Category Archives: Gratitude

Apr7

Trusting God’s Sovereignty Instead of My Fear

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Trusting God’s Sovereignty Instead of My Fear

I’ve always been terrified of the idea of marriage, mostly because I was afraid I’d have to have sex. But I’ve come to realize that maybe it’s better to follow God and let His sovereignty reign in my life than it is to let myself be ruled by fear.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

I came to this realization after reading a book called Danger In the Shadows by Christian fiction author Dee Henderson. It’s about a woman, whose name is Sara, who was kidnapped with her twin sister as a child, and now as an adult, the kidnapper, who was never caught, is still stalking her, so she lives in constant fear that he’ll find her and kill her.

Her sister died before they were found during the kidnapping, so now, as an adult, she’s made the decision that she can never marry or have children, because she doesn’t want to expose her children to the kind of danger and pain she was forced to experience when she was a child.

She’s a Christian, and she’s trusted Christ her whole life (Henderson quotes Scripture throughout the story), but she can’t quite bring herself to trust God enough to allow herself to marry and have children because she can’t predict what God will permit in her life. He might allow the same thing to happen to one of her children that happened to her, and she’s positive she couldn’t handle that.

As I was reading the story, I became conscious of the fact that I was doing the same thing as Sara was (interesting that her name was the same as mine, but spelled different ~ my name is spelled with an “h” and hers is isn’t). All these years, I’ve lived a sexless life because I’ve been terrified I’d have to have sex if I ever met someone and got married. I’ve never allowed myself to contemplate even liking a guy, much less going out on a date with one.

On the other hand, there’s a big part of me that’s positive there’s no man on earth who would want to go out with me ~ but that’s beside the point. I wasn’t going to give anyone the chance to reject or like me. I’ve always been too afraid to try either way. There was one time many years ago that I tried going on a date with a guy ~ one date, and he turned out to be a slimeball and a jerk. I told him very specifically that I didn’t want him to touch me, but he decided no meant yes, and tried to kiss me.

Needless to say, that didn’t go over well!

And as far as I was concerned, he had proven my point that all men were like he was: jerks and slimeballs who were insufferable and reprehensible, and should be avoided at all costs.

That was back then.

Fortunately, I’ve grown since then, and I’ve come to realize he was human, and a sinner just like me, who needed salvation. I’ve learned to see him through the eyes of Jesus, and I’ve been able to forgive him. But until now, I still haven’t been able to allow any guys to get close enough to me to consider going out with any of them, much less take it any further than that.

So what to do now? What are my next steps? I really do want to change this! I saw McT today (Tuesday, April 1st), and he suggested we spend some time working on some inner healing next time, and that sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe if I can allow Jesus to come into some of the scenes that are so upsetting to me something will change.

So now, this is Sunday, five days since I saw McT, and you won’t believe how incredibly busy and chaotic my life has been since then. First, my car was stolen on Friday. My roommate and I were planning on taking her dog Minnie to the vet on Friday afternoon, so I went downstairs to get my car out of my garage, only to find the garage door open, and my car gone.

The minute I saw the garage door was open, I knew something was wrong, even before finding out that the car was gone, because I never leave the door open. So just the fact that the door was open was enough to tell me that something was amiss, and then when I looked inside and saw that the car was gone ~ well, then I started to pray, because I knew someone had stolen my car.

The first thing I prayed was that God would bring my car back to me, and then I asked God to forgive the person who stole it. And then I went back inside my apartment, because obviously we weren’t going to be taking Minnie to the vet, because my car was gone and we had no transportation. Then I called 9-1-1 and reported the car stolen, and they said they’d send an officer over to take a report. After that I called my insurance company to file a claim.

A sheriff’s deputy from the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department arrived at 5:17 p.m. to take a report on my stolen car.

Almost four hours later, at 8:40 p.m., I got a call from the Pomona police department saying they had found my car, and they said it was still drivable.

It was gone less than four hours, and it was still drivable!!! How cool is that?!

God is SOOO GOOD!!! He is so good to me!!!

