Category Archives: Salvation

Feb25

Hmm… What Should I Write About?

Posted on by
Standard
Hmm… What Should I Write About?

How’s that for a title? I wonder if King David ever sat down to write a psalm and pondered on what he should write about before he started. I can picture him sitting before a vintage typewriter with a blank piece of papyrus in it. Now, obviously, King David didn’t have a typewriter back when he was alive. He had a quill with papyrus, so I’m taking great poetic license here. Regardless of that, however, it’s fun to imagine King David with a little bit of writer’s block.

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

The above psalm was actually written by the sons of Korah rather than King David, but it’s my go-to Scripture as concerns all things writing, and I haven’t been able to find a better one. I’d love to find a verse where the psalmist talks about struggling to write, but I don’t know if one exists. There are 31,102 verses in the whole Bible, which translates to 23,145 verses in the Old Testament and 7,957 verses in the New Testament. There seems to be a verse for everyone and every circumstance, so maybe, just maybe, there’s a verse for people struggling with writer’s block. I just have to find it. O God, please help me find it if it exists!

Then, last night as I was sitting in my car reading in the book of Luke, God showed me something. My roommate had to take her dog to the vet, and then she had to go to Albertsons. So I went with her and sat in the car reading my Bible while she did her errands at the vet and the market.

I was reading in Luke Four, where Jesus was in the wilderness for forty days being tempted by the devil.

1Then Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan River and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, 2where for forty days he endured temptations from the devil. … 5Then the devil led him up to a high place and showed him in a flash all the kingdoms of the world. 6And he said to him, “To you I will grant this whole realm – and the glory that goes along with it, for it has been relinquished to me, and I can give it to anyone I wish. 7So then, if you will worship me, all this will be yours.” 8Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘You are to worship the Lord your God and serve only him.'” ~ Luke 4:1-2, 5-8 [Deuteronomy 6:13], NET.

What God showed me had to do specifically with Satan’s statement to Jesus that he would give Him all his authority if He would just fall down and worship him. And it occurred to me that there’s no way Satan would actually keep that promise. In the first place, Satan is a liar. Jesus said in John 8,

For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. ~ John 8:44, NLT.

Jesus was talking to the Pharisees in this verse, but He was talking about Satan. My point in quoting John 8:44 is to show that the devil is a liar. In fact, as Jesus said, “Satan is the father of lies.”

So when the devil told Jesus that he would give Him all his authority in Luke 4:6, I don’t believe he had any intention of keeping that promise. He couldn’t keep it because if he had, it would have reversed everything he’d managed to accomplish since Adam and Eve gave in to him in the Garden of Eden. It would have been catastrophic for him if he’d done that.

On the other hand, if Jesus had accepted Satan’s challenge and taken him up on his offer, then Satan wouldn’t have had to give up his authority, because Jesus would have started worshiping someone other than the Father, which would have broken the First Commandment.

You shall have no other gods before me. ~ Exodus 20:3, NET.

You must not have any other god but me. Deuteronomy 5:7, NLT.

I think the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit had a plan that They’d come up with before the beginning of time, before Adam and Eve were ever created, to save humanity, because They knew from the very beginning that we were going to blow it.

19but [you were actually purchased] with precious blood, like that of a [sacrificial] lamb unblemished and spotless, the priceless blood of Christ. 20For He was foreordained (foreknown) before the foundation of the world, but has appeared [publicly] in these last times for your sake ~ 1 Peter 1:19-20, AMP.

And the Amplified Bible included a footnote with the word foreordained from verse 20: “The Son of God always existed and it was always known that He would be the Redeemer of mankind.”

Additionally, Jesus knew in advance that He would go to the Cross and sacrifice His life for us, and He did it willingly.

17This is why the Father loves me – because I lay down my life, so that I may take it back again. 18No one takes it away from me, but I lay it down of my own free will. I have the authority to lay it down, and I have the authority to take it back again. This commandment I received from my Father.” ~ John 10:17-18, NET.

I like the way the New Living Translation transcribes it as well:

17“The Father loves me because I sacrifice my life so I may take it back again. 18No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.” ~ John 10:17-18, NLT.

I could be wrong about this. I’m wrong about a lot of things, but it makes sense scripturally. I kind of feel like I’m going out on a limb here, but I read it to McT, my therapist, and he likes it, so I think I’m going to go with it.

Well, I think that’s it. It’s taken me a really long time to write this post, but I thoroughly enjoyed doing it. It was thought provoking, as well as prayer provoking, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that! Plus I learned a bunch of stuff into the bargain, and I love being able to do that. I hope everyone enjoys reading it!

Nov7

The Biggest Question

Posted on by
Standard
The Biggest Question

What should I write about? This is the kind of question a writer might ask if they’re suffering from writer’s block. I don’t think I’m having that problem here, because it’s only been a few days since I published my last post, but thus far anyway, I’m drawing a blank. I’m seeking God’s wisdom on what to write about, as I always do, but as it stands now, I’ve got nothing. I don’t expect it to remain that way, and it is 4 a.m. so I’m probably just tired, but I think I need to put my brain in before I can come up with a topic.

So maybe I should go to bed.

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalm 4:8, NKJV.

