Category Archives: God’s grace

Feb25

Hmm… What Should I Write About?

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Hmm… What Should I Write About?

How’s that for a title? I wonder if King David ever sat down to write a psalm and pondered on what he should write about before he started. I can picture him sitting before a vintage typewriter with a blank piece of papyrus in it. Now, obviously, King David didn’t have a typewriter back when he was alive. He had a quill with papyrus, so I’m taking great poetic license here. Regardless of that, however, it’s fun to imagine King David with a little bit of writer’s block.

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

The above psalm was actually written by the sons of Korah rather than King David, but it’s my go-to Scripture as concerns all things writing, and I haven’t been able to find a better one. I’d love to find a verse where the psalmist talks about struggling to write, but I don’t know if one exists. There are 31,102 verses in the whole Bible, which translates to 23,145 verses in the Old Testament and 7,957 verses in the New Testament. There seems to be a verse for everyone and every circumstance, so maybe, just maybe, there’s a verse for people struggling with writer’s block. I just have to find it. O God, please help me find it if it exists!

Then, last night as I was sitting in my car reading in the book of Luke, God showed me something. My roommate had to take her dog to the vet, and then she had to go to Albertsons. So I went with her and sat in the car reading my Bible while she did her errands at the vet and the market.

I was reading in Luke Four, where Jesus was in the wilderness for forty days being tempted by the devil.

1Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan River and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, 2where for forty days he endured temptations from the devil. … 5Then the devil led him up to a high place and showed him in a flash all the kingdoms of the world. 6And he said to him, “To you I will grant this whole realm – and the glory that goes along with it, for it has been relinquished to me, and I can give it to anyone I wish. 7So then, if you will worship me, all this will be yours.” 8Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘You are to worship the Lord your God and serve only him.'” ~ Luke 4:1-2, 5-8 [Deuteronomy 6:13], NET.

What God showed me had to do specifically with Satan’s statement to Jesus that he would give Him all his authority if He would just fall down and worship him. And it occurred to me that there’s no way Satan would actually keep that promise. In the first place, Satan is a liar. Jesus said in John 8,

For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. ~ John 8:44, NLT.

Jesus was talking to the Pharisees in this verse, but He was talking about Satan. My point in quoting John 8:44 is to show that the devil is a liar. In fact, as Jesus said, “Satan is the father of lies.”

So when the devil told Jesus that he would give Him all his authority in Luke 4:6, I don’t believe he had any intention of keeping that promise. He couldn’t keep it because if he had, it would have reversed everything he’d managed to accomplish since Adam and Eve gave in to him in the Garden of Eden. It would have been catastrophic for him if he’d done that.

On the other hand, if Jesus had accepted Satan’s challenge and taken him up on his offer, then Satan wouldn’t have had to give up his authority, because Jesus would have started worshiping someone other than the Father, which would have broken the First Commandment.

You shall have no other gods before me. ~ Exodus 20:3, NET.

You must not have any other god but me. Deuteronomy 5:7, NLT.

I think the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit had a plan that They’d come up with before the beginning of time, before Adam and Eve were ever created, to save humanity, because They knew from the very beginning that we were going to blow it.

19but [you were actually purchased] with precious blood, like that of a [sacrificial] lamb unblemished and spotless, the priceless blood of Christ. 20For He was foreordained (foreknown) before the foundation of the world, but has appeared [publicly] in these last times for your sake ~ 1 Peter 1:19-20, AMP.

And the Amplified Bible included a footnote with the word foreordained from verse 20: “The Son of God always existed and it was always known that He would be the Redeemer of mankind.”

Additionally, Jesus knew in advance that He would go to the Cross and sacrifice His life for us, and He did it willingly.

17This is why the Father loves me – because I lay down my life, so that I may take it back again. 18No one takes it away from me, but I lay it down of my own free will. I have the authority to lay it down, and I have the authority to take it back again. This commandment I received from my Father.” ~ John 10:17-18, NET.

I like the way the New Living Translation transcribes it as well:

17“The Father loves me because I sacrifice my life so I may take it back again. 18No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.” ~ John 10:17-18, NLT.

I could be wrong about this. I’m wrong about a lot of things, but it makes sense scripturally. I kind of feel like I’m going out on a limb here, but I read it to McT, my therapist, and he likes it, so I think I’m going to go with it.

Well, I think that’s it. It’s taken me a really long time to write this post, but I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. It was thought provoking, as well as prayer provoking, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that! Plus I learned a bunch of stuff into the bargain, and I love being able to do that. I hope everyone enjoys reading it!

Oct1

Happiness Is Jesus and a Cheeseburger

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Happiness Is Jesus and a Cheeseburger

It’s been a very, VERY long time since I posted anything at all, and I apologize for that, but I’ve been very ill, and I just haven’t been able to post anything. My health has been compromised on a number of fronts, with both digestive and heart issues.

