Category Archives: Unanswered Prayer

Nov4

Diarrhea and My Always Faithful God

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After eight long months, the diarrhea is gone. Thank God, He healed me. I haven’t had any episodes in about a month. Nothing significant happened, like no one laid hands on me or anything. I prayed and asked God to heal me, as I had been doing all along, and He answered. The diarrhea just stopped. I can eat normal foods now, and I am so grateful!

THANK GOD!! HALLELUJAH!!

God gets all the glory for this, that’s for sure. Jesus is my Healer and no one else!

I first began to get an inkling that maybe I was healed when I was able to eat an In-N-Out cheeseburger with no ill effects. I wasn’t totally sure at first, but I’ve been eating them every other week now for over a month with no diarrhea, or anything bad at all, and next time I’m going to try a version of Animal Fries along with my cheeseburger.

It’s such a joy to be able to eat whatever I want, and I’ll never again complain about my food, because I had to go without for so long. Now I eat every bite with gratitude, and I relish the flavor. I hope I never forget! The only silver lining is that I lost about twenty-four pounds, and hopefully I haven’t gained any of it back now that I can eat again.

I think I’ve learned to rely more strongly and closely on God through all of this, and I had to trust that He was still there and listening even though it didn’t seem like He was answering my prayers. I’ve come to realize that I have to keep on praying and not give up, like the Parable of the Persistent Widow in Luke 18:1-8.

Sometimes I felt like God was tormenting me because I kept on having episode after episode of diarrhea, and there were days that felt like I was in the diarrhea day from Hell, it was so bad. But I just had to keep on praying and believing that God was still with me, and He was still answering my prayers, because the Bible says that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

6“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of [these nations]; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. … 8And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6, 8, NKJV.

No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. ~ Joshua 1:5, NLT.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10, NKJV.

1But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. 2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. ~ Isaiah 43:1-2, NKJV.

Plus, compared to what Jesus went through on the Cross, my problems are nothing. I’ve come to the conclusion that God is much more interested in our character development than He is in our happiness. Happiness is temporary, but the joy produced by developing the character of Christ is deep-seated and permanent, and something I greatly desire.

17For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, ESV.

I think that’s about it. I’ve said about all I have to say, though I want to end with a Scripture verse, not my own words. Scripture is much more powerful than my words ever thought of being.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ~ Lamentations 3:21-23, NKJV.

Jul25

Silence Is NOT Golden

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There’s an old proverb that says “Speech is silver and silence is golden,” which is thought to have originated way back in ancient Egypt.

There’s another old saying that says, “It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.” It’s usually attributed either to Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain. In addition, there’s a saying in the Book of Proverbs that sounds very similar,

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. ~ Proverb 17:28, ESV.

Well, I’m here to tell you that silence isn’t always golden. There are times when it’s absolute hell. When you’ve prayed and are waiting for an answer, especially if it’s a prayer for finances or healing, you really hope you’ll get an answer right away, and if you don’t, waiting is the hardest thing you have to do. There are times when you’re desperate to hear from God because (for example) you’re about to lose your house, or you’re dying of cancer, so you really NEED the answer you’ve been praying for. Those are the times when silence is definitely NOT golden. Those are the times when you need to draw on what you know about God from His Word.

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~ [Deuteronomy 31:6,8] Hebrews 13:5, NKJV.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. ~ Isaiah 41:10, NLT.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ~ Romans 8:28, NKJV.

11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13, NKJV.

God is not a man, that he should lie, Neither the son of man, that he should repent: Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not make it good? ~ Numbers 23:19, Hebrew Names Version.

If I don’t know anything else, I know I can trust God’s Word. God’s Word says God can’t lie and that He always keeps His promises (Numbers 23:19). Isaiah 55:8-11 says the same thing in a different way.

8“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. 9For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. 10“The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. 11It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” Isaiah 55:8-11, NLT.

When I’m struggling to trust that God is aware of what I’m dealing with right now, it helps me to know that He’s always with me and that He’ll never leave me nor forsake me, as the above verses state. In addition, there were people in the Bible who had to deal with God’s silence, and while I wouldn’t even think of comparing myself with anyone in the Bible (for example, Job ~ he had to deal with God’s silence for nine months, and I’m complaining about four! Silly me!)

