An Attitude of Gratitude

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I used to be an incredibly negative person. I complained all the time about how awful my life was, and how bad I had it, and none of it was my fault, because my childhood was terrible (and it was). Everything was my parents’ fault, and if only they’d been better parents, then my life now would be better.

Now, while part of that was true, I was ignoring all the wonderful parts of my life ~ all the amazing gifts that God had blessed me with just by being alive. I was suffering from a deep depression that was causing me to feel a great deal of emotional agony ~ because of my childhood, it’s true ~ and that was blinding me to the present-day beauty that was all around me in my adult life.

But here’s a truism: if you’ve had a difficult childhood, what happened to you is NOT your fault. But what you do with what happened to you once you grow up and become an adult? THAT is your responsibility. You can no longer blame it on your parents or your bad childhood. You’re an adult now. It’s time to grow up and start acting like an adult. I know it’s hard, but it’s something we all have to do, regardless of what happened to us when we were little.

Okay, ‘nuf said…

What woke me up to the present-day beauty and wonder that were (and are) in my life now, was when I realized that God had been present throughout my life from the very beginning, saving my life and protecting me from the worst of the abuse to which my parents had subjected me. Once I realized that, I could let go of the anger and rage against God that I’d been holding onto for many years. I couldn’t understand why He would allow me to be placed in a family where I would be abused within an inch of my life on a daily basis, where my mother would try to kill me from the time I was born on (during my infancy she tried to drown me and suffocate me with a pillow several times), where I would have to become multiple in order to survive, not just emotionally, but also physically.

But then I realized that the multiplicity was one of the gifts God had given me to protect me from the worst of the abuse, and to help me stay alive. For example, when my mother would try to kill me, God created an alter in me named Deadsally, who would come out and make me stop squirming so my mother would think she’d succeeded and stop trying.

Praise God! Isn’t He amazing? Isn’t He wonderful? I’m alive today because of what He did for me back then, and that was before I got saved. I’m absolutely gobsmacked at God’s goodness and kindness in my life! I guess He had to keep me alive so I could make a decision for Him! And I’m SOOO GLAD He did!!

So once I became aware of His presence in my life, my negative attitude changed to a positive one, and it happened overnight. One day I was steaming mad at God and the next day (well, almost… actually it took a couple of weeks before I was able to release all the rage. But it felt like night and day.) my perspective was completely different.

I had been raging at God, asking Him WHY? WHY had He allowed the abuse?? But once I was able to let go of the rage, I realized that all I really wanted to know was where He was while I was being abused.

Where was He??

Did He care?

Did He know about it??

These were the questions that haunted me, that shouted and shrieked in my mind. And once I stopped demanding to know why, God answered these questions. I was in church one Sunday, and during worship He showed me that He had been there the whole time. That was where He showed me that He had been there throughout my life. And when I saw that I started to weep with joy and gladness and love for Him. That was when my perspective changed.

So on this Easter Sunday, I am so grateful to God. I’m grateful first and foremost for the Cross, for without that, all the other stuff would mean nothing. But I’m also grateful for everything else He’s done for me, because if He hadn’t kept me alive throughout my childhood, I wouldn’t have been around to accept Christ as my wonderful Savior.

Thank you Jesus, and thank you my beautiful Father, Ancient of Days, Jehovah Jireh, I love You so!! I love You my lovely Lord Jesus, and I love You my precious Holy Spirit!!

E’en so come quickly Lord Jesus…

About sarahjesusnlily

My name is Sarah Abigail Kuriakos. I come from a background of extreme child abuse, and it almost destroyed my life. My mother tried to kill me while I was an infant, my father threatened to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me, and I tried suicide nine times as an adult. Fortunately, God had other plans, and none of the attempts on my life succeeded. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle the progress I'm making as God heals me from my childhood, while making sure that God is glorified in the process. I'm a voracious reader, and I enjoy crocheting, doing counted cross stitch, and creating art. I also enjoy playing with my cat Lily, listening to Christian music, and watching movies. My favorite books are, first and foremost, The Holy Bible, then Jane Eyre, David Copperfield, The Count of Monte Cristo, and To Kill a Mockingbird. I also love Christian apologetics. The most important thing in my life is knowing and serving Jesus Christ, and telling people about His great love for them. People need to know that God loves them!

6 responses »

  1. Sarah, what you are saying is so beautifully inspiring! You have expounded in the most practical and God-honouring way the best response to a difficult life and shown how it is beautiful in the presence of the most loving and caring God. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Helen! Thank you so much for commenting! It means a great deal to me that you would take the time to read what I wrote, and I’m grateful for your kind thoughts and words! It really helps to know that what I wrote honors God, because that’s exactly what I wanted, but I’m never quite sure if that’s that’s what I accomplished with what I wrote.

    Thanks again for commenting and Happy Resurrection Day!! I love you!

    Like

    • Hi Markie:
      Thank you for your kind comments, and thank you also for liking my post and following my blog. I’m grateful that you would do that.

      I read your Foundations post, as well as the Part Two post that follows it, and I was impressed. You’re right on the money. The foundation of a child’s life is his or her childhood, and if that childhood is filled with love and respect and good morals, then the child will (hopefully, based on his adult choices) grow up to be a law-abiding citizen.

      On the other hand, if a child grows up with abuse and hypocrisy and lies, then that child MIGHT grow up to be a law-abiding citizen, but it won’t be because of the way he or she was treated by their parents. It’ll be inspite of it, once again, based on their adult choices.

      I’ve read some of your poems, and I really like them! I particularly like your rhyming schemes. I’ve tried to include my poems in my posts on WordPress, but I’ve never been able to make the spacing between the lines right ~ it’s always way too wide ~ so I’ve not posted any of them.

      The only reason I can think of for why I turned out as well as I did is that God has been active from the beginning of my life, protecting me from the worst of the abuse, and saving my life ~ as I related in my post, and as I’ve chronicled in several other posts on my blog.

      So thank you again for commenting, and for your interest in my blog. I’m glad I’ve found your blog as well, and I shall follow you with interest.

      Like

    • Thanks, Chris! I love to laugh! The Bible says,

      “A merry heart does good, like medicine…” ~ Proverbs 17:22, NKJV.

      So spreading laughter sounds like a good thing to do. Most of the stuff I follow on Facebook is calculated to make me laugh, or it produces beauty; if it doesn’t do one of those two things, I don’t follow it.

      Thanks for commenting! I hope you have a blessed and laugh-filled day!

      Liked by 1 person

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