Throughout the long time that I’ve been dealing with chronic diarrhea, I’ve been praying for God to heal me, but all I’ve really gotten from God was Him telling me to trust. Just trust. And I’ve gotten to the point that I’m frustrated and discouraged and disheartened, because my activities are severely limited and so is my diet. Just about everything I eat causes an attack of diarrhea, or so it seems.
My doctor suggested maybe I had developed a sensitivity to gluten after the surgery on my knee last January, so I bought a lot of gluten-free food. I’ve been eating it, but I can’t really tell if it’s making a difference, because I still have episodes sometimes. I don’t have any of the symptoms of Crohn’s disease except for the diarrhea (no skin rashes, abdominal cramping, or bloating).
Another issue that’s cropped up because of the diarrhea is the problem I have with taking showers (there are times after a particularly bad attack where I have no choice but to take one). This has been an issue for me for a long time because one of the main places Harry (my biological father) abused me was in the shower. The first abuse memory I had was of him forcing me to have oral sex with him in the shower when I was about two years old. I’ve had memories of him making me have sex with his friends in the shower, and him paying them money for the experience. It was never very much money, usually a dollar or two, but money always exchanged hands. It was the fatherly version of human trafficking. So, as you might guess, I don’t like taking showers, because oftentimes when I do, I have flashbacks.
I think the point of the money was to let me know that I was of very little worth to him. He sold me to his friends in the amount specified, never more than a couple of dollars. One time it was $1.53, and he told me that was what I was worth to him. Thankfully God has shown me conclusively that Harry was lying about that, though in his mind he was telling the truth. I don’t know why he hated me so much, but I forgive him. And I forgive the men with whom he forced me to have sex as well.
I’ve tried to figure if he was disappointed because I wasn’t a boy, or something like that, but if that was what his problem was, the genetics of my gender were his responsibility, not mine! So if he’s going to hate anyone it should have been himself, not me! Talk about projection!
I forgive him! And I forgive them too!
I’m reminded that Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot for thirty pieces of silver.
14Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests 15and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. 16From that time on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus. ~ Matthew 26:14-16, NLT.
The point in bringing up the stuff about the shower is that everytime I have to take a shower now, I feel like God is bullying me into taking showers again, because I went for a long period where I didn’t take them. During the quarantine I wasn’t going anywhere, and it was just easier to not take them because when I did I had flashbacks. I can’t smell anything except gardenias and jasmine, as I got punched in the nose when I was in the seventh grade, and it did nerve damage, so I have to ask my friends if I want to know anything about what smells good or bad, or if there’s any smell at all.
This diarrhea has been going on for so long that it’s hard for me to know who to trust ~ or not trust ~ at this point. There are times when I’ll have an attack, and then I’ll have another one on the heels of the previous attack before I’ve even had time to leave the bathroom. Yesterday was like that. It feels like my body has turned into a leaky sieve and it’s impossible to plug it up. And the thing is, I don’t understand why God isn’t answering my prayers and healing me. I’m just supposed to trust. Trust what?? Trust who??
AARRGGHH!!!
O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.
I feel like a modern-day version of Psalm 88,
1O LORD, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day. I come to you at night. 2Now hear my prayer; listen to my cry. 3For my life is full of troubles, and death draws near. 4I am as good as dead, like a strong man with no strength left. 5They have left me among the dead, and I lie like a corpse in a grave. I am forgotten, cut off from your care. 6You have thrown me into the lowest pit, into the darkest depths. 7Your anger weighs me down; with wave after wave you have engulfed me.
Selah
8You have driven my friends away by making me repulsive to them. I am in a trap with no way of escape. 9My eyes are blinded by my tears. Each day I beg for your help, O LORD; I lift my hands to you for mercy. 10Are your wonderful deeds of any use to the dead? Do the dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love? Can they proclaim your faithfulness in the place of destruction? 12Can the darkness speak of your wonderful deeds? Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness talk about your righteousness? 13O LORD, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day. 14O LORD, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me? 15I have been sick and close to death since my youth. I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors. 16Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have paralyzed me. 17They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have engulfed me completely. 18You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend. ~ Psalm 88:1-18, NLT.