On August 27th I went to Loma Linda University Hospital, because I was so everlastingly tired of having diarrhea all the time that I was hoping they’d admit me. The medication I’d been taking, Lomotil, that was keeping it under control, had stopped working, and I was frustrated out of my mind, because I kept having these attacks of explosive diarrhea that I couldn’t control.

I talked to my doctor, and she told me it was okay if I went to Loma Linda. It turned out to be a very long wait, because their ER was extremely crowded, but the nurses, doctors, and lab techs were wonderfully kind and caring, and that made a huge difference. My roommate, Karen, drove me there, so she was there as well, though I wish she hadn’t been stuck there waiting with me, because they ended up sending me home, and she was stuck waiting all that time for nothing.

The reason they sent me home was because none of the lab tests and X-rays they did showed anything irregular. If anything abnormal had been revealed then they would have had a reason to give me a bed. But there wasn’t so they couldn’t. I got it. I didn’t like it, but I got it.

So Karen and I got home around 5 a.m. the next morning, and that day was the diarrhea day from hell. I had nonstop attacks all day long, until I finally begged, BEGGED, God to make the Lomotil start working again. And He answered! Thank God, He answered! It started working again immediately.

For the next three weeks, things went along fairly well, except they weren’t going as smoothly as I thought. The bad stuff was going on below the surface so I didn’t notice. First I got a sinus infection, which resulted in both ears being almost completely blocked. That was about two weeks ago, and I still can’t hear in my left ear, and my right ear isn’t a lot better. Then my heart was racing off and on at different times, and I was feeling completely exhausted all the time for no discernible reason. I would be sitting reading my Bible or another book, and I would stand up, and all of a sudden I could feel my heart pounding in my head. Then after a while it would slow down. It happened a bunch of times everyday.

Then a few days ago, on Wednesday, September 25th, my heart started racing again, only this time it didn’t stop. I had a phone appointment with my doctor, Dr. Ahearn, anyway, so when she called I told her about my heart. I have a pulse oximeter that you can put on your finger and it will tell you the oxygen level in your blood and your heart rate. So I put it on my finger, and my oxygen level was 97%, which is fine, but my heart rate was fluctuating between 182 and 220, which is way too fast. And when I told Dr. Ahearn those numbers she told me that I had to get Karen to take me to the ER immediately, because she said my heart rate wasn’t compatible with life (her words, not mine).

She told me to go to the ER in Arcadia where I went the last time this happened a couple of years ago. It used to be called Arcadia Methodist, but they’ve become affiliated with USC Medical Center, so now they’re called USC Arcadia. So that’s where I went. It was about 1 p.m. when Karen and I got there, and because my heart was racing so rapidly I didn’t have to wait to get in. I had my oximeter with me, so I stuck it on my finger and showed them the number, after which they put me in a wheelchair and raced me back and put me in an ER room right away.

They ultimately diagnosed me with something called SVT, or Supraventricular Tachycardia, which was the same thing they determined was wrong the last time I was there. Apparently SVT is caused when electrical signals are sent out from areas of the heart that don’t normally send out signals. And they did this weird trick to bring my heart rate back to normal. They had me blow hard on a syringe for fifteen seconds while they elevated my legs straight up in the air, kind of like they were folding me in half. It looked pretty funny, but it worked, so I guess I can’t complain. If it hadn’t’ve been necessary to slow down my heart, it would’ve been great for an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos, because it looked so wacky.

Looking back, I realize that, with my heart beating that fast, I could have had a stroke, or even died, because it was beating too rapidly to pump blood. And this isn’t the first time my heart has done this. My heart rate has been that high several times before, and nothing bad has occurred. The worst that happened was I broke out in a cold sweat and got a little dizzy.

I am so very grateful! I don’t know why God keeps preserving my life like He does, but I will keep doing my best to serve Him and please Him. The only thing I can think of is that He still has something for me to do. I just don’t know what it is.

I was there for about four hours. The doctor who took care of me talked with Dr. Ahearn, and they decided together that I could go home, because they’d been able to knock my heart rate down with that weird procedure with my legs in the air. They did three EKG’s and a chest X-ray, and I guess they were satisfied with the results. And the cool thing was, the nursing staff and the doctors and the techs were all wonderfully nice and kind. I was really impressed.

Karen and I finally got to leave at 5 p.m., right when rush hour traffic was starting, so we decided to take surface streets. USC Arcadia is close to Foothill Blvd, (Route 66), so it seemed easiest to head in that direction. As it turned out it probably took us the same amount of time driving surface streets as it would have if we’d driven the freeway, because there was a lot of stop-and-go traffic on Foothill Blvd. So first we stopped so Karen could eat because she was starving, and then after a while she became so exhausted she couldn’t stay awake any longer, so we switched places and I drove.

