Aug16

Putting Words to Paper

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Putting Words to Paper

I’ve had a very difficult time writing of late. The last time I published a post was June 10th, over two months ago. It was a good one too. I really liked it. It’s called, Take a Breath. Take a Deeep Breath. And it’s about controlling your tongue even when you’re angry.

It’s frustrating. I’ll get an idea for something to write about, and sometimes I’ll even have a catchy title, so I’ll sit down and start a new post. I’ll get some sentences written, and manage to stretch it into a few paragraphs, but then I’ll get stuck, and I won’t be able to go any further. That’s happened two or three times.

So I finally decided I had to just sit down and write. If nothing else I can write about not being able to write. I have to do something to break the logjam that’s blocking me.

So here I am, blathering on about nothing and everything. At least I’m doing something.

Though I think I know what I want to write about next, that is, in my next post, so I have to publish this so I can start that, which means I think I’m done with this post. But I’m not done with it because I haven’t included any Scripture…

My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. ~ Psalm 45:1, NKJV.

I will worship toward Your holy temple, and praise Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth; for You have magnified Your Word above all Your name. ~ Psalm 138:2, NKJV.

I love God’s Word and I want to give it the same honor that He does!

Jun10

Take a Breath. Take a Deeep Breath.

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Take a Breath. Take a Deeep Breath.

19So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:19-20, NKJV.

I’ve always had the feeling that God gave us two ears and one mouth because He wants us to spend twice as much time listening as we do talking, and I think that especially holds true when we’re in difficult situations where there’s anger involved. I know it feels like it would be especially hard when you’re feeling angry, and the more enraged you get the harder it would be to keep your mouth shut. But the Bible does say,

Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. ~ Ephesians 4:26-27, NKJV.

Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  Selah ~ Psalm 4:4, NKJV.

And the Amplified Bible makes it a little more clear, at least to me,

Tremble [with anger or fear], and do not sin; meditate in your heart upon your bed and be still [reflect on your sin and repent of your rebellion]. Selah. ~ Psalm 4:4, AMP.

He who is quickly angry will do what is foolish, but the man of good sense will have quiet. ~ Proverbs 14:17, The Bible in Basic English.

So it is possible to listen more than you talk, even when you’re angry. You just have to ask for God’s help, something I have to do frequently, because otherwise I would fly off the handle every time I turn around!

3We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. 4And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. 5In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. 6And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. 7People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, 8but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. ~ James 3:3-8, NLT.

I’ll end with the passage from James that I started with, which I love, by the way. Both passages are so instructive on how to control your tongue. They certainly show me the way, to be sure, and I’m very grateful to have them to guide me.

19So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:19-20, NKJV.

May8

Trusting God’s Sovereign Plan for Me

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Trusting God’s Sovereign Plan for Me

There’s something wrong with my left hip. It started hurting all of a sudden a week ago (Wednesday, April 9th). It’s a stabbing pain in my hip joint, and it comes and goes. My doctor doesn’t think it’s sciatica, and I have to have an x-ray and a consult with an orthopedic doctor, as soon as she can set it up. I can’t walk because it hurts too much, so I’m spending most of my time sitting up in bed or sitting in the living room, watching TV. It’s frustrating, because there are so many things I need to be doing, but I can’t do them, because I can’t move around.

Something I realized this morning, however. None of this is a surprise to God. He already knew it would happen, and He already had a plan for how it would work out. My job is to be patient and wait for His plan to develop. It’s the being patient part that’s hard. But if I keep on trusting that God knows what He’s doing, the wait should be relatively easy, all things considered, as long as I can keep myself occupied and distracted.

In the process of thinking through the problems with my joints in the past week or two, I’ve come to realize that the conclusions I’ve arrived at concerning my joints would also hold true with regard to the rest of my life, vis à vis my childhood.

The abuse I endured when I was little wasn’t a surprise to God either. He knew it would happen even before I was conceived. I used to be angry about that, because as far as I was concerned He should have put me in a different family where I wouldn’t be abused, though I realize now that I didn’t have the right to demand that of Him. Plus, if I’d been a part of any other family, I wouldn’t have been me. I would have been some other person, entirely different, with different intelligence, abilities, and skills, and I might not have wanted to know God at all, something that fills me with horror. In addition, some other child would have been the object of Harry’s rage and brutality, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I can’t imagine having no desire for God! That bothers me tremendously! I don’t remember a time when I didn’t want to have God in my life. I’m not sure why that is, though I have a feeling it’s because, even though I didn’t know it at the time, God was always there, protecting me from the worst of Harry’s abuse and atrocities. I didn’t actually get saved until February 6, 1972, when I was eighteen, but the Bible says children always have angels standing before God.