I’ve come to the realization that what may be going on throughout this whole time with all the diarrhea and everything is that the devil is trying to convince me that God is not good, thus putting the lie to my post on November 27th of last year, I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God (With God’s Help). The other day, as I was in the bathroom having one of my many bouts of diarrhea, and watching the ants that were inundating my bathroom and the rest of my apartment, and feeling discouraged and helpless and hopeless, because it felt like everything, EVERYTHING, is out of my control, all of a sudden I had a lightbulb moment.

It dawned on me that the devil would just love for me to say that God isn’t good, but I can’t do that. I can never say God is not good, because, for one thing, He is good, and His Word says He is, and His Word doesn’t lie. And for another, I know He’s good. I know with every fiber of my being that He’s good, and if I ever tried to say otherwise, I’d be lying, and I cannot tell a lie.

I made a vow to God when I was in the fifth grade that I would never tell another lie (after a whole childhood of lying because my father told me he’d kill me if I ever told the truth about what he was doing to me). I made that vow because I got caught in a lie by a policeman, and it so frightened me that I told God I’d never tell another one. I wasn’t a Christian yet, but I’ve kept that promise to this day, some sixty years later, though there have been a couple of slip-ups. I immediately made them right once I realized I’d blown it, because I didn’t want to disappoint God. Plus, somewhere in there I’d become a Christian.

Something else that may be going on is that the diarrhea that has plagued me all these months has kept me from going to church. I haven’t been able to go in about four months, because that’s almost as long as the diarrhea has lasted (almost five months), and I’ve decided that I don’t want it to be like that any longer. I like going to church, and the Bible says in the Book of Hebrews,

24Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. 25And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near. ~ Hebrews 10:24-25, NLT.

And I’ve begun to notice that everytime I make a decision to go to church, I have an attack of diarrhea bad enough to keep me from going. That tells me that the devil doesn’t want me to go.

Harrumph! I don’t want to let the devil win! I wish I’d figured out that sooner! I could have gone back to church a whole lot sooner! Well, I went last night (Wednesday night Bible study), and I was very glad I did, even though, physically, I felt awful. And the worship was wonderful, and so was the sermon. After it was over I went up and got prayed for and anointed with oil according to James 5,

14Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. ~ James 5:14-15, NKJV.

This post has evolved from God’s silence during difficult situations, to the diarrhea that’s been plaguing me ~ which is the most difficult situation I’ve had to deal with in a very long time. I haven’t published in over a month, but the reason for that is because I’ve been very ill. Fortunately, though, things are looking up. I finally have an appointment with a GI specialist this coming Saturday. I pray she’ll be able to give me some wisdom on what’s causing the diarrhea, as well as some solutions.

I’ve had the feeling at times with all of this that I’m dying, because I’ve felt so truly awful, and while going home to be with Jesus would be the very best of all possible realities, I really don’t think it’s my time yet. I still have things to do for the Lord!

So I’ll leave you with this:

24Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, 25To God our Savior, Who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen. ~ Jude 1:24-25, NKJV.

Jun20

Trust. Trust?? Trust Who? Trust What?

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Throughout the long time that I’ve been dealing with chronic diarrhea, I’ve been praying for God to heal me, but all I’ve really gotten from God was Him telling me to trust. Just trust. And I’ve gotten to the point that I’m frustrated and discouraged and disheartened, because my activities are severely limited and so is my diet. Just about everything I eat causes an attack of diarrhea, or so it seems.

My doctor suggested maybe I had developed a sensitivity to gluten after the surgery on my knee last January, so I bought a lot of gluten-free food. I’ve been eating it, but I can’t really tell if it’s making a difference, because I still have episodes sometimes. I don’t have any of the symptoms of Crohn’s disease except for the diarrhea (no skin rashes, abdominal cramping, or bloating).

Another issue that’s cropped up because of the diarrhea is the problem I have with taking showers (there are times after a particularly bad attack where I have no choice but to take one). This has been an issue for me for a long time because one of the main places Harry (my biological father) abused me was in the shower. The first abuse memory I had was of him forcing me to have oral sex with him in the shower when I was about two years old. I’ve had memories of him making me have sex with his friends in the shower, and him paying them money for the experience. It was never very much money, usually a dollar or two, but money always exchanged hands. It was the fatherly version of human trafficking. So, as you might guess, I don’t like taking showers, because oftentimes when I do, I have flashbacks.

