1To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: … 7A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~ Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 7-8, NKJV.
The purpose of this blog is to educate people about the horrors of child abuse, and in particular sexual child abuse. There are a number of lies out there about what children experience when they’re being molested, and this is a big one.
This is going to be a hard post to write because it’s about a difficult subject. It’s hard for me to talk about and it’s difficult to write about, but I have to make the effort, because I need to bring it out in the open. As it says in the verse I quoted above, there’s a time to keep silence and there’s a time to speak. I hate what was done to me, and it’s time to talk about it.
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been having flashbacks of moaning and grunting and groaning, and I couldn’t figure out what it was ~ if it was even a flashback. But then I remembered people telling me that if it felt good when Harry raped me (Harry is my biological father), all that was happening was that my body was reacting naturally to being sexually stimulated. Then I realized that my body wasn’t feeling pleasure as he was raping me. It was feeling pain. It HURT!! I was a small child and he was an adult male. My body was far too small for his adult-sized body parts. Then as he was forcing himself into me, and I was groaning from the pain, I could see him smiling.
Smiling?? Why was he smiling? Then it dawned on me: he thought I liked it. I liked it?!! I don’t THINK so!!
Knowing that Harry was so selfish and out of touch with my needs made me feel incredibly angry. It made me angry then and it makes me angry now, but I know I have to deal with it and forgive him.
I’ve been trying very hard to NOT deal with this memory since it came up. I’ve procrastinated on working on this post for days on end. It’s too painful, and it makes me too angry at Harry. It also makes me angry at my mother because she did nothing to stop him.
I don’t like feeling angry. It makes me feel out of control. But I know I have to get this dealt with. If I don’t take care of it then it will fester like an old wound that gets infected and fills with pus, and I really don’t want that. So I have to stop dithering about and just do it, regardless of how bad it feels, because, as it says in the Psalms, tears may last for a few hours, but with the new day comes joy.
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. ~ Psalm 30: 5, NKJV.
I really want that joy, and I really want to please God, so I’m going to finish working through this memory, and forgive Harry and my mother, so I can publish this post.
I forgive you, Harry! I love you, regardless of what you did to me! I want the best for you!
I forgive you, Mom! I love you no matter what! I want the best for you!
Joy comes in the morning, and I pray that morning is here!
22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3: 22-23, NKJV.
God's Not Through With Me Yet 
thank you for your courage in this post. You are an inspiration to many through your openness.
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Thanks, Donna! I hope so. That certainly is an important goal, aside from educating people. I’m grateful that you took the time to read it and comment as well!
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Hi Sarah,
I am replying this way because for some reason I haven’t been able to post via WordPress for the last few posts.
I hope and pray you are feeling the Spirit with you at every moment of everyday and this horrible horrible memory will be washed clean in a way that keeps you from reliving any of these memories to the point of the emotional toil
You are a better woman then me , cause I do not think I would be able to say the words, maybe the I forgive you, but not the I love you. Good for you for eve trying to get there.
And remember how much the Lord loves you and since he formed you, He likes you too ☺️. For some reason I find that more comforting than the Love. Oh well I am weird.
You found the perfect verse in Lamentations.
Be well my friend
Love Kim
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Hi Kim,
Interestingly, your comment did come through on my blog. But I’ll respond here just to make sure you get my response.
I’m so glad you commented! Your thoughts always mean a great deal to me, and this time is no different.
It was only with God’s help that I was able to forgive my parents, and more that I was able to tell them that I love them, especially in this particular instance, because this was an especially difficult memory for me. Somehow it seemed important that I bless them by telling them that I loved them, even though neither one of them is living any longer.
I don’t think you’re weird at all. And the main reason I did it was because I wanted to be obedient.
That verse in Lamentations is one of my favorite verses. I’d use it in every post if I could, except it isn’t always appropriate for the topic.
I find it extremely comforting knowing that not only does He love me, but He also likes me. I’ve wondered about that from time to time. I mean, why would God, the Master of the Universe, Creator of all Things, like me ~ little old me? But then Jesus Christ did die on the Cross for me because He loves me. Somehow that’s different than liking me. If someone likes me they actually want to spend time with me. Then again, the Holy Spirit lives inside me.
Maybe I should stop arguing with myself, because I can tell I’m not going to win this argument with myself. And it’s making me giggle because it’s so ridiculous.
Physically, I’m not doing that well because I’ve had chronic diarrhea for over two months, and the last four days have been especially bad leading up to getting this blogpost published, because the diarrhea has been pretty much constant. And I have an appointment with a GI specialist regarding the diarrhea, but it’s not until August 1st. I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow (Monday), because I’m about ready to check myself into a hospital. That’s how bad the diarrhea has been.