I was able to pick it up Saturday morning from an impound lot in Pomona, though I did have to pay about $500 to get them to release it. And here’s the funny part: the person who took it washed it and cleaned out the inside, so I got it back in better condition than it was before they took it.

Another interesting point is that the thief left a couple of backpacks and duffel bags full of clothes in the car, as well as two pairs of Air Jordans, some drug paraphernalia, and several pairs of needle nose pliers.

And the coolest thing of all is that I was able, with God’s help, to maintain my peace throughout the whole ordeal.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3, NKJV.

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m some kind of super spiritual person because the first thing I did was pray after I figured out my car was gone, because I’m not. I mess up ALL the TIME. It’s just that prayer has become a habit for me whenever something goes wrong. I do it almost without thinking, and it’s gotten to the point that it’s not just a last resort.

16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NKJV.

So what the devil intended for evil God used for good, and I am so grateful!!

I don’t know how I managed to end up talking about my car, when I started out talking about inner healing during my therapy. But maybe it does connect, because it’s all about God’s sovereignty, and how it works in my life.

YIPPEE!!

Feb25

Hmm… What Should I Write About?

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Hmm… What Should I Write About?

How’s that for a title? I wonder if King David ever sat down to write a psalm and pondered on what he should write about before he started. I can picture him sitting before a vintage typewriter with a blank piece of papyrus in it. Now, obviously, King David didn’t have a typewriter back when he was alive. He had a quill with papyrus, so I’m taking great poetic license here. Regardless of that, however, it’s fun to imagine King David with a little bit of writer’s block.

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

The above psalm was actually written by the sons of Korah rather than King David, but it’s my go-to Scripture as concerns all things writing, and I haven’t been able to find a better one. I’d love to find a verse where the psalmist talks about struggling to write, but I don’t know if one exists. There are 31,102 verses in the whole Bible, which translates to 23,145 verses in the Old Testament and 7,957 verses in the New Testament. There seems to be a verse for everyone and every circumstance, so maybe, just maybe, there’s a verse for people struggling with writer’s block. I just have to find it. O God, please help me find it if it exists!

Then, last night as I was sitting in my car reading in the book of Luke, God showed me something. My roommate had to take her dog to the vet, and then she had to go to Albertsons. So I went with her and sat in the car reading my Bible while she did her errands at the vet and the market.

I was reading in Luke Four, where Jesus was in the wilderness for forty days being tempted by the devil.

1Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan River and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, 2where for forty days he endured temptations from the devil. … 5Then the devil led him up to a high place and showed him in a flash all the kingdoms of the world. 6And he said to him, “To you I will grant this whole realm – and the glory that goes along with it, for it has been relinquished to me, and I can give it to anyone I wish. 7So then, if you will worship me, all this will be yours.” 8Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘You are to worship the Lord your God and serve only him.'” ~ Luke 4:1-2, 5-8 [Deuteronomy 6:13], NET.

What God showed me had to do specifically with Satan’s statement to Jesus that he would give Him all his authority if He would just fall down and worship him. And it occurred to me that there’s no way Satan would actually keep that promise. In the first place, Satan is a liar. Jesus said in John 8,

For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. ~ John 8:44, NLT.

Jesus was talking to the Pharisees in this verse, but He was talking about Satan. My point in quoting John 8:44 is to show that the devil is a liar. In fact, as Jesus said, “Satan is the father of lies.”

So when the devil told Jesus that he would give Him all his authority in Luke 4:6, I don’t believe he had any intention of keeping that promise. He couldn’t keep it because if he had, it would have reversed everything he’d managed to accomplish since Adam and Eve gave in to him in the Garden of Eden. It would have been catastrophic for him if he’d done that.

On the other hand, if Jesus had accepted Satan’s challenge and taken him up on his offer, then Satan wouldn’t have had to give up his authority, because Jesus would have started worshiping someone other than the Father, which would have broken the First Commandment.

You shall have no other gods before me. ~ Exodus 20:3, NET.

You must not have any other god but me. Deuteronomy 5:7, NLT.

I think the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit had a plan that They’d come up with before the beginning of time, before Adam and Eve were ever created, to save humanity, because They knew from the very beginning that we were going to blow it.

