Tag Archives: Scripture

Two Furry Delights

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I’ve been hoping and praying for a pair of kittens for almost a year, and God has at long last answered my prayers. I am now the proud owner of two 4-5 week old Siamese kittens, a brother and sister pair. Their names are Solomon and Gracie, and they’re no bigger than two tiny mites. They are SOOO CUTE!!! I can practically hold each one in the palm of my hand, they’re so small. I brought them home earlier this afternoon, and immediately they ate dinner, and I then showed them the litter box, to which each of them promptly responded by pooping and peeing.

I can tell you, that made me very happy, because that means that they are both adapting quickly to living with me.

Thank you, Jesus!!

One of the really cool things that I just love about them is that they follow me around all the time. They also like to sleep on me, which I think is perfectly lovely, plus they purr easily ~ something else I had prayed for.

The only problem I’m having with them is that they’re so similar in appearance that I can’t tell them apart unless they’re both standing in front of me. I think I have to go to PetsMart and get two different colored collars so I can differentiate between the two of them. They’re too young to be spayed/neutered yet. That won’t happen for another month, so the solution seems to be two different colored collars.

This is what they look like. I think the top one is Gracie, and the one on the bottom is Solomon, but don’t hold me to that. Regardless, aren’t they cute? I think they’re adorable, and I’m praising God for answering my prayers so admirably.

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The godly care for their animals, but the wicked are always cruel. ~ Proverbs 12:10, NLT.

So Solomon and Gracie are a blessing and a gift from God, and I will do my level best to treat them as such, and love them a LOT!! I figure God gave them to me to demonstrate how much He loves me, so I can do no less than to love them back.

Pondering the Imponderable, or Jesus and Physics

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Probably my favorite thing about God is His mysteriousness. There are so many things about Him that are incomprehensible. I think God is so multifaceted and complex that we’ll never come to the end of who He is. We’ll never fully understand everything about Him ~ but that’s the cool thing, and is just one facet of His mysteriousness. We could study God for the rest of eternity and not come to the end of who He is, or learn everything there is to know about Him.

Here’s an imponderable,

When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. ~ John 14:20, NLT.

How is it possible for me to be in Jesus at the same time He’s in me? It sounds like a box in a box in a box, except you’d have to keep switching the Jesus-box with the me-box, putting me in the Jesus-box, and then putting the Jesus-box in the me-box, back and forth, again and again, over and over. It kind of boggles my mind and makes me dizzy all at once. I realize that I’m thinking about it on a physical plane when I should be thinking of it on a spiritual plane, but I haven’t taken it that far yet.

The Holy Spirit suggested an imponderable from the Book of Proverbs, though I’m sure it’s more mysterious and unfathomable for people than it is for God (because nothing is unknowable to God, of course).

There are three things too wonderful for me to understand—no, four! How an eagle glides through the sky. How a serpent crawls upon a rock. How a ship finds its way across the heaving ocean. The growth of love between a man and a girl. ~ Proverbs 30:18-19, The Living Bible.

I like the way that version words this passage, but there’s another translation that makes it very clear that there’s a relationship between the four examples,

There are three things which are hidden from me, yea, four which I know not: the track of the eagle in the air; the track of the serpent upon the rock; the track of the ship in the midst of the sea; and the track of the man in the maid. ~ Proverbs 30:18-19, Jubilee Bible.

I find it interesting that even Solomon had things he found to be bewildering and incomprehensible, and he was supposed to be the wisest man who ever lived, except for Jesus Christ, of course.

And then there’s the unfathomable and imponderable mystery of my own existence. Why was I born, if only to be abused within an inch of my life? I’ve spent many years trying to understand this, seeking God, asking why, asking why me, and just generally demanding answers from God. And as I nagged and clamored louder and louder, I got angrier and more indignant ~ to the point of raging and breaking windows ~ because I wasn’t getting the answers I thought God should’ve been giving me, answers I deserved, because, after all, I had a right to know!

And then something happened that changed everything. I was listening to James Dobson on Focus On the Family, and he said something that startled me, and made me realize that I didn’t understand God at all. He said, “We don’t have the right to hold God accountable.”

