Category Archives: Fear Not

Apr7

Trusting God’s Sovereignty Instead of My Fear

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Trusting God’s Sovereignty Instead of My Fear

I’ve always been terrified of the idea of marriage, mostly because I was afraid I’d have to have sex. But I’ve come to realize that maybe it’s better to follow God and let His sovereignty reign in my life than it is to let myself be ruled by fear.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

I came to this realization after reading a book called Danger In the Shadows by Christian fiction author Dee Henderson. It’s about a woman, whose name is Sara, who was kidnapped with her twin sister as a child, and now as an adult, the kidnapper, who was never caught, is still stalking her, so she lives in constant fear that he’ll find her and kill her.

Her sister died before they were found during the kidnapping, so now, as an adult, she’s made the decision that she can never marry or have children, because she doesn’t want to expose her children to the kind of danger and pain she was forced to experience when she was a child.

She’s a Christian, and she’s trusted Christ her whole life (Henderson quotes Scripture throughout the story), but she can’t quite bring herself to trust God enough to allow herself to marry and have children because she can’t predict what God will permit in her life. He might allow the same thing to happen to one of her children that happened to her, and she’s positive she couldn’t handle that.

As I was reading the story, I became conscious of the fact that I was doing the same thing as Sara was (interesting that her name was the same as mine, but spelled different ~ my name is spelled with an “h” and hers is isn’t). All these years, I’ve lived a sexless life because I’ve been terrified I’d have to have sex if I ever met someone and got married. I’ve never allowed myself to contemplate even liking a guy, much less going out on a date with one.

On the other hand, there’s a big part of me that’s positive there’s no man on earth who would want to go out with me ~ but that’s beside the point. I wasn’t going to give anyone the chance to reject or like me. I’ve always been too afraid to try either way. There was one time many years ago that I tried going on a date with a guy ~ one date, and he turned out to be a slimeball and a jerk. I told him very specifically that I didn’t want him to touch me, but he decided no meant yes, and tried to kiss me.

Needless to say, that didn’t go over well!

And as far as I was concerned, he had proven my point that all men were like he was: jerks and slimeballs who were insufferable and reprehensible, and should be avoided at all costs.

That was back then.

Fortunately, I’ve grown since then, and I’ve come to realize he was human, and a sinner just like me, who needed salvation. I’ve learned to see him through the eyes of Jesus, and I’ve been able to forgive him. But until now, I still haven’t been able to allow any guys to get close enough to me to consider going out with any of them, much less take it any further than that.

So what to do now? What are my next steps? I really do want to change this! I saw McT today (Tuesday, April 1st), and he suggested we spend some time working on some inner healing next time, and that sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe if I can allow Jesus to come into some of the scenes that are so upsetting to me something will change.

So now, this is Sunday, five days since I saw McT, and you won’t believe how incredibly busy and chaotic my life has been since then. First, my car was stolen on Friday. My roommate and I were planning on taking her dog Minnie to the vet on Friday afternoon, so I went downstairs to get my car out of my garage, only to find the garage door open, and my car gone.

The minute I saw the garage door was open, I knew something was wrong, even before finding out that the car was gone, because I never leave the door open. So just the fact that the door was open was enough to tell me that something was amiss, and then when I looked inside and saw that the car was gone ~ well, then I started to pray, because I knew someone had stolen my car.

The first thing I prayed was that God would bring my car back to me, and then I asked God to forgive the person who stole it. And then I went back inside my apartment, because obviously we weren’t going to be taking Minnie to the vet, because my car was gone and we had no transportation. Then I called 9-1-1 and reported the car stolen, and they said they’d send an officer over to take a report. After that I called my insurance company to file a claim.

A sheriff’s deputy from the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department arrived at 5:17 p.m. to take a report on my stolen car.

Almost four hours later, at 8:40 p.m., I got a call from the Pomona police department saying they had found my car, and they said it was still drivable.

It was gone less than four hours, and it was still drivable!!! How cool is that?!

God is SOOO GOOD!!! He is so good to me!!!

I was able to pick it up Saturday morning from an impound lot in Pomona, though I did have to pay about $500 to get them to release it. And here’s the funny part: the person who took it washed it and cleaned out the inside, so I got it back in better condition than it was before they took it.

