Category Archives: Scripture

Jul27

The Kindness and Goodness of God

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It’s become clear to me in just the last 24 hours that God is good, and He is kind. I’ve been aware of His goodness for a while, but I’ve all of a sudden become clear that He’s also kind. The dictionary definition of kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, considerate, and affectionate or loving.

And yet, as I’m writing about this, I’m having to run to the bathroom because I’m having another bout of diarrhea, probably the fourth one today. Now, I’m sure that all of you are eternally tired of hearing about my trials and tribulations with “the runs”, but if you’re tired of hearing about it, just think about how exhausted I am from suffering with it. I don’t want to sound like I’m just griping and complaining or anything like that, but I’ve got two pressure sores on my rear end that really hurt and I’m having a hard time finding a comfortable position so I can type, and that’s not the half of it.

I really hope that people won’t give up and stop reading my blog because all my posts of late have been so negative. I don’t want to lose followers because of the way my life is going. I’m hoping and expecting things to get better. They certainly can’t get much worse!

I guess what I’m getting at is that the kindness and goodness of God feel like nothing more than concepts to me at the moment, and I really need to know that those attributes of God are right down there with me in the nitty gritty, or more to the point, where my pressure sores are being sat on and causing me the most pain right now. Maybe that’s where my faith is supposed to come in, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll see what the Bible has to say…

11Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O LORD; Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me. 12For innumerable evils have surrounded me; My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up; They are more than the hairs of my head; Therefore my heart fails me. 13Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me; O LORD, make haste to help me! ~ Psalm 40:11-13, NKJV.

That kind of sounds like the Psalmist is right down where my nitty gritty is, and that psalm is part of Scripture, which means that God wanted it there.

16All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. ~ 2 Timothy 3:16-17, ESV.

So maybe God’s goodness and kindness really are right down where I need them to be. I’ve been crying off and on all day long, in between running to the bathroom, and I’m not even sure why, but I can’t seem to stop. It’s kind of silly really, because things are beginning to look up. I have an appointment with a GI specialist tomorrow morning, something I’ve been waiting for months to get, and I actually made it to church Wednesday night ~ also something I’ve been wanting. So what’s my problem? You’d think I’d be happy, but for some reason I’m not. Well, I sort of am, and I’m sort of not. I mean, something is making me cry.

I do know that, even though they only feel like concepts, I’m not going to change my mind on them. Maybe that’s all they feel like now, but if I keep on pursuing the concept, maybe it’ll become something more. Maybe it’ll become real to me, so that they really will be where my nitty gritty needs them to be, because that’s what I want and need, and it seems to me that’s what God would want as well. That’s what a true relationship with Him would be like, and that’s my heart’s desire.

1O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. 2So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. 3Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. 4Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. ~ Psalm 63:1-4, NKJV.

After sleeping for a few hours I feel better, thank God. I felt strong enough this morning to take out the trash, something I haven’t been able to do in several days because I’ve been too sick. So now I get to clean out the litterbox.

Oh joy…

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13, NKJV.

Jul25

Silence Is NOT Golden

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There’s an old proverb that says “Speech is silver and silence is golden,” which is thought to have originated way back in ancient Egypt.

There’s another old saying that says, “It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” It’s usually attributed either to Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain. In addition, there’s a saying in the Book of Proverbs that sounds very similar,

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. ~ Proverb 17:28, ESV.

Well, I’m here to tell you that silence isn’t always golden. There are times when it’s absolute hell. When you’ve prayed and are waiting for an answer, especially if it’s a prayer for finances or healing, you really hope you’ll get an answer right away, and if you don’t, waiting is the hardest thing you have to do. There are times when you’re desperate to hear from God because (for example) you’re about to lose your house, or you’re dying of cancer, so you really NEED the answer you’ve been praying for. Those are the times when silence is definitely NOT golden. Those are the times when you need to draw on what you know about God from His Word.

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ [Deuteronomy 31:6,8] Hebrews 13:5, NKJV.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10, NLT.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28, NKJV.

11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13, NKJV.

God is not a man, that he should lie, Neither the son of man, that he should repent: Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not make it good? ~ Numbers 23:19, Hebrew Names Version.

If I don’t know anything else, I know I can trust God’s Word. God’s Word says God can’t lie and that He always keeps His promises (Numbers 23:19). Isaiah 55:8-11 says the same thing in a different way.

8“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. 9For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. 10“The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. 11It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” Isaiah 55:8-11, NLT.

When I’m struggling to trust that God is aware of what I’m dealing with right now, it helps me to know that He’s always with me and that He’ll never leave me nor forsake me, as the above verses state. In addition, there were people in the Bible who had to deal with God’s silence, and while I wouldn’t even think of comparing myself with anyone in the Bible (for example, Job ~ he had to deal with God’s silence for nine months, and I’m complaining about four! Silly me!)

