between now and then there will be a flurry of activity: doctor’s appointments to clear me for the procedure, lab tests and ekgs, and a doctor’s appointment with the surgeon to explain the operation and answer my questions.

I guess the reason I’m talking about my knee and all the pain it’s causing me is because in all that’s gone on God has never abandoned me. He’s always been faithfully with me, and been there to help me. Everytime I go up or down the stairs leading to my apartment I pray for His help, because I have to use crutches, and I always have this feeling that I’m going to lose my balance. He’s always there to help me and keep me from falling.

God is SOOO GOOD!!

I can hear people saying, “If God was really there with you, He would have kept this from happening in the first place!”

The Christian life doesn’t work that way. God never promised us a rose garden, but He did promise to walk with us through every circumstance regardless of the difficulty of the situation. Plus, in this fallen world, the human body wears out over time (I’m 70 years old), and that’s what’s happening to me, though I firmly believe that God can heal me.

1But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. 2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.” ~ Isaiah 43:1-2, NKJV.

The story of my life will bear witness to the truth of that passage. And if you read the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the Book of Daniel (see Daniel 3), you’ll find that God walked with them when they were thrown into the fiery furnace, and kept them safe and unharmed because they were faithful to stand for Him regardless of what it meant for them.

15I will give you one more chance to bow down and worship the statue I have made when you hear the sound of the musical instruments. But if you refuse, you will be thrown immediately into the blazing furnace. And then what god will be able to rescue you from my power?” 16Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. 17If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 18But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” ~ Daniel 3:15-18, NLT.

24Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” 25“Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.” ~ Daniel 3:24-25, NKJV.

So the upshot of it all is that, yes, God knows I’m suffering. He knows and He cares. He’s walking with me through it, and helping me every step of the way. He keeps me upright when I’m walking on crutches, and He’s as close as my next breath. He helps me fall asleep at night, especially when my cats are running around fighting with each other and doing zoomies up and down the stairs. As well, He helps me sleep when the pain in my knee is unremitting and so bad that I can’t find a comfortable position, but when I wake up the next morning it’s gotten better.

I feel immense gratitude to God for His presence with me as I walk through this time in my life. I couldn’t do it without Him! And of course, as ever, I’m so grateful for the Cross of Christ. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for that!

THANK YOU, JESUS!!

Nov27

I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help)

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As I’ve had time to reflect over this Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve come to realize that God’s faithfulness has stood me in good stead throughout my life. Regardless of the circumstance He has protected me, saved me from the worst of my father’s atrocities, and kept me alive when my life was threatened ~ as it was on many occasions.

6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, 7rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. ~ Colossians 2:6-7, NIV.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28, NKJV.

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands. ~ Psalm 138:8, NKJV.

And I especially like the way the New Living Translation renders it,

The LORD will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me. ~ Psalm 138:8, NLT.

I can hear some of you saying, “Are you going to tell me that God is using what you went through as a child as a part of His plan for you?” Yes, I believe God is using my childhood as a part of His plan for my life. It’s an uncomfortable thought, but my childhood, as horrific and painful as it was, has brought me closer to God. Knowing that God was protecting me from the worst of the abuse, and saving my life ~ even from my own suicide attempts, of which there were many ~ has made me glad to be alive, and so grateful to God for His efforts on my behalf that my appreciation and thankfulness know no bounds. I’m extremely grateful for the Cross, and I want nothing more than to know God, and to know Jesus, and to know the Holy Spirit, and to serve Them. It’s the least I can do after all They’ve done for me!

In addition to all the other things I’ve described above, I feel a closeness to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit that I never thought possible, and a peace and contentment and happiness that I never could have dreamed of, especially given what I’ve lived through. I can always sense the presence of God, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He hears and answers my prayers regardless of how long it takes for the answer to come. I don’t want that to sound arrogant, because that’s certainly not how I intend it, and I know many people who really struggle in that area, besides which, I’ve contended with unanswered prayer myself.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve got it all together, because I certainly don’t. I’m a sinner just like everyone else, and I need God’s mercy and grace just like the rest of you. I get frustrated and angry the same as everyone else, and I have to cry out to God for help on a regular basis. I’m just grateful that He’s available for me to be able to do that!

8Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ 9and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! ~ Philippians 3:8-11, NLT.

I love this passage from the Book of Philippians. The all-encompassing, all-consuming desire of my life has become to know Christ, and to learn to love Him more and more. We can all learn to love Jesus more. There are always greater depths to plumb in knowing God. One of the best things about God is His mysteriousness! That’s one of my favorite things about reading His Word ~ you can learn more about Him by reading the Bible.

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” ~ Luke 7:47, NLT.

7The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; 8The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; 9The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. 10More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. ~ Psalm 19:7-10, NKJV.

God has forgiven me of many sins, and as a consequence I love Him a LOT, and I love His Word a lot. Reading the Bible has changed my life in so many ways, which are marvelously described in the above quoted passage of Scripture from the Book of Psalms.

I’ve been meandering and wandering around throughout this post, and I’m not sure that I’ve made myself clear. I mean, I understand what I’m getting at. I’m just not sure that anyone else does. What it all boils down to is that, as the title says, I will never, never, EVER doubt God’s goodness, (with God’s help). He’s brought me through too much for me to ever doubt that He has my best interests at heart. I feel the need to qualify that never, never, ever however, because I can’t do anything without God’s help, nor do I want to.

Well, I guess that’s it! Maybe I wasn’t rambling and digressing as much as I thought I was!

Nov21

Kindness to a Fainting Friend

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I’ve had a friend staying with me for the last couple of weeks. She had emergency surgery and had no place to stay afterward because she’d sold the home she’d lived in off and on for over 30 years. It says in the Book of Job,

To him who is afflicted, kindness should be shown by his friend, even though he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. ~ Job 6:14, NKJV.

I especially like the New Living Translation of that verse,

One should be kind to a fainting friend, but you accuse me without any fear of the Almighty. ~ Job 6:14, NLT.

And the English Standard Version is even better,

He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty. ~ Job 6:14, ESV.

The second half of that verse is a little confusing, so I decided to include the ESV, because that version makes it much more clear than the other translations. I don’t ever want to be guilty of forsaking the fear of God. That would be a really dumb thing to do, considering I value God’s opinion of me above all else. Regardless, that verse forms the basis for the title of this post.

It’s been over forty years since I had a roommate, and the last time didn’t go very well, which was why I’ve lived alone all these years, aside from the fact that I kind of like living alone. I’m not accountable to anyone but my cats and God. I can do whatever I want whenever I want when I’m by myself, and especially, I can talk to God out loud and no one will think I’m weird.

I figured there must be something wrong with me, since I failed the last time I tried over forty years ago. It never occurred to me that every relationship is a two-way street, and that both parties contribute to its success or failure. Needless to say, I’ve grown a lot since then, but I’m still surprised to find that things are going quite well this time. My friend and I are able to get along without any difficulties, and we’ve been able to resolve any problems that arise easily and without conflict. Also, she’s a good cook ~ which is great for me, because I don’t cook; I nuke ~ so she cooks most of the time, and I’ve begun to cook a little too. All of which says that I’m becoming marginally domesticated as a result of having her stay with me!

How cool is that!

Having this latest wrinkle added to my life has given me a whole new perspective on things. Maybe I could consider living with a roommate ~ or not ~ but maybe a roommate isn’t outside the realm of possibility for me, as long as it’s the right person. I just have to make sure that it’s the right person, otherwise I’ll end up in disaster like I did forty years ago, and I really don’t want that to happen!

It would be nice if it was my friend, because she’s a known entity, and I wouldn’t have to get used to someone new. I’ve already begun to get used to her, plus she’s someone I’ve known for many years, and we enjoy each other’s company. The same things make us laugh, and the same things make us sad. She knows my background ~ in fact, she was part of the prayer team that prayed for me to be integrated out of multiplicity back in 2003.

So it’s something to think about at least. We’ve been talking about it, and I was surprised that she didn’t pooh-pooh the idea out of hand. I thought sure she’d reject it without even considering it, but she didn’t. We agreed that it’s an option to be evaluated along with all the other possibilities that are available. And we also acknowledged that, first and foremost, we have to pray about it, because God has a plan for both of us, whether that plan includes us living together or not.