Another interesting point is that the thief left a couple of backpacks and duffel bags full of clothes in the car, as well as two pairs of Air Jordans, some drug paraphernalia, and several pairs of needle nose pliers.

And the coolest thing of all is that I was able, with God’s help, to maintain my peace throughout the whole ordeal.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3, NKJV.

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m some kind of super spiritual person because the first thing I did was pray after I figured out my car was gone, because I’m not. I mess up ALL the TIME. It’s just that prayer has become a habit for me whenever something goes wrong. I do it almost without thinking, and it’s gotten to the point that it’s not just a last resort.

16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV.

So what the devil intended for evil God used for good, and I am so grateful!!

I don’t know how I managed to end up talking about my car, when I started out talking about inner healing during my therapy. But maybe it does connect, because it’s all about God’s sovereignty, and how it works in my life.

YIPPEE!!

Jan24

Writer’s Block Is Not a Block of Writers…

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Writer’s Block Is Not a Block of Writers…

…though it might be nice if it were, because then I’d have people around to motivate me to write. I’ve had the hardest time even wanting to write, which is unusual for me, because I love writing. Committing my thoughts to (computer) paper is one of my favorite things to do, and when I can’t do it because I’ve lost the desire to write is frustrating and heartbreaking all rolled into one.

But I have to do something!! So maybe I’ll just sit down and write. Write what? I don’t know, but I have to do something to break the logjam! So I’ll write whatever comes into my head, or maybe I’ll use some of my poems. That’s what I’ll do, I’ll use some of my poems. The first one is called The Murder of a Soul.

Many eyes watching, but ignoring
the obvious pain, the visible wound.
Many ears hearing, but denying
the silent scream, the cry of agony.
Many people knowing, but spurning
the knowledge of the murder of a soul.

But…

Though eyes ignored, the stars saw.
Though ears denied, the rocks heard.
Though people spurned, God knew
and wept.

S.A. Kuriakos & Elliot
©July 14, 1990

I wrote this poem after I figured out that I started picking holes in my cuticles when I was about two years old because I was trying to get someone, anyone, to notice that I was in peril because of Harry’s threats and abuse.

O earth, do not conceal my blood. Let it cry out on my behalf. ~ Job 16:18, NLT.

I couldn’t use words because Harry had told me he would kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me, and he played Russian Roulette with one of his revolvers between my legs so I would understand that he meant what he said.

There was no way that I could know at two or three years old that the gun had blanks in it, so I believed him, and had to become a liar as a result. I forgive him for ruining my reputation! It took many years before anyone would believe that I wasn’t a liar, when I had no choice but to lie if I wanted to stay alive!

I forgive him for planting terror in my heart! I forgive him for being a monster!

And then there’s this little ditty, called simply Time.

Time.
A broad subject from beginning to end.
Irretrievable, irreplaceable commodity.
The only substance
present since just after God.
Visibly invisible,
invented by God
to forever
and indelibly
remind us of our mortality
and His immortality.

S.A. Kuriakos & Elliot
©June 21, 1990

And then there’s this lovely little poem written by one of my alters named Courtney, who was about three or four years old. She was very sweet and quite lovable. It’s called Things I Like. And because she was such a little girl her spelling and grammar weren’t very good at times.

I like ice cream.
My tongue becomes chocolate
for awhile.

I like butterflies.
They flit through the air
like rainbows dancing.

I like pussywillows.
Ther small furry kittys
on a stick.

I like crayons.
I can draw pictures
of inside my heart.

I like bears.
Ther fuzzy peple
safe to love.

I like hearts.
Maybe one will love me
someday?

S.A. Kuriakos & Courtney
©July 15, 1992

I wrote all these poems a long time ago, while I was still multiple. It would be another ten or more years before I would be integrated, and once I was integrated, sadly, I was no longer able to write poetry. For some reason that gift was lost once the alters who did that were integrated into the whole of who I am. I’ve always believed that writing poetry was a gift from God, and I’ve asked Him repeatedly to be able to do it again. I guess maybe I just need to be patient. On the other hand, the poetry was always used as an outlet for our pain, so maybe I need to be willing to give up that purpose to God, as well as be willing to accept another reason and motivation for its use.

And last but not least, there’s this one, called Remember Lot’s Wife, or Pillar of Salt.

Never look back,
your past will only haunt
and regret you.