I included the whole of Psalm 88 because the Psalms are really wonderful at describing how you’re feeling, especially when life gets really bad, and Psalm 88 is perfect for that. It’s the only psalm where there’s no positive note at the end. All the other psalms have a reassuring, encouraging note at the end, but not Psalm 88. The only thing positive about this psalm is that the psalmist doesn’t stop praying.
So I think I’ll leave it at that. I would appreciate any prayers from my followers if you feel so lead, because I’m in a pretty bad place at the moment, in case you can’t tell.
Thanks in advance! I love you all!
God's Not Through With Me Yet 
Hi Sarah, I am praying for you for restoration of your health and wholeness. I pray that God’s healing power flows through your body and mind to drive out all aberrations from God’s design and desire for you and that you will be set free from this problem which will not return. May you enjoy the fullness of health and wholeness that God intends for you and may you enjoy His strength and power flowing through your mind and body. In His Name.
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Hi Helen! I’m grateful for your comment, and I’m very grateful for your prayers! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and for praying for me. It really means the world to me! I hope you’re doing well, and thank you for being my friend!
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Sarah,
I am praying God uses this time of illness, to help you through one of the strongholds, the enemy uses to hurt yo; one of God’s beloved children.
No one can blame you for the way you feel regarding the showers, and isn’t it ironic that evil choses washing and cleaning in which to torture you?
What a weapon to use on not just a small child, but a full mature woman.
We know the rise in evil is hard, it is making many of rise sick, physically, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes I can feel the lead weight of it through the bottom of my feet up to my throat and then my brain twirls like a Tasmanian devil. 🙄
These are times in which the darkness is so over whelming the Light will be even more obvious. Our Emmanuel is with us. We rely on the Anchor of Christ to calm these storms in and around us. Remember when Jesus calmed the storm and the Apostles, were just beginning to understand they under estimated who Jesus really is? Who is this man, that the winds and sea obey Him? This is really an important moment imo, as Mark, Mathew, Luke and John all address HIs power over nature.
We are walking through the valley of death, but we also remind ourselves not to fear evil because He is at our side.
Also, I am coming to the conclusion, God is using evil to show a lot of Christians, myself included, that my faith and belief was not centered properly. We have been brainwashed to believe in a Jesus who lets every sin run wild because of love. And this is not the case, evil may be having a day but mistaking His patience for approval is very wrong. Or we define Love by societies terms, not God’s.
Can HE be finishing our training in His army?
Regardless. Lord Jesus come soon!
Love to you
Kim
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Hi Kim,
Thank you for commenting, and thank you especially for your prayers.
I love it when you comment on my posts. You know just what to say, and it always provides me with such comfort when I’m having a hard time, plus your wisdom gives me insight that I didn’t have before. I’m very grateful for you, my friend!
I think you’re right that evil is getting so much worse. Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, evil is running rampant. Right is wrong, wrong is right, and real truth no longer exists. What’s true for you isn’t true for me, etc., etc. The Way, the Truth, and the Life have fallen by the wayside, to the peril of so many.
I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I’m missing it somehow with my perceptions about God and the way I relate to Him. I don’t know that I can explain it so anyone else can understand it, but I’ve had this feeling that I’m somehow missing something where my understanding of God is concerned, because He’s been so silent throughout the long haul of the diarrhea.
The last couple of days I haven’t eaten anything except two small things of applesauce, and juice ~ lots of juice, plus Pedialyte®. Lots of juice and Pedialyte, the reason being, if I don’t eat anything, then my body has nothing to make poop with ~ and therefore no diarrhea. It seems to have worked, at least somewhat. The number of episodes has decreased a lot. But I notice that I don’t have as much energy ~ of course ~ as a consequence, so obviously I can’t continue on going without food. It’s very frustrating and discouraging.