I’ve never forgotten that statement, because it revolutionized my thinking, and completely altered my understanding of God and who He is. What I understood Dr. Dobson to mean is that I don’t have the right to challenge God’s sovereignty, which was what I was doing by demanding answers from Him, and demanding that He explain Himself to me.

Woe to the man who fights with his Creator. Does the pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with him who forms it, saying, “Stop, you’re doing it wrong!” or the pot exclaim, “How clumsy can you be!”? ~ Isaiah 45:9, TLB (The Living Bible).

As I write that now I cringe at the thought of my arrogance and pride back then, and I’m very grateful for God’s mercy and grace, because I think He must have understood how much pain I was in, and how ignorant I was.

So once I realized that I had been going about my questions in the wrong way, I changed the tenor of my inquiries. Instead of asking why questions, I started asking who, what, when, and where questions. And then I recognized that what I’d wanted to know all along was where God was when I was being abused. And once I started asking these questions, I got answers almost immediately.

And what answers they were! They were life-altering for me, and they showed me that God had been in my life, saving my life, from the very beginning. He had been intervening, keeping me alive, and helping me everytime there was a need, which was all the time!!

It turns out that it was God who gave me the gift of multiplicity. Everytime there was an incident of abuse that was serious enough to require the creation of a new alter, God was there. He placed His finger on my mind ~ my personality ~ in the exact place where He wanted the new alter to be split off, and that’s where the split happened. And then He would tell everyone what to name that alter.

God is AMAZING!! I love Him so!!

Knowing that God had been there the whole time, saving my life, and that He had been behind the multiplicity made what I had suffered easier to accept. I still don’t understand why it had to happen, though I’m fairly certain that part of the reason has something to do with the fact that God can’t go against Harry’s free will. I can understand and accept that. I wouldn’t want God to go against my free will, so why should it be any different for anyone else, including Harry, even at the risk of my life. As long as I know that God was working to protect me as much as He could, I can deal with that. Plus, I get to have a relationship with Him, which is better and more important than anything else than I can possibly imagine.

I’ll get to spend eternity in Heaven learning about Him, and getting to know Him and all His mysteriousness! I can’t think of ANYTHING more amazing and wonderful and marvelous than THAT!!

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts. The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NLT.

Mothers and Fathers

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Last Sunday was Mother’s Day. I’m not very fond of Mother’s Day, and neither am I crazy about Father’s Day.

I used to have a problem from the beginning of October till the middle of January, but over the last couple of years God has been healing me so that the time between Hallowe’en and Christmas is no longer such a problem for me, and for that I am extremely grateful. But the deadly depression that used to devastate me between Hallowe’en and Christmas has transferred itself to Mother’s and Father’s Days.

So now I get sad and depressed between May and June, and everytime I see an ad on TV about Mother’s Day or Father’s Day I get all jumbled up and chaotic inside. But I also feel angry, because all the commercials talk about how wonderful moms and dads are, and neither my mom nor my father were even remotely nice, much less wonderful or amazing in any way. I mean, just writing this post is making me feel despondent, miserable, and desolate ~ as well as infuriated and resentful.

Both my parents presented a happy front to the world. Harry made himself out to be a highly intelligent solid citizen who always worked to support his family, while my mother made the whole world love her. The front my mother presented to the world was that of someone who loved everyone, and loved to give of herself to everyone. Everyone thought my mother was an absolute Saint, who could do no wrong, could probably walk on water, and held the walls of the church up, because she was one of its pillars.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My mother did a lot of good things for her church. She was the wedding coordinator, and did all the flowers and decorations for all the weddings and every event her church held for the better part of 40 years. She also volunteered in the church office at least once a week during those same 40 years. And if that wasn’t enough, she sang in the choir, also for those self-same 40 years. The problem was, she was so busy making the world think she was God’s Woman of Power for the Hour that she had no time for me or my sister, and while she was doing all that cool stuff out In public, at home she was allowing my father to beat me within an inch of my life, and rape me repeatedly virtually every day of my life. And when I told her about the abuse memories I was having, and that they were both physical and sexual, her response was,

“Well, I knew something was going on physically, because I saw bruises. If I had known it was sexual, the divorce would have happened a lot sooner.”