3He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. 4Behold, He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. ~ Psalm 121:3-4, NKJV.

I find Psalm 121 to be very comforting. It tells me that I can sleep well because God isn’t sleeping at all. He’s protecting me instead.

It is a waste of time to get up early and stay up late, trying to make a living. The Lord provides for those he loves, even while they are sleeping. ~ Psalm 127:2, Easy-to-Read Version.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19, NKJV.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ~ Philippians 4:11, NLT.

I’m preaching to myself with all these Scripture verses, and it’s now about 5:30 the next afternoon. Trump won the election, so I’m feeling like maybe there’s hope for my beloved country (I started writing this about 4 a.m. on November 6, 2024).

And for anyone who might disagree with me on this, I didn’t vote for Trump the person. I voted for platforms and policies. I voted for the people who will kill the fewest number of preborn babies. I voted for the people who will most support and protect the nation of Israel.

I voted for the people who will most support and protect traditional marriage (i.e. between a man and a woman). I voted for the people who will most support and protect the traditional family. I voted for the people who will most support and protect our children from LGBTQ+, and transgender ideologies, and who will most support and protect the original intent of Title IX.

I voted for the people who will most protect and defend our borders from illegal aliens, and who will most support and protect the Constitution and Bill of Rights of this nation as they were originally drafted by our Founding Fathers.

I don’t have a problem with welcoming immigrants to come here, as long as they do it legally, and as long as they aren’t coming here with the intention of committing crimes against American citizens. If you want to commit crimes while you’re here, then don’t come. Go someplace else to do your dirty work. That might not sound very Christian of me, but God expects us to obey the laws of the land, and if you don’t do that, then you can expect to pay the consequences, no matter where you’re from. If you end up in prison, I might come and visit you so I can tell you about how much Jesus loves you, and died to save you from your sins.

1Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. 2So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. ~ Romans 13:1-2, NLT.

This post kind of ended up going in a different direction than I had intended, but I’ve always used this blog for my own personal issues concerning my healing. And now that I’m doing so much better, I’m kind of sensing that the Lord wants me to use it to speak up for righteousness as well. It will take some courage on my part, because I’ve never been one to make waves. I’ve always preferred to be a little mouse in the corner because it was safer. When I was a kid, I couldn’t speak up, because if I did, Harry would get me in some pretty terrible ways. It just wasn’t safe when he was around. I had to protect myself in order to stay alive, and even though I didn’t know it at the time, God was protecting me too, something for which I will always be grateful.

But, thank God, Harry is dead, as I wrote about back on January 17, 2020, so while I’m sad that he’s gone (because that means there’s no hope now for him to get saved), I no longer have to be afraid. I’m safe now. I can speak up without fear of what man will do to me.

So from now on, from time to time, I may write about things that aren’t related to me and my healing specifically, but that are meaningful to me in other ways ~ ways that are about promoting righteousness, and promoting a biblical worldview. I do have opinions about things in our culture, but I’ve never expressed them before, because I was always afraid of what other people might think of me. I’m no longer afraid, however. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me except my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He’s the only One whose opinion matters to me, because He’s the only One Who can get me into Heaven where He is. And I want to be where He is! I want to see His lovely face! I want to look Him in the eyes, and tell Him how much I love Him, and how grateful I am for everything He’s done for me!

I want to end with a quote from a poem by 19th century missionary, Charles Thomas Studd:

“Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.”
~ Charles Thomas Studd

That’s what’s important to me now. It’s always been important to me, but more and more, I’m realizing just how important and necessary it is to make sure that whatever I do is done for the glory of God.

Oct9

An Unusual Endeavor

Posted on by
Standard

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m kind of shy as far as sharing Jesus is concerned. I don’t talk about my faith easily with anyone. But I’ve been praying that God would help me to become bold about sharing my faith with other people, because the Bible says,

“For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.” ~ Luke 9:26, NKJV.

I don’t ever want Jesus Christ to have to say that He’s ashamed of me! I want more than anything to have God be pleased with me, to have Him say, “Well done, Sarah! You’ve done what I wanted you to do! You’ve served Me well, and I’m so pleased with you!”

I’m getting better at it. It’s easy to be bold on Facebook, though, to be honest, I think that’s because I can’t see the faces of the people I’m talking to, so I don’t know how they’re reacting to what I’m saying. I can’t tell if they’re rejecting my ideas ~ which, in my mind means they’re rejecting me ~ but who cares if they reject me. They rejected Jesus before me, and He’s the Son of God, so I’ve decided it’s time for me to get over myself. It’s always more important what God thinks of me. I don’t care anymore what other people think of me.

Like I said, it’s getting easier to be bold, thankfully. And then, a couple of weeks ago, at a Wednesday night Bible Study at church, God laid it on my heart that I need to witness to a friend. It happened during worship as we were preparing to take Communion. I’ve been concerned about this friend for a very long time, but Wednesday night I felt a new urgency about it, and I knew I had to write him a letter telling him about Jesus, and what He’s done for me.

I can always tell when God is speaking to me, because it happens when I least expect it, usually during times of worship, and especially during worship at church. It’s even happened before when I’m taking a shower, I’m assuming because I play worship music during that time. I don’t hear actual words, nothing like that. I get ideas that I know aren’t my thoughts, because they’re ideas that are very different than my thoughts.