19but [you were actually purchased] with precious blood, like that of a [sacrificial] lamb unblemished and spotless, the priceless blood of Christ. 20For He was foreordained (foreknown) before the foundation of the world, but has appeared [publicly] in these last times for your sake ~ 1 Peter 1:19-20, AMP.

And the Amplified Bible included a footnote with the word foreordained from verse 20: “The Son of God always existed and it was always known that He would be the Redeemer of mankind.”

Additionally, Jesus knew in advance that He would go to the Cross and sacrifice His life for us, and He did it willingly.

17This is why the Father loves me – because I lay down my life, so that I may take it back again. 18No one takes it away from me, but I lay it down of my own free will. I have the authority to lay it down, and I have the authority to take it back again. This commandment I received from my Father.” ~ John 10:17-18, NET.

I like the way the New Living Translation transcribes it as well:

17“The Father loves me because I sacrifice my life so I may take it back again. 18No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.” ~ John 10:17-18, NLT.

I could be wrong about this. I’m wrong about a lot of things, but it makes sense scripturally. I kind of feel like I’m going out on a limb here, but I read it to McT, my therapist, and he likes it, so I think I’m going to go with it.

Well, I think that’s it. It’s taken me a really long time to write this post, but I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. It was thought provoking, as well as prayer provoking, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that! Plus I learned a bunch of stuff into the bargain, and I love being able to do that. I hope everyone enjoys reading it!

Jan28

The Us of Millions Becomes the Me of One, Thank God!

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The Us of Millions Becomes the Me of One, Thank God!

January 28, 2025, 2:15 p.m.
I’ve decided I’m going to try and write everyday, as much as possible. The question, and the problem, is, what do I write about? I’ve never been very good at extemporaneous spontaneity. My mind doesn’t work that fast. I watch TV shows like Who’s Line Is It Anyway? and, in between laughing helplessly at the goofy stuff they do, I wonder how they can come up with all that hilarity so quickly, without thinking about it ahead of time. They manage to pull it off seemingly without rehearsals or any kind of preplanning at all. I don’t know if that’s what actually happens, but that’s certainly the way it looks.

I’m going to include another one of my poems, called The Us of Millions. I wrote it in March of 1990, 13 years before I was integrated in March of 2003. When I wrote this poem, I didn’t think wholeness was possible. Thank God, I was wrong!

My life is composed of blanks and holes,
each one a fragment from a shattered whole.

Each thought a shard,
each event a splinter of death,
camouflaged ground-brown
with the mud of denial.

My life it was,
the priceless vase that contained my soul,
that was my Self,
smashed by maddened tyranny
while yet under potter’s hands.

I purge away the mud
with tears of remembering,
only to find that what was can no longer be,
my baby Self shattered
into splintered confusion.

There is no glue that piece to piece can bring
to peace,
and the I that was Me is forever
the Us of Millions.

S.A. Kuriakos & Elliot
©March 6, 1990

Well, that was fun! I’m learning all kinds of new things in the process of writing blog posts. I decided to include the above poem, and I figured out how to do it using this thing called a Verse Block in WordPress, but I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the Verse Block and back into the regular Paragraph Block. It turns out it’s as simple as clicking on a different button, and I was making a much bigger deal out of it than I needed to. Way cool! Blogging is getting simpler and easier all the time!

Yippee!!

It’s now 6:03 on the 28th, and I’ve managed to accomplish a great deal with God’s help in a little under four hours.

I’m very grateful and glad to know that what I thought was hopeless back when I wrote that poem, wasn’t hopeless at all, but only appeared to be impossible to fix. I forgot that with God ALL things are possible,

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.” ~ Mark 10:27, NKJV.

1Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: 2by whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that  tribulation worketh patience; 4and patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. ~ Romans 5:1-5, KJV.

I love this passage from the Book of Romans, because it sort of tells the story of my life in a nutshell, and I’m so grateful to God for all the marvelous work He’s done in me to bring me as far as He has. I give Him all the glory, because I certainly couldn’t have done any of it myself, and if He’s brought me this far, I know He’ll take me the rest of the way until my healing is complete,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6, NLT.

And with that I think I’m done with today’s writing!