Be sure you do not hate one of these little children. I tell you, they have angels who are always looking into the face of My Father in heaven. ~ Matthew 18:10, New Life Version.

If God hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have made it past childhood. Either one of my mother’s attempts to kill me would have succeeded, or Harry would have made good on one of his threats, or one of my own suicide attempts would have worked.

The conclusion I’ve come to is that God did what He could during my childhood, because He couldn’t go against Harry’s free will, much as He would have liked to. God can’t violate anyone’s free will, because if He did we’d all be puppets, and He wanted people who would love and worship Him of our own free will.

When I say that God did what He could for me, I can hear people say, “But God can do anything! That’s true, but there are certain things He can’t do. He cannot lie, He can’t violate someone’s free will, He cannot change, and especially, He can’t change His mind. He also can’t learn anything, because He’s omniscient. In other words, He knows everything, mostly because He created everything. In addition, He can’t break His promises.

God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

I love this verse. It’s one of my all-time favorites, and while I do have others, this one is right at the top. It checks off almost all the things I mentioned that God can’t do. I love knowing that God will never lie, and will always keep His promises to me. Given that my parents consistently lied and broke every promise they ever made to me, I find it incredibly comforting that I can trust God to do the exact opposite. Another favorite is from the Book of James,

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. ~ James 1:17, KJV.

My therapy has been going really well. I love my therapist. He’s the best one I’ve ever had, and I’ve seen a lot of therapists, some forty at last count. He’s a Christian, and he gets my love of Scripture, so we always have things to talk about, even when we aren’t dealing with my emotional problems. Plus we have a similar sense of humor, and we both love movies. I first saw him about forty years ago, and then I didn’t see him at all for many, many years. But I found him again, much to my delight, and I praise God for bringing him back into my life. He really is a joy to work with!

Update on May 6th: I saw the orthopedic doctor (actually it was his physician’s assistant). She said I have bursitis, and she gave me an injection of cortisone in my hip. It seems to be working, though the pain comes and goes. At least I have a diagnosis, and for that I’m very thankful.

As you can see, it’s taken me a very long time to write this post, but I had a lot to think about, and a lot to put together so it all made sense, which is why it’s taken me so long to get this published.

Apr7

Trusting God’s Sovereignty Instead of My Fear

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Trusting God’s Sovereignty Instead of My Fear

I’ve always been terrified of the idea of marriage, mostly because I was afraid I’d have to have sex. But I’ve come to realize that maybe it’s better to follow God and let His sovereignty reign in my life than it is to let myself be ruled by fear.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

I came to this realization after reading a book called Danger In the Shadows by Christian fiction author Dee Henderson. It’s about a woman, whose name is Sara, who was kidnapped with her twin sister as a child, and now as an adult, the kidnapper, who was never caught, is still stalking her, so she lives in constant fear that he’ll find her and kill her.

Her sister died before they were found during the kidnapping, so now, as an adult, she’s made the decision that she can never marry or have children, because she doesn’t want to expose her children to the kind of danger and pain she was forced to experience when she was a child.

She’s a Christian, and she’s trusted Christ her whole life (Henderson quotes Scripture throughout the story), but she can’t quite bring herself to trust God enough to allow herself to marry and have children because she can’t predict what God will permit in her life. He might allow the same thing to happen to one of her children that happened to her, and she’s positive she couldn’t handle that.

As I was reading the story, I became conscious of the fact that I was doing the same thing as Sara was (interesting that her name was the same as mine, but spelled different ~ my name is spelled with an “h” and hers is isn’t). All these years, I’ve lived a sexless life because I’ve been terrified I’d have to have sex if I ever met someone and got married. I’ve never allowed myself to contemplate even liking a guy, much less going out on a date with one.

On the other hand, there’s a big part of me that’s positive there’s no man on earth who would want to go out with me ~ but that’s beside the point. I wasn’t going to give anyone the chance to reject or like me. I’ve always been too afraid to try either way. There was one time many years ago that I tried going on a date with a guy ~ one date, and he turned out to be a slimeball and a jerk. I told him very specifically that I didn’t want him to touch me, but he decided no meant yes, and tried to kiss me.