So, even though I knew it would be a difficult letter to write, I knew I had to be obedient to God’s leading. To disobey would be to risk my friend’s eternal destiny, and I didn’t want to be responsible for not witnessing Jesus’ love and God’s saving grace for him, and losing the chance to plant seeds for his salvation. So I prayed that God would give me the words to write and the boldness to say what was necessary, and I wrote the letter. It took me a couple of days, but I got it written, and I sent it off. I was quite surprised at how outspoken and audacious I was able to be. I really laid it on the line, and I was very grateful to God for His help in knowing what to say and how to say it.

There are a number of places in Scripture where it says you don’t have to worry about knowing what to say when you’re in front of people who want to know what you believe. When that happens, Jesus said in the New Testament that you would be given the words to speak by the Holy Spirit, and, God told Moses the same thing in the Book of Exodus,

“Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” ~ Exodus 4:12, NLT.

I use that Scripture whenever I’ll be talking to someone and I’m not sure what to say to them. And then, Jesus told us in the Gospels,

18“You will stand trial before governors and kings because you are my followers. But this will be your opportunity to tell the rulers and other unbelievers about me. 19When you are arrested, don’t worry about how to respond or what to say. God will give you the right words at the right time. 20For it is not you who will be speaking—it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” ~ Matthew 10:18-20, NLT.

9“But watch out for yourselves, for they will deliver you up to councils, and you will be beaten in the synagogues. You will be brought before rulers and kings for My sake, for a testimony to them. 10And the gospel must first be preached to all the nations. 11But when they arrest you and deliver you up, do not worry beforehand, or premeditate what you will speak. But whatever is given you in that hour, speak that; for it is not you who speak, but the Holy Spirit.” ~ Mark 13:9-11, NKJV.

11“Now when they bring you to the synagogues and magistrates and authorities, do not worry about how or what you should answer, or what you should say. 12For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” ~ Luke 12:11-12, NKJV.

As I was writing the letter I found the above Scriptures working in me, giving me the words I needed when I needed them, and I’m so grateful to the Holy Spirit for His assistance, because I couldn’t have written such a letter without His help. God is faithful in every circumstance! He has never failed me! Thank you Jesus, thank you Father, and thank you Holy Spirit!

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. ~ Psalm 45:1, NLT.

I don’t know if I’m a skillful poet, but I love to write, and I try to use beautiful words as I’m doing it, plus I’ve always loved that verse, so I think I’ll end here, even if it feels like a bit of a non sequitur. But this blog is all about writing. About my life, about serving God, and about God healing my life, not necessarily in that order.

And now I think I’m done!

Aug27

No Such Thing as a Mistake

Posted on by
Standard

I’ve been wanting to learn how to paint, and I even went so far as to tell my cousin, who’s a professional artist, that information. She responded by ordering some art supplies from Dick Blick, which was really cool, but which kind of scared me, because that meant I actually had to produce some artwork using the materials she sent me.

I love doing art, but I have an ambivalent, love-hate relationship with it, and with anything creative ~ making art, performing music, etc., etc. Doing creative activities fills me with fear because of the spectre of Harry threatening me if I make a mistake.

Whenever I would practice the piano as a child, if I made a mistake, Harry would stand behind me. But it wasn’t just that he was standing behind me. He stood behind me with no clothes on. His private parts were right at eye level, and he would snarl at me, “Do that again and you’ll regret it!” in a low voice so that only I could hear him. And because he was standing there naked, I knew what the punishment would be for my mistake: I’d get raped.

So I froze. I couldn’t go on practicing because I was so terrified, at which point Harry would hiss, “What are you waiting for? Keep on playing! Keep on playing!” My fear level was so high, the likelihood of another mistake was just about 100%. It seemed like Harry wanted me to do it again just so he could rape me. He was just looking for an excuse.

Even now I can feel the terror that I felt back then, and I want to weep for that little girl that I was, but as much as I want to hate Harry, I can’t, because I know God loves him as much as He loves me, so I choose to forgive him.

I don’t remember what happened after that, but suffice it to say that I’ve always had a hard time playing classical music, as much as I love doing it. Worship music is easier once I get going, but I haven’t played any music at all for many years, and artwork is also difficult for me for the same reason. I’m terrified I’ll make a mistake.

I was talking about this with McT during my last session, and the thought occurred to me that with God there’s no such thing as a mistake. Mistakes are under the blood of Christ. They were dealt with at the Cross, and I don’t have to be afraid of them anymore. Now I have to figure out how take that idea into my heart so I can act on it and actually begin to make art.

That’s the puzzle. That’s the conundrum. How do I act on it and begin to make art? I think I just have to step out in faith and start!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ Hebrews 11:1, NKJV.

It’s funny. I don’t have a problem doing counted cross stitch, even when I make mistakes and have to frog something I’m working on (frogging is when you’ve made a mistake and have to rip something out; you know, rippit rippit rippit), which is what’s happening with my current project. It’s a sampler by Long Dog Samplers called Jouissance, and it’s really beautiful. I’ve provided a link to it so you can see a picture of what it’s supposed to look like, but I might include a pic of it here as well, partly because I’m using a different colorway than what was originally called for. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make the images here smaller, to no avail, so what you see is what you get. They’re both a little blurred and larger than I’d like, but I think you can get an idea of what it looks like.

