Monthly Archives: June 2024

Jun20

Trust. Trust?? Trust Who? Trust What?

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Throughout the long time that I’ve been dealing with chronic diarrhea, I’ve been praying for God to heal me, but all I’ve really gotten from God was Him telling me to trust. Just trust. And I’ve gotten to the point that I’m frustrated and discouraged and disheartened, because my activities are severely limited and so is my diet. Just about everything I eat causes an attack of diarrhea, or so it seems.

My doctor suggested maybe I had developed a sensitivity to gluten after the surgery on my knee last January, so I bought a lot of gluten-free food. I’ve been eating it, but I can’t really tell if it’s making a difference, because I still have episodes sometimes. I don’t have any of the symptoms of Crohn’s disease except for the diarrhea (no skin rashes, abdominal cramping, or bloating).

Another issue that’s cropped up because of the diarrhea is the problem I have with taking showers (there are times after a particularly bad attack where I have no choice but to take one). This has been an issue for me for a long time because one of the main places Harry (my biological father) abused me was in the shower. The first abuse memory I had was of him forcing me to have oral sex with him in the shower when I was about two years old. I’ve had memories of him making me have sex with his friends in the shower, and him paying them money for the experience. It was never very much money, usually a dollar or two, but money always exchanged hands. It was the fatherly version of human trafficking. So, as you might guess, I don’t like taking showers, because oftentimes when I do, I have flashbacks.

I think the point of the money was to let me know that I was of very little worth to him. He sold me to his friends in the amount specified, never more than a couple of dollars. One time it was $1.53, and he told me that was what I was worth to him. Thankfully God has shown me conclusively that Harry was lying about that, though in his mind he was telling the truth. I don’t know why he hated me so much, but I forgive him. And I forgive the men with whom he forced me to have sex as well.

I’ve tried to figure if he was disappointed because I wasn’t a boy, or something like that, but if that was what his problem was, the genetics of my gender were his responsibility, not mine! So if he’s going to hate anyone it should have been himself, not me! Talk about projection!

I forgive him! And I forgive them too!

I’m reminded that Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot for thirty pieces of silver.

14Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests 15and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. 16From that time on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus. ~ Matthew 26:14-16, NLT.

The point in bringing up the stuff about the shower is that everytime I have to take a shower now, I feel like God is bullying me into taking showers again, because I went for a long period where I didn’t take them. During the quarantine I wasn’t going anywhere, and it was just easier to not take them because when I did I had flashbacks. I can’t smell anything except gardenias and jasmine, as I got punched in the nose when I was in the seventh grade, and it did nerve damage, so I have to ask my friends if I want to know anything about what smells good or bad, or if there’s any smell at all.

This diarrhea has been going on for so long that it’s hard for me to know who to trust ~ or not trust ~ at this point. There are times when I’ll have an attack, and then I’ll have another one on the heels of the previous attack before I’ve even had time to leave the bathroom. Yesterday was like that. It feels like my body has turned into a leaky sieve and it’s impossible to plug it up. And the thing is, I don’t understand why God isn’t answering my prayers and healing me. I’m just supposed to trust. Trust what?? Trust who??

AARRGGHH!!!

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I feel like a modern-day version of Psalm 88,

1O LORD, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day. I come to you at night. 2Now hear my prayer; listen to my cry. 3For my life is full of troubles, and death draws near. 4I am as good as dead, like a strong man with no strength left. 5They have left me among the dead, and I lie like a corpse in a grave. I am forgotten, cut off from your care. 6You have thrown me into the lowest pit, into the darkest depths. 7Your anger weighs me down; with wave after wave you have engulfed me.
Selah
8You have driven my friends away by making me repulsive to them. I am in a trap with no way of escape. 9My eyes are blinded by my tears. Each day I beg for your help, O LORD; I lift my hands to you for mercy. 10Are your wonderful deeds of any use to the dead? Do the dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love? Can they proclaim your faithfulness in the place of destruction? 12Can the darkness speak of your wonderful deeds? Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness talk about your righteousness? 13O LORD, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day. 14O LORD, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me? 15I have been sick and close to death since my youth. I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors. 16Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have paralyzed me. 17They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have engulfed me completely. 18You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend. ~ Psalm 88:1-18, NLT.

I included the whole of Psalm 88 because the Psalms are really wonderful at describing how you’re feeling, especially when life gets really bad, and Psalm 88 is perfect for that. It’s the only psalm where there’s no positive note at the end. All the other psalms have a reassuring, encouraging note at the end, but not Psalm 88. The only thing positive about this psalm is that the psalmist doesn’t stop praying.

So I think I’ll leave it at that. I would appreciate any prayers from my followers if you feel so lead, because I’m in a pretty bad place at the moment, in case you can’t tell.

Thanks in advance! I love you all!

Jun8

Back to Sweetness and Light

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Back to Sweetness and Light

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5, NKJV.

My last post, A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven, was a particularly difficult one, as were a number of the posts previous to it. So I’ve decided that those posts were the weeping part of Psalm 30:5, and from here on, at least for a while, morning has come and everything is going to be joyful, as it says in the last part of the verse. Thus my title. No more doom and gloom, and back to sweetness and light. The last post was an important one that needed to be brought out in the open, but I need a break.

So this post is going to be a meandering potpourri of stuff I’m thinking about, and things I’m learning in my Bible reading, etc., etc. With that in mind, I found the coolest verse in Job 9 the other day. Well, actually I found a whole lot of cool verses in Job, partly because that’s where I’m reading, and partly because I love the Book of Job.

God is wise in heart and mighty in strength. Who has hardened himself against Him and prospered? ~ Job 9: 4, NKJV.