Needless to say, that didn’t go over well!

And as far as I was concerned, he had proven my point that all men were like he was: jerks and slimeballs who were insufferable and reprehensible, and should be avoided at all costs.

That was back then.

Fortunately, I’ve grown since then, and I’ve come to realize he was human, and a sinner just like me, who needed salvation. I’ve learned to see him through the eyes of Jesus, and I’ve been able to forgive him. But until now, I still haven’t been able to allow any guys to get close enough to me to consider going out with any of them, much less take it any further than that.

So what to do now? What are my next steps? I really do want to change this! I saw McT today (Tuesday, April 1st), and he suggested we spend some time working on some inner healing next time, and that sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe if I can allow Jesus to come into some of the scenes that are so upsetting to me something will change.

So now, this is Sunday, five days since I saw McT, and you won’t believe how incredibly busy and chaotic my life has been since then. First, my car was stolen on Friday. My roommate and I were planning on taking her dog Minnie to the vet on Friday afternoon, so I went downstairs to get my car out of my garage, only to find the garage door open, and my car gone.

The minute I saw the garage door was open, I knew something was wrong, even before finding out that the car was gone, because I never leave the door open. So just the fact that the door was open was enough to tell me that something was amiss, and then when I looked inside and saw that the car was gone ~ well, then I started to pray, because I knew someone had stolen my car.

The first thing I prayed was that God would bring my car back to me, and then I asked God to forgive the person who stole it. And then I went back inside my apartment, because obviously we weren’t going to be taking Minnie to the vet, because my car was gone and we had no transportation. Then I called 9-1-1 and reported the car stolen, and they said they’d send an officer over to take a report. After that I called my insurance company to file a claim.

A sheriff’s deputy from the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department arrived at 5:17 p.m. to take a report on my stolen car.

Almost four hours later, at 8:40 p.m., I got a call from the Pomona police department saying they had found my car, and they said it was still drivable.

It was gone less than four hours, and it was still drivable!!! How cool is that?!

God is SOOO GOOD!!! He is so good to me!!!

I was able to pick it up Saturday morning from an impound lot in Pomona, though I did have to pay about $500 to get them to release it. And here’s the funny part: the person who took it washed it and cleaned out the inside, so I got it back in better condition than it was before they took it.

Another interesting point is that the thief left a couple of backpacks and duffel bags full of clothes in the car, as well as two pairs of Air Jordans, some drug paraphernalia, and several pairs of needle nose pliers.

And the coolest thing of all is that I was able, with God’s help, to maintain my peace throughout the whole ordeal.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3, NKJV.

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m some kind of super spiritual person because the first thing I did was pray after I figured out my car was gone, because I’m not. I mess up ALL the TIME. It’s just that prayer has become a habit for me whenever something goes wrong. I do it almost without thinking, and it’s gotten to the point that it’s not just a last resort.

16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV.

So what the devil intended for evil God used for good, and I am so grateful!!

I don’t know how I managed to end up talking about my car, when I started out talking about inner healing during my therapy. But maybe it does connect, because it’s all about God’s sovereignty, and how it works in my life.

YIPPEE!!

Mar6

Wearing Pearls vs. Seeking the Pearl of Great Price

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Wearing Pearls vs. Seeking the Pearl of Great Price

This month is my birthday month. I’ll be 72 years old on March 20th.

I was created to glorify God. I used to think I was created so I could be Harry’s punching bag, but once I understood where God was while I was being abused, I knew that couldn’t be true. And then I found a couple of Scripture verses that specifically said that child abuse wasn’t ordered by God, and not only that, but it never even entered His mind that such atrocities should happen.

They have also built places of worship in a place called Topheth in the Valley of Ben Hinnom so that they can sacrifice their sons and daughters by fire. That is something I never commanded them to do! Indeed, it never even entered my mind to command such a thing! ~ Jeremiah 7:31, NET.

They have built pagan shrines to Baal in the valley of Ben-Hinnom, and there they sacrifice their sons and daughters to Molech. I have never commanded such a horrible deed; it never even crossed my mind to command such a thing. What an incredible evil, causing Judah to sin so greatly! ~ Jeremiah 32:35, NLT.

I take great comfort in those verses, because everytime he abused me, Harry told me he had to do it because God hated me. I know now that he was lying, but he told me that so many times throughout my childhood, that it became a litany that was drilled into me until it became a part of my internal wiring.