Sweat drips
in salt-bloody heaps,
as I strain forward
while looking backward,
and run into trees on the way
because I can’t see the future
for looking at the past.

A pillar of salt is my destiny
unless I learn
to keep my heart looking forward.

S.A. Kuriakos
©January 23, 2025

Cool! I guess I’m not done writing poetry! I just finished that poem myself, without benefit of alters. Granted, I only edited the last couple of words, but it’s a start. It’s a start! Thank you Jesus!!

I started writing this post with the goal in mind of ending the long period of writer’s block, and just the fact that I was able to get as much down as I did with all the poems is very pleasing to me. But I like to end my posts with Scripture, so…

12Not that I have already attained this – that is, I have not already been perfected – but I strive to lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus also laid hold of me. 13Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead, 14with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 3:12-14, New English Translation.

Nov7

The Biggest Question

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The Biggest Question

What should I write about? This is the kind of question a writer might ask if they’re suffering from writer’s block. I don’t think I’m having that problem here, because it’s only been a few days since I published my last post, but thus far anyway, I’m drawing a blank. I’m seeking God’s wisdom on what to write about, as I always do, but as it stands now, I’ve got nothing. I don’t expect it to remain that way, and it is 4 a.m. so I’m probably just tired, but I think I need to put my brain in before I can come up with a topic.

So maybe I should go to bed.

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalm 4:8, NKJV.

3He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. 4Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. ~ Psalm 121:3-4, NKJV.

I find Psalm 121 to be very comforting. It tells me that I can sleep well because God isn’t sleeping at all. He’s protecting me instead.

It is a waste of time to get up early and stay up late, trying to make a living. The Lord provides for those he loves, even while they are sleeping. ~ Psalm 127:2, Easy-to-Read Version.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19, NKJV.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ~ Philippians 4:11, NLT.

I’m preaching to myself with all these Scripture verses, and it’s now about 5:30 the next afternoon. Trump won the election, so I’m feeling like maybe there’s hope for my beloved country (I started writing this about 4 a.m. on November 6, 2024).

And for anyone who might disagree with me on this, I didn’t vote for Trump the person. I voted for platforms and policies. I voted for the people who will kill the fewest number of preborn babies. I voted for the people who will most support and protect the nation of Israel.

I voted for the people who will most support and protect traditional marriage (i.e. between a man and a woman). I voted for the people who will most support and protect the traditional family. I voted for the people who will most support and protect our children from LGBTQ+, and transgender ideologies, and who will most support and protect the original intent of Title IX.

I voted for the people who will most protect and defend our borders from illegal aliens, and who will most support and protect the Constitution and Bill of Rights of this nation as they were originally drafted by our Founding Fathers.

I don’t have a problem with welcoming immigrants to come here, as long as they do it legally, and as long as they aren’t coming here with the intention of committing crimes against American citizens. If you want to commit crimes while you’re here, then don’t come. Go someplace else to do your dirty work. That might not sound very Christian of me, but God expects us to obey the laws of the land, and if you don’t do that, then you can expect to pay the consequences, no matter where you’re from. If you end up in prison, I might come and visit you so I can tell you about how much Jesus loves you, and died to save you from your sins.

1Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. 2So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. ~ Romans 13:1-2, NLT.

This post kind of ended up going in a different direction than I had intended, but I’ve always used this blog for my own personal issues concerning my healing. And now that I’m doing so much better, I’m kind of sensing that the Lord wants me to use it to speak up for righteousness as well. It will take some courage on my part, because I’ve never been one to make waves. I’ve always preferred to be a little mouse in the corner because it was safer. When I was a kid, I couldn’t speak up, because if I did, Harry would get me in some pretty terrible ways. It just wasn’t safe when he was around. I had to protect myself in order to stay alive, and even though I didn’t know it at the time, God was protecting me too, something for which I will always be grateful.

But, thank God, Harry is dead, as I wrote about back on January 17, 2020, so while I’m sad that he’s gone (because that means there’s no hope now for him to get saved), I no longer have to be afraid. I’m safe now. I can speak up without fear of what man will do to me.