And I especially like the way the NIV renders it,

His wisdom is profound, His power is vast. Who has resisted Him and come out unscathed? Job 9:4, NIV.

Have you ever read a passage of Scripture and come across a verse you never saw before, and thought, “Where did that come from?” It was there all along, but you just missed it. That’s what happened to me with Job 9:4. When I read that verse I thought, “I’ve never seen that verse before!”, and then I was reminded of Pharaoh and the ten plagues (see Exodus 7 through Exodus 12), and King Herod Agrippa I (see Acts 12:20-23), and Ananias and Sapphira (see Acts 5:1-11), and most of all Lucifer himself (see Isaiah 14:12-15, Ezekiel 28:13-17, and Luke 10:17-18). All those people thought they were better than God in one way or another, and they found out the hard way that they weren’t. I don’t EVER want to be in that position! I’ve known for a long time that I would make a terrible God. In fact I wrote a post with that title, I Would Make a Terrible God back in September of 2019.

And then there’s this juicy passage from Job 40,

9Have you an arm like God? Or can you thunder with a voice like His? 10Then adorn yourself with majesty and splendor, And array yourself with glory and beauty. 11Disperse the rage of your wrath; look on everyone who is proud, and humble him. 12Look on everyone who is proud, and bring him low; tread down the wicked in their place. 13Hide them in the dust together, bind their faces in hidden darkness. 14Then I will also confess to you that your own right hand can save you. ~ Job 40: 9-14, NKJV.

It seems to me that God is saying to Job, “Job, can you be Me? If you can, then you can save yourself!” And since I know that no one can be God except for God Himself, quite obviously, no one, including Job, can save himself.

There are a number of other fascinating and interesting passages from Job that I could expound upon, but I think I’ll stop here. I love God’s Word, and I could go on and on talking about all the cool stuff I’ve found, but if I did that I’d be doing nothing but writing all day long. And while that would be a lot of fun, I would’t get anything else done. My cats would go hungry ~ well, maybe not. I doubt they’d let me get away with that.

I will worship toward Your holy temple, and praise Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth; for You have magnified Your word above all Your name. ~ Psalm 138:2, NKJV.

My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. ~ Psalm 45:1, NKJV.

And finally, as long as I’m meandering, here’s a poem I wrote a long time ago. It’s called “Words” and it was written back in September of 1991 while I was still multiple.

So many words in this wide world of mine—
There must be a billion, three-million and nine,
Or maybe a trillion—I know not of more,
But even a million’s enough for a door.

Words full of laughter, of light, and of hope,
Words that paint pictures for those who must grope
Through darkness and longing ’til dreams become real
And light in their tunnel means safety to feel.

Scrivening onward, word pictures I’ll paint
So others when thirsty won’t give up and faint.
Words will build true homes from castles on air
Where laughter and rainbows take place of despair.

I think that’s it. I’m done meandering. It’s been kind of fun, and I give all the glory to God. He’s the One who gave me the ability to write poetry in the first place, even if I haven’t been able to do it in awhile. Maybe it’ll come back someday. Even the featured image is kind of meandering. It’s a photograph of a beautiful hummingbird that I found, and I’ve only recently figured out how to add that, so I decided to try it. How cool is that!

God is SOOO GOOD!!!

Jun1

A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven

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1To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: … 7A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~ Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 7-8, NKJV.

The purpose of this blog is to educate people about the horrors of child abuse, and in particular sexual child abuse. There are a number of lies out there about what children experience when they’re being molested, and this is a big one.

This is going to be a hard post to write because it’s about a difficult subject. It’s hard for me to talk about and it’s difficult to write about, but I have to make the effort, because I need to bring it out in the open. As it says in the verse I quoted above, there’s a time to keep silence and there’s a time to speak. I hate what was done to me, and it’s time to talk about it.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been having flashbacks of moaning and grunting and groaning, and I couldn’t figure out what it was ~ if it was even a flashback. But then I remembered people telling me that if it felt good when Harry raped me (Harry is my biological father), all that was happening was that my body was reacting naturally to being sexually stimulated. Then I realized that my body wasn’t feeling pleasure as he was raping me. It was feeling pain. It HURT!! I was a small child and he was an adult male. My body was far too small for his adult-sized body parts. Then as he was forcing himself into me, and I was groaning from the pain, I could see him smiling.

Smiling?? Why was he smiling? Then it dawned on me: he thought I liked it. I liked it?!! I don’t THINK so!!

Knowing that Harry was so selfish and out of touch with my needs made me feel incredibly angry. It made me angry then and it makes me angry now, but I know I have to deal with it and forgive him.

I’ve been trying very hard to NOT deal with this memory since it came up. I’ve procrastinated on working on this post for days on end. It’s too painful, and it makes me too angry at Harry. It also makes me angry at my mother because she did nothing to stop him.

I don’t like feeling angry. It makes me feel out of control. But I know I have to get this dealt with. If I don’t take care of it then it will fester like an old wound that gets infected and fills with pus, and I really don’t want that. So I have to stop dithering about and just do it, regardless of how bad it feels, because, as it says in the Psalms, tears may last for a few hours, but with the new day comes joy.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. ~ Psalm 30: 5, NKJV.

I really want that joy, and I really want to please God, so I’m going to finish working through this memory, and forgive Harry and my mother, so I can publish this post.

I forgive you, Harry! I love you, regardless of what you did to me! I want the best for you!

I forgive you, Mom! I love you no matter what! I want the best for you!

Joy comes in the morning, and I pray that morning is here!

22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3: 22-23, NKJV.