Thank you Jesus!!

Nov20

Draped In Cats

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Draped In Cats

It looks like this is going to be one of those rambling posts where I talk about whatever pops into my head, mostly because I can’t think of anything to write about. Some people would call that writer’s block. I prefer to call it… I don’t know what I would call it, but I don’t want to call it that. So I’ll just write about anything at all, and pray that God shows me what He wants me to say at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later. I don’t want to say nothing at all. If I’m to be a writer, then I should write.

It kind of feels like I’m babbling at the moment, but I’m trusting that God will lead my meanderings so that I’ll actually end up talking about something specific rather than nothing at all. And then I’m reminded of Psalm 45,

My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer. ~ Psalm 45:1, NKJV.

I love that verse from Psalm 45! I love thinking that God is guiding my writing so that my words are like the “pen of a ready writer,” so that even my most paltry and trivial scribbles might be used to glorify God.

And I finally figured out what this post is supposed to be about, so I can stop meandering.

As I was laying in bed this morning, I noticed that Solomon and Gracie were draped all over me, as they often are when I awaken, and I decided to take a picture of them. And, to my surprise, it actually turned out well. I’ve tried taking photos of them festooned on me after I wake up, and the pics haven’t turned out, but this one did, and I’m very pleased. They generally arrange themselves on me after I go to sleep, and when I wake up the next morning I find myself bedecked with cats, and I just love it when that happens.

There’s something very comforting about having a cat sleeping on you, especially if it’s purring, and I’m blessed to have not one, but two cats doing it. God has favored me greatly!

When I was a child I had a cat named Dennis the Menace. He was an orange tabby cat with blue eyes, and he was wonderful. He definitely lived up to his name, but he was my friend. I think he was sent to me by God, because I didn’t have any friends back then. I was unaware that God was watching over me and protecting me from Harry, but Dennis was always right there beside me, and I could tell him anything.

He also had a nickname. Everywhere he went, his tail stuck straight up in the air, so we always called him Sail-tail. Even if we couldn’t see him, we could tell he was in the room, because we could see his tail floating around.

Regrettably, I never took a picture of him when we had him, because I didn’t have access to a camera, but the above photograph gives you a pretty good idea of what he looked like. He was beautiful, and most of all, he was my friend. I think he was an angel in disguise.

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. ~ Hebrews 13:2, ESV.

Dennis added a small amount of peace to my otherwise chaotic life. He provided a bit of respite when I felt desperate, and I don’t know if I could have survived without him. He was yet another thing for which I am immeasurably grateful to God, for without him I might not be here to tell my story.

And I’m so glad I survived so I can tell my story, because it’s God’s story more than it is mine. He gets all the glory, and that’s the way I want it to be.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! ~ Psalm 106: 1, ESV.

Nov7

The Biggest Question

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The Biggest Question

What should I write about? This is the kind of question a writer might ask if they’re suffering from writer’s block. I don’t think I’m having that problem here, because it’s only been a few days since I published my last post, but thus far anyway, I’m drawing a blank. I’m seeking God’s wisdom on what to write about, as I always do, but as it stands now, I’ve got nothing. I don’t expect it to remain that way, and it is 4 a.m. so I’m probably just tired, but I think I need to put my brain in before I can come up with a topic.

So maybe I should go to bed.

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalm 4:8, NKJV.

3He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. 4Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. ~ Psalm 121:3-4, NKJV.

I find Psalm 121 to be very comforting. It tells me that I can sleep well because God isn’t sleeping at all. He’s protecting me instead.

It is a waste of time to get up early and stay up late, trying to make a living. The Lord provides for those he loves, even while they are sleeping. ~ Psalm 127:2, Easy-to-Read Version.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19, NKJV.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ~ Philippians 4:11, NLT.

I’m preaching to myself with all these Scripture verses, and it’s now about 5:30 the next afternoon. Trump won the election, so I’m feeling like maybe there’s hope for my beloved country (I started writing this about 4 a.m. on November 6, 2024).

And for anyone who might disagree with me on this, I didn’t vote for Trump the person. I voted for platforms and policies. I voted for the people who will kill the fewest number of preborn babies. I voted for the people who will most support and protect the nation of Israel.