The Original Version of Jouissance

As I said, I’m having a problem with this project, because I discovered last night that I’ve miscounted, so I’ll have to frog some stitches or else my count will be off for the whole project. Fortunately I’m not that far along, but it’s annoying that I have to rip out these stitches because it’s the second time I’m having to do so. I miscounted it in the same spot a couple of days ago because I keep mixing up which end of the chart is up.

My Version of Jouissance

SILLY ME!!

I’ll have to label the top of the chart in big bold letters so I can’t make the mistake again, because I really hate having to frog my stitches! It slows my progress and it can be discouraging if I let it get me down.

I’m not sure why cross stitching is different than other kinds of creativity as far as my ability to do it without fear, but it is, and I love doing it.

It seems to me that mistakes in artwork can be thought of as creative variances or differences. You can use them to explore new creative pathways and experiments, and I’m thinking maybe that’s what I should do with the art materials my wonderful cousin sent me. I should play with them and have fun with them. If I can do that with them, then maybe learning how to paint with them won’t be so scary, and it’ll be easier to experiment with them like I’ve been thinking of doing.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.

That’s all I can think of at this point, so I think I’ll stop here. If nothing else I have to frog those miscounted stitches on my project so I can start making progress again. Oh well! But at least I caught the mistakes early so it won’t take much effort to fix them.

Onward and upward!

Apr10

Through the Eyes of Jesus

Posted on by
Standard

I’ve come to realize that everytime I look in the mirror I have two choices. I could see myself as Harry, the devil, and the world would have me believe that I am, or I could see myself as God sees me. Satan and the world, working through Harry, tried to convince me that I was ugly and worthless. But God thinks I’m beautiful, and He valued me enough that Christ was willing to go to the Cross and die to save me from my sins. And since God is smarter than Satan, and He’s certainly smarter than Harry was, I think I’ll stick with God.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” ~ 1 Samuel 16:7, NLT.

It took me many years to be able to come to that conclusion. I had to wade through a whole lot of pain and emotional sludge before I was able to reject what Harry had beat into me every day of my life, and believe what God said about me in Scripture.

There’s a saying that says beauty is only skin deep. Well, I beg to differ, because God, Master of the Universe, Creator of All Things, says otherwise. Whoever said beauty was only skin deep was ignorant. More to the point, they had their eyes focused on the wrong things. Skin-deep beauty is only what you can see on the surface, but there’s so much more underneath that. As 1 Samuel 16:7 says above, God looks at the heart, and I think that’s where the true beauty lies, for it’s out of the abundance of the heart that one speaks.

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. ~ Luke 6:45, NKJV.

One can read beautiful poetry or speak deadly curses. The one will create positive feelings, and the other will cause sadness and depression

"Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes,
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries."

Those four lines are from Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poem, Aurora Leigh, and I think they are some of the most beautiful poetry I’ve ever read anywhere. They talk about God’s presence everywhere on earth, whether you see Him or not, and if you choose, you will recognize that He’s there, and everytime I read those lines I think beautiful thoughts, and God shows me new things from His Word.

How cool is that!!

2There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement. Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn’t burn up. 3“This is amazing,” Moses said to himself. “Why isn’t that bush burning up? I must go see it.” 4When the LORD saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, “Moses! Moses!” “Here I am!” Moses replied. 5“Do not come any closer,” the LORD warned. “Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. ~ Exodus 3:2-5, NLT.

As far as the negative is concerned, I’ve heard enough evil, gloomy, bleak, and fearful stuff from Harry and my mother to last me into eternity. All that negative input made me hate myself. It also motivated me to become self-abusive, and it drove me to consider suicide. I tried it nine times, but thankfully I was unsuccessful. At the time I was mad. I thought, “Geez! I can’t even kill myself right!” But now I’m so glad my efforts were ineffective. I’m excited to be alive, and in love with Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

If only everyone could see themselves, as well as other people, the way God sees them! It would make such a difference in people’s lives, and in the way culture is played out. People would be able to see the true beauty in the people around them, as well as themselves, and things like plastic surgery would be much less common, or maybe not even be practiced at all.

So those are just some thoughts I’ve been thinking about, with Resurrection Sunday on my mind (it was yesterday), and being grateful for all that Jesus Christ did for me on the Cross and three days later in His Resurrection, and all that He continues to do for me every day. Any gratitude I express now can’t come close to what I really feel, but I’ll say it anyway, because I can’t keep silent about it.

Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6, NLT.

God has blessed me with such abundance that I can’t even describe it, and I am SOOO GRATEFUL!! God is SOOO GOOD!! Thank You Jesus!!

Mar20

The Big Seven-Oh, or Seventy Years of Gratitude

Posted on by
Standard

Today is my birthday and I’m seventy years old. Seventy years old. WOW!! That means I’ve lived seventy years. Seventy years is a VERY long time. That means God has kept me alive for seventy years, through nine suicide attempts, through my mother’s attempts to kill me when I was a baby, and through all of Harry’s threats to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me.

