I’m feeling just generally out of sorts. It’s the beginning of Advent, and I keep thinking I should be feeling joyful, because Advent is the season that celebrates the coming of Jesus from Heaven into the world as a peeing, pooping baby. I mean, how amazing is that!? Jesus Christ stepped down from His Majesty on High to assume human form so He could save humanity from our sins.
It’s just so incredible and amazing that God Himself would do that, and that He would do so to save me, even when I’m cranky and crabby like I am right now. I should be grateful, not cranky, but I wish I could just go Home and be with Him instead of having to occupy here, where people, including me, are so mean and awful and evil.
But then, if I think about it, I used to be a whole lot meaner, and more awful and evil than I am now, when I’m just cranky and crabby. I needed Jesus back then, just like all the other mean, awful, and evil people do now. I’m so glad I got my act together and opened the door and let Jesus into my heart!
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” ~ Revelation 3:20, NKJV.
Jesus said that as He was rebuking the Church at Laodicea in Revelation 3:14-22. I’m grateful that I could open the door to my heart so that He could come in. That He would be willing to come in and take up residence in me is a marvel to me even to this day, especially when I’m in a bad mood. Jesus’ kindness and love for me is something that never ceases to amaze me! I know I don’t deserve it, and yet He continues to demonstrate such love that I can’t fathom it!
And He does it in so many different and innumerable ways! His creation is so beautiful that it takes my breath away, no matter where I look!
I don’t know how well you can see the photo of the Peacock spider. If you click on it, you might be able to get it to enlarge. If that doesn’t work (and it may not; it didn’t for me), then here’s the link to a whole website about Peacock spiders, and specifically this species of Peacock spider: https://www.peacockspider.org/#/maratus-caeruleus/, plus you can see pictures of a whole lot of other equally beautiful Peacock spiders.
Part of the reason I’m feeling so cranky has to do with Charlotte. You know, the kitten I got last July?
After six months, she still hasn’t adapted to being with me, and I am very discouraged. She still runs away when I come into the room, and just about the only interaction she’s willing to have with me is to attack my ankles and feet when I’m sitting on the couch watching TV. And it HURTS when she does that!!
I’m so upset about the whole situation that I don’t know what to do, and I’m about to throw in the towel on the whole project. As a consequence I feel like an absolute, complete, and abject failure.
Throughout my life I’ve always been able to make friends with a cat. There’s never, ever been a cat that I’ve not been able to turn into a friend. So in my mind, there must be something wrong with me if I can’t get Charlotte to like, much less love me. So it feels like it’s every man, or rather cat, for herself in my house. And Charlotte’s winning!
So needless to say, I AM DISCOURAGED!! In the last couple of days I’ve asked, begged even, God to let me die and come Home to Heaven because I just can’t handle my life anymore. I hate myself, and I hate my life ~ so much so that I just don’t want to live it. I’m done.
I’M DONE!!!
Unfortunately, I don’t think God will answer that prayer in the affirmative. And at least part of the reason I know that is because I’M STILL HERE!! Darnit!!
I want to end this with some measure of hope, like a Scripture verse or something, but I can’t think of one to use.
Well, maybe…
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O LORD, You know it altogether… 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. ~ Psalm 139:1-4 and 7-8, NKJV.
And then there’s this…
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?… 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:35, 37-39, NLT.
I guess that’s the hopeful ending for my train-of-thought, disorganized, cranky, crabby post. Scripture says that God and His love are with me, regardless of how badly my life is going, or how terrible I’m feeling. No matter what’s going on in my life, God’s love is with me, and for me.
I can accept that. I can live with it, and I will always be grateful for it.
Thank you, Jesus!!
God's Not Through With Me Yet 
Sarah,
Sometimes it seems as if we can’t get our footing.
I can confess I feel a lot the same way you do right now. I had a medical test yesterday and everyone was happy it came back clean, but I found myself kind of disappointed as I am ready to go, just as you wrote. I just feel done with this place. I apologize to anyone reading this and dealing with life and death medical situations, as what I just wrote must seems so selfish and non-thinking and stupid. I just confessed and used this example in the hopes of staying incredibly real. Its a very embarrassing admission.
Sarah, Doesn’t sometime in our walk when we feel the goodness of God so much, it makes us realize how awful we really are? It takes a while to overcome the grief move on towards righteousness. Since the dang covid epidemic, a lot of my triggers have resurfaced, and I hate them!! But it happens so fast there isn’t time to stop it before it comes out in inappropriate ways.
I was thinking about Jesus and His Salvation, I was thinking about the times He tells us He understands the bad things we go through. So I started writing them out. Maybe others can chime in with more. Something for us to think about and hold on to when those waves of sadness and evil threaten to overcome our psyches.
Anger and frustration: The coin changers; John 2:15
Bone tired weariness: How tired He felt when sitting at the well speaking with the Samaritan woman John 4:6
Rejection by friends: When some of the disciples turned their back on Him John 6:66
Temptation: Resisting satan in the desert Mark 1:13
Shame/Ridiculed: People struck Him, spit on Him, and pretending to worship Him Mark 15:19
Homelessness: The Son of Man has no place to lay His head Mathew 8:20
Sadness: His heart was overwhelmed to the point of death Mathew 26:38
Loneliness: God leaving Jesus as He died on the cross Mathew 27:46
Disappointment: in those around Him Luke 13:34
And the Coup de Grace: Jesus wept John 11:35
So, it seems when we hear that awful, nasty voice in our heads telling us we are alone, in fact we are far from alone. It’s like we must keep reminding ourselves it’s a lie. Nothing is new and we aren’t ‘special’ in our despair. We are just humans struggling to be someone the Lord would be proud to call His children. This really makes us one in billions who feel alone and aren’t. Does that sound callous, I don’t mean for it to, I am in fact, hoping the encouragement of who Jesus is and how much He really does understand each and everyone of us reads like a light in the swirling darkness which attempts to take us from a peace and joy God does have for us:
John 14:27
But the advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have told you.
Peace I leave you, My peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid
So deep breaths and prayers to the Lord that we can come up from the drowning darkness; find footing enough to look around and see where the Light is shining and then once again walk that direction.
I am so glad you included all the beautiful birds, they are amazing.
Maybe there is an analogy on God’s love when we compare Charlotte to us and how it must seems to God when we act all feral, when He is saying come on! We know its not God’s fault we act the way we do, and its not your fault Charlotte acts the way she does. She has things inside of her, that is keeping those barriers up. Sometimes it just happens and when it does it is so very sad.
Keep walking Sarah, and we will keep walking too. I also think a lot about the Passion of the Christ movie, there is a scene when Jesus falls to the ground and Mary is weeping and wants to comfort Him. Jesus (in the film) responds something like, ‘don’t cry, can’t you see I am making all things new’ There was the voice of pride in the pain, for some reason I just love that scene, it changes my perspective on the work of the cross. Maybe we can take more pride in overcoming the pain and look towards the New Jerusalem and the day it will come.
Love to you
K
From: God’s Not Through With Me Yet
Reply-To: God’s Not Through With Me Yet
Date: Tuesday, November 30, 2021 at 6:45 AM
To: Kim Anunson
Subject: [New post] Cranky, Crabby Me, and Yet He Loves Me.
sarahjesusnlily posted: ” I’m feeling just generally out of sorts. It’s the beginning of Advent, and I keep thinking I should be feeling joyful, because Advent is the season that celebrates the coming of Jesus from Heaven into the world as a peeing, pooping baby. I mean, how amaz”
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