I voted for the people who will most support and protect traditional marriage (i.e. between a man and a woman). I voted for the people who will most support and protect the traditional family. I voted for the people who will most support and protect our children from LGBTQ+, and transgender ideologies, and who will most support and protect the original intent of Title IX.

I voted for the people who will most protect and defend our borders from illegal aliens, and who will most support and protect the Constitution and Bill of Rights of this nation as they were originally drafted by our Founding Fathers.

I don’t have a problem with welcoming immigrants to come here, as long as they do it legally, and as long as they aren’t coming here with the intention of committing crimes against American citizens. If you want to commit crimes while you’re here, then don’t come. Go someplace else to do your dirty work. That might not sound very Christian of me, but God expects us to obey the laws of the land, and if you don’t do that, then you can expect to pay the consequences, no matter where you’re from. If you end up in prison, I might come and visit you so I can tell you about how much Jesus loves you, and died to save you from your sins.

1Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. 2So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. ~ Romans 13:1-2, NLT.

This post kind of ended up going in a different direction than I had intended, but I’ve always used this blog for my own personal issues concerning my healing. And now that I’m doing so much better, I’m kind of sensing that the Lord wants me to use it to speak up for righteousness as well. It will take some courage on my part, because I’ve never been one to make waves. I’ve always preferred to be a little mouse in the corner because it was safer. When I was a kid, I couldn’t speak up, because if I did, Harry would get me in some pretty terrible ways. It just wasn’t safe when he was around. I had to protect myself in order to stay alive, and even though I didn’t know it at the time, God was protecting me too, something for which I will always be grateful.

But, thank God, Harry is dead, as I wrote about back on January 17, 2020, so while I’m sad that he’s gone (because that means there’s no hope now for him to get saved), I no longer have to be afraid. I’m safe now. I can speak up without fear of what man will do to me.

So from now on, from time to time, I may write about things that aren’t related to me and my healing specifically, but that are meaningful to me in other ways ~ ways that are about promoting righteousness, and promoting a biblical worldview. I do have opinions about things in our culture, but I’ve never expressed them before, because I was always afraid of what other people might think of me. I’m no longer afraid, however. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me except my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He’s the only One whose opinion matters to me, because He’s the only One Who can get me into Heaven where He is. And I want to be where He is! I want to see His lovely face! I want to look Him in the eyes, and tell Him how much I love Him, and how grateful I am for everything He’s done for me!

I want to end with a quote from a poem by 19th century missionary, Charles Thomas Studd:

“Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.”
~ Charles Thomas Studd

That’s what’s important to me now. It’s always been important to me, but more and more, I’m realizing just how important and necessary it is to make sure that whatever I do is done for the glory of God.

Jun8

Back to Sweetness and Light

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Back to Sweetness and Light

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5, NKJV.

My last post, A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven, was a particularly difficult one, as were a number of the posts previous to it. So I’ve decided that those posts were the weeping part of Psalm 30:5, and from here on, at least for a while, morning has come and everything is going to be joyful, as it says in the last part of the verse. Thus my title. No more doom and gloom, and back to sweetness and light. The last post was an important one that needed to be brought out in the open, but I need a break.

So this post is going to be a meandering potpourri of stuff I’m thinking about, and things I’m learning in my Bible reading, etc., etc. With that in mind, I found the coolest verse in Job 9 the other day. Well, actually I found a whole lot of cool verses in Job, partly because that’s where I’m reading, and partly because I love the Book of Job.

God is wise in heart and mighty in strength. Who has hardened himself against Him and prospered? ~ Job 9: 4, NKJV.

And I especially like the way the NIV renders it,

His wisdom is profound, His power is vast. Who has resisted Him and come out unscathed? Job 9:4, NIV.