So that’s it. In the time since I started writing this over a month ago, all kinds of things have happened, and I’ve become more and more comfortable with the idea of having my friend live with me. She had her surgery on October 14th, and came to stay with me after she was discharged from the hospital, so I picked her up from the hospital and brought her home with me. God is so good, and I’ve learned all sorts of things about myself since she arrived, most important of which is that I’ve grown enough that I can consider living with a roommate if she’s the right person. I’ve been quite satisfied to live with Jesus as my roommate all these years, because He doesn’t do bad things to me.

There are friends who pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. ~ Proverbs 18:24, RSV.

A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. ~ Proverbs 18:24, NKJV.

It’s interesting that the same verse could be translated so differently, which is why I included both versions. The part that matters is the second half of the verse, because Jesus is the Friend who sticks closer than a brother, of course, and I’ve learned that I can trust that He would never do anything to hurt me. I’m so grateful for that! And maybe I’m strong enough now that I can deal with it if I get into a painful interaction with a roommate, because I can go to God with the pain, whereas I couldn’t do that before, because I didn’t know Him well enough to know that I could trust Him.

It’s so good to know that trusting God can translate into trusting people!

Nov3

Leaping Tall Cats With a Single Bound

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Sometimes I feel like my life is a full-time, 24/7/365 cat psychology lab, and the only thing missing is the closed-circuit TV cameras.

I had to take the cats to the vet for their six-month wellness check earlier in the week. I was able to drop them off and let the vet do his thing with them, which was easier for me, but apparently not so much for Solomon and Gracie. They called to let me know that they were ready to come home, and they told me that Gracie was cooperative, but Solomon wouldn’t let them near him. I guess I can understand. I don’t like it when doctors try and examine me either, though I don’t try and bite them like he did.

I have to take him back in a week so they can try again, only this time I’m going to stay with him. Plus they gave me an anti-anxiety medication to give him the night before, as well as 90 minutes before I bring him in. The vet tech told me it would probably make him a little drunk, which should be interesting, but it should also help to calm him down so they can treat him.

The last time I took them in for a wellness check I stayed with them, and there were no problems. So this time I think he probably got weirded out because he didn’t know any of the people who were trying to examine him, and I think if I’d been there to act as an intermediary they would have fared better with him.

Once I got them home he was fine. He acted like nothing had happened, he hadn’t just tried to bite the vet and the techs who were trying to treat him. For shame, Solomon! If you only knew, you didn’t get out of anything. Your time is coming. . .

My cats really are a lot of fun. They keep me constantly entertained. You’d never know that they’re brother-and-sister litter mates, because they’re a study in opposites. Solomon is an extrovert, while Gracie is an introvert. Solomon is Mr. Personality, where Gracie is shy and retiring. Solomon is a big, clumsy oaf, and Gracie is feminine and dainty. Solomon lets it all hang out with his tail flung out behind him like a flag, while Gracie has hers curled around her feet when she’s sitting, and close to her body when she’s moving around. Solomon is really good at that look of wide-eyed innocence, where Gracie always looks mysterious, which is why I call her Gracie the Inscrutable. Solomon talks all the time, but Gracie rarely, if ever, says a word.

There are times when they’re playing with each other that one of them, usually Solomon, will run towards Gracie, and to escape, Gracie will leap about six feet into the air, bounding over Solomon, and make it into the next room. It’s hilarious to watch, and invariably they make me giggle whenever they play.

You may be wondering why I’m focusing on my cats like this. I pondered the same thing myself, and I realized that I learn things about God by studying my cats. I understand more about the way I relate to God ~ and the way He relates to me ~ by watching them relate to each other, and to me, and I’m always interested in learning and understanding more about God. Anything that will further my understanding of God is of definite interest to me, and if studying my cats will help me gain an understanding of God, well then so be it!

1My child, listen to what I say, and treasure my commands. 2Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. 3Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. 4Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. 5Then you will understand what it means to fear the LORD, and you will gain knowledge of God. ~ Proverbs 2:1-5, NLT.

The godly care for their animals, but the wicked are always cruel. ~ Proverbs 12:10, NLT.