Now I know that the exact opposite is true. Now I know that God loves me so much that Jesus was willing to die on the Cross for me. He loves Harry that much as well, so I’ve forgiven him. The Bible says that God won’t forgive me if I don’t forgive those who have hurt me.

14For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins. ~ Matthew 6:14-15, NET.

Harry died in January of 2020, so I can only hope he got saved before he died, because I really don’t want him to spend eternity in Hell.

For this birthday I’m working to resurrect the feminine side of my personality with God’s help. I’ve kept that part of myself suppressed for my whole adult life, because it just didn’t feel safe to be female. For many, many years I had to be an “It,” someone who had no sex, who was neither male nor female, because in my mind, being female was what had brought about all the abuse and the rapes.

I don’t wear jewelry or makeup, and I haven’t worn a skirt or a dress in many, many years. I don’t have a clue about how to be feminine, and the idea of trying terrifies me, but I’m almost certain that this is something God wants me to do, so if I don’t do it I’ll run the risk of being disobedient, and I definitely don’t want that!

I have to believe that God knows what’s best for me, and that He knows when it’s time for me to take this step. I know it’s a step towards wholeness, which is always my ultimate goal, so I have to trust that God will protect me and keep me safe, just as He’s done my whole entire life. With that in mind, I’m planning on buying myself some new clothes, and some jewelry.

The jewelry is the scary part, because I haven’t a clue about how to wear it, and I’m afraid that no matter what I do I’ll look silly in it, but I can feel God’s pleasure, just in the fact that I’m purchasing it, that I’m moving to reclaim this aspect of who I am. And more than anything I want to please God, so I’m going to buy it for that reason if for no other.

In addition, I found my mother’s old jewelry box buried under a pile of clothes in my closet. She had a lot of old costume and junk jewelry, which I don’t like, but she also had some really beautiful necklaces which I like a lot. She used to wear them all the time. They’re mostly necklaces with garnets, amethysts, and fresh water pearls, with one made of lapis lazuli. There are also a few with cloisonné in them, and they’re all quite lovely. She loved wearing them. Garnet was her birthstone, which explains why so many of them are made of garnet. I also found her engagement ring, which I’m wearing as an experiment, though I may have to have it resized, because it keeps sliding around on my finger, regardless of which one I put it on.

I feel like God has given me a tremendous gift, because I inherited my mother’s jewelry. I didn’t have to buy it, and it’s quite beautiful. Now I just have to start experimenting with it, seeing what it feels like to wear it. Even at that I’m still planning on buying a couple of necklaces and bracelets, mostly because I want to have the experience of spending money on myself for things that I never would have bought for myself in the past.

I’m not going to make myself look glamorous or anything like that. That kind of thing looks ostentatious to me, and is a total turn off. But I am going to try wearing a necklace or a bracelet here and there, just to see how it feels, and I’m going to aim for what’s described in 1 Peter 3:

3Let your beauty not be external – the braiding of hair and wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes – 4but the inner person of the heart, the lasting beauty of a gentle and tranquil spirit, which is precious in God’s sight. ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4, NET.

I realize that it may sound like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth, but I’m doing this with a lot of prayer, and trying my best to do what’s pleasing to God. In addition, I’ve discussed it with my therapist, and he agrees with me that it’s a good idea.

Well, I guess that’s it. I want more than anything to give glory to God, and to please Him. That’s my aim above all.

Feb25

Hmm… What Should I Write About?

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Hmm… What Should I Write About?

How’s that for a title? I wonder if King David ever sat down to write a psalm and pondered on what he should write about before he started. I can picture him sitting before a vintage typewriter with a blank piece of papyrus in it. Now, obviously, King David didn’t have a typewriter back when he was alive. He had a quill with papyrus, so I’m taking great poetic license here. Regardless of that, however, it’s fun to imagine King David with a little bit of writer’s block.

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

The above psalm was actually written by the sons of Korah rather than King David, but it’s my go-to Scripture as concerns all things writing, and I haven’t been able to find a better one. I’d love to find a verse where the psalmist talks about struggling to write, but I don’t know if one exists. There are 31,102 verses in the whole Bible, which translates to 23,145 verses in the Old Testament and 7,957 verses in the New Testament. There seems to be a verse for everyone and every circumstance, so maybe, just maybe, there’s a verse for people struggling with writer’s block. I just have to find it. O God, please help me find it if it exists!