I think it means I’m kind of a miracle, given all that God had to do to keep me alive through all those years and all that mess, and I thank Him for it. I’m incredibly grateful to Him for it!

But what I’m most grateful for is what Christ did on the Cross. If He hadn’t gone to the Cross and died for my sins, then all that other stuff wouldn’t be worth a hill of beans. So more than anything I’m grateful for my salvation. It’s far and away the best decision I’ve ever made.

It turns out that 70 years is equal to 25,550 days, which is the same as 613,200 hours, which translates into 36,792,000 minutes, which is equivalent to 2,207,520,004 seconds. That’s 2 billion, 207 million, 520 thousand, and 4 seconds, just in case you got lost in all those numbers like I did. And it turns out that in these same seventy years, my heart has beat 2,450,000,000 times. That’s 2 billion, 450 million times. WOW!!!

That’s a LOT of seconds, and a whole lot of heartbeats!

It may seem kind of silly for me to go from years all the way down to seconds, and even more so on the number of heartbeats, but I’m doing it to remind myself and anyone who reads this that God has been faithful in fulfilling His promises to me, and has kept me alive through thick and thin every second of every day throughout the years of my life, from the day I was born onward.

I find that amazing, given what I’ve experienced in my life! And it fills me with gratitude towards God, and Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit for all that they’ve done for me.

I could be dwelling on all the bad, evil, and negative stuff that’s been in my life, but what good would it do me? It’s not happening anymore. It’s in the past, and I can’t change it, or wish it away, and I certainly can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I know I relate abuse incidents that happened when I was a kid ~ things Harry or my mother did to me or whatever ~ but my purpose in doing so is to demonstrate how God has been working in me from the time I was born onward to save my life and keep me alive long enough for me to decide to accept His free gift of salvation, and then He could begin to heal me. It’s never to glorify the abuse, or the evil that was done to me.

And looking back, I don’t think I would want to change any of it. If I were to change any of my life, what would I change? Would I ask for different parents? Would I ask to be born in a different country or a different culture? If I were to change any of it, even a little bit, then I wouldn’t be me, and I’ve grown to like myself. And besides that, if I were to come from different parents ~ which could mean that there would be no abuse in my (new) background ~ then I would be someone else. I would be another person with different DNA, and different siblings, or maybe no siblings at all.

And while having a different family, and therefore different DNA, and no abuse, thereby making me a completely different me would be something to consider, I don’t think I would want anything different than what God has already given me. The main reason for this is that if I were a different person, there’s no guarantee that I would have the kind of relationship with God that I have now, and God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are the most important aspect of my life. I can’t live without them. I don’t know but what I would reject God and become an atheist if I were this different person. I would really not want that. In fact I hate the very idea of it.

While the life God has given me has been full of suffering, it’s also been a life that’s full of God, and I would much rather have a God-filled life that’s full of suffering than a life empty of God with no suffering. To me the life separated from God actually has greater suffering than a life filled with God. So I’ll take my life any day, because, though it’s been filled with suffering, it’s also been full of God, and the presence of God makes all the difference.

Jesus + nothing = EVERYTHING!!!

10My aim is to know Him, to experience the power of His resurrection, to share in His sufferings, and to be like Him in His death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. ~ Philippians 3:10-11, NET.

Feb2

My Blocked Brain

Posted on by
Standard

It’s been about two weeks since I tried to write anything, mostly because I made a muddle of the post I was working on, and I just couldn’t finish it. So I decided I would try writing a train-of-thought post, just so I could get myself putting words to paper, so to speak, thereby, hopefully, unblocking my brain. We’ll see how it goes…

I got myself on a reading program ~ finally, though it remains to be seen if I’ll be able to maintain it over the long haul. As much as I love God’s Word, I struggle to read it consistently every day. As the Bible says, “…The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” ~ Matthew 26:41, and Mark 14:38, NIV. Sometimes I’ll go for months without reading it at all, even though I use it all the time. I quote it here in just about every blog post I write, and I use it when I’m praying for myself, and for other people. But I know I need to keep reading and studying regularly to keep my spiritual tank full, plus I always have fun when I’m doing my reading.

I suppose that sounds strange. How can you have fun when you’re reading the Bible? Well, I do. I don’t find the Bible at all boring. The Bible is full of fascinating stories, and beautiful poetry, and gorgeous imagery. Now, to be sure, you have to believe that God exists, and that the stories contained in the Bible are true, but that’s not a problem for me, because I do believe in God, and I love Him passionately, and I believe that the stories in the Bible are true, because God is a god of miracles, and He can’t lie. So if He says something in the Bible happened, then it really happened, because God can’t tell a lie.

God is not a man, so He does not lie. He is not human, so He does not change His mind. Has He ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through? ~ Numbers 23:19, NLT.

God means everything to me, as does Jesus Christ, His Son, and so does the Holy Spirit. Jesus saved me gloriously by dying on the cross, and coming back from the dead, and the Holy Spirit lives in me, and guides and teaches me everyday as the guarantor of my hope of eternal life, and of God fulfilling His promises to me.