I’ve come to the realization that what may be going on throughout this whole time with all the diarrhea and everything is that the devil is trying to convince me that God is not good, thus putting the lie to my post on November 27th of last year, I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help). The other day, as I was in the bathroom having one of my many bouts of diarrhea, and watching the ants that were inundating my bathroom and the rest of my apartment, and feeling discouraged and helpless and hopeless, because it felt like everything, EVERYTHING, is out of my control, all of a sudden I had a lightbulb moment.

It dawned on me that the devil would just love for me to say that God isn’t good, but I can’t do that. I can never say God is not good, because, for one thing, He is good, and His Word says He is, and His Word doesn’t lie. And for another, I know He’s good. I know with every fiber of my being that He’s good, and if I ever tried to say otherwise, I’d be lying, and I cannot tell a lie.

I made a vow to God when I was in the fifth grade that I would never tell another lie (after a whole childhood of lying because my father told me he’d kill me if I ever told the truth about what he was doing to me). I made that vow because I got caught in a lie by a policeman, and it so frightened me that I told God I’d never tell another one. I wasn’t a Christian yet, but I’ve kept that promise to this day, some sixty years later, though there have been a couple of slip-ups. I immediately made them right once I realized I’d blown it, because I didn’t want to disappoint God. Plus, somewhere in there I’d become a Christian.

Something else that may be going on is that the diarrhea that has plagued me all these months has kept me from going to church. I haven’t been able to go in about four months, because that’s almost as long as the diarrhea has lasted (almost five months), and I’ve decided that I don’t want it to be like that any longer. I like going to church, and the Bible says in the Book of Hebrews,

24Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. 25And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near. ~ Hebrews 10:24-25, NLT.

And I’ve begun to notice that everytime I make a decision to go to church, I have an attack of diarrhea bad enough to keep me from going. That tells me that the devil doesn’t want me to go.

Harrumph! I don’t want to let the devil win! I wish I’d figured out that sooner! I could have gone back to church a whole lot sooner! Well, I went last night (Wednesday night Bible study), and I was very glad I did, even though, physically, I felt awful. And the worship was wonderful, and so was the sermon. After it was over I went up and got prayed for and anointed with oil according to James 5,

14Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ~ James 5:14-15, NKJV.

This post has evolved from God’s silence during difficult situations, to the diarrhea that’s been plaguing me ~ which is the most difficult situation I’ve had to deal with in a very long time. I haven’t published in over a month, but the reason for that is because I’ve been very ill. Fortunately, though, things are looking up. I finally have an appointment with a GI specialist this coming Saturday. I pray she’ll be able to give me some wisdom on what’s causing the diarrhea, as well as some solutions.

I’ve had the feeling at times with all of this that I’m dying, because I’ve felt so truly awful, and while going home to be with Jesus would be the very best of all possible realities, I really don’t think it’s my time yet. I still have things to do for the Lord!

So I’ll leave you with this:

24Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, 25To God our Savior, Who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen. ~ Jude 1:24-25, NKJV.

Jun20

Trust. Trust?? Trust Who? Trust What?

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Throughout the long time that I’ve been dealing with chronic diarrhea, I’ve been praying for God to heal me, but all I’ve really gotten from God was Him telling me to trust. Just trust. And I’ve gotten to the point that I’m frustrated and discouraged and disheartened, because my activities are severely limited and so is my diet. Just about everything I eat causes an attack of diarrhea, or so it seems.

My doctor suggested maybe I had developed a sensitivity to gluten after the surgery on my knee last January, so I bought a lot of gluten-free food. I’ve been eating it, but I can’t really tell if it’s making a difference, because I still have episodes sometimes. I don’t have any of the symptoms of Crohn’s disease except for the diarrhea (no skin rashes, abdominal cramping, or bloating).

Another issue that’s cropped up because of the diarrhea is the problem I have with taking showers (there are times after a particularly bad attack where I have no choice but to take one). This has been an issue for me for a long time because one of the main places Harry (my biological father) abused me was in the shower. The first abuse memory I had was of him forcing me to have oral sex with him in the shower when I was about two years old. I’ve had memories of him making me have sex with his friends in the shower, and him paying them money for the experience. It was never very much money, usually a dollar or two, but money always exchanged hands. It was the fatherly version of human trafficking. So, as you might guess, I don’t like taking showers, because oftentimes when I do, I have flashbacks.

I think the point of the money was to let me know that I was of very little worth to him. He sold me to his friends in the amount specified, never more than a couple of dollars. One time it was $1.53, and he told me that was what I was worth to him. Thankfully God has shown me conclusively that Harry was lying about that, though in his mind he was telling the truth. I don’t know why he hated me so much, but I forgive him. And I forgive the men with whom he forced me to have sex as well.

I’ve tried to figure if he was disappointed because I wasn’t a boy, or something like that, but if that was what his problem was, the genetics of my gender were his responsibility, not mine! So if he’s going to hate anyone it should have been himself, not me! Talk about projection!

I forgive him! And I forgive them too!

I’m reminded that Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot for thirty pieces of silver.

14Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests 15and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. 16From that time on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus. ~ Matthew 26:14-16, NLT.