Then, once I started driving, while Karen was sleeping next to me, I started craving a cheeseburger. An In-N-Out cheeseburger with all the fixings, to be exact. I started thinking about how long it had been since I’d had a tomato, or an onion, or a piece of lettuce, or a meat patty, or… or… or… You know, all the stuff you put on a cheeseburger and as I thought about it, the craving only got worse. I started talking to God about it, because I was sure this craving couldn’t be from God. I thought for certain He’d probably talk me out of it.

So I decided I was going to stop at an In-N-Out on the way home. I would be good. I wouldn’t get a double-double, or French fries, or worse, animal fries, or a milk shake, or anything like that. All I would get was a cheeseburger. And I continued talking to God about it while I was driving, explaining why I wanted to do it. I was positive He would tell me I couldn’t do it, that it would be bad for my digestion, that it would cause more diarrhea, but He didn’t tell me anything at all. He just listened. So I went to the In-N-Out that’s two blocks from my apartment. I parked in the parking lot rather than wait in the drive through, and I went in and got my cheeseburger with everything on it.

I was a little afraid to eat it, because it was the richest food I’d had in many months, but I prayed over it, and prayed for God’s mercy over me, and then I started to eat it.

And do you know, that was the BEST cheeseburger! I thought I had died and gone to Heaven, it tasted so good. I could taste each individual flavor: the tomato, the onion, the meat, the bun, the lettuce, the sauce, the cheese, all of them, and each of them. And the wonderful and amazing thing is, NOTHING HAPPENED! No upset stomach, no diarrhea, no nothing!

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him! ~ Psalm 34:8, NKJV.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. ~ Psalm 23:5, NLT.

And that feast could be a feast of cheeseburgers! Oh boy, oh boy!!

When I told Dr. Ahearn the next morning that I’d gone to In-N-Out she was surprised and excited (her words), so I asked her if I could do it again, to which she replied, maybe once every two weeks or so. So I now have a visit to In-N-Out for a cheeseburger on my calendar every two weeks.

6Now godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6-8, NKJV.

Oh my goodness, I am so excited and pleased!! October 9th is my next cheeseburger! Oh goodie and yippee!

God is SOOO GOOD!!

Mar21

Beauty from Ashes

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Today is my birthday (though by the time this is published it’ll be the day after my birthday). I’m seventy-one years old, and I’m so grateful to God that He’s brought me this far. I have SOOO MUCH to be grateful for! First and foremost, there’s the Cross of Christ, of course, but God has been saving my life my whole life long. His goodness and mercy towards me are absolutely unfathomable.

I wrote a post back on November 27, 2023, entitled I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help) that pretty much sums it all up for me. God’s goodness has been the guiding force behind my whole life, whether I knew it or not, and I’m so grateful to God for His kindness and goodness in my life. I’m kind of at a loss for words, because there aren’t enough words to express how much gratitude I feel.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:4-6, NKJV.

I have a thing for beauty, and I feel like God has made my life into something beautiful. He didn’t have much to work with, because I was a thoroughgoing mess. Psalm 23:4-6 is my life in a nutshell. I walked through the valley of the shadow of death throughout my childhood, because I was always afraid that one or the other of my parents were going to do me in if I did something they didn’t like. My mother tried it a number of times when I was a baby, and my father threatened to do so if I told anyone what he was doing to me. But God was protecting me, so I really could “fear no evil”, because God was with me.

To me that’s God creating beauty out of ugliness, and as God has healed me over the years, I feel like He’s prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemy, the devil, because God and I get the last laugh. The devil tried hard to destroy me but failed, and between me and God, he will always fail, because my life is committed to God, and Jesus is my Lord, and the Holy Spirit is my helper and advocate. So goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever! AMEN!!

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. ~ Colossians 3:16, KJV.

Jan13

God Knows I’m Suffering?

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8Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~ 1 Peter 5:8-10, ESV.

Over the summer my right knee started acting up, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. After my friend came to stay with me in the middle of October, my knee was still causing a small amount of pain, but I could still walk on it, and it was barely noticeable. On the ten-point pain scale the doctor gives you it would have been about a two or a three.

In the last month or so the pain in my knee has exploded. It’s now at a twelve or even a fifteen on a scale of one to ten, and I can’t walk on it or put any weight on it. My friend, Linda (name changed to protect her privacy) is having to wait on me hand and foot, something I hate. I’m far too independent to want anyone waiting on me like that, but I can’t do anything for myself because I have to use crutches to get around.

Linda is cooking for me and bringing me my medications when I need them. She’s also making sure the cats get fed, and keeping the kitchen cleaned up, something I didn’t do much of when I was alone. I let my housekeeper take care of that, and she comes once every two weeks. Linda is also driving me to doctor’s appointments and to church.