And you too trusted him, when you heard the message of truth, the Gospel of your salvation. And after you gave your confidence to him you were, so to speak, stamped with the promised Holy Spirit as a guarantee of purchase, until the day when God completes the redemption of what he has paid for as his own; and that will again be to the praise of his glory. ~ Ephesians 1:13-14, J.B. Phillips New Testament.

When I’m reading my Bible, I get to spend time with God, and learn more about Him. Reading the Bible means I get to dive deeper into His Word, and come to a deeper understanding of who He is. God is an endless well of beauty and mystery and holiness and truth, and He wants us to search Him out so we can know and understand Him, even though we’ll never reach the bottom of that well. His mysteriousness is one of my favorite things about God, because there’s always something new to learn about Him, and the Bible is the place to look for the answers to your questions about Him.

When I say that Jesus saved me gloriously by dying on the cross for me, I mean just that. Not only did He save me because I’m a sinner ~ because I am a sinner. We’re all sinners, and if you think you aren’t, then you’re deceiving yourself. Just ask yourself about the last time you lied.

“You must not tell lies about other people.” ~ Exodus 20:16, Easy-to-Read Version (ERV, Commandment Number Nine.

Or how ‘bout the last time you coveted your neighbor’s car because yours is in the shop and his never breaks down.

“Do not want anything that belongs to someone else. Don’t want anyone’s house, wife or husband, slaves, oxen, donkeys or anything else.” ~ Exodus 20:17, Contemporary English Version (CEV), Commandment Number Ten.

Jesus also saved me from my childhood. If it wasn’t for God protecting me from the worst of my parents’ abuse, I wouldn’t be here to write this blog and tell you my story. God gave me the gift of multiplicity, which helped to keep me alive, and protect me when the abuse was too much for me to bear. I used to hate being multiple, but now I’m very grateful to God for the multiplicity, because I know how instrumental my alters were in keeping me alive. Multiplicity is a gift from God to help a child survive what is otherwise unsurvivable. Anyone who thinks multiplicity is demon possession doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

Well, I think my blocked brain is blocked no longer, thank God, and I think I’m pretty much done with this post. It’s a bit of a hodgepodge, but I said what I wanted to say.

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. ~ Ephesians 2:10, NLT.

In the Greek, the word masterpiece is poiēma, from which we get the English word poem, which is a thing of beauty, and that’s how I want to finish this post, because while that’s how God sees me, that’s also how I see God’s Word, because the Bible is a masterpiece.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.” ~ Isaiah 55:8-11, NLT.

One of the main reasons I love the Bible is because it’s a record of who God is, and what He’s like. And if the Bible says God can or can’t do something, then that’s what God can or can’t do. You can take the Bible at face value. What it says is the Truth. Jesus is the Word of God, and He’s also the embodiment of the Truth.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.~ John 1:1,14, NKJV.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.~ John 14:6, NIV.

I’ve been lied to many times in my life, so truth and integrity and honesty are important to me, and if I find someone whom I can trust to tell me the truth all the time, then I will give myself fully to that person. I’ve found that trustworthiness and integrity in God and in Jesus Christ, and in His Word. He’s healed me and saved me, and given me His Word to teach me and show me that He keeps His promises. I’m very grateful for everything God has done for me. He has my undying gratitude and love. I can never thank Him enough for saving me from Hell, and for saving me from the hell of my childhood.

Thank you, Jesus, thank you God, and thank you, Holy Spirit!!

Nov30

Cranky, Crabby Me, and Yet He Loves Me.

Posted on by
Standard

I’m feeling just generally out of sorts. It’s the beginning of Advent, and I keep thinking I should be feeling joyful, because Advent is the season that celebrates the coming of Jesus from Heaven into the world as a peeing, pooping baby. I mean, how amazing is that!? Jesus Christ stepped down from His Majesty on High to assume human form so He could save humanity from our sins.

It’s just so incredible and amazing that God Himself would do that, and that He would do so to save me, even when I’m cranky and crabby like I am right now. I should be grateful, not cranky, but I wish I could just go Home and be with Him instead of having to occupy here, where people, including me, are so mean and awful and evil.

But then, if I think about it, I used to be a whole lot meaner, and more awful and evil than I am now, when I’m just cranky and crabby. I needed Jesus back then, just like all the other mean, awful, and evil people do now. I’m so glad I got my act together and opened the door and let Jesus into my heart!

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” ~ Revelation 3:20, NKJV.

Jesus said that as He was rebuking the Church at Laodicea in Revelation 3:14-22. I’m grateful that I could open the door to my heart so that He could come in. That He would be willing to come in and take up residence in me is a marvel to me even to this day, especially when I’m in a bad mood. Jesus’ kindness and love for me is something that never ceases to amaze me! I know I don’t deserve it, and yet He continues to demonstrate such love that I can’t fathom it!

And He does it in so many different and innumerable ways! His creation is so beautiful that it takes my breath away, no matter where I look!

Long-tailed Sylph
Fiery-throated Hummingbird
Passion Flower
Gouldian Finch
Dove Orchid, or Habenaria radiata
Hooker’s Lips Flower
Tiny Peacock Spider, or Maratus caeruleus
Beautiful and Proud Peacock
Canadian Tulip
Above you can see just a few examples of things God has created. I’ve used these pictures before, but they continue to fascinate me, because God continues to fascinate me!