The point in bringing up the stuff about the shower is that everytime I have to take a shower now, I feel like God is bullying me into taking showers again, because I went for a long period where I didn’t take them. During the quarantine I wasn’t going anywhere, and it was just easier to not take them because when I did I had flashbacks. I can’t smell anything except gardenias and jasmine, as I got punched in the nose when I was in the seventh grade, and it did nerve damage, so I have to ask my friends if I want to know anything about what smells good or bad, or if there’s any smell at all.

This diarrhea has been going on for so long that it’s hard for me to know who to trust ~ or not trust ~ at this point. There are times when I’ll have an attack, and then I’ll have another one on the heels of the previous attack before I’ve even had time to leave the bathroom. Yesterday was like that. It feels like my body has turned into a leaky sieve and it’s impossible to plug it up. And the thing is, I don’t understand why God isn’t answering my prayers and healing me. I’m just supposed to trust. Trust what?? Trust who??

AARRGGHH!!!

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I feel like a modern-day version of Psalm 88,

1O LORD, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day. I come to you at night. 2Now hear my prayer; listen to my cry. 3For my life is full of troubles, and death draws near. 4I am as good as dead, like a strong man with no strength left. 5They have left me among the dead, and I lie like a corpse in a grave. I am forgotten, cut off from your care. 6You have thrown me into the lowest pit, into the darkest depths. 7Your anger weighs me down; with wave after wave you have engulfed me.
Selah
8You have driven my friends away by making me repulsive to them. I am in a trap with no way of escape. 9My eyes are blinded by my tears. Each day I beg for your help, O LORD; I lift my hands to you for mercy. 10Are your wonderful deeds of any use to the dead? Do the dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love? Can they proclaim your faithfulness in the place of destruction? 12Can the darkness speak of your wonderful deeds? Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness talk about your righteousness? 13O LORD, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day. 14O LORD, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me? 15I have been sick and close to death since my youth. I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors. 16Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have paralyzed me. 17They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have engulfed me completely. 18You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend. ~ Psalm 88:1-18, NLT.

I included the whole of Psalm 88 because the Psalms are really wonderful at describing how you’re feeling, especially when life gets really bad, and Psalm 88 is perfect for that. It’s the only psalm where there’s no positive note at the end. All the other psalms have a reassuring, encouraging note at the end, but not Psalm 88. The only thing positive about this psalm is that the psalmist doesn’t stop praying.

So I think I’ll leave it at that. I would appreciate any prayers from my followers if you feel so lead, because I’m in a pretty bad place at the moment, in case you can’t tell.

Thanks in advance! I love you all!

Jun8

Back to Sweetness and Light

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Back to Sweetness and Light

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5, NKJV.

My last post, A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven, was a particularly difficult one, as were a number of the posts previous to it. So I’ve decided that those posts were the weeping part of Psalm 30:5, and from here on, at least for a while, morning has come and everything is going to be joyful, as it says in the last part of the verse. Thus my title. No more doom and gloom, and back to sweetness and light. The last post was an important one that needed to be brought out in the open, but I need a break.

So this post is going to be a meandering potpourri of stuff I’m thinking about, and things I’m learning in my Bible reading, etc., etc. With that in mind, I found the coolest verse in Job 9 the other day. Well, actually I found a whole lot of cool verses in Job, partly because that’s where I’m reading, and partly because I love the Book of Job.

God is wise in heart and mighty in strength. Who has hardened himself against Him and prospered? ~ Job 9: 4, NKJV.

And I especially like the way the NIV renders it,

His wisdom is profound, His power is vast. Who has resisted Him and come out unscathed? Job 9:4, NIV.

Have you ever read a passage of Scripture and come across a verse you never saw before, and thought, “Where did that come from?” It was there all along, but you just missed it. That’s what happened to me with Job 9:4. When I read that verse I thought, “I’ve never seen that verse before!”, and then I was reminded of Pharaoh and the ten plagues (see Exodus 7 through Exodus 12), and King Herod Agrippa I (see Acts 12:20-23), and Ananias and Sapphira (see Acts 5:1-11), and most of all Lucifer himself (see Isaiah 14:12-15, Ezekiel 28:13-17, and Luke 10:17-18). All those people thought they were better than God in one way or another, and they found out the hard way that they weren’t. I don’t EVER want to be in that position! I’ve known for a long time that I would make a terrible God. In fact I wrote a post with that title, I Would Make a Terrible God back in September of 2019.

And then there’s this juicy passage from Job 40,

9Have you an arm like God? Or can you thunder with a voice like His? 10Then adorn yourself with majesty and splendor, And array yourself with glory and beauty. 11Disperse the rage of your wrath; look on everyone who is proud, and humble him. 12Look on everyone who is proud, and bring him low; tread down the wicked in their place. 13Hide them in the dust together, bind their faces in hidden darkness. 14Then I will also confess to you that your own right hand can save you. ~ Job 40: 9-14, NKJV.