When she said that, I thought I would boil over with anger! I wanted to yell at her that children are murdered all the time by parents who are physically abusing them. The idea that she had known that Harry was beating me, and did NOTHING to stop him or protect me in any way made me want to SHRIEK with RAGE!!

And then I knew I had to forgive her. Even though I had every right to be angry, even enraged, at her, I knew that holding on to all that anger wouldn’t help me let go of the pain or put it behind me. Besides, God commands us to forgive. If nothing else, God forgave me, and since that’s true, I can do no less to everyone who’s sinned against me, and that’s a LOT of people!!

“Then Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ ‘Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!'” ~ Matthew 18:21-22, NLT.

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” ~ Matthew 6:14-15, NLT.

Seventy times seven comes out to 490. I’m sure Peter thought he was being really spiritual when he asked Jesus about forgiving someone seven times, and I can just see his face when Jesus told him that seven times wasn’t enough, that he had to forgive 490 times. 490 times!! You’ve gotta be kidding me!! That’s impossible!! I want to say to Peter, Yes, it is impossible to forgive even once without God’s help. So of course you can’t forgive someone 490 times on your own. You will absolutely need His help to forgive that many times!!

I’ve been able to forgive my mother and my father for everything they did to me. But I’ve only been able to do it with God’s help. I never could have done it on my own. NEVER!!

And I wouldn’t even want to try. I would much rather be fully dependent on God, and grateful for the Cross of Christ and His resurrection, and the comfort and indwelling advocacy of the Holy Spirit than to presume that I could do any of it without Their enabling grace and mercy!

Anything else is pure arrogance and pride, and I want no part of that.

I’ll deal with Father’s Day come June. Once problem at a time!

A Crushing Blow, and Yet I Have Hope

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“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” Romans 5:5, KJV.

Last Tuesday I posted the wonderful news of two adorable kittens that I was going to be able to adopt. Unfortunately, I found out on Wednesday that I won’t be able to adopt them after all. Needless to say, I feel devastated.

I was able to meet the two kittens on Tuesday afternoon, and was utterly captivated by their cuteness. And in the process I decided on what I wanted to name them; to wit, Solomon and Gracie. What I didn’t know was that, when faced with the prospect of having to give them up to me, the woman who’s been fostering them came to the realization that she couldn’t do it.

It turns out that she was the one who’d originally found them and rescued them off the street when they were newborns, basically saving their lives. That’s a bond that is very hard to break.

So I’ve spent the rest of the week mourning over two furry children that weren’t really mine yet, even though they felt like mine because I’d held them and played with them and named them. In my mind they were mine, so it feels like a death now that I have to give them up, even though I never truly had them.

So what’s next? Well, the woman who found these kittens for me has said she will continue looking for a new pair. She has been a real blessing in all this. Wednesday morning we texted back and forth for almost three hours as she allowed me to rage and cry. She allowed me to have my feelings without condemnation or criticism. All she kept saying was how sorry she was. I finally realized that it wasn’t really her fault, so I told her that. I forgave Vickie (the woman who’s fostering the kittens; I’m changing her name to protect her privacy). I pray that they prosper with her, and that she is exceedingly happy and blessed with them.

As I was going through this, the Scripture verse that kept trumpeting loudly in my mind was Romans 5:5, and I figured it must be God telling me not to give up, and not to be ashamed of feeling sad because it’s just kittens after all; if I’m going to be sad I should be sad about something important (I hope you can sense how far into my cheek my tongue is!); or of being hopeful. So that’s why I quoted that verse at the beginning of this post. So I plan to keep on looking to Jesus, who is the Author and Finisher of my faith,

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” ~ Hebrews 12:2, NKJV.

I know that He has a beautiful plan for me, and I believe that plan includes two kittens, so I’ll keep on looking for them. I’ve come to realize that I experience loneliness a whole lot more than I’d like to admit, and having cats mitigates that for me.

As I’ve mourned and grieved and cried and prayed and talked to God about everything this week, I could sense that God has a pair of kittens for me. I just have to be patient.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” ~ James 1:2-4, NKJV.