Linda being with me during this time has been a true life-saver, and I’m extremely grateful to her and to God. I simply could not have survived on my own. I would have ended up in some kind of facility, which would have been exponentially worse.

On another note, the doctor did x-rays two weeks ago today, but they revealed nothing. So an MRI was done a week ago last Monday, and I’m waiting for the results on that as I’m writing this.

All of the above was written in November and December, and it is now one week into the New Year. I’m still on crutches, and still in pain, and tomorrow (Monday, January 8th) I will finally get the results for the MRI that was done about three weeks ago. I don’t know what it will show, but I certainly hope it shows something to explain all this pain in my right knee.

It turns out that the pain is caused by a tear in the lateral meniscus, and the doctor says the way to fix it is an arthroscopic procedure, which they will do on January 25th. So between now and then there will be a flurry of activity: doctor’s appointments to clear me for the procedure, lab tests and ekgs, and a doctor’s appointment with the surgeon to explain the operation and answer my questions.

I guess the reason I’m talking about my knee and all the pain it’s causing me is because in all that’s gone on God has never abandoned me. He’s always been faithfully with me, and been there to help me. Everytime I go up or down the stairs leading to my apartment I pray for His help, because I have to use crutches, and I always have this feeling that I’m going to lose my balance. He’s always there to help me and keep me from falling.

God is SOOO GOOD!!

I can hear people saying, “If God was really there with you, He would have kept this from happening in the first place!”

The Christian life doesn’t work that way. God never promised us a rose garden, but He did promise to walk with us through every circumstance regardless of the difficulty of the situation. Plus, in this fallen world, the human body wears out over time (I’m 70 years old), and that’s what’s happening to me, though I firmly believe that God can heal me.

1But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. 2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.” ~ Isaiah 43:1-2, NKJV.

The story of my life will bear witness to the truth of that passage. And if you read the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the Book of Daniel (see Daniel 3), you’ll find that God walked with them when they were thrown into the fiery furnace, and kept them safe and unharmed because they were faithful to stand for Him regardless of what it meant for them.

15I will give you one more chance to bow down and worship the statue I have made when you hear the sound of the musical instruments. But if you refuse, you will be thrown immediately into the blazing furnace. And then what god will be able to rescue you from my power?” 16Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. 17If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 18But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” ~ Daniel 3:15-18, NLT.

24Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” 25“Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.” ~ Daniel 3:24-25, NKJV.

So the upshot of it all is that, yes, God knows I’m suffering. He knows and He cares. He’s walking with me through it, and helping me every step of the way. He keeps me upright when I’m walking on crutches, and He’s as close as my next breath. He helps me fall asleep at night, especially when my cats are running around fighting with each other and doing zoomies up and down the stairs. As well, He helps me sleep when the pain in my knee is unremitting and so bad that I can’t find a comfortable position, but when I wake up the next morning it’s gotten better.

I feel immense gratitude to God for His presence with me as I walk through this time in my life. I couldn’t do it without Him! And of course, as ever, I’m so grateful for the Cross of Christ. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for that!

THANK YOU, JESUS!!

Nov27

I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help)

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As I’ve had time to reflect over this Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve come to realize that God’s faithfulness has stood me in good stead throughout my life. Regardless of the circumstance He has protected me, saved me from the worst of my father’s atrocities, and kept me alive when my life was threatened ~ as it was on many occasions.

6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, 7rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. ~ Colossians 2:6-7, NIV.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28, NKJV.

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands. ~ Psalm 138:8, NKJV.

And I especially like the way the New Living Translation renders it,

The LORD will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me. ~ Psalm 138:8, NLT.

I can hear some of you saying, “Are you going to tell me that God is using what you went through as a child as a part of His plan for you?” Yes, I believe God is using my childhood as a part of His plan for my life. It’s an uncomfortable thought, but my childhood, as horrific and painful as it was, has brought me closer to God. Knowing that God was protecting me from the worst of the abuse, and saving my life ~ even from my own suicide attempts, of which there were many ~ has made me glad to be alive, and so grateful to God for His efforts on my behalf that my appreciation and thankfulness know no bounds. I’m extremely grateful for the Cross, and I want nothing more than to know God, and to know Jesus, and to know the Holy Spirit, and to serve Them. It’s the least I can do after all They’ve done for me!