It seems to me that God is saying to Job, “Job, can you be Me? If you can, then you can save yourself!” And since I know that no one can be God except for God Himself, quite obviously, no one, including Job, can save himself.

There are a number of other fascinating and interesting passages from Job that I could expound upon, but I think I’ll stop here. I love God’s Word, and I could go on and on talking about all the cool stuff I’ve found, but if I did that I’d be doing nothing but writing all day long. And while that would be a lot of fun, I would’t get anything else done. My cats would go hungry ~ well, maybe not. I doubt they’d let me get away with that.

I will worship toward Your holy temple, and praise Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth; for You have magnified Your word above all Your name. ~ Psalm 138:2, NKJV.

My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. ~ Psalm 45:1, NKJV.

And finally, as long as I’m meandering, here’s a poem I wrote a long time ago. It’s called “Words” and it was written back in September of 1991 while I was still multiple.

So many words in this wide world of mine—
There must be a billion, three-million and nine,
Or maybe a trillion—I know not of more,
But even a million’s enough for a door.

Words full of laughter, of light, and of hope,
Words that paint pictures for those who must grope
Through darkness and longing ’til dreams become real
And light in their tunnel means safety to feel.

Scrivening onward, word pictures I’ll paint
So others when thirsty won’t give up and faint.
Words will build true homes from castles on air
Where laughter and rainbows take place of despair.

I think that’s it. I’m done meandering. It’s been kind of fun, and I give all the glory to God. He’s the One who gave me the ability to write poetry in the first place, even if I haven’t been able to do it in awhile. Maybe it’ll come back someday. Even the featured image is kind of meandering. It’s a photograph of a beautiful hummingbird that I found, and I’ve only recently figured out how to add that, so I decided to try it. How cool is that!

God is SOOO GOOD!!!

Jun1

A Time for Every Purpose Under Heaven

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1To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: … 7A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~ Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 7-8, NKJV.

The purpose of this blog is to educate people about the horrors of child abuse, and in particular sexual child abuse. There are a number of lies out there about what children experience when they’re being molested, and this is a big one.

This is going to be a hard post to write because it’s about a difficult subject. It’s hard for me to talk about and it’s difficult to write about, but I have to make the effort, because I need to bring it out in the open. As it says in the verse I quoted above, there’s a time to keep silence and there’s a time to speak. I hate what was done to me, and it’s time to talk about it.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been having flashbacks of moaning and grunting and groaning, and I couldn’t figure out what it was ~ if it was even a flashback. But then I remembered people telling me that if it felt good when Harry raped me (Harry is my biological father), all that was happening was that my body was reacting naturally to being sexually stimulated. Then I realized that my body wasn’t feeling pleasure as he was raping me. It was feeling pain. It HURT!! I was a small child and he was an adult male. My body was far too small for his adult-sized body parts. Then as he was forcing himself into me, and I was groaning from the pain, I could see him smiling.

Smiling?? Why was he smiling? Then it dawned on me: he thought I liked it. I liked it?!! I don’t THINK so!!

Knowing that Harry was so selfish and out of touch with my needs made me feel incredibly angry. It made me angry then and it makes me angry now, but I know I have to deal with it and forgive him.

I’ve been trying very hard to NOT deal with this memory since it came up. I’ve procrastinated on working on this post for days on end. It’s too painful, and it makes me too angry at Harry. It also makes me angry at my mother because she did nothing to stop him.

I don’t like feeling angry. It makes me feel out of control. But I know I have to get this dealt with. If I don’t take care of it then it will fester like an old wound that gets infected and fills with pus, and I really don’t want that. So I have to stop dithering about and just do it, regardless of how bad it feels, because, as it says in the Psalms, tears may last for a few hours, but with the new day comes joy.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. ~ Psalm 30: 5, NKJV.

I really want that joy, and I really want to please God, so I’m going to finish working through this memory, and forgive Harry and my mother, so I can publish this post.

I forgive you, Harry! I love you, regardless of what you did to me! I want the best for you!

I forgive you, Mom! I love you no matter what! I want the best for you!

Joy comes in the morning, and I pray that morning is here!

22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3: 22-23, NKJV.

May20

God Likes Humility

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The dictionary definition of humility is, the quality of a modest view of one’s value or importance. Another way of thinking about it is this,

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others. Humble people are so focused on serving others, they don’t think of themselves.” ~ Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2012), 148.

The above quote has been misattributed to C.S. Lewis many times, but it’s actually Rick Warren who said it in The Purpose Driven Life.

Moses was a very humble man, more so than anyone on the face of the earth. ~ Numbers 12:3, Christian Standard Bible.

But the Lord said, “My grace is all you need. Only when you are weak can everything be done completely by my power.” So I will gladly boast about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can stay in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9, Easy-to-Read Version.

I want more than anything to have Christ’s power to stay in me! I don’t want it to ever, EVER leave me, because if God’s power left, that would mean God left, and I couldn’t live with that!

8Three different times I begged God to make me well again. 9Each time he said, “No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people.” Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ’s power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities. 10Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite happy about “the thorn,” and about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong—the less I have, the more I depend on him. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, The Living Bible.