Have you ever read a passage of Scripture and come across a verse you never saw before, and thought, “Where did that come from?” It was there all along, but you just missed it. That’s what happened to me with Job 9:4. When I read that verse I thought, “I’ve never seen that verse before!”, and then I was reminded of Pharaoh and the ten plagues (see Exodus 7 through Exodus 12), and King Herod Agrippa I (see Acts 12:20-23), and Ananias and Sapphira (see Acts 5:1-11), and most of all Lucifer himself (see Isaiah 14:12-15, Ezekiel 28:13-17, and Luke 10:17-18). All those people thought they were better than God in one way or another, and they found out the hard way that they weren’t. I don’t EVER want to be in that position! I’ve known for a long time that I would make a terrible God. In fact I wrote a post with that title, I Would Make a Terrible God back in September of 2019.

And then there’s this juicy passage from Job 40,

9Have you an arm like God? Or can you thunder with a voice like His? 10Then adorn yourself with majesty and splendor, And array yourself with glory and beauty. 11Disperse the rage of your wrath; look on everyone who is proud, and humble him. 12Look on everyone who is proud, and bring him low; tread down the wicked in their place. 13Hide them in the dust together, bind their faces in hidden darkness. 14Then I will also confess to you that your own right hand can save you. ~ Job 40: 9-14, NKJV.

It seems to me that God is saying to Job, “Job, can you be Me? If you can, then you can save yourself!” And since I know that no one can be God except for God Himself, quite obviously, no one, including Job, can save himself.

There are a number of other fascinating and interesting passages from Job that I could expound upon, but I think I’ll stop here. I love God’s Word, and I could go on and on talking about all the cool stuff I’ve found, but if I did that I’d be doing nothing but writing all day long. And while that would be a lot of fun, I would’t get anything else done. My cats would go hungry ~ well, maybe not. I doubt they’d let me get away with that.

I will worship toward Your holy temple, and praise Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth; for You have magnified Your word above all Your name. ~ Psalm 138:2, NKJV.

My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. ~ Psalm 45:1, NKJV.

And finally, as long as I’m meandering, here’s a poem I wrote a long time ago. It’s called “Words” and it was written back in September of 1991 while I was still multiple.

So many words in this wide world of mine—
There must be a billion, three-million and nine,
Or maybe a trillion—I know not of more,
But even a million’s enough for a door.

Words full of laughter, of light, and of hope,
Words that paint pictures for those who must grope
Through darkness and longing ’til dreams become real
And light in their tunnel means safety to feel.

Scrivening onward, word pictures I’ll paint
So others when thirsty won’t give up and faint.
Words will build true homes from castles on air
Where laughter and rainbows take place of despair.

I think that’s it. I’m done meandering. It’s been kind of fun, and I give all the glory to God. He’s the One who gave me the ability to write poetry in the first place, even if I haven’t been able to do it in awhile. Maybe it’ll come back someday. Even the featured image is kind of meandering. It’s a photograph of a beautiful hummingbird that I found, and I’ve only recently figured out how to add that, so I decided to try it. How cool is that!

God is SOOO GOOD!!!

Jun1

A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven

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1To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: … 7A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~ Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 7-8, NKJV.

The purpose of this blog is to educate people about the horrors of child abuse, and in particular sexual child abuse. There are a number of lies out there about what children experience when they’re being molested, and this is a big one.

This is going to be a hard post to write because it’s about a difficult subject. It’s hard for me to talk about and it’s difficult to write about, but I have to make the effort, because I need to bring it out in the open. As it says in the verse I quoted above, there’s a time to keep silence and there’s a time to speak. I hate what was done to me, and it’s time to talk about it.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been having flashbacks of moaning and grunting and groaning, and I couldn’t figure out what it was ~ if it was even a flashback. But then I remembered people telling me that if it felt good when Harry raped me (Harry is my biological father), all that was happening was that my body was reacting naturally to being sexually stimulated. Then I realized that my body wasn’t feeling pleasure as he was raping me. It was feeling pain. It HURT!! I was a small child and he was an adult male. My body was far too small for his adult-sized body parts. Then as he was forcing himself into me, and I was groaning from the pain, I could see him smiling.

Smiling?? Why was he smiling? Then it dawned on me: he thought I liked it. I liked it?!! I don’t THINK so!!

Knowing that Harry was so selfish and out of touch with my needs made me feel incredibly angry. It made me angry then and it makes me angry now, but I know I have to deal with it and forgive him.