Then, last night as I was sitting in my car reading in the book of Luke, God showed me something. My roommate had to take her dog to the vet, and then she had to go to Albertsons. So I went with her and sat in the car reading my Bible while she did her errands at the vet and the market.

I was reading in Luke Four, where Jesus was in the wilderness for forty days being tempted by the devil.

1Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan River and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, 2where for forty days he endured temptations from the devil. … 5Then the devil led him up to a high place and showed him in a flash all the kingdoms of the world. 6And he said to him, “To you I will grant this whole realm – and the glory that goes along with it, for it has been relinquished to me, and I can give it to anyone I wish. 7So then, if you will worship me, all this will be yours.” 8Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘You are to worship the Lord your God and serve only him.'” ~ Luke 4:1-2, 5-8 [Deuteronomy 6:13], NET.

What God showed me had to do specifically with Satan’s statement to Jesus that he would give Him all his authority if He would just fall down and worship him. And it occurred to me that there’s no way Satan would actually keep that promise. In the first place, Satan is a liar. Jesus said in John 8,

For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. ~ John 8:44, NLT.

Jesus was talking to the Pharisees in this verse, but He was talking about Satan. My point in quoting John 8:44 is to show that the devil is a liar. In fact, as Jesus said, “Satan is the father of lies.”

So when the devil told Jesus that he would give Him all his authority in Luke 4:6, I don’t believe he had any intention of keeping that promise. He couldn’t keep it because if he had, it would have reversed everything he’d managed to accomplish since Adam and Eve gave in to him in the Garden of Eden. It would have been catastrophic for him if he’d done that.

On the other hand, if Jesus had accepted Satan’s challenge and taken him up on his offer, then Satan wouldn’t have had to give up his authority, because Jesus would have started worshiping someone other than the Father, which would have broken the First Commandment.

You shall have no other gods before me. ~ Exodus 20:3, NET.

You must not have any other god but me. Deuteronomy 5:7, NLT.

I think the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit had a plan that They’d come up with before the beginning of time, before Adam and Eve were ever created, to save humanity, because They knew from the very beginning that we were going to blow it.

19but [you were actually purchased] with precious blood, like that of a [sacrificial] lamb unblemished and spotless, the priceless blood of Christ. 20For He was foreordained (foreknown) before the foundation of the world, but has appeared [publicly] in these last times for your sake ~ 1 Peter 1:19-20, AMP.

And the Amplified Bible included a footnote with the word foreordained from verse 20: “The Son of God always existed and it was always known that He would be the Redeemer of mankind.”

Additionally, Jesus knew in advance that He would go to the Cross and sacrifice His life for us, and He did it willingly.

17This is why the Father loves me – because I lay down my life, so that I may take it back again. 18No one takes it away from me, but I lay it down of my own free will. I have the authority to lay it down, and I have the authority to take it back again. This commandment I received from my Father.” ~ John 10:17-18, NET.

I like the way the New Living Translation transcribes it as well:

17“The Father loves me because I sacrifice my life so I may take it back again. 18No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.” ~ John 10:17-18, NLT.

I could be wrong about this. I’m wrong about a lot of things, but it makes sense scripturally. I kind of feel like I’m going out on a limb here, but I read it to McT, my therapist, and he likes it, so I think I’m going to go with it.

Well, I think that’s it. It’s taken me a really long time to write this post, but I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. It was thought provoking, as well as prayer provoking, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that! Plus I learned a bunch of stuff into the bargain, and I love being able to do that. I hope everyone enjoys reading it!

Jan28

The Us of Millions Becomes the Me of One, Thank God!

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The Us of Millions Becomes the Me of One, Thank God!

January 28, 2025, 2:15 p.m.
I’ve decided I’m going to try and write everyday, as much as possible. The question, and the problem, is, what do I write about? I’ve never been very good at extemporaneous spontaneity. My mind doesn’t work that fast. I watch TV shows like Who’s Line Is It Anyway? and, in between laughing helplessly at the goofy stuff they do, I wonder how they can come up with all that hilarity so quickly, without thinking about it ahead of time. They manage to pull it off seemingly without rehearsals or any kind of preplanning at all. I don’t know if that’s what actually happens, but that’s certainly the way it looks.