I think the point of the money was to let me know that I was of very little worth to him. He sold me to his friends in the amount specified, never more than a couple of dollars. One time it was $1.53, and he told me that was what I was worth to him. Thankfully God has shown me conclusively that Harry was lying about that, though in his mind he was telling the truth. I don’t know why he hated me so much, but I forgive him. And I forgive the men with whom he forced me to have sex as well.

I’ve tried to figure if he was disappointed because I wasn’t a boy, or something like that, but if that was what his problem was, the genetics of my gender were his responsibility, not mine! So if he’s going to hate anyone it should have been himself, not me! Talk about projection!

I forgive him! And I forgive them too!

I’m reminded that Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot for thirty pieces of silver.

14Then Judas Iscariot, one of the twelve disciples, went to the leading priests 15and asked, “How much will you pay me to betray Jesus to you?” And they gave him thirty pieces of silver. 16From that time on, Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus. ~ Matthew 26:14-16, NLT.

The point in bringing up the stuff about the shower is that everytime I have to take a shower now, I feel like God is bullying me into taking showers again, because I went for a long period where I didn’t take them. During the quarantine I wasn’t going anywhere, and it was just easier to not take them because when I did I had flashbacks. I can’t smell anything except gardenias and jasmine, as I got punched in the nose when I was in the seventh grade, and it did nerve damage, so I have to ask my friends if I want to know anything about what smells good or bad, or if there’s any smell at all.

This diarrhea has been going on for so long that it’s hard for me to know who to trust ~ or not trust ~ at this point. There are times when I’ll have an attack, and then I’ll have another one on the heels of the previous attack before I’ve even had time to leave the bathroom. Yesterday was like that. It feels like my body has turned into a leaky sieve and it’s impossible to plug it up. And the thing is, I don’t understand why God isn’t answering my prayers and healing me. I’m just supposed to trust. Trust what?? Trust who??

AARRGGHH!!!

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I feel like a modern-day version of Psalm 88,

1O LORD, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day. I come to you at night. 2Now hear my prayer; listen to my cry. 3For my life is full of troubles, and death draws near. 4I am as good as dead, like a strong man with no strength left. 5They have left me among the dead, and I lie like a corpse in a grave. I am forgotten, cut off from your care. 6You have thrown me into the lowest pit, into the darkest depths. 7Your anger weighs me down; with wave after wave you have engulfed me.
Selah
8You have driven my friends away by making me repulsive to them. I am in a trap with no way of escape. 9My eyes are blinded by my tears. Each day I beg for your help, O LORD; I lift my hands to you for mercy. 10Are your wonderful deeds of any use to the dead? Do the dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love? Can they proclaim your faithfulness in the place of destruction? 12Can the darkness speak of your wonderful deeds? Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness talk about your righteousness? 13O LORD, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day. 14O LORD, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me? 15I have been sick and close to death since my youth. I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors. 16Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have paralyzed me. 17They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have engulfed me completely. 18You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend. ~ Psalm 88:1-18, NLT.

I included the whole of Psalm 88 because the Psalms are really wonderful at describing how you’re feeling, especially when life gets really bad, and Psalm 88 is perfect for that. It’s the only psalm where there’s no positive note at the end. All the other psalms have a reassuring, encouraging note at the end, but not Psalm 88. The only thing positive about this psalm is that the psalmist doesn’t stop praying.

So I think I’ll leave it at that. I would appreciate any prayers from my followers if you feel so lead, because I’m in a pretty bad place at the moment, in case you can’t tell.

Thanks in advance! I love you all!

May6

If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

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If You’re Trusting Your Feelings Your Lighthouse Has Gone Dark

I’m still struggling with the diarrhea that was the subject of my last post, Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. I thought it was getting better, but a few days ago I had a really bad episode that left me feeling very discouraged. I know, at least in my mind, that it’s not God who’s making me sick. I just don’t understand why it’s continuing on for such a long time when I’ve prayed in faith for God to heal me. I guess I need to continue to trust and believe no matter whether I see results or not.

That’s a hard thing to do, you know ~ keep believing even when I don’t see results, especially when healing from diarrhea is what I’m praying for, and it keeps happening over and over and over and over and… well, you get the picture. It seems like it will never end, and it gets harder and harder to believe God when diarrhea keeps pouring out my other end ~ and I do mean that literally (and if you’re wincing at the image that evokes, just think how I feel everytime it happens!).