Anyway, I guess I’ll stop ranting and meandering here and post this so you can read it. As I said, I’m very grateful for your thoughts and wisdom. Whether you know it or not, you do have a lot of wisdom, and it’s always been helpful to me.
I think you’re right. Jesus IS completing our training for His army, and absolutely YES, E’EN SO, COME QUICKLY LORD JESUS!!
I love you a lot. I hope you’re doing well.
Blessings,
Sarah and the Cats
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I’m so sorry, Sarah.❤️🩹😢🙏🏼
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Thanks Julie! Your prayers would be greatly appreciated!
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Sarah,
Not sure you are missing anything, remember Paul begged for the thorn to taken from his side and GOd’s reply was
‘My Grace is sufficient’
For MY power is perfected in weakness. Therefor I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness, so the power of Christ may rest upon me. That is why for the sake of Christ , I delight in weakness, insults, hardness, persecution, difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong
Of course this doesn’t mean God wants to unduly suffer. However, when we are weak, mind, body, we dont try and impart our own power and wisdom over the situation, we wait upon the Lord and let Him cover us like new cloth; so HIs power can work around and through us. Trust ME, Trust ME, for I do not fail and I do not forsake.
We know what Jesus accomplished via pain and suffering. What small suffering my we be apart of which we dont understand on this side of Heaven?
Or as in Job
Who brought wisdom to the heart
Who gives us a craving for knowledge
Can we hold the stars together
Who made the Eagle proud
We speak empty words without the knowledge of God
God isn’t silent to us, He is with us and we just are not sure why it seems like silence.
Hopefully this doesn’t sound all pointy finger, I dont mean for it to because I say these things to myself all the time. Especially recently because a few times I have so lost my temper and the things I have said. Lord rebuke me and the weight of knowing I deserve it that is crushing.
I am in the middle of something right now and my brain does such swings on it, I can’t tell the right from wrong. Something happened last summer and I do not want to see my brother and sisters. It was not some huge awful event, it was just the straw which broke the camel’s back. Because of this they have given much more assistance to our parents than I have (Just recently though, I carried it for a long time)
So that is out of balance and I feel guilty. But I know if I go up there I will totally lose it with them and I dont want that. You can see how the mind swirls around and human beings are the best at justification! So here I stand just waiting to become more emotionally stable.
High five to all of us trying our best to make the Lord proud and bring Glory to His name.
The human condition is so much fun 🙃
-K
PS Word press still won’t post, so that is why I am replying to you.
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Also, did the Dr tell you to drink more juice? Cause that does seem counter intuitive
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I’m going to answer both your comments here. And BTW, even though it doesn’t look to you like WordPress is posting your comments, it’s posting them on my side. So not to worry, I’m getting them, both in my email and here on the blog.
No, my doctor didn’t tell me to drink more juice. I’m just doing it because I like juice, and I’m only drinking two kinds, apple and cranberry. I probably made it sound like I’m drinking more than I actually am. I’m alternating between drinking juice and Pedialyte®, in equal measure, depending on how dry my mouth feels. I can’t drink TOO much of either one because if I do I begin to feel like I’m sloshing.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with family problems! Family issues can be the worst because your family is made up of the people you know the best and hopefully love the most. But because you know them so well they can also push your buttons more than anyone else, and sometimes you just have to stay away, otherwise things will get even worse ~ which I know you don’t want. I really don’t think you should feel guilty! If you spent time with them now, as you said, you would lose your temper, and that would only cause more pain, which wouldn’t help things at all.
There was a period right after I started remembering what Harry had done to me many years ago that I had to separate myself from my mother and stepfather for the same kind of reason. I tried to explain it to them, but they refused to understand, so I just had to stay away. And then my stepdad died and I went back because my mother needed me, but by then I had worked through enough stuff that it was okay. So I know a little of what you’re talking about.