Oct24

A Paucity of Words, All Evidence to the Contrary Notwithstanding

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Everytime I turn around I find that I encounter some aspect of God in my day-to-day life. When it happens I’m not expecting it, I’m always surprised by it, but it always gives me occasion to praise Him for whatever the incident is. An example might be that one of my cats does something that makes me laugh, or that I see something beautiful as I’m driving someplace on the freeway. There’s so much beauty around me, and so much for me to be grateful for, that sometimes I’m at a loss for ways to express myself, and I just can’t come up with enough words to articulate my thankfulness and gratitude for all God has done for me.

I came from a pretty terrible background. In fact, if it weren’t for God’s intervention, I’d be dead. I know I wanted to kill myself for many years because I was in so much emotional agony that I just couldn’t stand being in that much pain any longer. But thankfully, God was protecting me even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. In fact, He’d been protecting me my whole life and I didn’t know it. He shielded me from the worst of my parents’ abuse by keeping me alive when my mother tried to kill me, and inspite of my father’s threats to do me in, plus He rescued me from my own attempts to harm myself.

I’m so incredibly grateful that none of my suicide attempts succeeded! At the time I was mad, to be sure, but now I recognize God’s hand in keeping me alive. Even though I couldn’t see it then, I can see now that He had a much better plan in mind than anything I could have thought of.

As I live my life now I have a whole different perspective on how I should look at things. If something bad happens to me now, I just remind myself that whatever it is doesn’t hold a candle to the stuff that happened to me when I was little. Seeing things that way really helps me to frame my life now in a way that helps me to stay positive.

So now when I encounter suffering, even if it’s serious pain and distress, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it otherwise would. The reason is because I can compare it to what I went through back then and know that that life is behind me, and I’ll never have to go through that again.

Interestingly, I am going through something right now that is very new and different for me. The kind of suffering that I’ve experienced throughout my life has been in large part emotional and psychological in nature. I’ve encountered very little in the way of physical discomfort and distress other than a hangnail or a scrape or bump here and there. But just in the last month or so, all of a sudden, my joints have literally exploded with pain. That may sound like an over-dramatization, but it’s not. I saw my doctor last Thursday, and she’s concerned enough that I had to have blood tests done today, because she thinks there’s some kind of disease process going on that’s causing the pain.

The discomfort is focused in my knees, and especially my left one, and in my hips, and in my left shoulder. It’s difficult for me to walk, and it’s especially hard for me to stand up. Plus my equilibrium is off. When I stand up it feels like I have vertigo, and I have to stand still before I can start walking, otherwise it feels like I’ll fall over.

All of that is to say, however, that regardless of how bad I feel physically, no matter how much pain I’m in, it really is meaningless to me in light of the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ.

8Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ 9and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! ~ Philippians 3:8-11, NLT.

I don’t know that the kind of pain I’m in is what Paul is talking about. I have a feeling he’s probably referring to persecution and stuff like that, but my aching joints are making it difficult to get around and live my life. If I had my druthers I’d stay in bed and have a pity party.

But that would be SOOO BORING so I’m not going to do that. And besides, laying in bed is almost as uncomfortable as moving around is, and I’ve never been any good at parties, pity or otherwise. So I’m left with only one option: get up, albeit slowly, and move around and live. I plan on making art (I have some new art supplies to play with), and writing (I have this blog to write for), and play with my cats because they are as goofy as ever. And mostly, I plan on worshiping God and growing ever closer to Jesus, and going to church, because my doctor made it so I was able to get a handicapped placard. Also, I have a good friend staying with me, and she’s been a real blessing to me. She’s doing the cooking, which is good, because I don’t cook. I nuke. So because she’s cooking while she’s here, I’m eating better than I’ve eaten in many years.

Well, I guess that’s it. I’ve managed to write two posts in two days, with God’s help. Pretty good, I’d say.

I will worship toward Your holy temple, and praise Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth; for You have magnified Your word above all Your name. ~ Psalm 138:2, NKJV.

7The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; 8the statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; 9the fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. . . 14Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer. ~ Psalm 19:7-9, 14, NKJV.

I love those verses, so I’ll end with them.