Even though I’ve forgiven Vickie I wish someone would talk to her and ask her if she has any idea just how deeply she hurt me when she changed her mind and took those kittens back. Because actions have consequences, and what’s going to happen when the next time comes? And the time after that, and the time after that? Will she change her mind and decide she wants to keep those kittens too?

I think I can be patient if I know my kittens are coming!

Flawed and Fallible

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Yup, that’s me. I am a flawed, fallible, and sinful person. That’s why I’m so incredibly grateful for the Cross and what Christ did there for me. Christ’s death on the Cross, and His subsequent resurrection mean everything to me, because without them I would have succeeded in one of my many suicide attempts, and then I would have ended up in Hell. So there isn’t enough gratitude throughout the whole universe for me to express how grateful I am to Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit.

That said, I still mess up on an extremely regular basis.The difference is, because I have Christ in my life, I can ask Him to forgive me according to 1 John 1:9.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ~ 1 John 1:9, NKJV.

The reason I bring this up is because I recently became acutely aware of just how flawed and fallible I truly am, and it’s probably at least partly a result of the abuse from my childhood. If you’ll remember, I’ve said before that the pain inflicted on me when I was little is my parents’ responsibility, but I bear the burden for what happens now as a result. I’m an adult now, so I can’t blame my childhood if I decide to go out and rob a bank or burn down a house (which, by the way, are things I would never do, just so you know). This post isn’t about that. It’s about how I function in relationships.

Relationships are very difficult for me, something that’s fairly common for people who are survivors of child abuse, and especially for people who’ve experienced childhood sexual abuse. The only time I was safe when I was little was when I was alone, so I learned fairly quickly that being an introvert was the best way to keep myself safe and abuse-free. Of course being an introvert didn’t protect me from Harry and his horrors, but nothing could safeguard me from that. God made things easier, however, because He gave me the ability to become multiple, and that saved my life many times over. So even though I couldn’t keep myself free from being abused, at least I could stay alive.

Recently I got into a difficult interaction with a dear friend. She’s probably the best friend I have in the world, and I love her dearly. I will do anything for her if it’s within my power, even to the point of dying for her if need be. She’s been with me through thick and thin, and she knows everything about me.

“Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” ~ John 15:13, NKJV.

I’ll call her Sylvia for purposes of anonymity and privacy.

Sylvia’s mother died on February 25th of last year, so this whole year has been really hard for her. Most of the time I’ve been fairly good about being available when she needs me, but the last month or so I blew it big time, because I fell into my usual little hermity way of doing things, and in the process I’m ashamed to say I forgot about calling her for a couple of weeks. (I didn’t forget about her; I thought about her all the time, but somehow calling her became separated in my mind from thinking about her, as strange as that seems.) But I just plain forgot about everyone else for a couple of weeks, and poor Sylvia got the worst of it because she was the neediest, legitimately so. It ended up being more like a month because once I realized I’d neglected her for two weeks, it took me another two weeks to get up the courage to reestablish contact. I knew she’d be mad at me ~ justifiably so ~ and I’d have to apologize, which I didn’t mind doing. I was wrong, after all!

I wrote a post back on June 18, 2019, entitled I Would Make a Great Hermit in which I related why I like being alone so much, and why it’s so easy for me to do my hermity thing, so to speak.

So I had a lot of apologizing to do, and Sylvia and I had to figure out how I could change the way I do things so the last month of me neglecting her wouldn’t happen again. We set up a time when I went to see her and we sat down and talked it all out. And we decided that I would text her every couple of days just to say hi, and maybe I would include a funny cat photo with my text (I have a LOT of funny cat pics. I find them on Facebook ALL the time in this Facebook group I’m part of, Episcopal Cats With Problems.) Below is a classic example.

So I think I’ll leave it at that. Every time I look at the above photograph I start giggling helplessly. I think there are nine cats in that box, and for the life of me I can’t figure out how they all crammed themselves in there. One of the things I’m most grateful to God for, aside from the Cross, is a sense of humor, which I know I got from Him, because I know He has one too. I’m sure He laughs every time He sees photos like this just like we do.