So from now on, from time to time, I may write about things that aren’t related to me and my healing specifically, but that are meaningful to me in other ways ~ ways that are about promoting righteousness, and promoting a biblical worldview. I do have opinions about things in our culture, but I’ve never expressed them before, because I was always afraid of what other people might think of me. I’m no longer afraid, however. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me except my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He’s the only One whose opinion matters to me, because He’s the only One Who can get me into Heaven where He is. And I want to be where He is! I want to see His lovely face! I want to look Him in the eyes, and tell Him how much I love Him, and how grateful I am for everything He’s done for me!

I want to end with a quote from a poem by 19th century missionary, Charles Thomas Studd:

“Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.”
~ Charles Thomas Studd

That’s what’s important to me now. It’s always been important to me, but more and more, I’m realizing just how important and necessary it is to make sure that whatever I do is done for the glory of God.

Mar21

Beauty from Ashes

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Today is my birthday (though by the time this is published it’ll be the day after my birthday). I’m seventy-one years old, and I’m so grateful to God that He’s brought me this far. I have SOOO MUCH to be grateful for! First and foremost, there’s the Cross of Christ, of course, but God has been saving my life my whole life long. His goodness and mercy towards me are absolutely unfathomable.

I wrote a post back on November 27, 2023, entitled I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help) that pretty much sums it all up for me. God’s goodness has been the guiding force behind my whole life, whether I knew it or not, and I’m so grateful to God for His kindness and goodness in my life. I’m kind of at a loss for words, because there aren’t enough words to express how much gratitude I feel.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:4-6, NKJV.

I have a thing for beauty, and I feel like God has made my life into something beautiful. He didn’t have much to work with, because I was a thoroughgoing mess. Psalm 23:4-6 is my life in a nutshell. I walked through the valley of the shadow of death throughout my childhood, because I was always afraid that one or the other of my parents were going to do me in if I did something they didn’t like. My mother tried it a number of times when I was a baby, and my father threatened to do so if I told anyone what he was doing to me. But God was protecting me, so I really could “fear no evil”, because God was with me.

To me that’s God creating beauty out of ugliness, and as God has healed me over the years, I feel like He’s prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemy, the devil, because God and I get the last laugh. The devil tried hard to destroy me but failed, and between me and God, he will always fail, because my life is committed to God, and Jesus is my Lord, and the Holy Spirit is my helper and advocate. So goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever! AMEN!!

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. ~ Colossians 3:16, KJV.

Feb4

I’ve Got an Itch to Scratch

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Every once in a while I get the itch to write, and when I do I know I’d better scratch it, because if I don’t, I could be setting myself up for a rip-roaring case of writer’s block, and I really don’t want that. Thus the reason for this post.

My desire is always to represent Christ well in my day-to-day dealings ~ in the way I treat other people, in the way I interact online, and in the way I utilize the financial resources God has blessed me with. And it’s that last that gives me the biggest problem. I love giving to ministries that are doing God’s work, preaching the Gospel to unreached people-groups, and making sure that the Bible gets into the hands of every person who wants or needs one, regardless of what language they speak.

The problem I have is that when I donate to a ministry, almost immediately I start getting letters from other organizations and ministries that I’ve never given money to, who say they urgently need my money. Sometimes they go so far as to say on the outside of the envelope that children will die if I don’t send them my money. I don’t even know how they got my name and address, and I feel incredibly manipulated by their tactics. Sometimes they include money in the envelope (a nickel or a dime; one time it was a quarter), and many times they also insert sheet upon sheet of address labels, as if giving me a bunch of address labels will make me grateful enough to respond by sending them my money. One organization even sent a tee shirt. A tee shirt, for goodness’ sake!

NO! My giving must be motivated by the Holy Spirit and no one else, and certainly not by manipulation and strings attached to the requests of whatever organization. On the face of it, these organizations are probably worthy causes, but the way they go about their campaigns leaves a great deal to be desired, at least in my book. It may be that I’m the only one in all of Christendom who has a problem with this, and it may be that I’m ultra sensitive to the manipulation because of my background, but whatever the reason, it’s a real problem for me.

You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.” ~ 2 Corinthians 9:7, NLT.

