For my whole life I’ve felt younger than my chronological age, much younger, in fact. For much of that time I’ve felt about sixteen years old, regardless of what age I actually was. I think part of the reason for that was because I was multiple, and the managing alter, me, was sixteen when I was created after the gang rape when we were three years old (for an expanded explanation of that read Adulting Is a Four Letter Word, a post I wrote back in September of 2019). And I remained sixteen years old until we were all integrated into one around my birthday in March of 2003, when the body turned fifty. But ever since then, even though my life consisted of just me, Sarah Abigail Kuriakos, with no more alters, I still didn’t feel my chronological age. I still felt like I was sixteen years old.
Then, in the middle of August, I ended up in the hospital for five days because my heart started racing, and it wouldn’t stop, plus I was having a hard time breathing. Being a hospital patient was a very interesting experience in many ways, but the Lord used it. The main thing I got out of it was that I could sense that the Lord had me in the palm of His hand the entire time I was there, every second, even when my heart started racing on Saturday night, and six nurses and doctors showed up in my room with all their machines to get my heart back to normal sinus rhythm.
I was never really afraid or worried because I could sense that God had me right where He wanted me. My housekeeper was taking care of my kittens, and I had lots of people praying for me. So I just kept working at trusting that God had everything under control.
They finally diagnosed me with something called SVT, or Supraventricular Tachycardia, which is a really fancy way of saying that sometimes my heart beats too fast, but the problem arises specially from the atria, or upper chambers of the heart.
Once I got home I thought I’d start feeling better, but that hasn’t happened. People have told me that there’s a recovery period after you come home from the hospital. I don’t quite understand that. How can sitting in bed doing nothing all day, every day be such hard work? Because it’s September now, and I still feel AWFUL. I’ve never felt this bad in my whole life! I’m still having a hard time breathing, and I’m SOOO EXHAUSTED all the time that blinking and breathing are hard!
What it amounts to is, I no longer feel sixteen years old. For the first time in my life, I feel my chronological age. I feel EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of my sixty-nine years. My joints ache so badly that I can hardly move, in addition to the fatigue. It takes me three times longer to do anything now than it did before because of my aching joints and the unremitting and debilitating weariness.
I don’t want to sound like I’m doing nothing but complaining ~ even if that’s exactly what I’m doing. I just want to get it all down on paper, so to speak, so there’s a record someplace of what I’m experiencing.
And if everything I’ve already mentioned weren’t enough, I have cataracts. My right eye is worse than my left. All I can see out of my right eye is a blur, My left eye is much better, but because my right eye is so bad I have almost no stereoscopic vision.
I feel a bit like Paul when he talked about his thorn in the flesh, which he called a messenger of Satan sent to buffet him,
2I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago—whether in the body I do not know, or whether out of the body I do not know, God knows—such a one was caught up to the third heaven. 3And I know such a man—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows—4how he was caught up into Paradise and heard inexpressible words, which it is not lawful for a man to utter…. 7And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:2-4, 7-9, NKJV.
I’ve tried to understand why it seems like my body is falling apart all of a sudden, but I haven’t really questioned God about it, because of the clear impression I’ve had that I’m right where He wants me to be. So I think I’m just going to go with Paul, when God told him,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9, NKJV.
I know I need God. I’ve always known that. But now, when I’m so weak physically, I need Him even more, but that doesn’t bother me. I like knowing that I need God! In fact, I love knowing that I need Him, because He’s always been faithful, and He’s never let me down and I can trust Him completely. He’s my soft place to fall. So when I’m weak, then He is strong. I’ve never had anyone in my life like that before. So knowing that I can trust God that much is huge for me.
Well, I think I’m done. It’s been a really long time since I posted anything, but a good part of that is because I haven’t had the energy because I’ve been so sick, plus it’s taken me this long to sort out my thoughts.
God is my strength and power, and He makes my way perfect. ~ 2 Samuel 22:33, NKJV.
I am strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. ~ Ephesians 6:10, NKJV, Personalized.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13, NKJV.
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. ~ Philippians 4:13, NLT.
I use these verses while I’m climbing the stairs to my apartment from my garage, especially when I’m lugging bags of groceries. If I couldn’t recite them to myself, I don’t think I could make it up the stairs. It’s a kind of prayer to God to help me while I’m struggling so hard. And it always works! Thank you Jesus!!