Tag Archives: Prayer

Happiness Is Jesus and a Cheeseburger

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Happiness Is Jesus and a Cheeseburger

It’s been a very, VERY long time since I posted anything at all, and I apologize for that, but I’ve been very ill, and I just haven’t been able to post anything. My health has been compromised on a number of fronts, with both digestive and heart issues.

On August 27th I went to Loma Linda University Hospital, because I was so everlastingly tired of having diarrhea all the time that I was hoping they’d admit me. The medication I’d been taking, Lomotil, that was keeping it under control, had stopped working, and I was frustrated out of my mind, because I kept having these attacks of explosive diarrhea that I couldn’t control.

I talked to my doctor, and she told me it was okay if I went to Loma Linda. It turned out to be a very long wait, because their ER was extremely crowded, but the nurses, doctors, and lab techs were wonderfully kind and caring, and that made a huge difference. My roommate, Karen, drove me there, so she was there as well, though I wish she hadn’t been stuck there waiting with me, because they ended up sending me home, and she was stuck waiting all that time for nothing.

The reason they sent me home was because none of the lab tests and X-rays they did showed anything irregular. If anything abnormal had been revealed then they would have had a reason to give me a bed. But there wasn’t so they couldn’t. I got it. I didn’t like it, but I got it.

So Karen and I got home around 5 a.m. the next morning, and that day was the diarrhea day from hell. I had nonstop attacks all day long, until I finally begged, BEGGED, God to make the Lomotil start working again. And He answered! Thank God, He answered! It started working again immediately.

For the next three weeks, things went along fairly well, except they weren’t going as smoothly as I thought. The bad stuff was going on below the surface so I didn’t notice. First I got a sinus infection, which resulted in both ears being almost completely blocked. That was about two weeks ago, and I still can’t hear in my left ear, and my right ear isn’t a lot better. Then my heart was racing off and on at different times, and I was feeling completely exhausted all the time for no discernible reason. I would be sitting reading my Bible or another book, and I would stand up, and all of a sudden I could feel my heart pounding in my head. Then after a while it would slow down. It happened a bunch of times everyday.

Then a few days ago, on Wednesday, September 25th, my heart started racing again, only this time it didn’t stop. I had a phone appointment with my doctor, Dr. Ahearn, anyway, so when she called I told her about my heart. I have a pulse oximeter that you can put on your finger and it will tell you the oxygen level in your blood and your heart rate. So I put it on my finger, and my oxygen level was 97%, which is fine, but my heart rate was fluctuating between 182 and 220, which is way too fast. And when I told Dr. Ahearn those numbers she told me that I had to get Karen to take me to the ER immediately, because she said my heart rate wasn’t compatible with life (her words, not mine).

She told me to go to the ER in Arcadia where I went the last time this happened a couple of years ago. It used to be called Arcadia Methodist, but they’ve become affiliated with USC Medical Center, so now they’re called USC Arcadia. So that’s where I went. It was about 1 p.m. when Karen and I got there, and because my heart was racing so rapidly I didn’t have to wait to get in. I had my oximeter with me, so I stuck it on my finger and showed them the number, after which they put me in a wheelchair and raced me back and put me in an ER room right away.

They ultimately diagnosed me with something called SVT, or Supraventricular Tachycardia, which was the same thing they determined was wrong the last time I was there. Apparently SVT is caused when electrical signals are sent out from areas of the heart that don’t normally send out signals. And they did this weird trick to bring my heart rate back to normal. They had me blow hard on a syringe for fifteen seconds while they elevated my legs straight up in the air, kind of like they were folding me in half. It looked pretty funny, but it worked, so I guess I can’t complain. If it hadn’t’ve been necessary to slow down my heart, it would’ve been great for an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos, because it looked so wacky.

Looking back, I realize that, with my heart beating that fast, I could have had a stroke, or even died, because it was beating too rapidly to pump blood. And this isn’t the first time my heart has done this. My heart rate has been that high several times before, and nothing bad has occurred. The worst that happened was I broke out in a cold sweat and got a little dizzy.