In addition to all the other things I’ve described above, I feel a closeness to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit that I never thought possible, and a peace and contentment and happiness that I never could have dreamed of, especially given what I’ve lived through. I can always sense the presence of God, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He hears and answers my prayers regardless of how long it takes for the answer to come. I don’t want that to sound arrogant, because that’s certainly not how I intend it, and I know many people who really struggle in that area, besides which, I’ve contended with unanswered prayer myself.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve got it all together, because I certainly don’t. I’m a sinner just like everyone else, and I need God’s mercy and grace just like the rest of you. I get frustrated and angry the same as everyone else, and I have to cry out to God for help on a regular basis. I’m just grateful that He’s available for me to be able to do that!

8Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ 9and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! ~ Philippians 3:8-11, NLT.

I love this passage from the Book of Philippians. The all-encompassing, all-consuming desire of my life has become to know Christ, and to learn to love Him more and more. We can all learn to love Jesus more. There are always greater depths to plumb in knowing God. One of the best things about God is His mysteriousness! That’s one of my favorite things about reading His Word ~ you can learn more about Him by reading the Bible.

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” ~ Luke 7:47, NLT.

7The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; 8The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; 9The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. 10More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. ~ Psalm 19:7-10, NKJV.

God has forgiven me of many sins, and as a consequence I love Him a LOT, and I love His Word a lot. Reading the Bible has changed my life in so many ways, which are marvelously described in the above quoted passage of Scripture from the Book of Psalms.

I’ve been meandering and wandering around throughout this post, and I’m not sure that I’ve made myself clear. I mean, I understand what I’m getting at. I’m just not sure that anyone else does. What it all boils down to is that, as the title says, I will never, never, EVER doubt God’s goodness, (with God’s help). He’s brought me through too much for me to ever doubt that He has my best interests at heart. I feel the need to qualify that never, never, ever however, because I can’t do anything without God’s help, nor do I want to.

Well, I guess that’s it! Maybe I wasn’t rambling and digressing as much as I thought I was!

May12

I Go to the Bathroom With Cats

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Anyone who has cats has experienced this. When you go into the bathroom, your cats go with you, because, you know, there are SOOO many interesting things to play with in there! And privacy? As far as the cats are concerned, they’re the only ones who deserve any of that. You certainly don’t. So if you want to go into the bathroom to use the facilities, so to speak, you’ll just have to get used to doing it in the presence of your cats.

There are some people who’ve decided they don’t want their cats in the bathroom when they’re in there, so they close the door so the cats can’t follow them in. The only problem with that is that the cats don’t like being shut out, so they respond by sticking their paws under the door and moving them around. I don’t bother with that, because I live alone with my cats, so I just leave the door open.

My cats have discovered that they’re big enough to climb onto the bathroom counter, as well as my dining room table. Plus, I discovered that they found the three necklaces that I’d been keeping on the bathroom counter next to the sink. Silly me, it never occurred to me that I would need to find a different place to keep them before the cats found them.

Oh well! Too late! They found my necklaces and decided they were lovely to play with, since they were all shiny and sparkly, so they played with them until two of them went down the drain in the sink. The third one got shoved off onto the floor and played with down there, and then they got bored with it. I’m so glad that necklace didn’t end up down the drain like the other two. Otherwise I might not have noticed they were gone. Fortunately, once I realized they were gone, I was able to get my wonderful housekeeper to dredge the other two out of the drain while she was cleaning.

I have the BEST housekeeper!!

They also figured out how to pull out the drain plug and play with it. From now on the cats won’t be spending any time in the bathroom unless I’m in there too. The door will remain closed otherwise.

All of the above was written several months ago, after which I put this draft away for awhile. Solomon and Gracie have grown considerably since I last looked at this, so I thought I’d get it out again, and hopefully I’ll be able to finish it now.

Solomon and Gracie are now a little over a year old, thirteen months according to the vet, and I’ve come to the conclusion that if Solomon were human he would like bathroom jokes. I suppose that sounds a little strange, but the reason I think that is because one of his favorite pastimes is to stick his nose into Gracie’s butthole and take a sniff. Gracie almost never returns the favor, but that doesn’t seem to bother Solomon. He just sniffs on and on.

Another thing he likes to do is when I’m in the bathroom he likes to chase his tail behind the shower curtain. I haven’t seen him chase his tail anywhere else in my apartment, just behind the shower curtain. He also likes to play hide-and-seek behind the shower curtain. He likes to go back there and just sit. If I look at him back there he’ll look up at me and meow, otherwise he just sits there.

The two cats have very distinct personalities. Gracie is very dainty and ladylike, and Solomon is goofy, and all boy. His tail is thicker, and he lets it trail out behind him like a flag, while Gracie’s tail is thinner and kind of pointy, and she always has it curled tastefully and elegantly around her body. Plus, Solomon talks all the time, while Gracie is the silent type. Whenever Solomon moves he lets out a squeak. Every move is accompanied by some sort of vocalization. On the other hand, I call Gracie, Gracie the Inscrutable, because she’s quite mysterious most of the time.