For me, humility is simply admitting and accepting that I need God. I need Him every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I can’t do anything without Him. I need Him with every particle of my being. I need His wisdom. I need His help, and most of all, I need His salvation to save me from my Self and my sinfulness. I can accept my weakness, because, as Paul said, when I am weak, then I am strong. The weaker I am, the more I have to depend on God’s power.

Sometimes accepting my own weakness is a hard thing to do, especially when I make a mistake. I struggle with pride, because it’s very difficult for me to accept that I’m not perfect. I had to be perfect when I was little, and of course, there was no way I could be, so when I made a mistake I suffered terrible consequences because of it. I know I struggle with pride, and that’s one of the many reasons I need God, because it’s only with God’s help that I can let go of my pride. I don’t know if it’s possible for a human to be free of pride this side of Heaven, but I think it’s a good goal to strive for with God’s help. I suppose that’s the essence of humility ~ to be free of pride and recognize that I can’t do anything on my own without God.

God makes fun of those who make fun of the truth but gives loving-favor to those who have no pride. ~ Proverbs 3:34, New Life Version.

But God shows us even more kindness. Scripture says, “God opposes arrogant people, but he is kind to humble people.” ~ [Proverbs 3:34], James 4:6, Names of God Bible.

Sometimes I’m just overwhelmed at God’s goodness in my life! His mercy and kindness towards me are absolutely unfathomable at times, but I think that’s one of those things I’ll have to accept at face value, because regardless of whether I get it or not, I don’t think it’s going anywhere, and I’m certainly not going to reject it. That would be a world-class dumb thing to do. I love God and need Him in my life too much to want His presence, mercy, and kindness to leave. I need the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit just as much. All three persons of the Trinity are invaluable in my life. I can’t live without them, and thankfully I don’t have to!

Thankfully I don’t have to! Hallelujah!

May8

Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, and Forgiveness

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Whenever someone talks about dying and going to Heaven, the first thing they mention is that they’ll get to see loved ones who’ve gone on before them. That idea always makes me feel kind of funny because, and I’m a little ashamed to say it, I don’t really want to see my relatives who’ve gone ahead of me. My mother, my sister and my stepdad are the ones who are there now, that I know of, and my relationship with them was so incredibly complicated and painful that I don’t know what I’d say to them once I met them in Heaven.

During the days before my stepdad died I wrote a poem, called Dutiful Daughter’s Escape:

The phone is ringing, “Daddy’s dying!”
Distraught and woeful, Mother’s crying.
If I marched homeward I’d be lying,
Their silent wall accusing.

To them I say, “No debt to pay
Have I to you, to pain allay;
To meet your need myself would slay” ~
Small suicide unnoticed.

But then I ask myself…

Is Mother’s need of greater worth,
O’erwhelming pain of daughter’s dearth?
Then truth unearth’d ~ a child by birth
Doth not a mother make.

So Daddy’s dying, Mother’s crying.
With fearful trembling I am trying
The cords to cut of love undying ~
Spid’ry coils ensnaring,

And head-long running, I’m escaping
Family traps that minds be raping
Though scraped with bait as I’m reshaping
What I know of love.

S.A. Kuriakos & Wordsworth*
©December 31, 1991

*Wordsworth was one of my alters who was involved in helping me write poetry when I was multiple.

This was written the day before my stepdad died in January of 1992. And I did go to see him in the hospital a couple of days before he died. He was in a coma and he was in ICU, so I went late at night when I knew no one else would be there. I didn’t want to run into my mother or my sister. I just wanted to be able to see my dad without the added burden of having to talk to anyone else. My dad had multiple sclerosis, and he’d gone into respiratory arrest a couple of days previously, and the doctor said that he wouldn’t pull out of it, that this time he would die. It was just a matter of when.

I wanted to see him so I could tell him that I loved him, and that he didn’t have to worry about Mom, because my sister and I would make sure she was okay. I wanted to tell him that he was free to leave and go home to Heaven without any worries. I went twice and told him the same things both times. I knew he could hear me even though he was in a coma. And after he was gone I found out that the day after my second visit he came out of the coma and told my mother I’d been there, and he told her what I had said to him. And he died the day after that, on January 1, 1992.

Everytime I read that poem I feel like I was being selfish. I mean, my dad’s death was imminent, and what was I thinking about? I was thinking about my needs rather than my mother’s needs when she was about to lose her husband.

In the year before my dad’s death, I had separated myself from my family for a period of time, because memories had begun to surface of my biological father’s abuse, and especially the sexual abuse, and they were really bad, and my mother wasn’t accepting any of it.

The thing is, I had put my parents needs ahead of my own my whole entire life, and in the process I had been trampled on, raped (quite literally, as well as figuratively), and disregarded from the very beginning. My sister was always the fair-haired child and I was always the family scapegoat, and there had to come a time when I stood up for myself. I don’t think there would have been a good time for that to happen. Regardless of when I did that it would have been bad, so when I separated myself I did it because I had to for my own self-preservation. At the time I had no idea my stepdad would die in another year. And when he died I came back because I knew my mother would need the help, plus I’d made enough progress in dealing with my own stuff that I could handle whatever my family threw at me.