Every month I get all worried that I’ve blown it because I should have given to some organization that sent me a solicitation for money using one or more of the tactics mentioned above, plus I feel anxious that maybe I’m being a selfish jerk because I don’t want to give to some ministry who sent me a tee shirt or whatever.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I love giving to God’s work in the world. I love being able to further the Name of Jesus, to help in preaching the Gospel of Christ, seeing people getting saved, and knowing that I had a part in making that happen. But I don’t love giving to organizations that manipulated me into sending them my money. That makes me feel resentful, and I can’t imagine God is pleased with that, either on the ministry’s end because of the tactics they used to convince me to donate to them, or on my end because I’m not giving with a joyful heart. Interestingly, the Greek word for “cheerful” is the same word from which we get the word “hilarious”. So you could interpret that to mean that God loves a hilarious giver. How cool is that! I like that! Therefore if I can’t give to a ministry hilariously, then I won’t give to them at all!

In the first place, I’m not writing this to please anyone except God, and He knows I’m not selfish. And as far as being afraid that I’ve blown it because I didn’t donate to whatever cause that arrives in my mailbox, as I was writing about it in the previous paragraph, I was reminded of that verse in First John,

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. ~ 1 John 4:18, NKJV.

I realized that what I was feeling was fear when I thought of trying to figure out what ministries to donate to, because I was afraid of displeasing God if I chose the wrong ones. Pleasing God has always been central to my life as a Christian. It guides my thoughts and actions. I write this blog because I want to please Him, and because He’s eminently worthy of being worshiped.

And then I realized that, paradoxically, as strange as it sounds, maybe I’m trying too hard to please God. It says in the Book of Hebrews,

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. ~ Hebrews 11:6, NKJV.

I already have all the ingredients necessary for pleasing God! I believe He exists, and I diligently seek Him all the time, everyday. Hebrews 11:6 says that you must have faith if you want to please God. There was never a time in my life when I stopped believing in God’s existence. Many people who’ve endured what I’ve gone through decide at some point that God doesn’t exist ~ they become atheists. Their thinking is that if God were real, He would have done something to help them ~ He would have put a stop to the abuse ~ and since He didn’t, therefore He doesn’t exist.

I’m not sure why that never happened to me, but I’m extremely grateful that it didn’t. I never, ever want to lose my relationship with God! My faith is the most important part of my life, and I’d be utterly bereft without it.

So maybe I already have faith, and therefore I already am pleasing to God! Wow! That’s quite a revelation to me. What it means is that I can quit striving so hard and just rest in His love. I really like the sound of that.

15Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. ~ 1 John 4:15-16, NKJV.

It feels like that verse is describing me. Jesus Christ is definitely the Son of God as far as I’m concerned ~ the Bible says He is, and He called Himself the Son of God on a number of occasions, so that settles it for me.

30And truly Jesus did many other signs in the presence of His disciples, which are not written in this book; 31but these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in His name. ~ John 20:30-31, NKJV.

69“Hereafter the Son of Man will sit on the right hand of the power of God.” 70Then they all said, “Are You then the Son of God?” So He said to them, “You rightly say that I am.” 71And they said, “What further testimony do we need? For we have heard it ourselves from His own mouth.” ~ Luke 22:69-71, NKJV.

My friend suggested that I change the way I think about the ministries I donate my money to. She suggested I ask God to show me a few specific organizations to give to, and pretty much ignore the ones that come in the mail beyond that, unless the Lord sends a bolt of lightning to strike the envelope for the specific ministry He wants me to contribute to. I already know the few specific ministries, because I’ve been giving to them for a while now, so I guess my problem is already solved. Plus, as I referenced above, God loves a cheerful giver, as it says in 2 Corinthians 9:7, and the word “cheerful” is the same word that we get the word “hilarious” from. I really like the idea of being able to give to God hilariously, with a joyful heart. That makes it sound fun.

Just following my friend’s suggestion has given me a great deal of peace. I no longer feel any anxiety about whether I’m doing it right, or whether I’m making God mad because I’m not giving to all the ministries that send me requests for money in my mail.

What a relief!! Thank you Jesus!!

Nov27

I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help)

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As I’ve had time to reflect over this Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve come to realize that God’s faithfulness has stood me in good stead throughout my life. Regardless of the circumstance He has protected me, saved me from the worst of my father’s atrocities, and kept me alive when my life was threatened ~ as it was on many occasions.

6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, 7rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. ~ Colossians 2:6-7, NIV.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28, NKJV.

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands. ~ Psalm 138:8, NKJV.