I’ve come to realize that what bothers me the most about what I’m dealing with now is God’s silence in all this. Since the diarrhea began the only thing I’ve heard from God is “Trust”, just “Trust” which is completely different for the way it’s always been ~ at least over the last ten or so years. I know He always speaks through His Word, but I had gotten used to Him speaking to me in other ways as well. Maybe I’m expecting too much, I don’t know, but I’m used to hearing from God that way now, even though He still speaks to me through His Word as well. I really like being able to ask Him a question and have Him answer me right then. It makes things really fun and interesting. And sometimes He doesn’t respond right away, but it’s okay, because, up until now, I’ve had the confidence that He will.
But not anymore. He hasn’t said anything to me in weeks, other than just Trust. And it scares me. What if He never talks to me again? I don’t think I can stand that!
Don’t worry, it doesn’t sound like you’re being all pointy-finger at me. I know you’re not like that.
I think I’ve rambled enough.
I love you a lot!
S & Cats
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Hi Sarah,
I do know what you mean when you speak of silence. Because I think you and I have had some of the same “God” experiences and the silence makes a person feel like we have done something wrong.
But maybe it has to do with more like a toddler learning to walk. (I guess I should say most parents teaching their toddlers to walk-as obviously there are some horrible parents out there) The parent begins by holding the toddlers hands and walking with them, then slowing starts withdrawing so the child can learn to walk with or w/o the parent. But the good thing about that is the next lesson is how to run! But first the new walker has to feel secure in what they have learned how to do. So maybe, we are just learning to use the security of what we have been taught more fully.
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Oh Sarah,
I am so sorry I didn’t mean it that way. I meant like waiting for the next lesson. Please dont think I was saying God was going to be silent!!!
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This is CS Lewis and much more helpful them I am
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Hi Sarah,
Yes the video is very beautiful and what we need so much. Thank you for sharing!
Yes the video went thru twice, oh well maybe I need it twice 😀 Timing is always a funny thing and you reading Mere Christianity is what I might describe as a God thing.
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So maybe God is trying to make me grow up and not depend on hearing Him speak to me anymore?
What happened to childlike faith, the faith of a child? So I’m supposed to now get used to just hearing Him speak to me from His Word then?
It kinda hurts.
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No worries, Kim! I think I just misunderstood what you meant, and it put me in a conundrum. Even though I’ve been a Christian for over 50 years it’s probably time for me to grow up anyway, but that’s probably meant in a different way than it sounds. On the other hand, I’m not exactly sure just how it’s supposed to be meant, so maybe you should ignore it.
I’m all kind of confused, and not because of what you said. I was already confused before you said anything at all, and what you said didn’t make it worse. Not at all ~ and I’m not saying that just to make you feel better.
I think I’m going to have to start making a confession over myself, because the Bible says that God is not the author of confusion, and it also says that He will never leave me nor forsake me. And since I believe the Bible is true over all else, regardless of what my feelings are telling me (because we all know that feelings are notoriously unreliable), I have to chose to believe that God is with me.
So there!
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I think both videos were the same, and both were really good. Thank you for posting them for me! Interestingly, I’m reading Mere Christianity right now, and I remember some of what he had to say from the book. I’m about half way through; I have to have it finished by Monday. Everything he had to say was very helpful with what I’m struggling with right now. I’m probably going to listen to it again because it was so useful. So thank you again for posting them and giving me a chance to partake of C.S. Lewis’s wisdom. You’re the best friend and I’m grateful for you!
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Here’s a video that my roommate sent me early this morning that really ministered to me. I hope it’ll minister to you as well. It’s a video of a song called He Will Hold Me Fast. In case the link doesn’t post you can look it up on YouTube yourself. It’s by a group called Selah.
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