The first time I told my mom about what I was remembering, her response was, “Well, I thought something was going on because I saw bruises. If I’d known it was sexual abuse the divorce would have happened a lot sooner.” That made me really angry because children die from being physically abused all the time, and she did nothing to stop it, and instead used the idea that she didn’t know the abuse was sexual as her excuse for not protecting me. After all, physical abuse is perfectly terrible all by itself! It should have been enough to make her JUMP to protect me! But no, apparently not. I forgive her! I forgive her!!

I separated myself because I had to be able process my feelings, regardless of how negative they were, without having to deal with my mother’s denials and attempts to subvert or block my feelings and memories. Also, I didn’t want to cause any more pain in my family than was already there in my efforts to talk about the issues that were surfacing, and I knew that confronting my mother and my sister would inevitably create more pain ~ LOTS of pain. My sister hadn’t had any memories of abuse, though I was pretty sure she’d been hurt in some way, I just didn’t know exactly how. She had to be allowed to remember on her own in God’s timing without any help from me.

In addition it came out that I’d had to become multiple in order to survive, which was an added complication, and I didn’t want to have to explain that to my mother as well. However, as it turned out, there was a soap opera being aired at that time that had a character who was multiple, and my mother liked watching it. When I finally did reveal the multiplicity to her, she’d already become somewhat familiar with that character’s issues, so it wasn’t nearly as big of a problem because the soap opera had normalized it for me.

God is SOOO GOOD!!!

To be clear, as I stated above, I’ve forgiven my mother for not protecting me from my biological father’s atrocities. So why am I still having a hard time with the idea of seeing my mother and sister when I get to Heaven? I think it’s because, even though I’ve forgiven them, there are still many unresolved aspects of our relationship, and I don’t know how to go about sorting out all the problems so I can come to a resolution and let it all go.

In thinking about it, however, it came to me that in Heaven we won’t be like we are here on earth. When we get to Heaven we’ll be changed and transformed, because God will have finished His work in us,

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6, NLT.

God is working now while we’re here on earth, and He’ll continue the process of sanctification in us until it’s complete on the day when Jesus Christ returns.

Oh what a day that will be! I’ll no longer have to struggle and fight within myself (and with myself!), and I won’t have a hard time relating to my sister, something that was a huge struggle throughout my entire life with her. And I’m hoping that all the memories of my horrific childhood will be washed away, and I’ll be free of them, so I can relate to my family in a whole new way. It’s hard to imagine what that will be like, but it has to be better than the way it’s been here on earth.

Forgiveness is a vital part of the Christian life. Jesus forgave us for our sins by going to the Cross, so I can do no less by forgiving my parents for what they did to me. It seems a small price to pay. And in the process God will heal me and wipe away all my tears, and I’ll feel no more pain or sorrow. That sounds like Heaven to me!

He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins. ~ Ephesians 1:7, NLT.

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” ~ Revelation 21:4, NKJV.

I SOOO look forward to THAT!!

May6

If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

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If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

I’m still struggling with the diarrhea that was the subject of my last post, Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. I thought it was getting better, but a few days ago I had a really bad episode that left me feeling very discouraged. I know, at least in my mind, that it’s not God who’s making me sick. I just don’t understand why it’s continuing on for such a long time when I’ve prayed in faith for God to heal me. I guess I need to continue to trust and believe no matter whether I see results or not.

That’s a hard thing to do, you know ~ keep believing even when I don’t see results, especially when healing from diarrhea is what I’m praying for, and it keeps happening over and over and over and over and… well, you get the picture. It seems like it will never end, and it gets harder and harder to believe God when diarrhea keeps pouring out my other end ~ and I do mean that literally (and if you’re wincing at the image that evokes, just think how I feel everytime it happens!).

A complicating factor in all this is that I’m in constant pain from the arthritis in my knees and hips. Ever since I had the arthroscopic surgery on my right knee last January I’ve been in constant, agonizing pain. After the surgery the doctor gave me a prescription for oxycodone. I took it one time, but it didn’t help much, and I knew then that I wouldn’t take it anymore. I’ve decided not to take any pain killers other than an anti-inflammatory drug and extra-strength Tylenol because I don’t want to mess with an addiction on top of what’s already going on in my life. I’ve found that the Tylenol and the anti-inflammatory work enough to keep the pain bearable so I can function if I’m consistent about taking them twice a day.

I’ve mentioned all of the above so that I can write about what I really want to talk about…

If I let myself be governed by feelings, which would be really easy to do what with the diarrhea that seems to be ruling my life at the moment, then I would become discouraged and full of despair, and give up ever believing that God will deliver me from this scourge.