I am so very grateful! I don’t know why God keeps preserving my life like He does, but I will keep doing my best to serve Him and please Him. The only thing I can think of is that He still has something for me to do. I just don’t know what it is.

I was there for about four hours. The doctor who took care of me talked with Dr. Ahearn, and they decided together that I could go home, because they’d been able to knock my heart rate down with that weird procedure with my legs in the air. They did three EKG’s and a chest X-ray, and I guess they were satisfied with the results. And the cool thing was, the nursing staff and the doctors and the techs were all wonderfully nice and kind. I was really impressed.

Karen and I finally got to leave at 5 p.m., right when rush hour traffic was starting, so we decided to take surface streets. USC Arcadia is close to Foothill Blvd, (Route 66), so it seemed easiest to head in that direction. As it turned out it probably took us the same amount of time driving surface streets as it would have if we’d driven the freeway, because there was a lot of stop-and-go traffic on Foothill Blvd. So first we stopped so Karen could eat because she was starving, and then after a while she became so exhausted she couldn’t stay awake any longer, so we switched places and I drove.

Then, once I started driving, while Karen was sleeping next to me, I started craving a cheeseburger. An In-N-Out cheeseburger with all the fixings, to be exact. I started thinking about how long it had been since I’d had a tomato, or an onion, or a piece of lettuce, or a meat patty, or… or… or… You know, all the stuff you put on a cheeseburger and as I thought about it, the craving only got worse. I started talking to God about it, because I was sure this craving couldn’t be from God. I thought for certain He’d probably talk me out of it.

So I decided I was going to stop at an In-N-Out on the way home. I would be good. I wouldn’t get a double-double, or French fries, or worse, animal fries, or a milk shake, or anything like that. All I would get was a cheeseburger. And I continued talking to God about it while I was driving, explaining why I wanted to do it. I was positive He would tell me I couldn’t do it, that it would be bad for my digestion, that it would cause more diarrhea, but He didn’t tell me anything at all. He just listened. So I went to the In-N-Out that’s two blocks from my apartment. I parked in the parking lot rather than wait in the drive through, and I went in and got my cheeseburger with everything on it.

I was a little afraid to eat it, because it was the richest food I’d had in many months, but I prayed over it, and prayed for God’s mercy over me, and then I started to eat it.

And do you know, that was the BEST cheeseburger! I thought I had died and gone to Heaven, it tasted so good. I could taste each individual flavor: the tomato, the onion, the meat, the bun, the lettuce, the sauce, the cheese, all of them, and each of them. And the wonderful and amazing thing is, NOTHING HAPPENED! No upset stomach, no diarrhea, no nothing!

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him! ~ Psalm 34:8, NKJV.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. ~ Psalm 23:5, NLT.

And that feast could be a feast of cheeseburgers! Oh boy, oh boy!!

When I told Dr. Ahearn the next morning that I’d gone to In-N-Out she was surprised and excited (her words), so I asked her if I could do it again, to which she replied, maybe once every two weeks or so. So I now have a visit to In-N-Out for a cheeseburger on my calendar every two weeks.

6Now godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6-8, NKJV.

Oh my goodness, I am so excited and pleased!! October 9th is my next cheeseburger! Oh goodie and yippee!

God is SOOO GOOD!!

Trust. Trust?? Trust Who? Trust What?

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Throughout the long time that I’ve been dealing with chronic diarrhea, I’ve been praying for God to heal me, but all I’ve really gotten from God was Him telling me to trust. Just trust. And I’ve gotten to the point that I’m frustrated and discouraged and disheartened, because my activities are severely limited and so is my diet. Just about everything I eat causes an attack of diarrhea, or so it seems.

My doctor suggested maybe I had developed a sensitivity to gluten after the surgery on my knee last January, so I bought a lot of gluten-free food. I’ve been eating it, but I can’t really tell if it’s making a difference, because I still have episodes sometimes. I don’t have any of the symptoms of Crohn’s disease except for the diarrhea (no skin rashes, abdominal cramping, or bloating).