I’ve been trying very hard to NOT deal with this memory since it came up. I’ve procrastinated on working on this post for days on end. It’s too painful, and it makes me too angry at Harry. It also makes me angry at my mother because she did nothing to stop him.

I don’t like feeling angry. It makes me feel out of control. But I know I have to get this dealt with. If I don’t take care of it then it will fester like an old wound that gets infected and fills with pus, and I really don’t want that. So I have to stop dithering about and just do it, regardless of how bad it feels, because, as it says in the Psalms, tears may last for a few hours, but with the new day comes joy.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. ~ Psalm 30: 5, NKJV.

I really want that joy, and I really want to please God, so I’m going to finish working through this memory, and forgive Harry and my mother, so I can publish this post.

I forgive you, Harry! I love you, regardless of what you did to me! I want the best for you!

I forgive you, Mom! I love you no matter what! I want the best for you!

Joy comes in the morning, and I pray that morning is here!

22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3: 22-23, NKJV.

May20

God Likes Humility

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The dictionary definition of humility is, the quality of a modest view of one’s value or importance. Another way of thinking about it is this,

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others. Humble people are so focused on serving others, they don’t think of themselves.” ~ Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2012), 148.

The above quote has been misattributed to C.S. Lewis many times, but it’s actually Rick Warren who said it in The Purpose Driven Life.

Moses was a very humble man, more so than anyone on the face of the earth. ~ Numbers 12:3, Christian Standard Bible.

But the Lord said, “My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.” So I will gladly boast about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can stay in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9, Easy-to-Read Version.

I want more than anything to have Christ’s power to stay in me! I don’t want it to ever, EVER leave me, because if God’s power left, that would mean God left, and I couldn’t live with that!

8Three different times I begged God to make me well again. 9Each time he said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities. 10Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite happy about “the thorn,” and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, The Living Bible.

For me, humility is simply admitting and accepting that I need God. I need Him every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I can’t do anything without Him. I need Him with every particle of my being. I need His wisdom. I need His help, and most of all, I need His salvation to save me from my Self and my sinfulness. I can accept my weakness, because, as Paul said, when I am weak, then I am strong. The weaker I am, the more I have to depend on God’s power.

Sometimes accepting my own weakness is a hard thing to do, especially when I make a mistake. I struggle with pride, because it’s very difficult for me to accept that I’m not perfect. I had to be perfect when I was little, and of course, there was no way I could be, so when I made a mistake I suffered terrible consequences because of it. I know I struggle with pride, and that’s one of the many reasons I need God, because it’s only with God’s help that I can let go of my pride. I don’t know if it’s possible for a human to be free of pride this side of Heaven, but I think it’s a good goal to strive for with God’s help. I suppose that’s the essence of humility ~ to be free of pride and recognize that I can’t do anything on my own without God.

God makes fun of those who make fun of the truth but gives loving-favor to those who have no pride. ~ Proverbs 3:34, New Life Version.

But God shows us even more kindness. Scripture says, “God opposes arrogant people, but he is kind to humble people.” ~ [Proverbs 3:34], James 4:6, Names of God Bible.

Sometimes I’m just overwhelmed at God’s goodness in my life! His mercy and kindness towards me are absolutely unfathomable at times, but I think that’s one of those things I’ll have to accept at face value, because regardless of whether I get it or not, I don’t think it’s going anywhere, and I’m certainly not going to reject it. That would be a world-class dumb thing to do. I love God and need Him in my life too much to want His presence, mercy, and kindness to leave. I need the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit just as much. All three persons of the Trinity are invaluable in my life. I can’t live without them, and thankfully I don’t have to!

Thankfully I don’t have to! Hallelujah!

Apr3

Writer’s Block Notwithstanding…

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I’ve been struggling with what to write about lately ~ a LOT. I started working on a post about beauty, and I wanted to include some photos of birds, but I couldn’t figure out how to format them the way I wanted them to look. I finally got so frustrated that I had to walk away or I was going have a panic attack and throw my computer, which would have been a really bad thing to do.