But I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to let the light in my lighthouse go out, because Jesus is the light of my life. He is the light of my world, and if I give place to despair, my world will become full of darkness, and I don’t want that to happen. If I ever gave up on Jesus, that would be a disaster in my life. God never gave up on me, not one time, so I never want to give up on Him.

For You, O LORD, are my lamp; the LORD illumines and dispels my darkness. ~ 2 Samuel 22:29, Amplified Bible.

Your word is a lamp to walk by, and a light to illumine my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NET.

I like the way the NET translates that verse, but I also like the way the NKJV and the ESV render it,

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NKJV and ESV.

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” ~ John 8:12, NKJV.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that feelings are notoriously unreliable, but Jesus, the lover of my soul, is ever faithful, and will never lie to me, will never break His promises to me, and as I quoted above, He said about Himself that He is “the light of the world.” ~ John 8:12 and 9:5. So it stands to reason that He can be my lighthouse and my port in whatever storm I’m going through.

On the other hand, if I start following my feelings, then the light in that lighthouse will go dark, so to speak, and when that happens it can’t be relied upon to lead me anywhere. And considering God has been leading and protecting me throughout my life whether I knew it or not, it behooves me to continue following His guidance now that I do know about it. He is faithful to perform His Word in my life. He always has been and He always will be.

8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. 9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. 10“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 11So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NKJV.

Something else I’ve come to understand is that God is much more interested in the growth and development of my character than He is in my happiness. Happiness is temporal and fleeting, and is based on what’s happening in the moment, but my character development is a part the process of sanctification and becoming more and more like Jesus, which I very much desire. So while sanctification is sometimes painful and uncomfortable, I’ll take that any day over being happy, as long as I know God is in it.

I was reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians that says,

For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17, Christian Standard Bible.

It feels like diarrhea is so much more than a light and momentary affliction, especially since it’s been going on for such a long time (I know in God’s eyes two months is less than the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye, but to me it feels like an eternity). But when I think of what it’s like in Heaven, diarrhea truly is nothing by comparison, regardless of how long it lasts.

I mean, Heaven has streets paved in gold that’s so pure it’s transparent like glass, and colors beyond anything we’ve ever imagined here on earth ~ and that’s just for starters. Jesus will be there in the flesh and I’ll get to meet Him face to face, and know Him as He knows me now. I can’t think of any better reality than knowing Jesus face to face. There can be nothing better than that!

And if we think we know what beauty is here on earth, we don’t have a clue. Heaven is sublimely beautiful far beyond anything human beings can comprehend. The best description can be found in the Book of Revelation. It’s a long passage, but as you read it just envision in your mind’s eye the amazing, unimaginable beauty that the passage is describing,

12The city wall was broad and high, with twelve gates guarded by twelve angels. And the names of the twelve tribes of Israel were written on the gates. … 14The wall of the city had twelve foundation stones, and on them were written the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. 15The angel who talked to me held in his hand a gold measuring stick to measure the city, its gates, and its wall. 16When he measured it, he found it was a square, as wide as it was long. In fact, its length and width and height were each 1,400 miles. 17Then he measured the walls and found them to be 216 feet thick… 18The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass. 19The wall of the city was built on foundation stones inlaid with twelve precious stones: the first was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20the fifth onyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, the twelfth amethyst. 21The twelve gates were made of pearls—each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass. … 23And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. ~ Revelation 21: 12, 14 – 21, and 23, NLT.

So regardless of how bad things seem now, the present is nothing compared to what’s coming in Heaven,

7But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory, 8which none of the rulers of this age knew; for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. ~ [Isaiah 64:4], 1 Corinthians 2:7-9, NKJV.

I can’t wait!!

Apr23

Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. But Christ…

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1“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”…8Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content. Ecclesiastes 1:2, 8, NLT.

The dichotomy between the meaninglessness of Ecclesiastes and leading a victorious Christian life is especially pertinent when things are not going well, which is something I will talk about below.

The whole idea of Christ bearing my sins for me was really brought home to me this Easter. It all of sudden occurred to me that when Jesus took my sins in His body on the Cross, He bore ALL my sins, and once that happened, I became sin-less, as if I had never sinned. I could picture myself completely innocent, as if I had never done anything wrong, a perfectly pure and undefiled baby who had never been affected by the evil of this broken world.

Being able to see myself in that way really makes a difference in the way I navigate my life, or at least it should. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. As Paul said in Romans, Chapter Seven,

21I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. ~ Romans 7:21-25, NLT.

So even though I know, at least positionally, that I am completely sinless, I’m still dominated by sin in my day-to-day life. And my favorite verse in the above passage is verse 24,

24O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I especially feel the wretchedness of Romans 7:24 when things aren’t going well, as is the case right now. I’ve been suffering from a case of chronic, sometimes explosive diarrhea for about two months now, and I’m beginning to feel like it’ll never end. I’ve become very discouraged. I’ve had accident after accident after accident, and once it happened while I was out and about. When that happened I was taking Solomon and Gracie to a vet appointment and I’d already arrived at the vet’s office, so I couldn’t turn around and go home. I just had to go in and head for the restroom. Talk about humiliating! Fortunately it wasn’t as bad an episode as some of the other ones have been, but that it happened at all was bad enough.