Another issue that’s cropped up because of the diarrhea is the problem I have with taking showers (there are times after a particularly bad attack where I have no choice but to take one). This has been an issue for me for a long time because one of the main places Harry (my biological father) abused me was in the shower. The first abuse memory I had was of him forcing me to have oral sex with him in the shower when I was about two years old. I’ve had memories of him making me have sex with his friends in the shower, and him paying them money for the experience. It was never very much money, usually a dollar or two, but money always exchanged hands. It was the fatherly version of human trafficking. So, as you might guess, I don’t like taking showers, because oftentimes when I do, I have flashbacks.

I think the point of the money was to let me know that I was of very little worth to him. He sold me to his friends in the amount specified, never more than a couple of dollars. One time it was $1.53, and he told me that was what I was worth to him. Thankfully God has shown me conclusively that Harry was lying about that, though in his mind he was telling the truth. I don’t know why he hated me so much, but I forgive him. And I forgive the men with whom he forced me to have sex as well.

I’ve tried to figure if he was disappointed because I wasn’t a boy, or something like that, but if that was what his problem was, the genetics of my gender were his responsibility, not mine! So if he’s going to hate anyone it should have been himself, not me! Talk about projection!

I forgive him! And I forgive them too!

I’m reminded that Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot for thirty pieces of silver.

14Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests 15and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. 16From that time on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus. ~ Matthew 26:14-16, NLT.

The point in bringing up the stuff about the shower is that everytime I have to take a shower now, I feel like God is bullying me into taking showers again, because I went for a long period where I didn’t take them. During the quarantine I wasn’t going anywhere, and it was just easier to not take them because when I did I had flashbacks. I can’t smell anything except gardenias and jasmine, as I got punched in the nose when I was in the seventh grade, and it did nerve damage, so I have to ask my friends if I want to know anything about what smells good or bad, or if there’s any smell at all.

This diarrhea has been going on for so long that it’s hard for me to know who to trust ~ or not trust ~ at this point. There are times when I’ll have an attack, and then I’ll have another one on the heels of the previous attack before I’ve even had time to leave the bathroom. Yesterday was like that. It feels like my body has turned into a leaky sieve and it’s impossible to plug it up. And the thing is, I don’t understand why God isn’t answering my prayers and healing me. I’m just supposed to trust. Trust what?? Trust who??

AARRGGHH!!!

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I feel like a modern-day version of Psalm 88,

1O LORD, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day. I come to you at night. 2Now hear my prayer; listen to my cry. 3For my life is full of troubles, and death draws near. 4I am as good as dead, like a strong man with no strength left. 5They have left me among the dead, and I lie like a corpse in a grave. I am forgotten, cut off from your care. 6You have thrown me into the lowest pit, into the darkest depths. 7Your anger weighs me down; with wave after wave you have engulfed me.
Selah
8You have driven my friends away by making me repulsive to them. I am in a trap with no way of escape. 9My eyes are blinded by my tears. Each day I beg for your help, O LORD; I lift my hands to you for mercy. 10Are your wonderful deeds of any use to the dead? Do the dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love? Can they proclaim your faithfulness in the place of destruction? 12Can the darkness speak of your wonderful deeds? Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness talk about your righteousness? 13O LORD, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day. 14O LORD, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me? 15I have been sick and close to death since my youth. I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors. 16Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have paralyzed me. 17They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have engulfed me completely. 18You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend. ~ Psalm 88:1-18, NLT.

I included the whole of Psalm 88 because the Psalms are really wonderful at describing how you’re feeling, especially when life gets really bad, and Psalm 88 is perfect for that. It’s the only psalm where there’s no positive note at the end. All the other psalms have a reassuring, encouraging note at the end, but not Psalm 88. The only thing positive about this psalm is that the psalmist doesn’t stop praying.

So I think I’ll leave it at that. I would appreciate any prayers from my followers if you feel so lead, because I’m in a pretty bad place at the moment, in case you can’t tell.

Thanks in advance! I love you all!