At the beginning of my last post, Ideas Flitting In and Out, I suggested some possible titles I was thinking about using for a blog post. The above was one of them. I kind of liked it so I thought I’d use it, considering I’m having trouble gathering enough thoughts to create a sentence, much less a whole blog post.
Lily, my cat, has decided that right now is the time for her to crawl into my lap and be affectionate. So that’s what she’s done, purring loudly, with her head nudging my right elbow, as I’m trying to type. Of course it’s almost impossible to concentrate, much less write down what I’m thinking about, with her doing all that, but it’s hard to turn her away because her motor and her beautiful blue eyes are so appealing.
Just thought I’d let you know what fun I’m having while I’m trying to write! Lily has always been a gift from God, and I love her dearly, but it gets interesting when she wants me to pet her right when I’m trying to write.
Back at it, Lily notwithstanding…
I’ve been feeling less depressed since that memory surfaced last Thursday while I was writing, and I’m very relieved about that. It’s extremely difficult for me to function when I get that depressed. It’s hard for me to blink and breathe when it gets that bad, so I can’t get anything done, not even reading my Bible.
Fortunately, as I said, I am feeling a bit better, so I’m blinking and breathing easier and more often, thankfully. It’s kind of like a boil was lanced when that memory came up, to use an analogy. I do think I’ll need to explore the well from that memory with McT, because I’m not sure I’m done with it yet. Thankfully I’m supposed to have a phone appointment with him this afternoon.
So I had my appointment with McT, and it was, as always, a really good conversation. He is so easy to talk to! He just makes things easier. You know, things. Things that are hard to talk about. Things that hard to think about. Things that are hard to see, or hard to hear. I’m more and more able to trust him with the really hard stuff, the bits and pieces of my life that I’ve never been able to tell anyone.
The reason it feels like my brain has flown the coup is because, even though I’m feeling less depressed, most of the time my mind is blank, without thoughts ~ thoughtless, as it were, and I can’t figure out where they’ve all gone. I seem to be able to think enough to speak, so where are my thoughts when I want to write? It’s very frustrating and distressing.
I hate feeling like I have to wing it without knowing what’s going to come out when I say something. I have to trust myself, and that’s even harder than trusting God or McT. I have to trust that I won’t blurt out something stupid or obscene, or that I won’t say something that goes against what I believe or that dishonors God in some way.
I learned early on that I couldn’t trust my own reality, something that’s common amongst abuse survivors, because no one believed anything I told them. Plus Harry forced us to lie about what he was doing to us.
There’s a certain point at which someone who is forced to lie all the time begins to believe that the lies she’s telling are actually true. I think that happened to me, and was probably at least partly why I repressed the truth and remembered the lies. I couldn’t have survived otherwise.
But now that I’ve experienced so much healing at the Hand of God, I’m beginning to learn that I can trust myself and my reality. It’s been a hard lesson to learn, even harder than learning to trust God. I’ve always had the Bible to show me I can trust God, but I’ve never had anything on which to base any ability to trust myself, other than just… myself. Which didn’t make me feel confident at all. I mean, I wasn’t able to trust myself before, so why would I trust myself now? And no one else trusted me, so why would I trust myself?
However, as I’ve gotten stronger and more and more healed, I’ve grown more and more confident. And I’ve learned that my voice is worthy of being heard, and that I no longer have to remain silent. I can trust that what I have to say is just as meaningful and useful as anyone else’s message, because I have God on my side, and He will always come first.
It’s taken me over a week to write this post. I started on June 9th, and I’m almost ready to publish it today, nine days later. It’s evolved through a number of topics ~ as I thought it would ~ and in the process I feel like my brain has flown back into the coup.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. ~ James 1:17, KJV.
God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.
Trust is a big thing for me. It has to be earned, and I’ve tried hard to earn the right to trust myself. I’ve tried hard to earn the right for God to trust me, if you can do that. I hope you can, because I desire that God would trust me above all else.
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. ~ Hebrews 11:6, NKJV.
You know Sarah, it is so revealing; the steps you have been taking, the work you do and the Love you feel for God and the healing that has been accomplished. God of course does heal, but He has you going through the blood, sweat and tears of it. This is so hard, but you persist and He does trust you otherwise this blog would not be were it is today. Think about the darkness of the subject—— Yet your writing is very uplifting and your sense of humor always comes through. This is part of your gifts and it is amazing.
I have this unfinished thought, but will write anyway. Maybe someone else can finish it. It has to do with heros. There are no heros without adversity. It takes something bad to show who is good, who has courage, and who picks themselves up again and again? As our country and most of the western world is changing from a ‘right/wrong’ culture to a ‘shame/honor culture, how does the idea of a Christian work? And how much understanding of where to stand will remain?
Consider yourself a hero in the world of exposing child abuse and the wreck it leaves in its wake. The truth of it will always blow people away, who had not had to live nor see it. But shining the truth in that ugliness takes courage and a hero.
Be blessed my friend. Love you.
Thank you, Kim! As always, what you’ve said here was uplifting and encouraging, and so needed! I love your heartfelt words because they invigorate, inspire, and motivate me to carry on, even when I feel like giving up.
The idea of God trusting me is something that came up new as I was writing this post, but I think it’s been floating around subconsciously for years, along with my desperate desire for His pleasure.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to your comment. I’ve been mulling it over in my mind until I could say what needed to be said in the right way without fumbling my words.
The idea of me being a hero is hard for me to accept. I think of a hero as someone who rescues a child from a burning car, or someone who saves someone from drowning. I’ve never done those things. I’ve always maintained that Jesus is my Superhero, because He saved me from burning in Hell ~ something no one can do except Jesus Himself, and He also protected me from the worst of the abuse throughout my childhood.
I would love to be a hero, but I don’t think I am. I’m just doing what anyone would do were they in my position. That’s not really heroic, that’s just doing the right thing, which every Christian is expected to do just because they’re a follower of Christ. But I love that you’ve called me one, don’t get me wrong! I just don’t see myself that way.
Thank you again for your perspective, Kim. Your comments are always helpful to me, because your kindness and love shine through in every word, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that. But aside from that you provide me with a different perspective, a perspective outside myself, on what I’ve written ~ a different set of eyes as it were ~ that help me to see myself as God might see me, and I so need that. I’ve never been good at seeing myself from God’s perspective. So thank you for that!
I love you and thank you for your incredible friendship!!