A complicating factor in all this is that I’m in constant pain from the arthritis in my knees and hips. Ever since I had the arthroscopic surgery on my right knee last January I’ve been in constant, agonizing pain. After the surgery the doctor gave me a prescription for oxycodone. I took it one time, but it didn’t help much, and I knew then that I wouldn’t take it anymore. I’ve decided not to take any pain killers other than an anti-inflammatory drug and extra-strength Tylenol because I don’t want to mess with an addiction on top of what’s already going on in my life. I’ve found that the Tylenol and the anti-inflammatory work enough to keep the pain bearable so I can function if I’m consistent about taking them twice a day.

I’ve mentioned all of the above so that I can write about what I really want to talk about…

If I let myself be governed by feelings, which would be really easy to do what with the diarrhea that seems to be ruling my life at the moment, then I would become discouraged and full of despair, and give up ever believing that God will deliver me from this scourge.

But I don’t want to do that! I don’t want to let the light in my lighthouse go out, because Jesus is the light of my life. He is the light of my world, and if I give place to despair, my world will become full of darkness, and I don’t want that to happen. If I ever gave up on Jesus, that would be a disaster in my life. God never gave up on me, not one time, so I never want to give up on Him.

For You, O LORD, are my lamp; the LORD illumines and dispels my darkness. ~ 2 Samuel 22:29, Amplified Bible.

Your word is a lamp to walk by, and a light to illumine my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NET.

I like the way the NET translates that verse, but I also like the way the NKJV and the ESV render it,

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ~ Psalm 119:105, NKJV and ESV.

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” ~ John 8:12, NKJV.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that feelings are notoriously unreliable, but Jesus, the lover of my soul, is ever faithful, and will never lie to me, will never break His promises to me, and as I quoted above, He said about Himself that He is “the light of the world.” ~ John 8:12 and 9:5. So it stands to reason that He can be my lighthouse and my port in whatever storm I’m going through.

On the other hand, if I start following my feelings, then the light in that lighthouse will go dark, so to speak, and when that happens it can’t be relied upon to lead me anywhere. And considering God has been leading and protecting me throughout my life whether I knew it or not, it behooves me to continue following His guidance now that I do know about it. He is faithful to perform His Word in my life. He always has been and He always will be.

8“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. 9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. 10“For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 11So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NKJV.

Something else I’ve come to understand is that God is much more interested in the growth and development of my character than He is in my happiness. Happiness is temporal and fleeting, and is based on what’s happening in the moment, but my character development is a part the process of sanctification and becoming more and more like Jesus, which I very much desire. So while sanctification is sometimes painful and uncomfortable, I’ll take that any day over being happy, as long as I know God is in it.

I was reminded of the verse in 2 Corinthians that says,

For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17, Christian Standard Bible.

It feels like diarrhea is so much more than a light and momentary affliction, especially since it’s been going on for such a long time (I know in God’s eyes two months is less than the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye, but to me it feels like an eternity). But when I think of what it’s like in Heaven, diarrhea truly is nothing by comparison, regardless of how long it lasts.

I mean, Heaven has streets paved in gold that’s so pure it’s transparent like glass, and colors beyond anything we’ve ever imagined here on earth ~ and that’s just for starters. Jesus will be there in the flesh and I’ll get to meet Him face to face, and know Him as He knows me now. I can’t think of any better reality than knowing Jesus face to face. There can be nothing better than that!

And if we think we know what beauty is here on earth, we don’t have a clue. Heaven is sublimely beautiful far beyond anything human beings can comprehend. The best description can be found in the Book of Revelation. It’s a long passage, but as you read it just envision in your mind’s eye the amazing, unimaginable beauty that the passage is describing,

12The city wall was broad and high, with twelve gates guarded by twelve angels. And the names of the twelve tribes of Israel were written on the gates. … 14The wall of the city had twelve foundation stones, and on them were written the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. 15The angel who talked to me held in his hand a gold measuring stick to measure the city, its gates, and its wall. 16When he measured it, he found it was a square, as wide as it was long. In fact, its length and width and height were each 1,400 miles. 17Then he measured the walls and found them to be 216 feet thick… 18The wall was made of jasper, and the city was pure gold, as clear as glass. 19The wall of the city was built on foundation stones inlaid with twelve precious stones: the first was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20the fifth onyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, the twelfth amethyst. 21The twelve gates were made of pearls—each gate from a single pearl! And the main street was pure gold, as clear as glass. … 23And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. ~ Revelation 21: 12, 14 – 21, and 23, NLT.