I’m going to include another one of my poems, called The Us of Millions. I wrote it in March of 1990, 13 years before I was integrated in March of 2003. When I wrote this poem, I didn’t think wholeness was possible. Thank God, I was wrong!

My life is composed of blanks and holes,
each one a fragment from a shattered whole.

Each thought a shard,
each event a splinter of death,
camouflaged ground-brown
with the mud of denial.

My life it was,
the priceless vase that contained my soul,
that was my Self,
smashed by maddened tyranny
while yet under potter’s hands.

I purge away the mud
with tears of remembering,
only to find that what was can no longer be,
my baby Self shattered
into splintered confusion.

There is no glue that piece to piece can bring
to peace,
and the I that was Me is forever
the Us of Millions.

S.A. Kuriakos & Elliot
©March 6, 1990

Well, that was fun! I’m learning all kinds of new things in the process of writing blog posts. I decided to include the above poem, and I figured out how to do it using this thing called a Verse Block in WordPress, but I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the Verse Block and back into the regular Paragraph Block. It turns out it’s as simple as clicking on a different button, and I was making a much bigger deal out of it than I needed to. Way cool! Blogging is getting simpler and easier all the time!

Yippee!!

It’s now 6:03 on the 28th, and I’ve managed to accomplish a great deal with God’s help in a little under four hours.

I’m very grateful and glad to know that what I thought was hopeless back when I wrote that poem, wasn’t hopeless at all, but only appeared to be impossible to fix. I forgot that with God ALL things are possible,

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.” ~ Mark 10:27, NKJV.

1Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: 2by whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that  tribulation worketh patience; 4and patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. ~ Romans 5:1-5, KJV.

I love this passage from the Book of Romans, because it sort of tells the story of my life in a nutshell, and I’m so grateful to God for all the marvelous work He’s done in me to bring me as far as He has. I give Him all the glory, because I certainly couldn’t have done any of it myself, and if He’s brought me this far, I know He’ll take me the rest of the way until my healing is complete,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6, NLT.

And with that I think I’m done with today’s writing!

Thank you Jesus!!

Jan24

Writer’s Block Is Not a Block of Writers…

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Writer’s Block Is Not a Block of Writers…

…though it might be nice if it were, because then I’d have people around to motivate me to write. I’ve had the hardest time even wanting to write, which is unusual for me, because I love writing. Committing my thoughts to (computer) paper is one of my favorite things to do, and when I can’t do it because I’ve lost the desire to write is frustrating and heartbreaking all rolled into one.

But I have to do something!! So maybe I’ll just sit down and write. Write what? I don’t know, but I have to do something to break the logjam! So I’ll write whatever comes into my head, or maybe I’ll use some of my poems. That’s what I’ll do, I’ll use some of my poems. The first one is called The Murder of a Soul.

Many eyes watching, but ignoring
the obvious pain, the visible wound.
Many ears hearing, but denying
the silent scream, the cry of agony.
Many people knowing, but spurning
the knowledge of the murder of a soul.

But…

Though eyes ignored, the stars saw.
Though ears denied, the rocks heard.
Though people spurned, God knew
and wept.

S.A. Kuriakos & Elliot
©July 14, 1990

I wrote this poem after I figured out that I started picking holes in my cuticles when I was about two years old because I was trying to get someone, anyone, to notice that I was in peril because of Harry’s threats and abuse.

O earth, do not conceal my blood. Let it cry out on my behalf. ~ Job 16:18, NLT.

I couldn’t use words because Harry had told me he would kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me, and he played Russian Roulette with one of his revolvers between my legs so I would understand that he meant what he said.

There was no way that I could know at two or three years old that the gun had blanks in it, so I believed him, and had to become a liar as a result. I forgive him for ruining my reputation! It took many years before anyone would believe that I wasn’t a liar, when I had no choice but to lie if I wanted to stay alive!

I forgive him for planting terror in my heart! I forgive him for being a monster!

And then there’s this little ditty, called simply Time.

Time.
A broad subject from beginning to end.
Irretrievable, irreplaceable commodity.
The only substance
present since just after God.
Visibly invisible,
invented by God
to forever
and indelibly
remind us of our mortality
and His immortality.

S.A. Kuriakos & Elliot
©June 21, 1990

And then there’s this lovely little poem written by one of my alters named Courtney, who was about three or four years old. She was very sweet and quite lovable. It’s called Things I Like. And because she was such a little girl her spelling and grammar weren’t very good at times.