Both of them are very affectionate, however, which is wonderful.

Below you’ll see the most current photo of them. I just took it a few minutes ago. Oh, the wonders of smart phone photography!

Solomon is on the left, and Gracie, looking her usual inscrutable self, is on the right. Aren’t they beautiful? Biased as I am, I think they’re gorgeous! And they’re so much FUN!!

I’m so grateful to God for giving me these two amazing and rambunctious cats. At times they try my patience, but even then I’m blessed to have them.

The godly care for their animals, but the wicked are always cruel. ~ Proverbs 12:10, NLT.

May12

Real Brokenness, but Glorifying God

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Every once in a while I become aware of just how broken I am as a result of the abuse and incest that was forced upon me by my parents. Most of the time I’m able to live my life without having to acknowledge the real damage that Harry did with his abuse and selfishness. But there are times when I can’t avoid looking at it any longer.

I’m reminded of it everytime I have to make a phone call, or if I want to take a shower, or if I want to go someplace wearing a dress. For most people these things are normal everyday occurrences, but not for me. For me they are fraught with danger, and as such I’ll do almost anything to avoid doing them. And they are just three examples of things that are difficult in my life because of what Harry did to me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m limping through life crippled to the point of complete incapacity. While my life is difficult, God is so marvelously good to me that it’s hard to describe. My needs are abundantly met, and I can always sense His presence with me. He’s always there to talk to, and I have His Word to turn to when I need it. Having God’s presence with me more than makes up for the difficulties that I live with as a result of Harry’s selfishness.

“And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” ~ John 17:3, NKJV.

Knowing that I have Someone I can trust completely means the world to me! Going from not being able to trust ANYONE to being able to trust One Person completely is a pretty amazing transformation if you ask me. And considering the One Person I’m trusting is God Almighty, Master of the Universe, Creator of All Things, that makes it even better.

God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

Apr10

Through the Eyes of Jesus

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I’ve come to realize that everytime I look in the mirror I have two choices. I could see myself as Harry, the devil, and the world would have me believe that I am, or I could see myself as God sees me. Satan and the world, working through Harry, tried to convince me that I was ugly and worthless. But God thinks I’m beautiful, and He valued me enough that Christ was willing to go to the Cross and die to save me from my sins. And since God is smarter than Satan, and He’s certainly smarter than Harry was, I think I’ll stick with God.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” ~ 1 Samuel 16:7, NLT.

It took me many years to be able to come to that conclusion. I had to wade through a whole lot of pain and emotional sludge before I was able to reject what Harry had beat into me every day of my life, and believe what God said about me in Scripture.

There’s a saying that says beauty is only skin deep. Well, I beg to differ, because God, Master of the Universe, Creator of All Things, says otherwise. Whoever said beauty was only skin deep was ignorant. More to the point, they had their eyes focused on the wrong things. Skin-deep beauty is only what you can see on the surface, but there’s so much more underneath that. As 1 Samuel 16:7 says above, God looks at the heart, and I think that’s where the true beauty lies, for it’s out of the abundance of the heart that one speaks.

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. ~ Luke 6:45, NKJV.

One can read beautiful poetry or speak deadly curses. The one will create positive feelings, and the other will cause sadness and depression

"Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes,
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries."

Those four lines are from Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poem, Aurora Leigh, and I think they are some of the most beautiful poetry I’ve ever read anywhere. They talk about God’s presence everywhere on earth, whether you see Him or not, and if you choose, you will recognize that He’s there, and everytime I read those lines I think beautiful thoughts, and God shows me new things from His Word.

How cool is that!!

2There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement. Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn’t burn up. 3“This is amazing,” Moses said to himself. “Why isn’t that bush burning up? I must go see it.” 4When the LORD saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, “Moses! Moses!” “Here I am!” Moses replied. 5“Do not come any closer,” the LORD warned. “Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. ~ Exodus 3:2-5, NLT.

As far as the negative is concerned, I’ve heard enough evil, gloomy, bleak, and fearful stuff from Harry and my mother to last me into eternity. All that negative input made me hate myself. It also motivated me to become self-abusive, and it drove me to consider suicide. I tried it nine times, but thankfully I was unsuccessful. At the time I was mad. I thought, “Geez! I can’t even kill myself right!” But now I’m so glad my efforts were ineffective. I’m excited to be alive, and in love with Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

If only everyone could see themselves, as well as other people, the way God sees them! It would make such a difference in people’s lives, and in the way culture is played out. People would be able to see the true beauty in the people around them, as well as themselves, and things like plastic surgery would be much less common, or maybe not even be practiced at all.

So those are just some thoughts I’ve been thinking about, with Resurrection Sunday on my mind (it was yesterday), and being grateful for all that Jesus Christ did for me on the Cross and three days later in His Resurrection, and all that He continues to do for me every day. Any gratitude I express now can’t come close to what I really feel, but I’ll say it anyway, because I can’t keep silent about it.

Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6, NLT.

God has blessed me with such abundance that I can’t even describe it, and I am SOOO GRATEFUL!! God is SOOO GOOD!! Thank You Jesus!!

Mar20

The Big Seven-Oh, or Seventy Years of Gratitude

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Today is my birthday and I’m seventy years old. Seventy years old. WOW!! That means I’ve lived seventy years. Seventy years is a VERY long time. That means God has kept me alive for seventy years, through nine suicide attempts, through my mother’s attempts to kill me when I was a baby, and through all of Harry’s threats to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me.

I think it means I’m kind of a miracle, given all that God had to do to keep me alive through all those years and all that mess, and I thank Him for it. I’m incredibly grateful to Him for it!

But what I’m most grateful for is what Christ did on the Cross. If He hadn’t gone to the Cross and died for my sins, then all that other stuff wouldn’t be worth a hill of beans. So more than anything I’m grateful for my salvation. It’s far and away the best decision I’ve ever made.

It turns out that 70 years is equal to 25,550 days, which is the same as 613,200 hours, which translates into 36,792,000 minutes, which is equivalent to 2,207,520,004 seconds. That’s 2 billion, 207 million, 520 thousand, and 4 seconds, just in case you got lost in all those numbers like I did. And it turns out that in these same seventy years, my heart has beat 2,450,000,000 times. That’s 2 billion, 450 million times. WOW!!!

That’s a LOT of seconds, and a whole lot of heartbeats!

It may seem kind of silly for me to go from years all the way down to seconds, and even more so on the number of heartbeats, but I’m doing it to remind myself and anyone who reads this that God has been faithful in fulfilling His promises to me, and has kept me alive through thick and thin every second of every day throughout the years of my life, from the day I was born onward.

I find that amazing, given what I’ve experienced in my life! And it fills me with gratitude towards God, and Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit for all that they’ve done for me.

I could be dwelling on all the bad, evil, and negative stuff that’s been in my life, but what good would it do me? It’s not happening anymore. It’s in the past, and I can’t change it, or wish it away, and I certainly can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I know I relate abuse incidents that happened when I was a kid ~ things Harry or my mother did to me or whatever ~ but my purpose in doing so is to demonstrate how God has been working in me from the time I was born onward to save my life and keep me alive long enough for me to decide to accept His free gift of salvation, and then He could begin to heal me. It’s never to glorify the abuse, or the evil that was done to me.

And looking back, I don’t think I would want to change any of it. If I were to change any of my life, what would I change? Would I ask for different parents? Would I ask to be born in a different country or a different culture? If I were to change any of it, even a little bit, then I wouldn’t be me, and I’ve grown to like myself. And besides that, if I were to come from different parents ~ which could mean that there would be no abuse in my (new) background ~ then I would be someone else. I would be another person with different DNA, and different siblings, or maybe no siblings at all.

And while having a different family, and therefore different DNA, and no abuse, thereby making me a completely different me would be something to consider, I don’t think I would want anything different than what God has already given me. The main reason for this is that if I were a different person, there’s no guarantee that I would have the kind of relationship with God that I have now, and God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are the most important aspect of my life. I can’t live without them. I don’t know but what I would reject God and become an atheist if I were this different person. I would really not want that. In fact I hate the very idea of it.

While the life God has given me has been full of suffering, it’s also been a life that’s full of God, and I would much rather have a God-filled life that’s full of suffering than a life empty of God with no suffering. To me the life separated from God actually has greater suffering than a life filled with God. So I’ll take my life any day, because, though it’s been filled with suffering, it’s also been full of God, and the presence of God makes all the difference.

Jesus + nothing = EVERYTHING!!!

10My aim is to know Him, to experience the power of His resurrection, to share in His sufferings, and to be like Him in His death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. ~ Philippians 3:10-11, NET.

Nov21

The Unbearable It-ness of Being

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There’s a thing called gender dysphoria, or anguish and torment related to one’s biological gender. Gender dysphoria is what’s behind the current societal/cultural interest and fascination about transgenderism, and sometimes the perceived need to switch genders.

The reason I bring it up here is because years ago, before I knew I’d been abused, before I’d had any memories of abuse, I struggled with a version of gender dysphoria. I didn’t want to switch genders, I wasn’t interested in being transgender. What I wanted was to be genderless. In fact, I needed to be sexless and genderless, neither male nor female ~ in other words, an “It”. I spent about six months in a psychiatric hospital because of the gender dysphoria, and because I was suicidal. Being an It was the only way I felt safe, but I had no idea why I felt this way, or what I was protecting myself from.