Since the not-throwing-my-computer day, which was a long time ago, I keep getting ideas of topics to write about, but because I haven’t finished the post about beauty, I can’t really move on to any other subjects. So here I am, blathering on about wanting to write about beauty and beautiful things, but not being able to for whatever reason. Maybe if I write about wanting to write about it, that will help me move towards actually writing about it. So here goes…

I crave beauty. I need to be surrounded by beauty and beautiful things, so I make sure my environment always has artwork on display, plus I always have the means to create my own artwork as well. Beauty feeds my soul. I talk to God about it all the time. Everytime I see something beautiful in His creation I tell Him about it, and thank Him for it. God’s Word is beautiful, and I listen to it while I’m sleeping at night. In fact, it helps me fall asleep, because it fills me with peace.

Give unto the LORD the glory due unto His name; worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness. ~ Psalm 29:2, KJV.

But godliness actually is a source of great gain when accompanied by contentment [that contentment which comes from a sense of inner confidence based on the sufficiency of God]. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6, Amplified Bible.

Both those verses talk about some form of beauty. The first one, Psalm 29:2, talks about worshiping the Lord in the beauty of holiness. Who knew that holiness could be beautiful? But it can be, and it is, because God is beautiful, and He is holy.

The second one, 1 Timothy 6:6, is a little more obscure, but if you think about it I’m sure you’ll be able to see it. The confidence that comes from knowing God will always be there for you, always meeting your needs, always keeping His promises to you ~ that will bring a deep-seated peace and such great contentment, knowing you never have to worry about where your next meal is coming from again ~ that truly is a beautiful thing!

And then there’s Psalm 23. There’s probably no more beautiful description about the sufficiency of God than Psalm 23,

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. 3He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. 4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:1-6, NKJV.

It’s interesting that I’m focusing on Psalm 23 in this post, and in the one before this, because I’m going through some intense testing right now (so if you think of it, I would really appreciate your prayers), and it’s really comforting to know that I can trust God to have my back in the midst of this. I know it’s not God doing it, because of what it says in the Book of James,

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. ~ James 1:13, NKJV.

And I really like the way the Amplified Bible translates it,

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God” [for temptation does not originate from God, but from our own flaws]; for God cannot be tempted by [what is] evil, and He Himself tempts no one. ~ James 1:13, Amplified Bible.

It’s encouraging to know that God won’t ever tempt me to do bad things. My father used to do that, and then he’d punish me when I did what he’d tempted me to do. It was all a great big trick with him, and I could never figure out what the rules were. But God doesn’t do that, and for that I’m eternally grateful!

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. ~ James 5:16, NKJV.

Mar21

Beauty from Ashes

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Today is my birthday (though by the time this is published it’ll be the day after my birthday). I’m seventy-one years old, and I’m so grateful to God that He’s brought me this far. I have SOOO MUCH to be grateful for! First and foremost, there’s the Cross of Christ, of course, but God has been saving my life my whole life long. His goodness and mercy towards me are absolutely unfathomable.

I wrote a post back on November 27, 2023, entitled I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help) that pretty much sums it all up for me. God’s goodness has been the guiding force behind my whole life, whether I knew it or not, and I’m so grateful to God for His kindness and goodness in my life. I’m kind of at a loss for words, because there aren’t enough words to express how much gratitude I feel.

4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~ Psalm 23:4-6, NKJV.

I have a thing for beauty, and I feel like God has made my life into something beautiful. He didn’t have much to work with, because I was a thoroughgoing mess. Psalm 23:4-6 is my life in a nutshell. I walked through the valley of the shadow of death throughout my childhood, because I was always afraid that one or the other of my parents were going to do me in if I did something they didn’t like. My mother tried it a number of times when I was a baby, and my father threatened to do so if I told anyone what he was doing to me. But God was protecting me, so I really could “fear no evil”, because God was with me.

To me that’s God creating beauty out of ugliness, and as God has healed me over the years, I feel like He’s prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemy, the devil, because God and I get the last laugh. The devil tried hard to destroy me but failed, and between me and God, he will always fail, because my life is committed to God, and Jesus is my Lord, and the Holy Spirit is my helper and advocate. So goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever! AMEN!!

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. ~ Colossians 3:16, KJV.