I’ve had a hankering for several days to just write, and when I feel like that I’ve found it’s best to obey the urge and start typing. The problem has been finding the time, but I’m here now…
So I’m going to write about whatever comes to mind, and I have some ideas.
There are times when I feel a great deal of anxiety, because it seems like nothing is going the way it’s supposed to, and everything is falling apart. During those times I’m much more prone to panic attacks, though I’m so pleased that I’m still self-abuse free ~ praise God for that. It’s just that, even though I’m no longer hitting myself, I feel like I’m disappointing God because I’m not trusting Him when I get upset. I should be turning to God when something bad happens instead of getting upset.
I tend to catastrophize everything, and I’ve done it my whole life. Instead of leaving the problem in God’s hands and trusting that He’ll take care of it, I automatically jump to catastrophic-worry mode. It always happens, as hard as I try to do it differently.
There are periods when I’m able to remain at peace, and rely on Scripture (Isaiah 26:3) when I get upset.
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3, NKJV.
And I like to personalize it, because then I feel like I’m actually praying it directly to God about me,
Thank you, Father, that You will keep me in perfect peace because my mind is stayed on You, because I trust in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3, NKJV, Personalized.
You know, when I’ve ruminated on a verse of Scripture, repeating it to myself over and over, it has the desired effect. If the verse is Isaiah 26:3, I end up regaining the peace that I lost when I got upset in the first place, which is wonderful, because I hate losing my peace, and I can’t imagine it’s terribly pleasing to God either.
On top of everything else, I’m going to have to take my computer in to have it worked on. About six months ago I noticed a tiny screw had come out of the bottom of the computer, and I couldn’t put it back in no matter what I tried. So I took it to my computer guy, and he told me, of all things, that my battery is swelling.
My battery is swelling?? That really doesn’t sound good. In fact it sounds just plain weird. Kind of like my computer has been taken over by aliens (if I believed in that sort of thing).
The problem with taking my computer in is that I’d be without it for however long it takes them to replace the battery, and during that time I’d have to use my iPad for everything, including blogging here. And I REALLY don’t like writing on my iPad. I mean I seriously HATE it. It’s a total pain. It takes longer because you have to change keyboards everytime you want to use a number, or you have to capitalize a word, or add punctuation. It’s just a royal pain. So you have to change keyboards, and then you have to change back to the original keyboard. BLECK on the whole process!
And besides all that, my iPad ~ the iPad on which I’m supposed to type this blog ~ isn’t working all that well either. I broke it a couple of months back, because even though I’m no longer hitting myself, I’m still having a big problem managing my rage and anger. I’m not hitting myself, but I’m taking it out on other things ~ like my iPad.
Poor thing! What did it ever do to me? It didn’t do what I wanted it to. But that’s dumb. It’s an inanimate object, and when it does something, it’s only responding to something I tell it to do. It’s a computer, and computers are only as smart as the people using them.
Of course, I don’t know what that says about me…
Actually, I don’t think it says anything about my intelligence. What it does say is that, as I’ve already determined, I need to learn how to control my anger, which is something I’ve known for a very long time. I just haven’t made a concerted effort over the long term to do anything about it. I also think I’ll make it the subject of a future post.
Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity. ~ Ephesians 4:26-27, CSB.
God's Not Through With Me Yet 
Sarah,
Its funny you write about anger and the issues involved with it. On your last blog I felt like writing about anger but didn’t because I was not sure you wanted to go there.
Here is the thing- I am so angry right now!!!! I am so angry it is making me sick, yesterday I could barely walk. It started last summer, and I haven’t been able to get it under control. It started like you said- with all the PTSD stuff and going to worse case scenarios. But then everything around us just kept getting worse, so it was like worse case scenarios weren’t just in my mind but actually happening. AND it makes me angry, that everyone is just like ‘don’t worry be happy’. Well, you probably know what expletive went through my brain. Although I have managed to keep my mouth shut.
So, I don’t want to really hang around anyone, its like—– life is like a cactus- and everything that happens all day long is pricking me.
So there you have it, just this dark throw up of madness all laid out on a table, and you can see its icky but for some reason that icky is just -well- just sticky, and I am stuck to it like glue. Rats.
Currently the bible verses which is helping me to hang on is Psalm 13
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How I wrestle with me thoughts
And day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will the enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, Lord my God
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death
And my enemy says I have overcome him
And my foes rejoice in my fall
But I trust in YOUR unfailing love
My heart rejoices in your salvation
I will sing the Lord’s praises for
He has been good to me.
I think one of the things which is really hard to actually take into our souls; is sometimes when it seems like we need God the most, It feels like HIS face is hidden or He seems so far away.
But is this true really? Or is it just that He is so close, we can’t fix our eyes on the face of God? It’s like we can’t see a friend’s face when they are giving us a hug?
So I try to choose the knowledge that He is so close I can’t see Him, but at some point He will release the hug and push back my shoulders with His hands on them and ask me if I feel better now? And I hope I have the fortitude to say
Yes Lord, thank you for Your mighty love.
And to really mean it, not just giving lip service to what I know I am supposed to say or think, because if it’s not real then I just lied to God.
So cheers to all of us travelers in time who feel the mighty wrath of the enemy and struggle in our positions as part of God’s army, holding on, because like His love; which held Him on the cross, not the nails, His love; we love Him enough to stand our ground.
Cheers my friends; friends known and unknown who totally get what Sarah just wrote
-K
From: God’s Not Through With Me Yet
Reply-To: God’s Not Through With Me Yet
Date: Tuesday, April 6, 2021 at 6:46 AM
To: Kim Anunson
Subject: [New post] Taken Over By Aliens
sarahjesusnlily posted: ” I’ve had a hankering for several days to just write, and when I feel like that I’ve found it’s best to obey the urge and start typing. The problem has been finding the time, but I’m here now… So I’m going to write about whatever comes to mind, and I”
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Oh my, Kim!
In the first place, I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t say something here because you aren’t sure I want to talk about it! I love you, and just because this is my blog doesn’t mean you can’t say what you need to say and talk about what you need to talk about. Also, it’s my blog in name only. In reality, it’s God’s blog over which He’s made me a steward.
My next post is going to be titled, Sinking the Anger Titanic, and it’s going to be all about feeling angry but being afraid to express it, talk about it, etc., etc.
I feel really sad that things are going so badly for you! And I also feel angry at the devil that he’s messing up your life as well.
I think you have the right idea when you talk about not being able to see God because He’s holding you so closely that your head is buried in His shoulder so you can’t see His face. And you wouldn’t be able to feel His presence at that time, because you’re so focused on your anger that you can’t think about or feel anything else, when all the time God is right there with you, as close as your next breath.
So, as you said, here’s to us travelers! Onward Christian Soldiers, fighting the devil for all we’re worth, because even though we don’t feel like we are, we’re winning against him because God is on our side.
I love you so much, Kim, and I’m so glad you’re my friend!! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your comments in response to my posts! They really do mean the world to me!!“
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