It wasn’t until a lot of really bad memories started coming to the surface that I began to understand what was behind my need to be an It. It turns out Harry had violently raped me so many times that I decided the only way to keep myself safe was to be an It, genderless and sexless. Practically speaking it didn’t work out very well, because Harry kept right on raping me, but at least I had tried. I mean, I had to try something! And in my mind, even though I didn’t fully understand what was behind the need, I still felt safer because I had made a step towards taking a measure of control away from Harry, even if it was a small one, and even if it didn’t work. Like I said, at least I’d tried.

At the time it didn’t occur to me that my solution wasn’t a solution at all, because it wasn’t based on trusting God. It was based solely on what I was doing to protect myself, and it was founded on fear ~ terror, really, because I was so thoroughly intimidated and terrorized by Harry’s relentless attacks, that I was in a constant state of high alert.

I used to be afraid to trust God because He had allowed Satan to attack Job for no reason.

7“Where have you come from?” the LORD asked Satan. Satan answered the LORD, “I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on.” 8Then the LORD asked Satan, “Have you noticed my servant Job? He is the finest man in all the earth. He is blameless—a man of complete integrity. He fears God and stays away from evil.” 9Satan replied to the LORD, “Yes, but Job has good reason to fear God. 10You have always put a wall of protection around him and his home and his property. You have made him prosper in everything he does. Look how rich he is! 11But reach out and take away everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face!” 12“All right, you may test him,” the LORD said to Satan. “Do whatever you want with everything he possesses, but don’t harm him physically.” So Satan left the LORD’s presence. ~ Job 1:7-12, NLT.

1One day the members of the heavenly court came again to present themselves before the LORD, and the Accuser, Satan, came with them. 2“Where have you come from?” the LORD asked Satan. Satan answered the LORD, “I have been patrolling the earth, watching everything that’s going on.” 3Then the LORD asked Satan, “Have you noticed my servant Job? He is the finest man in all the earth. He is blameless—a man of complete integrity. He fears God and stays away from evil. And he has maintained his integrity, even though you urged me to harm him without cause.” 4Satan replied to the LORD, “Skin for skin! A man will give up everything he has to save his life. 5But reach out and take away his health, and he will surely curse you to your face!” 6“All right, do with him as you please,” the LORD said to Satan. “But spare his life.” 7So Satan left the LORD’s presence, and he struck Job with terrible boils from head to foot. Job 2:1-7, NLT.

As I stated above, I was afraid to trust God because He had allowed Satan to attack Job for no reason (Job 2:3). In my mind, if God could do that to Job, who was the most righteous man of his day, then He could do the same thing to me. I’m by no means righteous without the Cross, and I’m quite sinful without God’s grace. So all I could think of was, as sinful as I am, God would allow Satan to send men to rape me all the time, and that would be the worst possible nightmare in the world. It would be tantamount to being annihilated in my book.

Then God showed me where He was throughout my childhood. He showed me that He had been with me the whole time, working to protect me from the worst of Harry’s abuse and my mother’s attempts to kill me. And all of a sudden I realized that He didn’t want to hurt me, but rather, He wanted me to be safe and secure and unharmed. And I understood that I could trust Him. He didn’t want me to be raped. He wanted me to be free from fear. I could see that fear was actually a lie from the devil, who does nothing but lie.

For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. ~ John 8:44, NLT.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ~ 2Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

Various translations render the phrase, “sound mind” in that verse as self-discipline, self-control, sound judgment, or wise discretion.

In other words, God gives us the choice to be afraid, or to turn to Him and trust that He will take care of us, and that He will make us wise to Satan’s devices through the Holy Spirit.

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.” ~ John 14:26, NKJV.

10Now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one for your sakes in the presence of Christ, 11lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices. ~ 2Corinthian 2:10-11, NKJV.

Fast-forward many years to the present day. I’ve forgiven Harry, who was my biological father, in case you didn’t know. I’ve also forgiven my mother for not protecting me from Harry, and for the abuse she perpetrated on me as well, and I’ve also forgiven everyone else who abused me in the cult rituals.

In addition, God has healed me to the point that I no longer feel the need to be an It. That is in the distant past. I can accept the fact that I’m female, with all that entails. There are times that I’m not entirely comfortable with it, but I’m working everyday to trust my life in all its aspects to God’s sovereign grace and love. He created me female, so female I will be, and grateful for it.

I don’t know that I’m ready to go so far as to think about dating and marriage, or anything like that, because the idea of sex still repulses and disgusts me. But I can accept and love myself, because God loves me. In fact, He loves me so much that He gave Jesus to die on the Cross for my sins, and that’s pretty amazing if you ask me.

35Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … 37No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 38And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:35, 37-39, NLT.

If God, Master of the universe, Creator of all things, loves me that much, how can I not love myself?