And I especially like the way the New Living Translation renders it,

The LORD will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me. ~ Psalm 138:8, NLT.

I can hear some of you saying, “Are you going to tell me that God is using what you went through as a child as a part of His plan for you?” Yes, I believe God is using my childhood as a part of His plan for my life. It’s an uncomfortable thought, but my childhood, as horrific and painful as it was, has brought me closer to God. Knowing that God was protecting me from the worst of the abuse, and saving my life ~ even from my own suicide attempts, of which there were many ~ has made me glad to be alive, and so grateful to God for His efforts on my behalf that my appreciation and thankfulness know no bounds. I’m extremely grateful for the Cross, and I want nothing more than to know God, and to know Jesus, and to know the Holy Spirit, and to serve Them. It’s the least I can do after all They’ve done for me!

In addition to all the other things I’ve described above, I feel a closeness to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit that I never thought possible, and a peace and contentment and happiness that I never could have dreamed of, especially given what I’ve lived through. I can always sense the presence of God, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He hears and answers my prayers regardless of how long it takes for the answer to come. I don’t want that to sound arrogant, because that’s certainly not how I intend it, and I know many people who really struggle in that area, besides which, I’ve contended with unanswered prayer myself.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve got it all together, because I certainly don’t. I’m a sinner just like everyone else, and I need God’s mercy and grace just like the rest of you. I get frustrated and angry the same as everyone else, and I have to cry out to God for help on a regular basis. I’m just grateful that He’s available for me to be able to do that!

8Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ 9and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! ~ Philippians 3:8-11, NLT.

I love this passage from the Book of Philippians. The all-encompassing, all-consuming desire of my life has become to know Christ, and to learn to love Him more and more. We can all learn to love Jesus more. There are always greater depths to plumb in knowing God. One of the best things about God is His mysteriousness! That’s one of my favorite things about reading His Word ~ you can learn more about Him by reading the Bible.

“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” ~ Luke 7:47, NLT.

7The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; 8The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; 9The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. 10More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. ~ Psalm 19:7-10, NKJV.

God has forgiven me of many sins, and as a consequence I love Him a LOT, and I love His Word a lot. Reading the Bible has changed my life in so many ways, which are marvelously described in the above quoted passage of Scripture from the Book of Psalms.

I’ve been meandering and wandering around throughout this post, and I’m not sure that I’ve made myself clear. I mean, I understand what I’m getting at. I’m just not sure that anyone else does. What it all boils down to is that, as the title says, I will never, never, EVER doubt God’s goodness, (with God’s help). He’s brought me through too much for me to ever doubt that He has my best interests at heart. I feel the need to qualify that never, never, ever however, because I can’t do anything without God’s help, nor do I want to.

Well, I guess that’s it! Maybe I wasn’t rambling and digressing as much as I thought I was!

Aug27

No Such Thing as a Mistake

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I’ve been wanting to learn how to paint, and I even went so far as to tell my cousin, who’s a professional artist, that information. She responded by ordering some art supplies from Dick Blick, which was really cool, but which kind of scared me, because that meant I actually had to produce some artwork using the materials she sent me.

I love doing art, but I have an ambivalent, love-hate relationship with it, and with anything creative ~ making art, performing music, etc., etc. Doing creative activities fills me with fear because of the spectre of Harry threatening me if I make a mistake.

Whenever I would practice the piano as a child, if I made a mistake, Harry would stand behind me. But it wasn’t just that he was standing behind me. He stood behind me with no clothes on. His private parts were right at eye level, and he would snarl at me, “Do that again and you’ll regret it!” in a low voice so that only I could hear him. And because he was standing there naked, I knew what the punishment would be for my mistake: I’d get raped.

So I froze. I couldn’t go on practicing because I was so terrified, at which point Harry would hiss, “What are you waiting for? Keep on playing! Keep on playing!” My fear level was so high, the likelihood of another mistake was just about 100%. It seemed like Harry wanted me to do it again just so he could rape me. He was just looking for an excuse.

Even now I can feel the terror that I felt back then, and I want to weep for that little girl that I was, but as much as I want to hate Harry, I can’t, because I know God loves him as much as He loves me, so I choose to forgive him.