I like ice cream.
My tongue becomes chocolate
for awhile.

I like butterflies.
They flit through the air
like rainbows dancing.

I like pussywillows.
Ther small furry kittys
on a stick.

I like crayons.
I can draw pictures
of inside my heart.

I like bears.
Ther fuzzy peple
safe to love.

I like hearts.
Maybe one will love me
someday?

S.A. Kuriakos & Courtney
©July 15, 1992

I wrote all these poems a long time ago, while I was still multiple. It would be another ten or more years before I would be integrated, and once I was integrated, sadly, I was no longer able to write poetry. For some reason that gift was lost once the alters who did that were integrated into the whole of who I am. I’ve always believed that writing poetry was a gift from God, and I’ve asked Him repeatedly to be able to do it again. I guess maybe I just need to be patient. On the other hand, the poetry was always used as an outlet for our pain, so maybe I need to be willing to give up that purpose to God, as well as be willing to accept another reason and motivation for its use.

And last but not least, there’s this one, called Remember Lot’s Wife, or Pillar of Salt.

Never look back,
your past will only haunt
and regret you.

Sweat drips
in salt-bloody heaps,
as I strain forward
while looking backward,
and run into trees on the way
because I can’t see the future
for looking at the past.

A pillar of salt is my destiny
unless I learn
to keep my heart looking forward.

S.A. Kuriakos
©January 23, 2025

Cool! I guess I’m not done writing poetry! I just finished that poem myself, without benefit of alters. Granted, I only edited the last couple of words, but it’s a start. It’s a start! Thank you Jesus!!

I started writing this post with the goal in mind of ending the long period of writer’s block, and just the fact that I was able to get as much down as I did with all the poems is very pleasing to me. But I like to end my posts with Scripture, so…

12Not that I have already attained this – that is, I have not already been perfected – but I strive to lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus also laid hold of me. 13Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead, 14with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 3:12-14, New English Translation.

Nov20

Draped In Cats

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Draped In Cats

It looks like this is going to be one of those rambling posts where I talk about whatever pops into my head, mostly because I can’t think of anything to write about. Some people would call that writer’s block. I prefer to call it… I don’t know what I would call it, but I don’t want to call it that. So I’ll just write about anything at all, and pray that God shows me what He wants me to say at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later. I don’t want to say nothing at all. If I’m to be a writer, then I should write.

It kind of feels like I’m babbling at the moment, but I’m trusting that God will lead my meanderings so that I’ll actually end up talking about something specific rather than nothing at all. And then I’m reminded of Psalm 45,

My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. ~ Psalm 45:1, NKJV.

I love that verse from Psalm 45! I love thinking that God is guiding my writing so that my words are like the “pen of a ready writer,” so that even my most paltry and trivial scribbles might be used to glorify God.

And I finally figured out what this post is supposed to be about, so I can stop meandering.

As I was laying in bed this morning, I noticed that Solomon and Gracie were draped all over me, as they often are when I awaken, and I decided to take a picture of them. And, to my surprise, it actually turned out well. I’ve tried taking photos of them festooned on me after I wake up, and the pics haven’t turned out, but this one did, and I’m very pleased. They generally arrange themselves on me after I go to sleep, and when I wake up the next morning I find myself bedecked with cats, and I just love it when that happens.

There’s something very comforting about having a cat sleeping on you, especially if it’s purring, and I’m blessed to have not one, but two cats doing it. God has favored me greatly!

When I was a child I had a cat named Dennis the Menace. He was an orange tabby cat with blue eyes, and he was wonderful. He definitely lived up to his name, but he was my friend. I think he was sent to me by God, because I didn’t have any friends back then. I was unaware that God was watching over me and protecting me from Harry, but Dennis was always right there beside me, and I could tell him anything.

He also had a nickname. Everywhere he went, his tail stuck straight up in the air, so we always called him Sail-tail. Even if we couldn’t see him, we could tell he was in the room, because we could see his tail floating around.

Regrettably, I never took a picture of him when we had him, because I didn’t have access to a camera, but the above photograph gives you a pretty good idea of what he looked like. He was beautiful, and most of all, he was my friend. I think he was an angel in disguise.

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. ~ Hebrews 13:2, ESV.

Dennis added a small amount of peace to my otherwise chaotic life. He provided a bit of respite when I felt desperate, and I don’t know if I could have survived without him. He was yet another thing for which I am immeasurably grateful to God, for without him I might not be here to tell my story.