But spiritually and emotionally? I’m doing well. God is so good to me, and I am grateful beyond words to Him for His sustaining power in my life. I’m part of a great church with a marvelous pastor, Pastor Jack Hibbs. He’s on the radio, and he’s also on a number of TV stations. We also have this really cool thing called the Real Life Network. It’s free to download and subscribe to, and free for anyone who wants to contribute content. And the cool thing is, all the content is straight biblical worldview and nothing else. You can download it by going to:
https://www.reallifenetwork.com/ Home reallifenetwork.com (that is if you want to!)
I hope you’re doing well too. I’m so grateful to have you in my life!
Love you lots, Blessings, Sarah and the Cats
P.S. I’m also going to post this comment with the blogpost, so you may get a notification about that.
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Hi Sarah,
I hope you some medical help soon. Having the runs for so long is dangerous especially for mature women and men. Hope you are drinking some electrolytes. How about yogurt? You could also try bread and water for a few days because there is a reason the royal navy used to dole that out for punishment. 😵💫
As for arguing with myself, not sure that ever going to change
I do like your Pastor, some of his sermons have been quite helpful and it’s awesome he shook up Congress. They deserve it for sure. I wasn’t to sure about Mike Johnson at first but it seems like he is picking up steam and learning quickly. I like he is taking Biden to task for Israel- Someone has to do it.
I heard a hot mic conversation with Biden and one of his aids. Biden said ’Netanyahu needs a coming to Jesus moment’ and the aid giggled. It creeped me out because it was the same giggle used by the demonic terrorists on Oct 7. All that told me is – we indeed have demons in the Whitehouse. Scared me a little bit. But stronger is Him who is me, than him who is in the world.
Amir sent this out today and I think it is really good:
I want you to remember that in these last days and in the days to come for your wonderful country, everybody’s going to look at you, because you’re the light of the world. You’re the salt of the earth. You’re the ones that should make a difference. You’re the one that knows the answer. You’re the one that heard the gospel. You are the one that lives your faith. If you are panicky, if you are unstable in your faith, if you are weary and troubled, what will the non-believers say? They’re going to look at you. And I want to remind you that these dark days are the best days for the church to shine its light. So, let’s finish the race.
I do think God is using this time of darkness to change me and while it is incredibly painful, its also incredibly helpful and good.
Feel well soon!
Love to you and kitty cats
Kim
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Hi Kim,
Interestingly, your comment did come through on my blog. But I’ll respond here just to make sure you get my response.
I’m so glad you commented! Your thoughts always mean a great deal to me, and this time is no different.
It was only with God’s help that I was able to forgive my parents, and more, that I was able to tell them that I love them, especially in this particular instance, because this was an especially difficult memory for me. Somehow it seemed important that I bless them by telling them that I loved them, even though neither one of them is living any longer.
I don’t think you’re weird at all. And the main reason I did it was because I wanted to be obedient.
That verse in Lamentations is one of my favorite verses. I’d use it in every post if I could, except it isn’t always appropriate for the topic.
I find it extremely comforting knowing that not only does He love me, but He also likes me. I’ve wondered about that from time to time. I mean, why would God, the Master of the Universe, Creator of all Things, like me ~ little old me? But then Jesus Christ did die on the Cross for me because He loves me. Somehow that’s different than liking me. If someone likes me they actually want to spend time with me. Then again, the Holy Spirit lives inside me.
Maybe I should stop arguing with myself, because I can tell I’m not going to win this argument with myself. And it’s making me giggle because it’s so ridiculous.
Physically, I’m not doing that well because I’ve had chronic diarrhea for over two months, and the last four days have been especially bad leading up to getting this blogpost published, because the diarrhea has been pretty much constant. And I have an appointment with a GI specialist regarding the diarrhea, but it’s not until August 1st. I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow (Monday), because I’m about ready to check myself into a hospital. That’s how bad the diarrhea has been.
But spiritually and emotionally? I’m doing well. God is so good to me, and I am grateful beyond words to Him for His sustaining power in my life. I’m part of a great church with a marvelous pastor, Pastor Jack Hibbs. He’s on the radio, and he’s also on a number of TV stations. We also have this really cool thing called the Real Life Network. It’s free to download and subscribe to, and free for anyone who wants to contribute content. And the cool thing is, all the content is straight biblical worldview and nothing else. You can download it by going to:
https://www.reallifenetwork.com
(that is if you want to!)
I hope you’re doing well too. I’m so grateful to have you in my life!
Love you lots,
Blessings,
Sarah and the Cats
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