The Monster Is Dead


I just got a phone call from my cousin. It seems that Harry, my biological father, died yesterday. He was 93 years old. I haven’t seen or heard from him in about forty years. Basically he wanted nothing to do with me, and had made me persona non grata to him. It felt like I had ceased to exist for him.

As far as I’m concerned it was his loss.

This news is a bit of a shock to me, and I find myself a bit unsure of what to do with it right off. I’m fairly certain that he wasn’t saved, though I prayed for him on multiple occasions, that God would send laborers across his path to minister the Word to him. I believe God answered those prayers, but as long as I knew anything about him, he was an atheist. I can only hope that any seeds that were planted bore fruit before he breathed his last. I have to trust that God did exactly that, because He’s the One who makes His Word bear fruit,

The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with My word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. ~ Isaiah 55:10-11, NLT.

As I said, I don’t know what to do with this information just yet. While he was alive, I had the hope that I’d be able to reconcile with him, that I’d be able to tell him that I’d forgiven him for everything that he did to me. (For those of you who don’t know what that means, my post, Am I Afraid of Anger, or Do I Get Angry at the Fear?, will explain it to you.)

I find myself feeling kind of fragmented and jumbled up as I think about this. For one thing, I find myself feeling more grief at Harry’s death than I ever felt when my mom died. It’s not that I loved Harry more than I did Mom, not at all. If anything I loved him less because he made himself so incredibly unloveable. I always felt a great deal of ambivalence about both my parents, and about my stepdad as well. Even when all three of them were alive I felt like an orphan most of the time, and now that they’re all gone, at least biologically, I am one. Spiritually I’m not, because God said He would be a Father to the fatherless, and I can always feel His presence with me,

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. ~ Psalm 68:5, NIV.

I’m wondering if the reason I feel more sadness with Harry’s death than I did when Mom died is because I was able to resolve things with Mom much more than I was with Harry. Plus Mom always wanted me around, and Harry didn’t, so I spent many, many years desiring a relationship with him ~ a desire that I was never able to bring to fruition. Plus I’m fairly certain that my mother is in Heaven, where I don’t have that certainty at all with Harry.

Now that he’s gone, my prayer is that God will grant him mercy in His dealings with him at Judgment Day. If he must end up in Hell, then let him go to a level that’s not as bad as it might be, if such a thing is possible. But maybe, just maybe, he’ll end up in Heaven ~ just maybe!!

I can only hope, and I trust in God’s goodness and mercy.

About sarahjesusnlily

My name is Sarah Abigail Kuriakos. I come from a background of extreme child abuse, and it almost destroyed my life. My mother tried to kill me while I was an infant, my father threatened to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me, and I tried suicide nine times as an adult. Fortunately, God had other plans, and none of the attempts on my life succeeded. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle the progress I'm making as God heals me from my childhood, while making sure that God is glorified in the process. I'm a voracious reader, and I enjoy crocheting, doing counted cross stitch, and creating art. I also enjoy playing with my cat Lily, listening to Christian music, and watching movies. My favorite books are, first and foremost, The Holy Bible, then Jane Eyre, David Copperfield, The Count of Monte Cristo, and To Kill a Mockingbird. I also love Christian apologetics. The most important thing in my life is knowing and serving Jesus Christ, and telling people about His great love for them. People need to know that God loves them!

3 responses »

  1. Sarah,

    You know about my sister in law Theresa, she is not doing well right now. She is still praying for a miracle, not for her, she for she is ready to go, but for her family especially her children. Her mother and sister do not believe.

    The thing that keeps going through my mind is Jeremiah 31, I have loved you with an Everlasting love.

    Try to unpack that idea of an EVERLASTING love
    I guess it has more to do with the idea in Jeremiah of stubbornness and love. We walk in sin, disobedience, and struggle with belief. We live in a fallen world disease, despair, evil. We cant do anything right, but God reaches down and it is HIS faithfulness that sees us home. And because He says Everlasting, it means He never stops

    Jesus is known by His warrior stance in saving us. His scars prove this and we in turn come before Him with our scars.

    The Kingdom comes through God’s perfected Son. This imo is a perfect idea of those we hope to meet again.

    From: God’s Not Through With Me Yet
    Reply-To: God’s Not Through With Me Yet
    Date: Friday, January 17, 2020 at 2:34 AM
    To: Kim Anunson
    Subject: [New post] The Monster Is Dead

    sarahjesusnlily posted: “I just got a phone call from my cousin. It seems that Harry, my biological father, died yesterday. He was 93 years old. I haven’t seen or heard from him in about forty years. Basically he wanted nothing to do with me, and had made me persona non grata to “


    • Hi Kim:

      I apologize for taking so long to respond to this.

      I’m sad that Theresa isn’t doing well, but glad that she’s at peace with her fate. I’m also pleased that she is in a place where she’s thinking more about others than she is about herself. I think that’s the love of Christ working in her, which is a definite sign of real spiritual growth.

      Thanks for mentioning Jeremiah 31:3. I love that verse,

      The Lord appeared to us in the past. He said, “I have loved you with a love that lasts forever. I have kept on loving you with a kindness that never fails. ~ Jeremiah 31:3, NIRV (New International Reader’s Version).

      That Michael Card song was amazing and beautiful. He is such a gifted musician!

      I love that God didn’t remove Jesus’ scars upon His resurrection. They are our permanent reminder of what He did for us on the cross, that He actually fought a battle for us in saving us from our sinfulness, and rescuing us from Satan’s power. That reminder enables me to be grateful to Him every single day for His unending love, and His willingness to do it all for me!

      I love Him so!! Thank you, Jesus!! Glory to God!!


  2. Pingback: The Monster’s Wife | God's Not Through With Me Yet

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