¹“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”…⁸Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content. Ecclesiastes 1:2, 8, NLT.

The dichotomy between the meaninglessness of Ecclesiastes and leading a victorious Christian life is especially pertinent when things are not going well, which is something I will talk about below.

The whole idea of Christ bearing my sins for me was really brought home to me this Easter. It all of sudden occurred to me that when Jesus took my sins in His body on the Cross, He bore ALL my sins, and once that happened, I became sin-less, as if I had never sinned. I could picture myself completely innocent, as if I had never done anything wrong, a perfectly pure and undefiled baby who had never been affected by the evil of this broken world.

Being able to see myself in that way really makes a difference in the way I navigate my life, or at least it should. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. As Paul said in Romans, Chapter Seven,

²¹I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. ²²I love God’s law with all my heart. ²³But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. ²⁴Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? ²⁵Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. ~ Romans 7:21-25, NLT.

So even though I know, at least positionally, that I am completely sinless, I’m still dominated by sin in my day-to-day life. And my favorite verse in the above passage is verse 24,

²⁴O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I especially feel the wretchedness of Romans 7:24 when things aren’t going well, as is the case right now. I’ve been suffering from a case of chronic, sometimes explosive diarrhea for about two months now, and I’m beginning to feel like it’ll never end. I’ve become very discouraged. I’ve had accident after accident after accident, and once it happened while I was out and about. When that happened I was taking Solomon and Gracie to a vet appointment and I’d already arrived at the vet’s office, so I couldn’t turn around and go home. I just had to go in and head for the restroom. Talk about humiliating! Fortunately it wasn’t as bad an episode as some of the other ones have been, but that it happened at all was bad enough.

My doctor doesn’t know what’s causing it. I’ve had stool samples analyzed by the lab, and they found nothing, so now my doctor wants me to see a GI doctor. The problem with that is that I don’t trust anyone but my primary care doctor, and my therapist, and God. One of the people who abused me when I was a kid was a doctor, so I have big trust issues with medical people.

Another aspect of this is that I’m in constant pain from my hips and knees. I can’t stand for more than a couple of minutes before it becomes unbearable. I realize it’s not related to the diarrhea, but it’s definitely a complicating factor.

I know that my posts are usually positive and sweetness and light, but I’m really struggling here, and if I can’t be honest on my blog, where can I be, except with God?

I think things started to get bad after I published a post on November 27 of last year called I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God. Ever since I published that post it seems like things started getting worse and worse, culminating in this horrible diarrhea. I get the feeling the devil is trying to make me change my stance on God’s goodness.

Well, I’m not going to! I don’t understand why this diarrhea has continued on for so long, and I really don’t understand why God hasn’t healed me, when I’ve prayed for healing, and prayed and prayed and prayed for it. The accidents just keep happening and happening, and I’m so TIRED. I’ve also begun yelling at God, and I thought I was beyond that, plus I really don’t like doing it. I think I’ve given up on God healing me, because I’ve stopped asking.

I feel like I’ve begun to lose hope, something I didn’t think would ever happen once God set me free. But here I am.

However, even though I can’t feel it, I refuse to believe all hope is lost.

¹⁷Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: ¹⁸Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. ¹⁹The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-19, KJV.

And then there’s this from the Psalms,

¹²But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. ¹³For they are transplanted to the LORD’s own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. ¹⁴Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. ~ Psalm 92:12-14, NLT.

So maybe all is not lost, and what I need to do is trust that God is there even though I can’t feel or see Him right now. I know that His Word is true, and He is just as faithful in the hard times as He is when things are good. Jesus is still the Author and Finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2), and I want Him to continue on in that role.

²¹This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. ²²Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. ²³They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ²⁴“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I hope in Him!” ~ Lamentations 3:21-24, NKJV.

I thank you, Lord, for Your goodness and kindness to me! Whether I can feel it or not, I know You are with me, because Your Word says You are! You’ve been with me throughout my life and that won’t change now, because You are ever faithful to me!