I don’t know how well you can see the photo of the Peacock spider. If you click on it, you might be able to get it to enlarge. If that doesn’t work (and it may not; it didn’t for me), then here’s the link to a whole website about Peacock spiders, and specifically this species of Peacock spider: https://www.peacockspider.org/#/maratus-caeruleus/, plus you can see pictures of a whole lot of other equally beautiful Peacock spiders.

Part of the reason I’m feeling so cranky has to do with Charlotte. You know, the kitten I got last July?

Charlotte right after I brought her home last July

After six months, she still hasn’t adapted to being with me, and I am very discouraged. She still runs away when I come into the room, and just about the only interaction she’s willing to have with me is to attack my ankles and feet when I’m sitting on the couch watching TV. And it HURTS when she does that!!

I’m so upset about the whole situation that I don’t know what to do, and I’m about to throw in the towel on the whole project. As a consequence I feel like an absolute, complete, and abject failure.

Throughout my life I’ve always been able to make friends with a cat. There’s never, ever been a cat that I’ve not been able to turn into a friend. So in my mind, there must be something wrong with me if I can’t get Charlotte to like, much less love me. So it feels like it’s every man, or rather cat, for herself in my house. And Charlotte’s winning!

So needless to say, I AM DISCOURAGED!! In the last couple of days I’ve asked, begged even, God to let me die and come Home to Heaven because I just can’t handle my life anymore. I hate myself, and I hate my life ~ so much so that I just don’t want to live it. I’m done.

I’M DONE!!!

Unfortunately, I don’t think God will answer that prayer in the affirmative. And at least part of the reason I know that is because I’M STILL HERE!! Darnit!!

I want to end this with some measure of hope, like a Scripture verse or something, but I can’t think of one to use.

Well, maybe…

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me. 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O LORD, You know it altogether… 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. ~ Psalm 139:1-4 and 7-8, NKJV.

And then there’s this…

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?… 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:35, 37-39, NLT.

I guess that’s the hopeful ending for my train-of-thought, disorganized, cranky, crabby post. Scripture says that God and His love are with me, regardless of how badly my life is going, or how terrible I’m feeling. No matter what’s going on in my life, God’s love is with me, and for me.

I can accept that. I can live with it, and I will always be grateful for it.

Thank you, Jesus!!

Sep11

An Attitude of Gratitude ~ Part II

Posted on by
Standard

Adopting an attitude of gratitude has been more helpful than anything else I’ve tried as I’ve recovered from my childhood. It was easy to focus on how awful I’d had it as a kid, but that didn’t help me to grow and heal. In fact, it only made me feel worse.

I spent years being angry at God for what had happened to me. In fact, that’s all I could see or think about. I devoted a great deal of time to informing Him about how badly He’d messed up my life by allowing Harry and my mother to abuse me as they had, by even placing me in that family in the first place.

What I didn’t understand was that God, because He’s GOD, and therefore Creator and Ruler over everything, including me, had the absolute right to do whatever He wished with my life, just because He’s God. What that means is that He didn’t have to ask my permission before He did something in my life. Specifically, He didn’t have to ask me, or explain to me, why He was placing me in the particular family that He put me in. He’s God and therefore sovereign, and doesn’t owe anyone an explanation about anything.

Woe to the man who fights with his Creator. Does the pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with him who forms it, saying, “Stop, you’re doing it wrong!” or the pot exclaim, “How clumsy can you be!”? ~ Isaiah 45:9, TLB (The Living Bible).

I love the way this translation words it, because that’s exactly what I was trying to do. I was trying to tell God that He had done it wrong by giving me those specific parents. As far as I was concerned, He should have given me much better parents. Parents who were nicer and more loving, as if God, Master of the Universe, Creator of All Things, had made a mistake. And I felt very angry, even enraged, about it too.

Looking back, I can see how incredibly arrogant and presumptuous I was in thinking that. I was displaying the same kind of arrogance Satan did when he decided he would assume God’s throne and overthrow Him, which of course, was impossible. The result of his presumption was that he got tossed out of Heaven forever, and thrown down to Earth.

“How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, you who weakened the nations! For you have said in your heart: ‘I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God; I will also sit on the mount of the congregation on the farthest sides of the north; I will ascend above the heights of the clouds, I will be like the Most High.’“ ~ Isaiah 14:12-14, NKJV.

Then the seventy returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your name.” And He said to them, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. ~ Luke 10:17-18, NKJV.

What I didn’t realize was that if He had given me different parents, then I wouldn’t be me. I’d be someone else with different DNA, a completely different genetic makeup, and completely different reactions to everything. Even more, I would also have a different relationship, or perhaps no relationship at all, with God, and the thought of that horrified and terrified me. I can’t imagine a life where God isn’t a part of it, nor do I want to.

So it seemed I had a decision to make, whether or not I was consciously aware of it. I could hold onto my anger at God, and reject Him and the salvation He offered through Jesus Christ. Or I could be smart and let go of my anger, and accept the grace, and the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.

