This month is my birthday month. I’ll be 72 years old on March 20th.

I was created to glorify God. I used to think I was created so I could be Harry’s punching bag, but once I understood where God was while I was being abused, I knew that couldn’t be true. And then I found a couple of Scripture verses that specifically said that child abuse wasn’t ordered by God, and not only that, but it never even entered His mind that such atrocities should happen.

They have also built places of worship in a place called Topheth in the Valley of Ben Hinnom so that they can sacrifice their sons and daughters by fire. That is something I never commanded them to do! Indeed, it never even entered my mind to command such a thing! ~ Jeremiah 7:31, NET.

They have built pagan shrines to Baal in the valley of Ben-Hinnom, and there they sacrifice their sons and daughters to Molech. I have never commanded such a horrible deed; it never even crossed my mind to command such a thing. What an incredible evil, causing Judah to sin so greatly! ~ Jeremiah 32:35, NLT.

I take great comfort in those verses, because everytime he abused me, Harry told me he had to do it because God hated me. I know now that he was lying, but he told me that so many times throughout my childhood, that it became a litany that was drilled into me until it became a part of my internal wiring.

Now I know that the exact opposite is true. Now I know that God loves me so much that Jesus was willing to die on the Cross for me. He loves Harry that much as well, so I’ve forgiven him. The Bible says that God won’t forgive me if I don’t forgive those who have hurt me.

¹⁴For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins. ~ Matthew 6:14-15, NET.

Harry died in January of 2020, so I can only hope he got saved before he died, because I really don’t want him to spend eternity in Hell.

For this birthday I’m working to resurrect the feminine side of my personality with God’s help. I’ve kept that part of myself suppressed for my whole adult life, because it just didn’t feel safe to be female. For many, many years I had to be an “It,” someone who had no sex, who was neither male nor female, because in my mind, being female was what had brought about all the abuse and the rapes.

I don’t wear jewelry or makeup, and I haven’t worn a skirt or a dress in many, many years. I don’t have a clue about how to be feminine, and the idea of trying terrifies me, but I’m almost certain that this is something God wants me to do, so if I don’t do it I’ll run the risk of being disobedient, and I definitely don’t want that!

I have to believe that God knows what’s best for me, and that He knows when it’s time for me to take this step. I know it’s a step towards wholeness, which is always my ultimate goal, so I have to trust that God will protect me and keep me safe, just as He’s done my whole entire life. With that in mind, I’m planning on buying myself some new clothes, and some jewelry.

The jewelry is the scary part, because I haven’t a clue about how to wear it, and I’m afraid that no matter what I do I’ll look silly in it, but I can feel God’s pleasure, just in the fact that I’m purchasing it, that I’m moving to reclaim this aspect of who I am. And more than anything I want to please God, so I’m going to buy it for that reason if for no other.

In addition, I found my mother’s old jewelry box buried under a pile of clothes in my closet. She had a lot of old costume and junk jewelry, which I don’t like, but she also had some really beautiful necklaces which I like a lot. She used to wear them all the time. They’re mostly necklaces with garnets, amethysts, and fresh water pearls, with one made of lapis lazuli. There are also a few with cloisonné in them, and they’re all quite lovely. She loved wearing them. Garnet was her birthstone, which explains why so many of them are made of garnet. I also found her engagement ring, which I’m wearing as an experiment, though I may have to have it resized, because it keeps sliding around on my finger, regardless of which one I put it on.

I feel like God has given me a tremendous gift, because I inherited my mother’s jewelry. I didn’t have to buy it, and it’s quite beautiful. Now I just have to start experimenting with it, seeing what it feels like to wear it. Even at that I’m still planning on buying a couple of necklaces and bracelets, mostly because I want to have the experience of spending money on myself for things that I never would have bought for myself in the past.

I’m not going to make myself look glamorous or anything like that. That kind of thing looks ostentatious to me, and is a total turn off. But I am going to try wearing a necklace or a bracelet here and there, just to see how it feels, and I’m going to aim for what’s described in 1 Peter 3:

³Let your beauty not be external – the braiding of hair and wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes – ⁴but the inner person of the heart, the lasting beauty of a gentle and tranquil spirit, which is precious in God’s sight. ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4, NET.

I realize that it may sound like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth, but I’m doing this with a lot of prayer, and trying my best to do what’s pleasing to God. In addition, I’ve discussed it with my therapist, and he agrees with me that it’s a good idea.

Well, I guess that’s it. I want more than anything to give glory to God, and to please Him. That’s my aim above all.