My doctor doesn’t know what’s causing it. I’ve had stool samples analyzed by the lab, and they found nothing, so now my doctor wants me to see a GI doctor. The problem with that is that I don’t trust anyone but my primary care doctor, and my therapist, and God. One of the people who abused me when I was a kid was a doctor, so I have big trust issues with medical people.

Another aspect of this is that I’m in constant pain from my hips and knees. I can’t stand for more than a couple of minutes before it becomes unbearable. I realize it’s not related to the diarrhea, but it’s definitely a complicating factor.

I know that my posts are usually positive and sweetness and light, but I’m really struggling here, and if I can’t be honest on my blog, where can I be, except with God?

I think things started to get bad after I published a post on November 27 of last year called I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God. Ever since I published that post it seems like things started getting worse and worse, culminating in this horrible diarrhea. I get the feeling the devil is trying to make me change my stance on God’s goodness.

Well, I’m not going to! I don’t understand why this diarrhea has continued on for so long, and I really don’t understand why God hasn’t healed me, when I’ve prayed for healing, and prayed and prayed and prayed for it. The accidents just keep happening and happening, and I’m so TIRED. I’ve also begun yelling at God, and I thought I was beyond that, plus I really don’t like doing it. I think I’ve given up on God healing me, because I’ve stopped asking.

I feel like I’ve begun to lose hope, something I didn’t think would ever happen once God set me free. But here I am.

However, even though I can’t feel it, I refuse to believe all hope is lost.

17Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: 18Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 19The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-19, KJV.

And then there’s this from the Psalms,

12But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. 13For they are transplanted to the LORD’s own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. 14Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. ~ Psalm 92:12-14, NLT.

So maybe all is not lost, and what I need to do is trust that God is there even though I can’t feel or see Him right now. I know that His Word is true, and He is just as faithful in the hard times as He is when things are good. Jesus is still the Author and Finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2), and I want Him to continue on in that role.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 24“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I hope in Him!” ~ Lamentations 3:21-24, NKJV.

I thank you, Lord, for Your goodness and kindness to me! Whether I can feel it or not, I know You are with me, because Your Word says You are! You’ve been with me throughout my life and that won’t change now, because You are ever faithful to me!

Apr4

Discovering God Through Art

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I was fooling around on Instagram the day before yesterday, as I am wont to do, and I came across this amazing portrait artist, whose name is Alistair Adams. And I all of a sudden realized that if I were doing artistic things ~ drawing, painting, stuff like that ~ what I’d be doing is portraits, because doing faces is what I’ve always loved best. Below is a face that I did a long time ago:

I know it’s really big, but I couldn’t figure out how to crop it down to a more manageable size, so you get to look at him larger than life. I did this drawing a really long time ago, 1991 to be exact. I took it from a magazine photograph because it was sort a of practice drawing to see if I could actually do it. I never planned on selling it. In fact, I have it hanging on the wall of my dining room. It’s called “Toying With Love” and it’s graphite on paper, and is 8 x 10 inches. The original photograph had a butterfly inside the toy, but I didn’t like that so I put a heart there instead. The thing is, I’ve done very little since. Here’s one:

This was a commission I did for a friend of her granddaughter when she was two weeks old. There were a number of things about the drawing that I didn’t like, and just couldn’t seem to fix, mostly concerning her hair. I tried and tried and tried some more, to no avail. It took me five long years, and my friend was endlessly patient, and I ended up telling her that I wanted to give her the drawing for free because I had taken so long, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She insisted on paying me the price we had originally agreed upon, including the framing.

What finally made it so I could say it was finished was my cousin, Linda Gunn, who is a wonderful professional artist, and who has always been amazingly encouraging to me as a mentor. I decided to go to her studio one day and take this drawing with me to see if she could help me with it. When I told her I was having trouble figuring out what to do next, she took one look at it, and said, “What do you mean, what should you do with it? It’s finished!”

You have no idea how relieved I was to hear that! She told me not to worry about the hair, and just be done with it. I felt like dancing around the room, I was so elated! So I cleaned it up and took it to the framer. It’s called “Tiana at Age Two Weeks” and it’s graphite on paper, and is 16 x 20 inches.

So I spent most of the day when I was fooling around on Instagram looking at all of Alistair Adams’ work that he’d posted. And I was constantly amazed at his skill. His portraits are beautiful! And I found myself wondering if I could do that, and I knew I had to try. So that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t know how it’ll turn out, but I’ll never find out if I don’t try. And with God on my side, and at my side, it seems like it would have to go somewhere, don’t you think?

For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us]. ~ Ephesians 2:10, Amplified Bible.

I love the way the Amplified Bible renders that verse. It seems to me that just as God has created me to do good works, He has made me His master work, His work of art, so He will help me to create works of art as I give Him glory, which I fully intend to do.