And I’m so glad I survived so I can tell my story, because it’s God’s story more than it is mine. He gets all the glory, and that’s the way I want it to be.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! ~ Psalm 106: 1, ESV.

Nov7

The Biggest Question

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The Biggest Question

What should I write about? This is the kind of question a writer might ask if they’re suffering from writer’s block. I don’t think I’m having that problem here, because it’s only been a few days since I published my last post, but thus far anyway, I’m drawing a blank. I’m seeking God’s wisdom on what to write about, as I always do, but as it stands now, I’ve got nothing. I don’t expect it to remain that way, and it is 4 a.m. so I’m probably just tired, but I think I need to put my brain in before I can come up with a topic.

So maybe I should go to bed.

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalm 4:8, NKJV.

3He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. 4Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. ~ Psalm 121:3-4, NKJV.

I find Psalm 121 to be very comforting. It tells me that I can sleep well because God isn’t sleeping at all. He’s protecting me instead.

It is a waste of time to get up early and stay up late, trying to make a living. The Lord provides for those he loves, even while they are sleeping. ~ Psalm 127:2, Easy-to-Read Version.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19, NKJV.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ~ Philippians 4:11, NLT.

I’m preaching to myself with all these Scripture verses, and it’s now about 5:30 the next afternoon. Trump won the election, so I’m feeling like maybe there’s hope for my beloved country (I started writing this about 4 a.m. on November 6, 2024).

And for anyone who might disagree with me on this, I didn’t vote for Trump the person. I voted for platforms and policies. I voted for the people who will kill the fewest number of preborn babies. I voted for the people who will most support and protect the nation of Israel.

I voted for the people who will most support and protect traditional marriage (i.e. between a man and a woman). I voted for the people who will most support and protect the traditional family. I voted for the people who will most support and protect our children from LGBTQ+, and transgender ideologies, and who will most support and protect the original intent of Title IX.

I voted for the people who will most protect and defend our borders from illegal aliens, and who will most support and protect the Constitution and Bill of Rights of this nation as they were originally drafted by our Founding Fathers.

I don’t have a problem with welcoming immigrants to come here, as long as they do it legally, and as long as they aren’t coming here with the intention of committing crimes against American citizens. If you want to commit crimes while you’re here, then don’t come. Go someplace else to do your dirty work. That might not sound very Christian of me, but God expects us to obey the laws of the land, and if you don’t do that, then you can expect to pay the consequences, no matter where you’re from. If you end up in prison, I might come and visit you so I can tell you about how much Jesus loves you, and died to save you from your sins.

1Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. 2So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. ~ Romans 13:1-2, NLT.

This post kind of ended up going in a different direction than I had intended, but I’ve always used this blog for my own personal issues concerning my healing. And now that I’m doing so much better, I’m kind of sensing that the Lord wants me to use it to speak up for righteousness as well. It will take some courage on my part, because I’ve never been one to make waves. I’ve always preferred to be a little mouse in the corner because it was safer. When I was a kid, I couldn’t speak up, because if I did, Harry would get me in some pretty terrible ways. It just wasn’t safe when he was around. I had to protect myself in order to stay alive, and even though I didn’t know it at the time, God was protecting me too, something for which I will always be grateful.

But, thank God, Harry is dead, as I wrote about back on January 17, 2020, so while I’m sad that he’s gone (because that means there’s no hope now for him to get saved), I no longer have to be afraid. I’m safe now. I can speak up without fear of what man will do to me.

So from now on, from time to time, I may write about things that aren’t related to me and my healing specifically, but that are meaningful to me in other ways ~ ways that are about promoting righteousness, and promoting a biblical worldview. I do have opinions about things in our culture, but I’ve never expressed them before, because I was always afraid of what other people might think of me. I’m no longer afraid, however. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me except my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He’s the only One whose opinion matters to me, because He’s the only One Who can get me into Heaven where He is. And I want to be where He is! I want to see His lovely face! I want to look Him in the eyes, and tell Him how much I love Him, and how grateful I am for everything He’s done for me!

I want to end with a quote from a poem by 19th century missionary, Charles Thomas Studd:

“Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.”
~ Charles Thomas Studd

That’s what’s important to me now. It’s always been important to me, but more and more, I’m realizing just how important and necessary it is to make sure that whatever I do is done for the glory of God.