So regardless of how bad things seem now, the present is nothing compared to what’s coming in Heaven,

7But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the ages for our glory, 8which none of the rulers of this age knew; for had they known, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. ~ [Isaiah 64:4], 1 Corinthians 2:7-9, NKJV.

I can’t wait!!

Apr23

Ecclesiastes Is Holding Sway In My Life Right Now. But Christ…

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1“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!”…8Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content. Ecclesiastes 1:2, 8, NLT.

The dichotomy between the meaninglessness of Ecclesiastes and leading a victorious Christian life is especially pertinent when things are not going well, which is something I will talk about below.

The whole idea of Christ bearing my sins for me was really brought home to me this Easter. It all of sudden occurred to me that when Jesus took my sins in His body on the Cross, He bore ALL my sins, and once that happened, I became sin-less, as if I had never sinned. I could picture myself completely innocent, as if I had never done anything wrong, a perfectly pure and undefiled baby who had never been affected by the evil of this broken world.

Being able to see myself in that way really makes a difference in the way I navigate my life, or at least it should. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way. As Paul said in Romans, Chapter Seven,

21I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God’s law with all my heart. 23But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. ~ Romans 7:21-25, NLT.

So even though I know, at least positionally, that I am completely sinless, I’m still dominated by sin in my day-to-day life. And my favorite verse in the above passage is verse 24,

24O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

I especially feel the wretchedness of Romans 7:24 when things aren’t going well, as is the case right now. I’ve been suffering from a case of chronic, sometimes explosive diarrhea for about two months now, and I’m beginning to feel like it’ll never end. I’ve become very discouraged. I’ve had accident after accident after accident, and once it happened while I was out and about. When that happened I was taking Solomon and Gracie to a vet appointment and I’d already arrived at the vet’s office, so I couldn’t turn around and go home. I just had to go in and head for the restroom. Talk about humiliating! Fortunately it wasn’t as bad an episode as some of the other ones have been, but that it happened at all was bad enough.

My doctor doesn’t know what’s causing it. I’ve had stool samples analyzed by the lab, and they found nothing, so now my doctor wants me to see a GI doctor. The problem with that is that I don’t trust anyone but my primary care doctor, and my therapist, and God. One of the people who abused me when I was a kid was a doctor, so I have big trust issues with medical people.

Another aspect of this is that I’m in constant pain from my hips and knees. I can’t stand for more than a couple of minutes before it becomes unbearable. I realize it’s not related to the diarrhea, but it’s definitely a complicating factor.

I know that my posts are usually positive and sweetness and light, but I’m really struggling here, and if I can’t be honest on my blog, where can I be, except with God?

I think things started to get bad after I published a post on November 27 of last year called I Will Never Doubt the Goodness of God. Ever since I published that post it seems like things started getting worse and worse, culminating in this horrible diarrhea. I get the feeling the devil is trying to make me change my stance on God’s goodness.

Well, I’m not going to! I don’t understand why this diarrhea has continued on for so long, and I really don’t understand why God hasn’t healed me, when I’ve prayed for healing, and prayed and prayed and prayed for it. The accidents just keep happening and happening, and I’m so TIRED. I’ve also begun yelling at God, and I thought I was beyond that, plus I really don’t like doing it. I think I’ve given up on God healing me, because I’ve stopped asking.

I feel like I’ve begun to lose hope, something I didn’t think would ever happen once God set me free. But here I am.

However, even though I can’t feel it, I refuse to believe all hope is lost.

17Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: 18Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 19The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-19, KJV.

And then there’s this from the Psalms,

12But the godly will flourish like palm trees and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon. 13For they are transplanted to the LORD’s own house. They flourish in the courts of our God. 14Even in old age they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green. ~ Psalm 92:12-14, NLT.

So maybe all is not lost, and what I need to do is trust that God is there even though I can’t feel or see Him right now. I know that His Word is true, and He is just as faithful in the hard times as He is when things are good. Jesus is still the Author and Finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2), and I want Him to continue on in that role.

21This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. 23They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 24“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I hope in Him!” ~ Lamentations 3:21-24, NKJV.

I thank you, Lord, for Your goodness and kindness to me! Whether I can feel it or not, I know You are with me, because Your Word says You are! You’ve been with me throughout my life and that won’t change now, because You are ever faithful to me!