I don’t remember what happened after that, but suffice it to say that I’ve always had a hard time playing classical music, as much as I love doing it. Worship music is easier once I get going, but I haven’t played any music at all for many years, and artwork is also difficult for me for the same reason. I’m terrified I’ll make a mistake.

I was talking about this with McT during my last session, and the thought occurred to me that with God there’s no such thing as a mistake. Mistakes are under the blood of Christ. They were dealt with at the Cross, and I don’t have to be afraid of them anymore. Now I have to figure out how take that idea into my heart so I can act on it and actually begin to make art.

That’s the puzzle. That’s the conundrum. How do I act on it and begin to make art? I think I just have to step out in faith and start!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ Hebrews 11:1, NKJV.

It’s funny. I don’t have a problem doing counted cross stitch, even when I make mistakes and have to frog something I’m working on (frogging is when you’ve made a mistake and have to rip something out; you know, rippit rippit rippit), which is what’s happening with my current project. It’s a sampler by Long Dog Samplers called Jouissance, and it’s really beautiful. I’ve provided a link to it so you can see a picture of what it’s supposed to look like, but I might include a pic of it here as well, partly because I’m using a different colorway than what was originally called for. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make the images here smaller, to no avail, so what you see is what you get. They’re both a little blurred and larger than I’d like, but I think you can get an idea of what it looks like.

The Original Version of Jouissance

As I said, I’m having a problem with this project, because I discovered last night that I’ve miscounted, so I’ll have to frog some stitches or else my count will be off for the whole project. Fortunately I’m not that far along, but it’s annoying that I have to rip out these stitches because it’s the second time I’m having to do so. I miscounted it in the same spot a couple of days ago because I keep mixing up which end of the chart is up.

My Version of Jouissance

SILLY ME!!

I’ll have to label the top of the chart in big bold letters so I can’t make the mistake again, because I really hate having to frog my stitches! It slows my progress and it can be discouraging if I let it get me down.

I’m not sure why cross stitching is different than other kinds of creativity as far as my ability to do it without fear, but it is, and I love doing it.

It seems to me that mistakes in artwork can be thought of as creative variances or differences. You can use them to explore new creative pathways and experiments, and I’m thinking maybe that’s what I should do with the art materials my wonderful cousin sent me. I should play with them and have fun with them. If I can do that with them, then maybe learning how to paint with them won’t be so scary, and it’ll be easier to experiment with them like I’ve been thinking of doing.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

That’s all I can think of at this point, so I think I’ll stop here. If nothing else I have to frog those miscounted stitches on my project so I can start making progress again. Oh well! But at least I caught the mistakes early so it won’t take much effort to fix them.

Onward and upward!

Aug17

In Spite of Me

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I’m so grateful for God’s faithfulness! Even when I’m running around, doing my level best to go against what I know God wants me to do, God is still there, loving me and pointing me in the right direction.

19I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 20I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. 21Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 22Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:19-23, NIV.

If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is. ~ 2 Timothy 2:13, NLT.

I love the last part of that verse, “…for he cannot deny who he is.” It says everything about God and His attributes ~ His faithfulness, the fact that He always keeps His promises, the fact that He never lies, and so many other things about Him. So regardless of whether we are faithful to keep our promises to God, or not, He will always be faithful to who He is, because He can’t be any other way.

God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

I am SOOO GRATEFUL for that!! Throughout my childhood God was protecting me from the worst of the abuse. I didn’t know He was there, but He was keeping me alive ~ even when I didn’t want to be alive. God, in His sovereign mercy and grace, knew that better times were coming, and kept me alive so I would be able to experience them. And more importantly, He knew He had things for me to do once I was beyond the abuse.

I’m still trying to figure out what those things are. I know I’m supposed to be keeping this blog, and I’m supposed to be doing artsy-creative things like cross stitch, as well as other things that I’m only beginning to consider.

And probably most important of all, I’m supposed to grow more deeply in love with Him and His Word ~ which I have NO problem doing at all.

I can’t think of anything more to write about, though that may be because it’s about 2 a.m. So maybe I should just publish what I’ve written and be done with it.

I’m going to quote from Lamentations again because I need to be reminded that God is always faithful towards me. He has been my whole entire life, and because He never changes, His faithfulness will continue.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:21-23, NKJV.

So that’s it. God is faithful and He always will be, and as long as that’s true ~ and it always will be ~ then I have nothing to fear.