In Which I Begin to Deal With the Hard Stuff


I’ve begun to realize that I only talk about surface stuff when I go to therapy, which feels like a waste of resources (McT’s time and my money). I’ve been seeing someone for therapy off and on, mostly on, for about forty years. Some of the therapists were fairly decent, some of them were not so good. Some of them were perfectly AWFUL, and maybe two or three of them were spectacularly good. All of them were Christians, except for the first one I ever saw, because I didn’t have a hand in choosing him, plus I wasn’t a Christian yet, so having a Christian therapist wasn’t important to me.

The reason I avoid talking about what I call the hard stuff is because it’s painful, and therefore difficult to talk about.

When I was little and multiple, and being abused in the cult, they would program us by repeating the medical words of sexual body parts over and over again to make certain alters come out and take off their clothes and lay down and wait to be raped. 

So now, even though I’m no longer multiple, whenever I hear any of those words, I feel an incredible amount of anxiety inside, and I can’t say them myself, nor can I write them. If I try to write them I have to scribble them out so you can’t see what was written there. If I were to let the word stay visible the anxiety would be so great that it feels like I’d be annihilated by it. It feels like I’d blow up.

Some of the words are worse than others, and some are just plain impossible.

So the upshot of it is that I need to work on those issues. I’ve tried to work on them before, but it never goes very far. After talking about it for a few sessions I usually end up backing off my resolve and going back to talking about the easy stuff again. But I don’t want to be in bondage forever, so I can’t do that anymore.

Part of me is afraid to talk about it simply because I don’t know what it would be like to be free of the problem. Kind of silly, I know, but there it is.

And part of dealing with the hard stuff is taking showers. I took one this morning.

Wonders may never cease.

It’s probably been about six months since my last shower, I’m ashamed to say, but try as I might, I just couldn’t make myself do it before now.

Taking showers has been a problem of long standing for me. The very first abuse memory I ever had was of Harry forcing me to have oral sex with him in the shower when I was about two years old. I got so confused and frightened that I lost control of my bowels and pooped on the shower floor. Of course, that enraged him, so he picked it up and threw it at me, and then he forced me to eat it. Then he dragged me into the bedroom and raped me.

So, needless to say, showers are a huge problem for me, and baths are even worse, but God is good, and I’m hoping and praying that He will intervene and help me with this problem just as He’s done with all my other issues.

And that, as they say, is that.

About sarahjesusnlily

My name is Sarah Abigail Kuriakos. I come from a background of extreme child abuse, and it almost destroyed my life. My mother tried to kill me while I was an infant, my father threatened to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me, and I tried suicide nine times as an adult. Fortunately, God had other plans, and none of the attempts on my life succeeded. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle the progress I'm making as God heals me from my childhood, while making sure that God is glorified in the process. I'm a voracious reader, and I enjoy crocheting, doing counted cross stitch, and creating art. I also enjoy playing with my cat Lily, listening to Christian music, and watching movies. My favorite books are, first and foremost, The Holy Bible, then Jane Eyre, David Copperfield, The Count of Monte Cristo, and To Kill a Mockingbird. I also love Christian apologetics. The most important thing in my life is knowing and serving Jesus Christ, and telling people about His great love for them. People need to know that God loves them!

5 responses »

  1. It takes courage to share this. I pray that with God’s help and guidance, you will overcome this hurdle and be able to simply enjoy the freedom of a good bath or shower.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Helen! I agree with your wonderful prayer completely! It’s always been my aim to be able to take a shower whenever I want or need to. However, up until now it’s escaped me. Hopefully I’ll be able to do it more often now that I’ve broken this first barrier.

      With God’s help and your prayers may it be so!


  2. Girls, we pray in His powerful name that this becomes a great victory. Love to you both. Sarah you have survived and now you will succeed.


  3. This is really in reply to I want to be a Hermit, but let see how it posts 😌
    Hi Sarah,
    You know this thought of yours reminds me of Mathew 4 and Jesus temptation in the desert. I know what you are saying here and I agree with you. :-). But you know me and my wandering mind…. (Oh no she thinks 😉 )
    Outside of your wanting the hermit life as a way of hiding, there is also this idea that God brings us to the desert to face this wasteland of sin and despair and yes obedience; things we would rather leave behind. I like the word wasteland, because that is our lives before Christ.
    Just as Jesus was tested in the desert, we can find out who God is to us in this desert . It is part of our wanting and needing to find what is real and true. When the heavy darkness tries overwhelm us. that is exactly where we are, alone in the desert. But we are found and God becomes our new beginning. Our hand to hold, the Holy Spirit our protector from behind and Jesus leading our own personal exodus into a new life.
    This is between God and the seeker and it can seem lonely. So subconsciously, can we maybe say, wanting this hermit life is understanding this is not the end or the way to our comfort, but the process of becoming closer to Jesus Christ. HE has found us! Found in the wasteland of our lives, alone and ready to survive, with Him. He has His scars and we have scars and both began in the desert. Alone. But together we exit. -Or we have our own personal Exodus lead by God Himself.-


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