I knew that letting go of my anger meant accepting my past and the terrible suffering that went with it, but there was suffering either way, whether I stayed angry or let go of it. I’d already begun to feel like I was losing my mind because the anger had such a tight grip on me. I was breaking things (the windshield of my car, and one of my tires had fallen victim to my rage), and it felt like there was band around my head that grew tighter every day because I was so angry all the time. In addition, I’d begun to fear that I would lose my salvation if I didn’t let the anger go, because I was yelling and cursing at God almost constantly, and while God is extremely patient and long-suffering, I couldn’t imagine that He’d put up with my childish temper tantrums forever, all the Scriptures to the contrary notwithstanding.

And then I heard James Dobson say something on a Focus On the Family broadcast that brought me up short, and made me think that maybe I was barking up the wrong tree. I don’t remember what the subject of the broadcast was, but what Dr. Dobson said was, “We don’t have the right to hold God accountable.”

What that meant to me was that I didn’t have the right to question God’s sovereignty, which is exactly what I was doing. Human beings don’t have the right to question their Creator’s plan for their lives. God loves us, and because He’s Perfect He really does know what’s best for us. Being Perfect means He doesn’t make mistakes with regard to our lives, and in my case, with regard to my life.

There are times when I have a hard time with that concept. When I consider the absolute Hell I went through as a child, and the love I’ve gone without, because neither parent was willing to meet my emotional needs in any substantive way, which left me feeling like I was starving to death emotionally most of the time.

But I’ve come to realize that God didn’t make a mistake by giving me these parents, as difficult as my life with them was. He had a plan. I think that plan was that I would be able to form a relationship with Him that would be so far above and beyond anything I could ever imagine, one that would never have happened had I been born into any other family.

I’ve come to value my relationship with God far more than any other affiliation in my life, and I wouldn’t be willing to give it up for anything. Thankfully I don’t think He expects me to.

Even though I feel like there’s a gaping hole in me emotionally, I know there’s only One Person who can meet that need, and that Person is Jesus Christ. So I will eagerly await His appearing, and long for the time when I can see His beautiful face, and know Him as He knows me now.

E‘en so, come quickly Lord Jesus!!

Sep9

Christ Didn’t Die On the Cross to Save Ice Cream, Nor Did Ice Cream Die On the Cross to Save Me!

Posted on by
Standard

In case you can’t tell from my somewhat lengthy title, I’m having a bit of trouble with ice cream. Or more to the point, with idolatry, and even closer to the point, a particular flavor of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

 

 

Cookies & Cream Cheesecake Core

I’ve looked everywhere in my local vicinity and no one seems to have it. The Ben & Jerry’s website says you can get it at Target and Walmart, and Stater Bros has always carried it, but none of those places has it in stock, even though the shelf label is there.

You know how you get when you can’t find a product anywhere, so you start to fixate on it, and you get to the point where that’s all you can think about? Well, I’ve reached that point with this Ben & Jerry’s flavor. I’ve been hunting for it for a couple of weeks, and I feel like I’m going through withdrawal because I haven’t had it in so long, and I can’t find it, and I’m getting so frustrated!!

I know this sounds really ridiculous. You can laugh now, because I certainly am, albeit a bit ruefully.

I finally realized yesterday that it feels a bit like idolatry, thus the title of this post. So maybe I need to give up on my search and put my focus back on God where it’s supposed to be.

Then God gave the people all these instructions: “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.” ~ Exodus 20:1 and 4, NLT.

It’s not that I don’t want to put my focus back on God. It’s the idea of giving up my favorite ice cream that’s so hard to think about.

No! No!! Rats!! Harrumph!!

Yup, it’s gotta be done.

O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! ~ Psalm 34:8, NASB.

How did I let myself get into this position?? I can sort of see it happening if I think about it. First, I eat too much ice cream in general. I certainly don’t need the stuff. I mean, I weigh over 200 pounds.

That’s right, over 200 pounds.

But I like it sooo much!! It tastes sooo good!! And with little else to do because of the quarantine, I’ve taken to eating ice cream everyday. I’ve rationalized it by telling myself that Ben & Jerry’s comes in pints, so the serving size is small.

Well, not really! At 200 pounds even a pint is too much, plus I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me everytime, telling me to only eat half of it, and I ignored Him.

Uh uh uh, naughty, naughty!! And after awhile He wasn’t prompting me anymore, so I knew I’d blown it.

I like it when the Holy Spirit talks to me like that. It makes me feel like we’re partners. So I repented, and now He’s nudging me again.

Phew!! What a relief! And I only ate half this time.

I’m so proud of myself! Obedience is a good thing. I can feel His pleasure when I obey Him, which makes me smile. 

What is more pleasing to the LORD: your burnt offerings and sacrifices or your obedience to his voice? Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission is better than offering the fat of rams. Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. ~ 1 Samuel 15:22, NLT.

I don’t ever want to get caught up in anything resembling witchcraft, and it’s always been my desire above all else to please God, so if having His blessing means eating less ice cream, seems to me that’s a very small sacrifice to pay to get it.

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. ~ Hebrews 11:6, NKJV.

That’s right. Pleasing God is more important than anything else, so that’s what I want to do!